jomtien30

Hello all,

I have been in and out of AA for almost 2 years.

There has never been a time when I am truly ready to hand my life over to a higher power.

Drinking is killing me. I have gained a lot of weight and at the age of 30 I look like a wreck. I hang onto a job because I drink like a man with the upper echelon.

My natural state is restless irritable and discontent.

Tonight after 20 or so hours of not drinking I was running up the walls.

When I grabbed that drink I felt the drug take hold.

Tonight will be ok... there will be no blackout. But I cannot remember a day without drink since January when I last relapsed.

How do I avoid this feeling. I do not want to go crazy without drink (coming down is painfull.....) but... this is not living.

CarolD

Welcome to our community....

There are other programs you might want to explore
Please click here for info..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

I am sorry your not finding a way to quit.

Anna

Hi,

Welcome!

I'm glad you made the decision to stop drinking, Yes, it's hard to do, but there is lots of support here. Stopping drinking is the beginning. The real work of recovery begins at that point. You can live a peaceful life.

serenityqueen

Welcome to SR!

I had spent years and years in and out of AA/Recovery/Sanity with pretty much the same results as you are experiencing.

For me, once I came to believe that there WAS a power greater than myself and realized and admitted that I can't do this alone, things were much easier. The door was opened. No one is saying that you need to suddenly believe in God or whoever/whatever your HP may be. I had no idea when I surrendered. You just need to BELIEVE, that's all.

I hope you'll continue to keep reading, sharing and keep us updated on how you're doing. That's why we're here. To help each other along this Journey.

God Bless,
Judy

Ananda

Glad your here! I understood that I was alchoholic and new my life was insane for most of the time I drank after a period of sobriety (about 8 years). I believed other people got sober, but didn't believe it could happen for me. For me the change happened when I began to believe it was possible that i might be able to stay sober. My friends all helped with that.

Keep on talking about this and know that you are not alone.

Hope

You can do it. Don't give up.

mle-sober

Your answer is in your question.

Half measures don't really work. You've tried that again and again and gotten the same results.

You change your life by surrendering your self-will and admitting defeat. Defeat is not a loss, it is a liberation. But you'll only know that when you experience it.

You change your life by believing that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. People have problems with this step - they have problems with defiance, prejudice, self-righteousness, self-sufficiency and negative thinking.

I don't pretend it is easy. But it will set you free. No one can do it for you. Only you can decide that you are truly ready to hand your life over to a higher power and begin to climb out of the deep and miserable addiction of alcoholism.

erika08

I'm not sure what a higher power is but if it works for people that is the most important thing!

My advice would be to not pressure yourself to believe in any one theory of what should work but rather be open minded and really listen to your
gut instinct.

You've made up your mind you don't want to keep doing this to yourself- that is
a very important first part !! Keep educating yourself and using all available resources and if you really are ready for a change you will know which way
to go.

For me I got fed up with twenty years of drinking and smoking. I've only
been sober since end of last year and I've done it completely on my own-isolated on a farm. But you know my coming in here is something I have to be wary of because for me and I'm only talking about me- once I
start sharing it is usually a sign of impending relapse.

Staying sober and smober is the thing to remember- it is the key.

So to answer your question. You are the power behind your own destiny.

Spiritual Seeker

" There's never been a time when I am ready to hand my life over to a higher power. "
You already handed your life over to alcohol. You just need to reclain it.
Turning over really only means "I can't " so I will follow a program "that can" show me
how.
Get some support. Get a sponsor. Get a fellowship. Good luck

jomtien30

Thanks for all of the messages.

I just want to be able to one day get on my knees and believe without doubt that there is something that can help me. It is embarrasing that so many people have tried to guide me with this and I have failed so often.

Other options that I contemplate are medication, hypnosis, detox and even plain and simple discipline.

It is very difficult for me to totally surrender to something (other than that first drink)

This is also very lonely.

Thanks again for all of your messages and I will continue to keep in touch as there is NO DOUBT that if I keep on going the same way I will hurt myself.


I do not want to be a chronic relapser.

Rella927

Welcome Jomtien30! Glad that you found us!

Sorry that you are struggling-Please know that you are not
alone in this. Others have been where you are and you have
found the right place for support-

You have logged in here so this means that you are searching for
help/support-And you are AWARE of what you are doing and what you want
and in my book that is HUGE!

Please keep posting-Look around the other forums-check out the Alcoholism forum
and all the stickies at the top of the forums-There is a wealth of information
for you here and we are here too!

Missymae737

HI,

I can relate to the lonlyness, as my darkest days were consumed with alcohol and me...

Continue to seek support and try to believe that sobriety is possible, much more, life has so much more meaning sober...

Thinking of you...

mle-sober

You wrote:
I just want to be able to one day get on my knees and believe without doubt that there is something that can help me. It is embarrasing that so many people have tried to guide me with this and I have failed so often.


Jomtien,

At least in AA, you do not need to eliminate doubt. Doubt is part of being human, not just part of being an alcoholic. In step 2 (believing that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity) your doubt does not overshadow your WILLINGNESS to believe. Step 2 (referencing AA's 12x12 book) is about the rejection of ego, prejudice, negative thinking, self-righteousness and defiance. It does not require that you be exactly and precisely certain about what you are doing. It requires humility and a willingness to believe.

I am sorry you are suffering and struggling. This stage of recovery - the true surrender to the concept of recovery and the searching for the tools of recovery - is very difficult and painful, I know. And it's scary and lonely. I know there are many other ways to recover besides AA. I write about AA because that's what I know has worked for me. That is not to say that something else will work better for you.

When I read your posts, I feel like you are in the deep forest - it's daylight but you can't tell that because the trees and leaves are so thick around you. You are saying: "I don't know how to move forward in this night. I'm scared and lonely!" But all you need to do is walk forward. Put one foot forward and then the next. Maybe this means going to a meeting. Maybe this means praying. Maybe this means staying sober for today. Only you know. But what I do know is that if you continue to do the next right thing, you will find yourself, slowly glimpsing daylight through the trees and finally walking out into the day. This is absolutely true.

It is ok to doubt yourself. And it's ok to doubt the possibility of sobriety. Neither of those prevent sobriety and recovery. What prevents recovery is letting that doubt immobilize you.

With care and hope,
MLE

jomtien30

It feels so f*ckin maudlin giving the same sob story every night. No one likes a whiner.

Perhaps tomorrow evening I can go from work to home (or perhaps to the gym).

The pitstops are the killers and once more i know that the morning will take me as a prisoner.

Thank you to everyone for your support once again.

22NGONE

You have to work the program, that's it. You can't just go to meetings. I heard a lead say last night "Sitting in a chicken coop doesn't make you a chicken."

John

Cathy31

Read mle-sober's post .Reflect on it. Then make a decision and follow through on it - just for today.