dancinggirl

Okay, so now I'm feeling better. I'm waking up with a clear head, I don't have the heart fluttering that I've had while drinking, I don't have a head-ache, etc., etc.. And that's where I'm starting to get scared! Now I'm starting to think that I wasn't "sooo bad". And now I'm starting to think, "well, that wasn't so hard, I can drink and stop again no problem". I am literally having selective memory about what was happening. How do you remember what it was really like? The memories are literally disappearing! Just like child-birth, you "know" it was bad, but it's hard to not have a fuzzy glow around the whole experience years afterwards.

I am scared that this was too easy stopping...but that can't be true either, if I'm afraid that I'm going to start again! Does any of this even make sense?! My body doesn't crave it...it's not like when you're thirsty and need water, or hungry and wanting food. But I'm thinking that it was too easy....

And now I'm repeating myself! lol

Anna

Hi dancinggirl,

My memories definitely disappear and were with me constantly, in early recovery. It was actually hard to move forward with the guilt and shame I was carrying.

But, one thing I learned about myself was that I was a victim of self-sabotage. Whenever, I would get a few days or a few weeks sober and begin to think, yes, I can do this, I'd get nervous. I can do this? Where will it take me? This is alll so new and scary! And, off I'd go with drinking again.

Just remember that this is new territory for you and you will be able to manage to get through each day. It will be a period of growth and emotion, but it will be so awesome!

Tazman53

dancinggirl for me I do relate to that fear, in early sobriety I would have what I call the committee meet in my head with alcohol sitting in the head seat telling me all of the things you mentioned and more.

What helped me a lot then was going to meetings, talking to other alcoholics in recovery, praying, working on knowing to the deepest depths of my being that I am an alcoholic and that a single drink will never be enough.

What has worked long term for me was working the steps with my sponsor and continuing to apply the steps to all aspects of my life on a daily basis. Working and living the steps has resulted for me in the lifting of the mental obsession to drink. Other things that help is working with other alcoholics helping them to get and stay sober, going to meetings and sharing my experience, strength and hope, doing service work, spending quality time with my family.

Horselover

Journal dancinggirl. About the stopping, it will get harder and harder each and everytime until a time comes when you will need assistance to stop. Its progressive. Remember back to when you first started drinking and how it progressed to where it became this thought in your head, "I have to stop doing this to myself." Step 1, "Admitting your powerless over alcohol."

I have recently started a workbook called, "A Woman's Guide to the 12 Steps" and since I'm not currently in AA, this has helped tremendously. It forces you to look within. I got it off Amazon if your are interested.

Good luck and I'm sure others will contribute to this.

dancinggirl

I find it hard also because I'm not able to get to meetings very often because of the kid issue I've mentioned in another thread (they're not allowed there). Also, no one will sponsor me, as of yet. I don't even know where to get the books for AA that we're supposed to have! Or even what is entailed in the 'steps'.

I guess it's hard for me to remember the truth of what happens to me when one drop of alcohol gets into me, the continuation of the drinking. I am so jealous of those who have sponsors to guide them.

Ack, sorry for being a downer today.

least

It's not easy getting sober, but I think it's harder to 'stay' sober. I'm not into fooling myself that I can control my drinking disease, but stress has been the number one reason for my constant relapses. I've always caved in to stress and drank just to numb myself. I don't like my feelings sometimes and want to hide from them.

Now this time I'm very aware of my triggers and am working to get past them without giving in. A lot of my motivation is due to what Horselover said: it gets harder and harder each time I go thru withdrawals and I don't want to punish myself like that any more.

The best thing I am doing for myself to stay sober is to stay sober JUST FOR TODAY. When tomorrow comes it will be TODAY and I will keep on moving thru my tomorrows one day at a time.

Horselover

DG - I may get some flack about this but, I'm not in AA. I only have been sober since May 13, but that's the longest I've been sober since I started drinking. I did try AA in my 20s, but this time I am attempting it with the help of SR and some specific friends I've come to know through this site. You can get the workbook I mentioned from Amazon and probably some other helpful books from there as well. AA is a good program, but you aren't doomed to fail if you can't make it to AA. I have a 5 year old and some other reasons for not going at this time, but if I need to I know I can. I think having a Higher Power (God for me) is a pretty "big" help also. There are a lot of people on SR in AA, but there are some that are not and still have success in living sober lives. It can be done!

smallRaccoon

hi dancinggirl...Im not sure if i can help, but what you described is exactly what I have felt / done several times...get sober, stop drinking, and then be like "well if i did it once, i could do it again"...so I do, and then the process repeats itself...one thing that has helped me realizing the only thing i am doing is just pushing that thin line as far as i can take it...but thats never any good. I know of several people that have done that and eventually it does not end up well

AW2486

DG .. Just a few idea's for you to consider.

If you not able to get to meetings. The program of recovery is the first 164 pages of the AA Big Book. If you don't have one you can read it online for free.

That is where you will find answers to battle the obsession of the mind.

I would personally recommend face to face sponsorship. but if that is not possible, you could try online sponsorship. Maybe some of the ladies here sponsor people online.

Tazman53

Have you checked out womens meetings? Have you called the AA hotline in your area? I do not know where you live, but in my area I have never been to a meeting where on occasion I have not seen kids there, usually in the kitchen whil the meeting is going on with activity books, some meetings in my area even have baby sitting provided.

Perhaps you could ask a lady to be your temporary sponsor? Or as suggested ask on of the ladies here to sponsor you on line. In the early days of AA folks were successfully sponsored using snail mail. Here is a link that may allow you to attend meeting online and possibly even get a sponsor online. Email English
I feel face to face is best, but if one can not do that then this will work if you work it.

Well you should be able to get them at most meetings, the 2 main books are "Alcoholics Anonymous" & "The 12 Steps and Twelve Traditions Of Alcoholics Anonymous", the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" you can also order from AA directly or most book stores have it as well. The book "The 12 Steps and Twelve Traditions Of Alcoholics Anonymous" can be bought in meetings, from AA directly, some book stores may have them as well, check out Amazon.

A temporary sponsor will help you with those.

If you keep working towards sobriety, being willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober, you will be able to get and stay sober.

Just take it a day at a time, a step at a time, keep doing the next right thing, you will get it.

HideorSeek

Hi DG!

I agree with everyone b4. My triggers include any feeling that's out of whack. If I'm REALLY sad/mad/happy, thats when I want to drink...to bury or bouy, it doesn't matter. I try (try being the operative word here) to stay in the middle and that seems to help me. I too would often relapse when I felt fine. My memory of hardship/shame/regret would just vanish. But my experience (as opposed to memory) was that EVERYTIME I drank, the same things would happen and I would start all over again. So it has hepled me to remember the FACTs rather than feelings. The facts don't get altered in my twisted brain the way feelings do.

BTW, I laughed out loud reading your post to the marathoner, in which you said that you couldn't envision running a marathon hungover OR sober. Me too!

Jersey Nonny

I used to see people relapsing over and over, and I'd think, "I'm not that bad...maybe I'm not really an alcoholic." I was comparing myself to others, instead of identifying with them. Start deliberately looking for the similarities...even if the actual drinking, age, gender, or lifestyles are different, the feelings/emotions are all pretty much the same. Let us know how that works out for you.

Dee74

hey DG

the old 'I'm feeling really great now/I can't have been that bad' double whammy keep me enslaved to the booze for 15 years.

Whenever you feel that way, whenever you feel like a drink, come back and read some posts - your posts, anybody's posts - this thing, this disease we have, lies to us, and gives us a selective memory.

and, for what it's worth, I'm not in AA either...just SR
It's not an easy way to do it - lone wolf style - but it's possible

I'm not agin AA, but you certainly shouldn't feel your recovery is compromised because your situation is making it difficult to get to a regular meeting

just stay strong....and don't drink today
D

laurie6781

Dancing Girl, knowing the problem you have getting to lots of meetings, how about doing this.

Sit down, when the kids are in bed and physically write a TIME LINE of your drinking.

When it started, what happened, how often in the beginning, what happened as time went on, etc, right up to the end.

Keep it handy. It will be a real good BLACK AND WHITE reminder of just how progressive this is and how bad the last episode was. It will help to quiet "the hold" that King Alcohol has on you. It will shut up the disease telling you "you weren't so bad" "one won't hurt" etc

Time Lines are a great little recovery tool.

Hope that might help you.

Love and hugs,

sobergirl77

DancingGirl, I know exactly what you mean. But trust me, it's the alcoholic voice within you that is trying to fool you into taking a drink. The addictive/obsessed voice will go to great lengths to convince an alcoholic that 1, they are not one, and 2, now that they feel better and have "stopped", they can start again and be able to manage it this time. I've been through it all many times right before several relapses.

Just hang in there... pray and try and remember that it is only your addiction lying to you!

Jules62

Hi dancinggirl,

I could've written your post! I really understand.For me-the hardest time was always around the two week mark.I was feeling good-no hangovers, more energy, everything seemed better only-it was so terrifying.As anna said-it's all new territory for us after being miserable and numb for so long.And for me that's when the alkie voice starts raising the volume 'See-you're fine now.You can control it-you've gone without drinking for a while now.Remember how nice a cold glass of wine was at 5pm?' etc etc etc.

Of course-it's all total BS.5pm my *ss-LOL.Maybe 2 years ago-but the last year of my drinking it had progressed to 10am starting time-and my alkie mind wants me to forget that.

Everyone here has pretty much covered it but I just really wanted to let you know you're not alone, and as they say in A.A-play the tape through.Remember just how bad it was-not the decptive picture your alcoholic mind wants you to remember.

I'm sorry you can't get to meetings right now-but just know we're all here to support you.

Julesxox

SoosieQ

dancinggirl~
The first time I got sober, I tried a lot of different AA groups in my area. I would listen to people talk about their "bottoms" and think: well, Im not so bad after all! I am high- functioning. I have a job. I pay my bills. I've never had that whopper experience (jail, DUI or worse). I just like to drink a little more than my friends do....That was my alkie voice talking loud and clear. Truly, what kind of person thinks they can/ should go out and create a bigger train wreck before they are in need/ worthy of sobriety? Sadly, that was me.

Later, when I gave into that feeling good/ I can do one drink (selective memory) mentality, I always ended up not only where I'd stopped last time around, but falling even further from my goals and dreams. I also discovered something very interesting about my self during those times I was slipping back into active alcoholism. I am the queen of self-sabotage. I would drink when I had good news (afraid it wouldn't really last) and I would drink when I got bad news (of course).

Every time I slipped I lost something more from my life: my health, my career, most of my colleagues and friends, even my blood family relations---all of them (seriously). I'm not saying that this happens to everyone (thankfully). I guess what I am saying is that I empathize with where you are at the moment. For me, every time I lost something else in my life due to drinking, the guilt and sadness piled even higher. Being numb only works for so long. Those issues are still lurking.
And take it from an expert: detox does get harder each time for most people (insert my picture here).

I am sending you lots of support in your sobriety! SR is definitely helping me to stay strong. Glad that you are talking about this!

Tazman53

Laurie offered some excellent advice:

One other thing I would add to what she suggested is to write a gratitude list.... write down every thing you are grateful for that you would not have if you were drinking.

Lauries list will remind you of what you will get if you drink, mine will remind you of what you have to lose if you drink, the 2 together should help make the decision to not drink a justifiable good one.

BTW no matter how bad ones life may be, there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is simply being sober and haveing the money you would have spent on booze still in your pocket!!!

Here is a sample one for in the morning after having been sober the prior day:

1. I woke up without a hangover!
2. I remember everything I did last night.
3. I do not have to call any one and apologize.
4. I do not have to be ashamed that I embarrassed myself yesterday because I was drunk.
5. Breakfast does not make me sick.
6. My head is clear.
7. My mouth does not taste like the cat did something in it while I was snoring.
8. My eyes are not red.
9. I woke up in my bed.
10.I am sober.