RobbyRobot

i like your mate already (the live with) and she rocks no end. you got good friends and so you must be a good friend yourself methinks. so maybe your gonna be okay anyways.

nice share, that whole post above. course i know you listen, and it does not seem that you don't. people who can share like you also know how to listen has been my experiences.

i am laughing that u didn't score. not at you though course you know. heh. heh. and i'm sorry your feeling deeply down all lousy crazy lost stupid though too; but your a clever girl, and you'll find a way to come up for some fresh air, get some light on your path again, and work things out best with all concerned. i kinda get the feeling you've pissed people off before [!] but i bet its extra hard to stay *honestly* real mad at you for long me thinks. imo. real nice share it was, and thanks for that, tsukiko



Robby

RobbyRobot

Rock On!

tsukiko

Heh, yeah. I drive people mad, heh.

Luckily this one mate sticks by me. She wont have me round when I'm using though. She didnt talk to me for months when I first started using, but she saw the state I was in when I came back this time -messed my arms up, dvt and four days clean. She took me in and dragged me to a doctor, though I refused any help.

Anyway, we spoke last night and she's pretty much convinced me that I need to be seperate from my partner, because even though he's on a script he's pinning everyday. Plus, since being clean I'm starting to realise things about our relationship. My mate says if we break up and he gets clean then we could always give it another try, but that she doesn't think we're good for each other how we are. I guess she's right. Just we've been together two years, lived together, depend on each other, he's my best friend. We spend every day together. We have also been drugs buddies for that time, its a wierd relationship to have, but its pretty intimate. I guess quite a few people on here will know what I mean. Being alonne's a scary prospect, but my mate said in viw of me being unfaithful she thinks I've already made my decision.

least

You are not alone in your feelings. I feel just as stupid and messed up as you do. I am also trying to stop drinking for good, and it is so hard, and I am so weak.

I'm glad you found SR and glad you're here with us. It is a wonderful place for support and experience and love.

Welcome!:ghug3

tsukiko

Least:
I hope you're doing ok. Its a horrible place to be, huh, but like the other people on this forum and in this thread have shown -there are reasons to have hope and believe in yourself, even if you make mistakes (using myself as an example, heh). I'm trying to learn that too, heh.

Thanks for your encouragement, and best wishes.

RobbyRobot

yes it's scary isn't it though, being alone. i can relate as my past marriage with my ex moves to a conclusion. Love is such a tripped out experience in that it both hurts and heals all at the same time. Its seldom easy choosing the right path to move forward, i am learning, and leaving away from those we still love and have loved for many years.

my alternative would be simply more of the same and living that life of oblivion was hell for all of us. I have learned, finally cracking through my deep denials, that sometimes love itself really is not enough if the misery is daily and routine.

I now know that a relationship is more then just the things that are in it, a proper relationship is also defined by what is not contained within its loving embrace. I have also learned that a love without happiness is a distant love enjoyed more on what was before, then on what is now, or will be some day.

there are real differences within relationships of love as well, i am re-learning from the changes in my life. I still love my ex, but not in the same manner or even with the same spirit as when we first met back in the early '80's. if i would hold on to the old i would mistakenly destroy the new, and all would be lost a second time. I love her differently from just family now; both more and less in different moments as a friend; and as her being the mother of our daughter, i share a unique love with my ex that i experience with no one else.

my words are coming harder now to share and i'm going to stop, and let myself just soak in my post, and wash some of my own pains away. i'm ok. i am lonely but i am not alone.

i feel for (with) you tsukiko, and i encourage the smartness and the truth of your plans which you and your mate have crafted with care and love. addicts walk a singular less travelled path then the "normals" of this world, and we should not be surprised, i suppose, when our lives catch up and distinguish so brilliantly our past, present, and future lives.

a great share, tsukiko. thank you.

tsukiko

Wow. I’ve re-read your post so many times now. Thank you, your words make so much sense, more sense than anything i’ve heard in a long time.

I love my partner, my friend doesnt believe I honestly love him, she says I need the life style and I need him because we’re both weak, and that may be true...but I do love him. you’re right though : ‘love itself is not enough if the misery is daily and routine’. That’s exactly it.

That’s what I’ve realised since being clean and away from london, from my partner...yes, I love him, but it isn’t enough. Just like me saying ‘if you love me you’d get clean’ isn’t enough to make him stop.

‘love without happiness is a distant love enjoyed more on what was before, then on what is now’ –Whenever I think about my partner, the good stuff, its always when we first met and did everything together because we wanted to be together, but now we do everything together because we do cling to each other and we tell each other what we want to hear, rather than the truth. We cling to each other and the good stuff like its still there...you can always cook up and be with each other and forgive each other again...and again and again, and talk some more about the kids you’re going to have, and the house and the car etc.

I love him, but I cant even say if we were both clean whether we could be together, whether we’d last. Our relationship has (like my mate keeps telling me) just become that of two junkies who know they need each other.

Its like here and now I’m realising the fights, the routine, the lifestyle as much as the gear are all the same thing; We’re not helping each other cope, but helping each other forget. And I’m also realising that this may be the truth, but that I know how easily the truth can be avoided, pushed away...once i’m back home.

‘I am lonely, but I am not alone’ –that says it all, what I haven’t been able to put in to words for so long. Thank you and you definetly arn’t alone. I’m there; your post is washing some of my pains away too.

RobbyRobot

RobbyRobot

those words, your words, are now my words too. healing words. thank you for that, tsukiko.

Tazman53

tsukiko I am an alcoholic, I drank for 40 years, the last 5 of them alcohol owned me. I found physical sobriety through medical detox and long term happy sobriety in AA. For me a long term recovery program has been key. Drawing upon the experience, strength and hope of fellow recovered alcoholics makes all the difference in the world for me. I tried quitting on my own many times and failed.

Perhaps you would find what you seek in a recovery program of some sort, a recovery program with addicts that know how not only to get clean, but stay clean as well and enjoy living life. NA is one of those programs, I am sure there are others as well but that is the only one I am familiar with.

Welcome to SR, keep posting, check out the drug addiction forum as well.

tsukiko

Tazman:

Thanks for your words. Yeah, my friend keeps urging me to try some counselling or professional help. I was totally against it, but I am now thinknig about it when I go back to London, but I dont know. Even with my friend (whom I'm closer to than anyone else I know) I dont like to talk about it really. She talks at me about it, but I never say much. Its different saying that stuff outloud than on here. Its like I open my mouth to say something about it and i feel like I'm uncorking this whole bottle -which I cant let myself spill. I guess I dont want to make a mess, heh. If any of that makes sense? I like doing things on my own. Its taken me two years to tell my best friend the truth, even though she told me it a long time before -I couldn't or wouldn't say or have it. My mate keeps trying to get me to go back to the doctors now, but even when I think she has me convined, I back out. Scares the hell out of me. Guess I dont want to admit it to the world, just want to push it away like everything else and try forget it. Wish it worked like that.

Congrats' on your achievements, sobriety and strength, I know how hard those things are to reach and keep a hold of, heh.

RobbyRobot

hi tsukiko,

yeah it is different. your so right. the backspace key is no where to be found in f2f, and that makes it a whole lot easier to spill here. imo. f2f does give the emotions more push i guess, but i still find the forums easier to get the *complete* story out over all.

guess i like to be a loner as well. a childhood thing i'm sure, and what isn't, eh? [hahaha] anyways even after getting dirty with drugs and then getting clean with recovery -- i'm still what i am. my life sure has changed though so np things will ease up and smooth out it and move on. it always does. i got time...

talking with professionals is different then sharing of course. i have had good and bad experiences in that scene. i am neutral on that, but i only went into that with all my instincts wildly awake, shields up, and my phasers on full stun. paranoid i know, but thats why i was there for frigg sake, so wtf, eh. i figured if they was gonna help me they need to know what is going down with me right, or whats the point? i don't regret doing it. hahah, man i got me some stories with that, but not on this post...

anyways. tsukiko, our new friend, where you at today? how you doing? throw out a shout and say hello! one or two corks popped is just getting the scene started...

borntobechild

I have not had to endure nearly the burdens you have--and yet you said you have been clean since May 30--Is that right?...That is WAY better than I've done--and I've had much less adversity...Keep it up...

tsukiko

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven’t been about so much. I’ve been real busy with work and I’ve been in the pub a little too much. An old friend of mine recently came back here, to where we grew up, for the same reasons as me –she’s a coke addict and is trying to get clean- and I guess over the last week or two we’ve been indulging each other, and drinking a little too hard (seen as we both have bad history with drink too).

To Robby:

Yeah, talking outloud is different. I went to the doctors two years ago and he made me feel like scum. When I went the therapist she told me about times social services had intervened that i couldn’t even remember (cause she had my notes) and it scared the hell out of me. What else couldn’t I remember? I had forgotten the sexual abuse for years, was there more?!

...I never went back. I kept thinking ‘Where do I start?!’ Sounds self pitious, but its like you cant talk about one aspect of your life without it dragging up another. There is never a simple answer and everytime I speak I feel like I’m falling in to this language gap and that my words are totally impotent. I feel like a cat in a world of pitbulls, like I speak a different language and I’m scared of saying anything because I dont want to draw attention to myself when after doing that I cant express what I feel or what hurts, why everything hurts. Plus, if I open my mouth I’m bound to be attacked, that’s what happens to cats who parade in front of dogs. I’ve always gotten through life by acting the dog and doing the attacking, or at least growling audibly... I dont want to be the terrified little kitten, who would?

I mentioned in my first post I was put in a behavoural unit when I was a kid...well that’s what happens, that’s partly what scares me. You say the words ‘Please, I need help’ and you’re either toatlly ignored, punished for confessing what is happening to you, or next thing you’re in the middle of nowhere being locked in a room, where everywhere has cctv and adults prepared to sit on you and force meds down your throat. You say one wrong thing and your ‘privilages’ dissapere, you’re watched while you wash, never trusted and it doesn’t ‘fix’ you anyway. You’re let out and you dont know why, then the therapy dies off and its just the same, except now you know it isn’t just the abusers you’ve got to fear talking to or about, its damn well everyone.

I’m ok though cheers, what else can you say? I’m functioning, working, cleaning, the washing is done...so I guess, yeah I’m good lol. You? Today I’m not up to much, just getting the housework done then going to play some pool, and trying not to drink, heh. How ‘bout you?

tsukiko

Yeah, clean off gear since May 30th, but I have drank, smoked a little weed, had a bit of speed and a few lines of coke since, but I dont see that as a problem anymore. It was more a social thing, except the drink and I'll always be working on that I figure. So y'know. I ain't exactly an advertisement of self control...plus I was unfaithful to my parnter...and I'm lucky I'm away from where I score and have a mate who watches me like a hawk...if I didn't I wouldn't have lasted (as I've said in this thread before), so who's done well? I guess its just trying to work out why you're doing something, as much as it is avoiding doing certain things. Never touching gear again doesn't necessarily mean I'm 'cured', not unless I deal with why I was doing it in the first place, and knowing or accepting the reasons I guess is the really hard part because it means taking the real responsibility and facing yourself. I know I haven't done the hard stuff yet, not by a long mile.

Adversity comes in all different ways. I haven't a clue the struggles you've been through. In your shoes I might have coped even worse than I have in my own...and put in mine you might have become prime minister. Who knows...

I hope you're alright though. What is it you're struggling with, if it's ok to ask?

RobbyRobot

hi tsukiko

awesome posts. so friggin real you come across. authentic. your history is horrific not just because it is but because it is to you as well, and that makes a world of difference

ReductioAbsurdu

****WARNING: a lot of references to drugs if you're in one of those trigger-happy moods - i know i get them a lot this is also very very very very very long****

Thank you for your post. Like others have said, I haven't been through what you have been through, but your post really, really helped me. I read it for the first time about half an hour ago and just sat here thinking about it since. You are so honest, and I see that you have been replying and keeping up with responses, all with an open heart and raw, true feelings. THANK YOU, i really can't tell you how much reading your story meant to me.

sexual abuse is so difficult in so many ways. i know for my addictions, it is a strong force. i was sexually abused by my uncle on and off for many years.

it was very hard to type that sentence. it took me about ten minutes. i kept erasing part of it, going back and changing my words, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one is near (no one is even home with me), etc.

i've never really talked about this sober, and if i talked about it messed up, i'd usually have no recollection and probably wasn't honest in my disclosure.

i messed myself up a lot over the years, with various addictions and heavy drinking. im trying to get help now but i keep relapsing. when i think about things like this, i can't help it, i need to get the thoughts out of my head, i need to make them stop, and i use again.

i drank heavily for years - i am 5'2" and 104 lbs and was drinking a quarter to a half a handle a day of cheap liqour from when i was 17 to 22, smoked a ridiculous amount of weed everyday, blew large quantities of cocaine almost daily for years, sprinkled a few other drugs in there (but nothing else on a daily basis for more than a week or two at a time) and in january i started my amphetamine addiction. i had never been honest with one person about the quantities and frequencies of when i did my drugs. now im trying to be, because ive done so much memory damage to myself, and i dont like that i cant remember....well anything.

my uncle never lived close to me, so it wouldn't be frequent, so i am very lucky. because i know the depth of damage of what he did do... i had night terrors from when i could start to remember to about 12 or so, it felt like i never slept, and i'd get such bad anxiety that men i didn't know would just walk into my room. i remember those moments under my covers or under my bed (trying to hide, even though no one was around and i live in a small, yuppy town) SO vividly...they are the flashbacks i have the most, not of the actual abuse, but of the fear afterwards when id get back home from visiting my family. my nightmares got worse when my dad left when i was 8. he and my mom fought a lot too and i'd get in the middle. now i have better relationships with both of them but i really put them and myself through hell before i got here...

i started having sex very young, and i'd go through phases where i'd be this crazy sexed out teenager. i thought that i had to have sex with every guy i was close to, and i repeatedly cheated on partners...i think that is common with sexual abuse...you cheating on your partner might not have been something you could have controlled, but you have to look into your hear to know how you really feel about her, i guess ... but i felt like i had to have sex with a guy, it was my obligation, i needed to, and if i didnt he'd think i was pathetic and not worth anything. i also felt like i deserved things (either materialistic or affection, mostly affection) anytime i did anything with anyone. i ended up in a real bad relationship for six years, verbally and physically abusive and when we were real messed up and really fighting really bad, he'd force me to have sex with me. i always thought saying "my boyfriend raped me" was lame, so i tried not to talk about it.
i also kept memories of my sexual abuse shoved so far down, i forgot they happened. randomly, this year, i was wasted and i guess i told a close friend. she reminded me a couple of weeks later and i was so MORTIFIED i had said anything to anyone...i didn't even really know myself bc anytime i had a memory i'd shove it down, then maybe the next week i'd have a different memory and i'd shove that down too, and i would never admit a connection or a pattern.

i've never written this much about it before and my body feels shaky and my heart is pumping really fast (...im also currently addicted to amphetamines so that might be whyt oo hahaha)


ive always had all these fears that keep me quiet. ive seena lot of therapists and gotten a lot of help over the years and i havent been able to talk about this once.

your honesty and no one knowing who i am on here are the only reasons why i am typing these words now! i hope i dont delete this when im done, i feel like i need to say it, and thank you anybody reading these words, you can stop now. seriously.

i am so scared. i am so scared that people will think im a creep. i am so scared no one will ever want to touch me. if im sharing a bag of chips with a friend, i can't even put my hand in the bag sometimes, im so afraid they won't want to eat anymore bc they see me as dirty, as damaged, as gross.

even my best friends of six, seven years i see as thinking im disgusting. i rarely initiate physical contact with anyone anymore (unless it is straight up sex). last night i touched my best friends cheek to see how well he had shaved and i felt crappy for a long time afterwards, i felt like he was grossed out and wanted to shower. i dont talk about these feelings with anyone.

when i wasn't having a lot of sex, when my ex and i were fighting less, and when i was using less....the better times over the years...when i wasn't cheating on him (he cheated on me a lot too though, it was just a bad situation all around) and we'd have sex, i couldn't stop crying after wards. sometimes it got real bad. id start hyperventilating and he'd want to take me to the hospital. but yet, he'd still have sex with me later...go figure...we're all messed up

the crying started when i was 19. when we broke up (about a year and half ago) and i started dating someone new i'd cry all the time too. there's only been a couple of times that i haven't cried after sex since then. i usually hide it pretty well, it's normal for girls to go to the bathroom after sex or i could hold it in until the dude passed out, or i'd gather my clothes and leave.

i also went through times were i could not stand to be touched for long periods of time. that started more recently, like the past two years or so. before then i craved touching, affection, anything. especially with that new boyfriend who didnt know me. sometimes i couldnt stand to be near him, id be afraid he'd touch me, and i didnt want him to, and i still feltlike if i didnt have sex with him he'd leave me or abuse me. he was a goody-two-shoes type of guy too, so there really wasnt any reason for me to think that. he never laid a hand on (in an abusive way) me but i was always terrified he would. he didnt get it that i couldnt have sex with him sometimes, and the one time i tried to tell him he got mad at me. so i never said anything again.

fortunately, i had a job i loved and it kept me busy. i worked an average of 50 hours a week, so i didnt have time to think much. i started working third shift...and a couple nights a week i had to work with this older guy. you can imagine, third shift, with a dude, would freak me out. and it did, before he even put his hands on me.

i didnt tell anyone what he did to me and i dropped all of the shifts i had with him. a month later, we ended up working together on second shift and he started yelling at me and called me a bitch because i didnt ask his opinion on a minor staff decision (i was lead staff anyways, he probably couldnt handle that). i got very emotional and really liked my job and didnt want my messed up emotions to start acting up so i told my supervisor. well, i got in trouble for that night he started feeling me up and trying to put it in me. i was put on probation, but i really loved my job. i worked in a homeless shelter for teenagers, and they were so bad ass! i loved my kids and the work i did, they had such amazing strength and stories and i felt honored to talk to them and hear about their lives. so i stayed at the job and when he started making derogatory comments to me i didnt say anything. fortunately, he came into work drunk, beat up a kid (not badly, just kinda threw him around), and got fired.

during all this was one of the times i couldnt be touched...the guy from work probably triggered that...

i was using less too, bc i was working so much. that job ended in march, and i picked up using, anythign and evrything i could get my hands on...i got really into amphetamines and they helped me while hurting me bc i stopped blowing cocaine and drinking so much (amphetamines hurt my stomach, which has always been messed up since i was a heavy drinker....some nights id take a shot, throw up, take a shot, throw up, take a shot , throw up, ten times or so until my body would keep the alcohol down. iwas 18-20. coke helped keep alcohol down too, it always numbed my stomach.

i feel like if i had dealt with all my emotional issues sooner i would have tried to get help for my substance abuse sooner. but oh well, im lucky my time frame is as short as it is, although the damage feels sooooo extensive sometimes....

the last time i had sex i had the worst anxiety attack ive ever gotten from it. id often get anxiety attacks during sex, but they'd be controllable. the amphetamines make it worse i know, the anxiety got worse the longer i had been taking them...

im so scared of any males, even those in my family - cousins, brother, dad, stepdad. even though those people would never ever ever abuse me, sometimes i am so scared of what they think of me or how to interact with any males...i have a hard time making eye contact with guys and i just try to stay away from them now.

but im so scared of being alone and sometimes i crave affection SO bad. i never act on it though, because of everything else, and i just start thinking myself in circles and feeling bad for myself.

i just had a really bad flashback, ive gotten a couple during this writing but this one was the worst.

i just want themt o stop so bad an dnow that im trying not to use i dont have an easy fix. ive suffered from depression my whole life it seems, i was a miserable kid, a miserable middle schooler, a miserable high schooler, a miserable college student....all through my addictions ive held jobs and gotten good grades. for a long time, no one would ever have guessed what i was really like if they just looked at me on paper. my family had no clue how bad i was with drinking and drugs until three weeks ago i came home and told them and started to get professional help.

i ran from my moms house when i was 15, stayed with a friend for awhile, then showed up on my dads porch. he let me stay there until i went to college, but he was never home bc he'd always be out drinking. he's a good man though, and my mom's a good woman, and now i can understand a lot more about them and see them as people since ive been sober. i stopped blaming them for a lot, and although feelings of guilt and shame are still strong, they lessen, alittle, the more im honest and try to do nice things for them.

i know im just rambling at this point...and i really dont think anybody will have gotten this far.

but thank you again, for your post. just getting this off of my chest has done wonders for me.

im going to try and get a new therapist if my insurance will cover it and talk to her about this - ONEDAY. im in a support group for women too, and they frequently talk abotu sexual abuse. i cant stand when they do though, and i leave the room or make up an excuse to leave early. i could never imagine telling someone i know, when i am anywhere near sober. i told a few people when i was REAL messed up and if they bring it up to me anytime other than when i first told them, i cant talk about it and i freak out inside.

i feel so dirty all the time (even though i am STD free) and i think about this stuff everyday. i am also big into self-destructive tendencies, and sometimes ill zone out for hours having all these thoughts, and ill make gashes and pick at my skin. i try to do it in places people cant see, because my arms are so scarred already. i scarred my nipples pretty bad too..to the point that i had to have surgery on one when i was fourteen...i know that is weird, my self mutilation is usually somewhat sexual in nature, im so weird and so scared of what people will think of me if they knew.

i probably wrote for so long because i know thats what i am going to do once my fingers stop being busy at this keyboard...

i know i need lot of help. i just cant ask for it. i am so scared all the time and i feel so crazy. im really a gentle person inside my head and heart and i love everybody all the time, but i lash out at people when i feel bad about myself. ive hurt a lot of people in the past and i know they didnt deserve it.

im so ashamed.

thank yo so much though. you dont know how good this was for me. i feel so closed off all the time, and i knwo ill regret this whole thing as soon as i post it. i hope i helped you alitle if you read any of this, bc just knowing someone else went through something similar made me feel SO much better.

RobbyRobot

Absurdu,

your a beautiful, beautiful, warm, loving person, and i'm so pleased to be able to tell you that. you did not delete. thank you for that. i understand the unstoppable fears myself. your post will help me forever and ever peel the onion of my own horrors. i am in pain after your post but the pain is righteous and clearly my own and i like that i can distinguish that today. lol. from sadness comes joy hahaha

now i am in serious reality with myself. tsukiko and now you Absurdu are helping me beyond words. your both so awesome.

tsukiko

^That's my life too. I wish you, well we, didn't have to know what that's like...but knowing what it *is* like makes me think I deserve it. Its impossible to explain, just as addiction is, to anyone who doesn't already know it.


So much of your post rang true to me that I’d have to quote it all...


This is the first time I’ve ever talked about the sexual abuse sober. The first time I ever admitted it outloud I was on heroin, and even then I made sure I had another bag before I even tried to speak, to knock me out when I’d finished because I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve also swapped addictions too, was / am alcoholic and had an amphetimine addiction. I’m 5’6 tall, weigh 110lbs and was drinking 27 units a day in the end. I was drinking and smoking weed every day between the ages of thirteen / fourteen and sixteen. I tried to quit drinking, but the withdrawl was so bad and terrifying it took cutting down slowely until I was eighteen and then replacing alcohol with heroin to make me stop...and even now I still turn back to it when I cant get what I feel I need.

I struggle to piece my past, my life, together too. Things I can remember I cant always put in the right order.

I have panic attacks, wake up screaming, vivid flash backs (which sometimes make me sick), feelings of revulsion and impulses to literally pour boiling water over my flesh to make myself less dirty. I’ve had sleep disorders and problems since I was three years old, and been in hospital after not sleeping for over five days and four nights. I’m terrified of the dark –put me in the dark and I loose any rational thought and just bounce off the walls until I knock myself unconscious (no joke).

I started having consentioual sex at the age of eleven and I’m very premiscous (though its taken me until a month ago to admit that I’m premiscious). I guess sex for me is a power thing, but afterwards (and sometimes during) I get flash backs so intense...wierdly that just drives me to go out and get back at mankind...and do it again, have more, keep going, never stop. I’m terrified of stopping. And I resort to sex whenever I cant get my fix. Heroin kills my labido, or stops the flash backs, the anger, the fear, the shame...it doesn’t even make everything ok, it just stops everything from being anything. When I’ve got a bag I dont care if I’m horrible. I dont care that some of my bestmates are dead or my paretns didn’t love me or I was abused, or that I miss my brother (who my dad took) so bad and wonder if he carried on being beaten...all I care about is cooking up, finding a decent pin, knowing where I’ve put the vitc and finding a damn vein. Sound cliche, but that’s how it is.

I also had a similar experience to yours with your friend...feeling mortified that you’d told her about the abuse. Its a horrific feeling. About six months ago I decided to get drunk (for the first time in months). I drank an entire bottle of straight tequila after pinning two bags during the day and when drinking I also smoked a rock (bad idea). I have no recolection, but the next day I asked my partner how I’d got to bed. He told me he’d put me to bed and when he pulled my trousers off and pulled the covers over me I started screaming and pleading with him not to ‘hurt’ me. He told me I'd said 'Not again' and as soon as he told me that, I got my fix and shut myself away. I didnt face him all day. I felt positively suicidal that day, honestly...I came so close.

I feel gross and vulgar too. When someone says I am pretty I feel angry and, like who would look at me and see anything other than the things which happened to me...I used to model and was sacked off the books because I couldn’t face doing it sober and kept walking in wasted with self harm wounds all over me and casts on my arms from braking my bones.

I never used to cry. I wasn’t allowed as a child, but now I cry when I’m alone so hard sometimes. I never cry after sex though. After sex I just sit there like moving my arm or even blinking will make me scream or go crazy. I cant explain it. Its like every nerve ending, every inch of me which is capable of feeling pain and hurt (physically or emotionally) is hurting and screaming and the idea of even scratching my head is like asking a person who has 2nd degree burns covering their body to get up and dance. I just sit there completely unresponsive. I totally detach from having to be human on any level I can, from having to feel or be conscious.

I used to be scared, but that turned to pure anger by the time the sexual abuse stopped (before i was raped the last time). I forgot why I was angry, but not that i was angry. I’ve been in so many fist fights with men. I may not be big, but my father was a body builder and he beat me hard, taught me to punch, and to fight. I prided myself on being able to beat men up if they so much as winked at me when I wasn’t in the mood for it. I wasnt scared of starting a fight I couldnt win because I I knew I could take a beating. I mean...when I was a kid (it sounds so stupid, but) I was proud if I was able to stand up after my dad had finished with me, it meant I was stronger in my silly little head. Hell, I broke my own bones bad enough to fracture three simultaineously, with one bash of a hammer to myself. I didn’t just ‘cut’ myself...I stabbed myself in the arm so bad with a kitchen knife that I lost fat and muscle, ran out of the house so no one would see whatI’d done and then hid under a canal bridge for four hours in the middle of winter in just a teeshirt. There so much blood and still I didn’t go to hospital until I was so cold, night came and relaised I had nowhere else to go and my clothing was soaked in blood...and now live with a perminently disfigured arm. When a person’s scared they get rushes or addrenalin and go into a ‘fight or flight’ mode...I guess that’s why I fight; I guess I’m sick of running.

With my current partner (though I plan on telling him we need some time apart when I go back home) I feel less threatened because within a few weeks of getting together we both started using heroin andboth mine and his demons seemed to go away. Our only problems in life became scoring, finding money, finding viens, having vitc and pins which wern’t bent or barbed to hell and our labidos decreased anyway. Pinning gear sort of replaced sex in terms of being intimate. Heh...and people say romance is dead -_-‘.

-thinks-


...Although, from what you said, we seem very different...some of the things you have said I think every single day and I’ve never heard anyone else say them. It hurts so damn much doesn’t it, and I cant tell you it will get better or to get help...because I ahven’t found either.
But, that said, I want to say thank you so much for your post. I want to say ‘you’ve no idea how much it mean’t to me’ ...but hearing what you’ve said...I think you do have a good idea what it mean’t to me...so thank you. I know you wont beleive this, but it is there if if you ever can: You are a good person and you did not deserve what has happened to you.

tsukiko

...Re-reading that I'm wondering myself how to delete it :/ . Cant believe I said that either. Hm...