redbear

I feel shame, I have not been to a meeting in a while and have broke down and used...I'm stupid. I hate that voice in my head that battles with me and I hate even more that in wins. I have lied to my husband about it and even have blamed him for my using. I used the excuse that he pissed me off, he went out and used so I did...why is it so easy for me to break...I would give anything to grow a back bone and kick my addiction to the f@cking cub before I find myself there. Any advice for a foolish girl who is not strong enough to let go of something that makes me feel so crapping in the morning?

ANGELINA243

I would suggest going back to meetings--but in the meantime--hang around here...keep posting..you are not alone. You are not stupid! :ghug2

RobbyRobot

Hi

i am sorry you are feeling awful. Ya kick that addiction to the curb!

since your asking for help\advice you just found your own backbone ok!

i guess i think if your lying to people who you love, and blaming people who you love, and then hate yourself for the whole thing so that you can use; i would say you have a real bad case of resentments.

Anything we hate controls us. I have been there many times and it is always a bad experience and never safe. My resentments are usually born from fear, sadness, lonliness, fatigue, anger, and selfishness. Ya, i know, it does not sound nice, but that is the way with self-hate. It's never nice which is why using never makes it better. You already know all about that, that is why you are here.

Resentments can be faced, managed, and erased. They really can be forgiven. Even the worse ones. I have been there too.

You can do it! Askin' for help is already more than half the battle, so your really in the winnings and that makes you from zero to hero in a heartbeat

keep postin' !!

scaredykat

Hi Redbear, don't beat yourself up over this. And your definitely not stupid. We all have the disease of addiction. I know exactly how you feel. I was sitting where you are now 5 months ago when i relapsed. Just pick yourself up and try again. Never give up trying. Life is precious and it's better sober.

I agree, definitely go back to your meetings. It's helps having people to support and help you that have been there. Also come on here and read and post and let us know how your doing.

Take care,
Barb

vig22

You are not foolish and a poor self image is one of the largest problems I dealt with, personally. It's hard to let go because we have familiarized ourselves with alcohol as a way of dealing. Examine the twelve steps and keep trying. You are strong enough. Don't delude yourself.

It just takes time, and a re-arrangement of the fundamentals of our habits of how we deal with things.

Hang in there, don't stop trying.

Jules62

Oh-you sound so like me *hugs*

It's okay.We screw up-yes.But don't kill yourself with remorse.You have today.You have a chance to start again-just like I do.You can do it-one baby step at a time.I am too.You're not alone.

Julesxox

squiggle

Try not to give yourself such a hard time and focus on getting clean again. You can do this!

Negative Man

Hi Redbear,

Thanks so much for your post. I don't think it's about a backbone or not, it's about reaching out for help. And you're doing that now. That's awesome. Just make a note to do it -- towards an AA or NA member or someone on this board before you use.

I am finding that no matter how strong I am in other areas of my life, I'm downright lousy at staying sober. Now that I'm able to admit to that and accept it, I can figure some other things to do to help myself. Like, asking my higher power for help through other people.

There's not a person here on this board who has not felt the way you feel. It's not your fault. But you can do something about it: get back to meetings. Bring honesty, willingness, and humility. Seems like you're on a good start.

Rock on.
-- NM