least

and it's a very large part of me, it seems. I'm analyzing why I've gone back to drinking so many times, even knowing what it does to me. I am my own worst enemy and I am trying to work on that issue.

I blame everything but myself when I go back to drinking, but I think the truth is that I'm trying to destroy myself. I am talking about this with my counselors and also praying about it.

I really really want to stop drinking, but the self destructive part of me just doesn't care what happens to me. I want to live but the self destructive part of me wants to die. This is such a battle and without God's help I will never move on with my life and be able to stay sober.

I am trying to love myself but it's so hard to do, especially since I've been hating myself for so long. I'm not really asking for solutions, as it's my battle to fight, just venting to let these feelings out so they won't stay bottled up inside me doing damage.

THanks for listening to me.

:ghug

Anna

Hi Least,

I was also caught up in self-destructive behaviour for a long time, long before I began drinking. But, drinking was the worst. For me, I had to get my depression properly treated before I could stop drinking, simply because I didn't care enough before that.

I hope you feel better.

fallingdown

I know Least, I don't know why we want to hurt ourselves. I don't know why we can't love ourselves as God loves us. Not being able to trust yourself is one of the most terrifying feelings in the world. I think to get better, we have to stay sober and go back many years to find out exactly what it is that makes us want to turn on ourselves. There IS a reason. I don't believe we're just made that way. I do think counselors can help us understand this but I also know how hard it is to talk to someone face to face about very personal topics, which is probably why we do it online.

If you do come across any answers or revelations, let me know will ya?

adore79

Hi Least, as a friend of mine told me recently, we all have a dark, self-destructive place in us, and I think if we learn a little more about it, we can see how it tries to manipulate us.

For me, having the willingness to keep from drinking is like having a traffic light in my head, and when I have the willingness not to drink the light is on red, for no drinking.

When, for whatever reason, that light turns green, I have noticed that there is a large change in my emotions, such as stubborness and anger, "yeah im going to drink, what are you going to do about it punk!" I think this is the dark side of me taking over.

Sorry if this doesnt make since, your post just got me thinking about the dark places in our psyches and I thought that I would just put this out there. Have a good day and take care of yourself.

JPat

least - I know what you're going through and I'm sorry. I know that i drink because i don't like myself - at all. when i'm drinking it's worse - i wake up crying and hating myself all over again because I failed. it's a vicious circle, I drink because i hate myself and don't care, but then i hate myself because I drink.

I don't really know what else to say - just know you are not alone, and we're all here for you.

Toomutch

(((Least)))

I am so glad that you are discussing this with your counselor and praying. And thanks for sharing here with us.

With continued support, prayer, therapy and willingness to grow, you will one day be able to stop the self distructive behaviors. :praying

Missymae737

Hi Least,

Sending support and prayers your way..

Hang in there, you can do this...

flgirl

Least,

I can identify with so much of what you said. We have to somehow find a way to love ourselves enough to want to take of us.

Love you!

anotherbottom

Sometimes I think I have brought the concept of self-hatred to HIGH ART. I understand where you are coming from. I think we all struggle with this---it's part and parcel of the underlying disease of which alcoholism may be just a symptom of.

I used to get such strange looks when I would open up to people and say that I despised myself. Seems as though all their rage was directed at others. They couldn't grasp the concept of self-hatred. I wish I could get a case of that self-confidence, but like most things, especially sobriety, some of us have to work at it extra-hard.

RobbyRobot

hi least,
i really like what your saying in your post, it's all true from my own struggles when i started to become sober too. venting is such an important tool we have, and so rewarding when others just listen, and let us have that moment.

least

I did not drink today. I did not even want to drink today. Thank you all for your support and love. It goes a long way - clear around the world!

:ghug

Lily

Least,

I am going to continue to pray for you. I think as soon as you get some time under your belt you will have given your brain a chance to feel good w/ out the alcohol.

I pray your next 24 hrs is sober!


PM me if you want to talk more.

blessings, Sheila

colagirl

Least,
Congrats on day 1, and hope you are feeling better.

tommyk

I can totally relate - I call this self destructive side of my mind 'my disease'.

I acknowledge it, I hear it talking, I talk back to it, and I know when it is trying hard to destroy me.

For me, knowing it is there and realizing it isn't really 'me' and isn't really 'my' thinking makes all of the difference in the world.

I used to think I was just nuts/crazy. Now I realize I have a disease.

RobbyRobot

i really like how felly stated her message above. she makes an easy tool to image and use keeping a pulse on how destructive we can get from simple emotional changes. when we want to drink -- then something has really changed -- and the clues we need to accept with that change do trail back to a change in our willingness. just getting our willingness back on track solves soooo many problems. heh. easy does it.

least

Today would have been day four, except that my self destructive, self hating part of myself told me one glass of wine would be alright... but it wasn't alright, it was a relapse and I'm starting over. I'm hating myself for my little downfall but the rational part of me tells me that self hatred only makes things worse for me. So I'm trying to forgive myself sincerely... which is hard to do, as I have little tolerance for my "mistakes".

It is SO HARD learning a new way to live. I'm not used to liking myself, I've been such a loser for so long that I'm not familiar with forgiving myself and moving on. It's so much easier to just hate myself - seems that I have to stand in line to hate myself, so many others are already there.

I WILL start again. I WILL try harder this next time. I WILL try to love myself as God loves me, tho such unconditional love is a foreign concept except as the unconditional love I get so easily and freely from my dogs.

God, please grant me the ability to love myself as my dogs love me. My dogs are smarter than I am in many ways. I should learn from them.

:praying

flgirl

Least hon,

It's gonna be ok. Just pick yourself up and start anew!

Love you!

least

Jersey Nonny had a quote in one of her recent posts that said; "it is difficult to find happiness within ourselves and impossible to find it elsewhere", or words to that effect. That really hits the nail on the head. I'm looking everywhere for happiness - and not finding it - looking everywhere but within myself... and hating myself for being so unhappy.

I am so distraught today over my relapse yesterday. I have to get past that self loathing and learn to like myself, or at least, accept myself. That is very hard to do but I will try. I don't want to die from my addiction.

:praying

Tazman53

Least here is an idea to stop relapsing, just today, do not buy any booze!!! Drink every drop in your house right now or pour it out!

Tomorrow morning when you wake up do not buy any booze for the whole day and do not let anyone bring any into your house.

Least only you can keep you sober, God can help ONLY if you let him!!!

God can not help you stay sober unless you want to stay sober bad enough to drop to your knees BEFORE you buy or drink any booze and pray for his help.

I can assure you that if you drop to your knees EVERY time before you buy or drink booze and ask God to help you not buy or drink and keep doing that, you will not buy or drink booze!

You say that only God can help you stay sober, show your faith in his abilities by asking him to help you in prayer EVERY time you start to think about buying some booze or drinking it.

God nor anyone or anything can help you not drink if you decide you are going to drink.

God will grant you the strength ONLY if you ask him EVERY time, not just when you feel like it.

least

THere isn't any alcohol here. I am so overwhelmed by your wise words. I want to allow God to direct me all the time, as I don't always trust my own judgement. how do I know if He's within me/a part of me?

Thank you for being honest and direct with me. I desperately need direction: Good Orderly Direction!

thank you!:ghug3