SoBearish

Hello Everyone,

I grew up in a small town in the UK. I started drinking at age 14/15 on Friday and Saturday nights. My friends and I would spend our weekly allowance on strong beer or hard cider and get smashed in a park; or in someone’s basement blasting heavy metal. We always had a good time even though someone would often end up puking. As we got a little older and started working we would occasionally get a bottle of vodka or whisky.

Fast forward a few years and 3000 miles. I moved to New York City and my drinking progressed from 2 days a week to 3 and 4 and so on as I got into the club scene. I also picked up a pot habit which at its worst was 24/7.

Fast forward another few years and I’m 34 years old, married, out of the bar/club scene but still smoking everyday and now I’m drinking everyday. It begins to affect my work and my mental state and I realize it’s become a problem so I start seeing a therapist.

I’ll be 38 this year and although I managed to quit the pot 6 months ago I’m still struggling with the drinking. My biggest challenge it appears is when I quit for a few days and start to feel good.

Last week I stayed sober for 4 days and was beginning to feel good. Good in the mornings (no hangover) - good at work (productive day) - good at night (nice dinner and early to bed with a good book.).

But now that I feel good I want to feel REAL good. That pre-partying excitement I felt as a teenager kicks in and I drink for the next 4 nights straight.


As I said before - It’s the Ups that get me every time.


Today is day 2 again – thanks for letting me share.

faith08

that's a problem of mine too. i get a week or two under my belt, starting feeling good or it's a nice pretty day or i've finally got the house straightened up and i drink. then it usually turns into a binge.
im on day 1 today
again

Anna

I can relate to what you're saying SoBearish.

What I've learned in recovery is that peace is all-important in my life. I used to chase after the ups, until I realized it was keeping me from finding peace.

SoBearish

Hmmmm food for thought (dimm light bulb flickering in my head)

SoBearish

Nice to know I'm not the only one - Good luck!!

least

For me it was any excuse to drink: feeling really good or feeling really bad. Didn't matter which, it was a reason to drink. So now I have to keep reminding myself that I CANNOT drink AT ALL. Never. Nada. Not a drop. And I also re-read the list I made of things I hate about drinking. One of those things is that I can't stand myself drunk. I can't always stand myself sober either, but at least I don't wake up wishing I were dead. So try not to beat yourself up over the latest slip just surrender to your alcoholism and don't fight it anymore. Vow not to fight something stronger than yourself.

You can do this. :praying

SoBearish

Sigh.... yes you're probably right

Dean62

Your biggest challenge is when you start to feel good you fall under the illusion that you can still drink. If you can your not an alcoholic, there is no cure that allows us to drink again.
Getting drunk is a very selfish self destructive way to "feel REAL good". Is life such that you have to use a mind altering substance like alcohol to change the way you feel in order to enjoy it?

What does your therapist say about this behavior?

SoBearish

Hi Dean,

My therapist and I talk a lot about it; far too much to write down here. Right now the best I can do is take it one day at a time. If I try and think too far beyond that I get overwhelmed and shut down.

kpaul32

part of our problem is that we have selective memory sometimes. We remember the "good" times when drinking. I often find it useful to remember the "bad" times when I had my last drunk. The sickness, the dumb things I did and said. The horrible sense of being out of control. The overwhelming sense of shame and dissapointment that I did it again. Pray to your higher power. Network here and with a sponsor, home group, take it one day at a time, or one second at a time if need be, and remember the bad times, everytime "stinkin thinkin" try to trick you into believing that days of yore were all that fun and rosy. God bless you

wantstobehappy

I relate to that feeling as well. Although I didn't start that young I was highly involved in the club scene for years during and after college...smoking pot and hallucinogenic drugs. I lived for my Friday nights...dancing and laughing until 3 or 4 am. I quit smoking the reefer about four years ago but I still wanted to feel "cool" and "hip" as cliche as that sounds. I kept clubbing and drinking. It turned ugly at some point and the drinking took control. Laughing turned into yelling and crying. I do miss that "pre club buzz" I start to feel better about myself and start to feel confident that I can control the next drink I take and then next thing you know I've black out and am severely hungover and back at square one.

eccentricmuse

It's the ups that get me too. In fact, sometimes I'd be working out and listening to music, and would start fantasizing about drinking! I eventually realized it had to do with the associations I had with the music, so I suppose I have to change the playlist? Are there particular things that trigger drinking memories? If there's any way you can create new associations with those things, that might help. For instance, do something other than drink with a friend you used to drink with.

But yeah, I almost think that I chase the calm after the storm...it's like I have to keep re-creating the crisis of relapse in order to get to that day after when I'm gung-ho again about recovering...I'm guessing that's probably not "real" recovery, just chasing an emotional high...so I ask myself, what does that tell me? Maybe this is my subconscious mind's way of telling me that I want to stay sober! I too will have moments when I want to "enhance" whatever is going on, but if I were to look at the bigger picture of the drinking situation, I don't know that the good would outweigh the bad...

SoBearish

Yep that makes perfect sense to me. I feel unable or unwilling to commit to complete sobriety so I go throught the rollercoaster ride every few days.

Tried something different today. The wife and I had decided to go running this morning before work. I had some mild urges last night but I realized that I would never get up early to run if I did - so I didn't

Day 3

Thanks for your support everyone

Tazman53

Congrats on 3 days, I played that old Frank Sinatra tune "My Way" for a lot of years, like you, I would get feeling better and decide to "enhance" the feeling good and have a drink, or I would start getting really anxious, irratable, just not right and convince myself that a drink would set me right! I sang "My Way" so long that eventually I had no choice but to drink every day, not because I wanted to or enjoyed it, but because I had to mentally and physically.

After 5 years of daily mandantory drinking I could take no more, I saw a doctor, went into medical detox and then broke Frank's record and tried a different way of staying sober........ AA is what worked for me.

There are other recovery programs as well as AA, pick one and work it. I finally realized that trying to control my alcoholism alone and my way led me to nothing except becoming a full blown alcoholic.

CarolD

Welcome....Congratulations on your new sobriety.