Emily2002

REALLY having trouble here with regard to recovery...

Want to ask this question:

How do I deal with a husband/wife/partner who drinks when I KNOW I can't?

Ok -- I know some of us are married or loving people with or without drinking issues.

We need these people whom we LOVE and can't do without, so...

HOW do we live with them?

Leaving my husband who drinks every night isn't an option, as I love him from the bottom of my heart. (He may or may not have a problem.)

Dee74

short answer - I don't know, Liz - but I think there's always going to be people drinking around us, and sometimes it will be our loved ones.

I've never been a proponent of the 'leave them if they drink' school - it's our problem, not theirs (they might have their own tho, I agree)

Because it's my problem, I have to remember other people can do what they want, but I can't drink like normal people - I'm addicted - it'll kill me (and rob me of everything I hold dear and love way way before that).

Bottom line is we, as alkies, can't drink without consequences, and that's all there is to it.

I wish I had a strategy to make it easy for you, but I don't. I've been lucky in that my partner has always been so supportive of me in this regard.

Hopefully someone with more experience here will have something more useful to say.

D

Hevyn

I don't have a helpful suggestion, either, & it's a very good question. My husband drinks a few beers once in awhile. We don't have a huge supply of it in the house, as we used to when I was drinking so heavily. It was my decision to have it this way - he offered to stop drinking in front of me. I didn't want him to have to change his habits because I had to quit. I have never seen him even slightly drunk. I also go to bars & restaurants once in awhile. I know that's not advisable, but hard to avoid in a resort town. I didn't want to have to give up places I enjoyed. I have never been tempted to order anything. I think that's because I know I can't dance with the devil again. It will kill me. It would have been hard for me to be around people drinking when I was younger, though. I probably wouldn't have been able to resist temptation then. Knowing without a single doubt that I can't touch it makes it easier now. Back then I still didn't get it, thought I had a chance at moderating. It will be interesting to see what others suggest. I hope you find a solution, NewLeaf.

CarolD

Before I slid into my alcoholism....
I was trying to deal with 2 addicted/alcoholic adult children.

I found Al anon immensley helpful.

Emily2002

Well -- I ended up blowing it later last night anyway. I was fine during the earlier part of the evening when he had his first drink. Then things got more "festive" in a way, because the kids were in and out -- happy to have him home again. Burgers on the grill, lots of laughing, ballgame on. After being so sure I was going to make it sober -- I just did it. Made one for myself. The old "I'll just have one."

Needless to say, I had more. And I don't remember going to bed. Hit me harder than usual.

Today would have been day 6, and now I'm back to one.

You're right though Dee. He didn't make me drink. My own resentment did. I'm glad you reminded me that I need to concentrate on ME. I always get so much out of your posts, so thank you.

Each time I've failed at staying sober over the past year and half, I basically gave in because I was mad. Mad because he's drinking and I CAN'T. Mad because it's UNFAIR. I guess it's time to own this freaking problem though. Ugh...

Hevyn -- It really is like dancing with the devil, isn't it? I remember when you first began posting. You've done so incredibly well. I really hope I get to the point you're at now. I want it so much.

I need to change my mindset somehow. Look at the stuff as if it's POISON and not a "treat."

Carol -- I did get to two meetings several months ago, but they were about a half hour away and it was hard to squeeze the two hours in (meeting and travel) without getting completely stressed over it. I've got four teens who need to be everywhere at once, and only one drives right now. What I need is more TIME. When I can get that, I'll try again. I'm hoping your kids are doing well at this point? That must have been heartbreaking...

Unfortunately, there's ALWAYS vodka in the house. I can't get him to stop having his martinis. I've tried asking him to cut down for me. He did try once or twice before, but he'd only get through a few days before it was right back to two or three every night. And of course, I'd eventually give in again, too. He's a great person, and he does support my efforts -- just not in the way I'd like if you know what I mean.

Reading and posting here really helps when I want to give in. Problem is -- I can't just stay online all evening, every evening. He and the kids start giving me a hard time about being "on the computer all the time."

Sorry this is so rambling and disjointed. Thinking online.

Well -- guess I'll just try again.

HideorSeek

Wow, Newleaf, I can really relate. My husband also drinks, but only occasionally. I used to resent the hell out of it, because I can't drink and he can, but have found over time that it doesn't bother me any more. What does bother me is if I'm in a group of people and they start to act tipsy. I also can't stand it if people talk about it (this wine is so good, remember that Cabernet we had the last time, etc.). Obviously, I feel left out and sorry for myself. Anger and resentment are big triggers for me. I really have to watch feeling sorry for myself and drinking AT a situation. An earlier post suggested timing your cravings (Carol?). I know that they can come on out of the blue and feel really intense. Others suggested (and I agree) that you DO something to take your mind off of the drink. Also, to recall the consequences (guilt, shame, blackouts, fights, etc). At least for me, it's just not worth it anymore. I have way too much to lose. Not that I haven't relapsed before, but I'm really trying to keep my focus this time.

supernothing

i can offer you no advice but i CAN say, i am expereincing the EXACT same thing
My husband drinks often to excess and most nights of the week.
I have 52 days sober and find it incredibely difficult- particulalrly when he gets obviously drunk around me.
He talks about it alot- and often asks me to BUY it for him, not to mention times weve been away when hes told me ive not bought "enough" .
Its incredibly difficult, i find myself COMPLETEY withdrawing from him at the present time as i cannot deal with watching him drink.
I can only deal with ME. MY DRINKING and MY ISSUES.
he will have to sort HIMSELF out- if indeed he ever wants to,
All the best.

Tazman53

I really wish I had some experience to offer on this because experience vs. "Well I heard" is really no contest.

I have not seen my wife have a drink in over 2 years, she did have a beer last summer at her company picnic and when she got home she acted like she had cheated on me!!!! LOL I have had immense support at home.

Super has done it now for 52 days so she can give you more expereince then I. The only thing I could suggest is Alanon.

It is your recovery and some how if you really want to stop and stay stopped you will find a way. My sponsor's wife is an alcoholic, he remained sober for 19 years with her drinking the whole time, they just recently seperated, he is happier today then he has ever been since I have known him.

So it can be done with out leaving, my sponsor did it for 19 years, but I guess her alcoholism reached the point where he could not deal with her being her any more, he says he was never tempted to drink again due to her drinking, but he just could not deal with her as a person anymore.

I wish I had some experience to share, but I don't.