RK2007

I was out today to get some stuff, and I thought I'd try an experiment.

I haven't been to my local shop (which is closer to me than the other shops) where I used to buy loads of drink since the last time I drank - mainly out of being ashamed of myself as I was always this figure who appeared in there to buy alcohol and stared at my feet whilst being served, affronted. :chatter

Anyway, in I go today feeling all confident that I'll show them the new me - it's been almost 6 months, etc, etc, over and over in my head. Not to prove anything to anybody but myself.

You know how it is, when the sun is out and you feel quite good about yourself.

So when I was being served, I still felt as if I was getting dirty looks, as in - "Here we go, look who it is - that alcoholic, wonder where he's been?"

Not that I expected them to give a sh*t, I think they'll always see me as the same drunk guy who goes into that shop but also I turned into this almost complete vegetable in the shop, like all my powers left me at the counter and I could barely speak and could feel myself beginning to start shaking out of being paranoid about what they were thinking!!!

What's going on there? It's almost as if I nearly broke down in the shop, I've never experienced anything like that before.

What kind of stuff triggers that, what if that was to happen somewhere else? I hope this isn't going to be 'another' thing now, like a regular occurrence that keeps on happening.

Anyway, suffice it to say I'm not going back in there.

Jomey

Hey RK - first, brother, take a deep breath and relax. It's okay. It takes a long time to build up the thought process of alcoholism and, being at just past six months myself, I am realizing that it will take a long time to learn to rethink some things. It's not a big deal to flash back to our old thought patterns, as long as we recognize them and are not afraid of them.

I read a really interesting book called "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes. I have problems with anxiety at times, which is what led me to reading the book, but I found alot of it to be helpful to my recovery as well. Thought patterns and some of the issues you felt in the shop are described very vividly in the book and details about how to cope with it, should it ever occur again, are very clear and logical and helpful. It's an interesting read, whether you have ever been a "nervy" person or not.

Hope you are feeling better now. Jomey

splendra

I suppose that we all have a kind of morbid curriosity about some things of our past and can feel drawn to old haunts. This shop visit seems to be about who you used to be: weak, scared, and without power.

Be gentle with yourself...

warrens

RK

My conjecture is that the more you frequent the place, the sooner you will extinguish that reaction. It is amazing how the mind hangs on to threads of learned behavior. Even when we have changed major behaviors.

That is partly why I tried to deal with that kind of thing soon after quitting. I hate having vestiges of my drinking past just appear out of nowhere. It can't be helped in some cases, I suppose.

Perhaps "inventing" reasons to go in there several times/week might help. Going in there for one item. You may be able to turn it into positive reinforcement. Like giving yourself a pat on the back every time you confront the past. It may truly make it THE PAST, instead of something that still lurks beneath the surface.

Just a thought.

warren

MagicMan08

I know of a couple of places where I really shouldn't show my face because of the drunken shenanigans I have pulled there....it does feel very weird going into that place

so you were or were not drinking? i am all confused...

RK2007

Nope, stone cold sober. But even though I used to feel embarrassed in that shop buying alcohol, this felt worse - like I was so sure they were thinking the things I thought they were thinking, which at the time seemed like what was really happening.

I'm probably as well not to dwell too much on this just now and to wait and see what people's opinions are in this thread - that might help me to figure out what's going on.

Thanks for your input everybody, really means a lot.

Anna

It sounds like you might have had an anxiety attack. It was probably just a lot of thoughts and overwhelming emotion and you weren't expecting it to be like that. My suggestion is as the others have said, take it slow and don't let this incident put you off. Your thoughts are just your thoughts. They are not you and they don't control you.

Dee74

yeah I'm with Anna, RK - sounds like an anxiety attack. Our thoughts and fears are often the hardest things to grab hold of control, but you can...

as others have said, be gentle, go softly - I believe things will right themselves.

D

Toomutch

It sounds like a panic attack to me also.

I have learned not to worry to much about what others think.
The thing that helps me is knowing how wrapped up people are in their own lives. Thinking that way makes me feel better because even if someone may be having a negative thought about me, it will more than likely be fleeting, and then there mind will be on to something else.

GlassPrisoner

I cash my check at the same liquor store I used to frequent daily. No problem.

And RK, believe it or not, thwe whole world isn't looking at you, or even thinking about you. That's a common alcoholic trait most of share. Truth is, 99% of the time, we don't even enter peoples minds....That's hard to understand for someone, like me, that is the center of the universe

Lily

One time I went back to a liquor store I had previously been going to at the corner, drunk, etc..... I started to tell the guy about my husband having brain cancer and how he was, and the guy didn't even remember.

I think you probably were feeling a lot of stuff, but if you really went in there drunk, they were wrong to sell to you, so they are already unethical, so don't worry about it, they were probably happy to make a buck from you back then. No more! Move on!

sheila

ImJulie

LOL...aint that the truth!
Im guilty of this thinking ALL the time...worried that people are staring at me/making fun of me/whispering about me/talking behind my back/spreading rumors.....
Its actually a relief now to have the knowledge that it is in fact a common trait....and that most of the time...people could care less.


My dad, who has been in AA for 30 years likes to tell me:
"Its none of your business what other people think about you"
:ghug

gypsytears

If it bothers you or you feel uncomfortable just don't shop there. As others have suggested there may be more going on inside your head than you know right now. Take it easy and take it slow... you'll be fine .

Captain Kirk

RK, i agree with what the others have said above. soulds like it could possibly be anxiety/panic.
the "vegetable" feeling you described happens to me allot.

it's good to know that people aren't as intrested in me as i thought they are. i always go to the supermarket when their aren't many people about. and if i see anybody who knows me in their i buy "normal" things, i wouldn't want them to think i'm weird. immagine getting caught buying toilet paper!?

caitlin666

rk dont avoid the shop, this can take a hold and then its some other place etc etc, until you avoid everywhere, take it from me, thats how my panic attacks left me, agraphobic and a virtual recluse.

but try not to focus on yourself, divert your attention, count something or recite a poem while you are waiting, pay and leave.

after a time you forget those thoughts........

adore79

Yes, let them stay in their shop, keep staying sober!!! :ghug3

RK2007

Thank you everybody. It is such a relief to be able to talk about stuff like that, I was actually thinking yesterday I'd be too embarrassed to mention an incident like that to anybody in person, even close family (in fact especially close family, they'd think I was a madman ) - so all your replies really mean more than you know. Thanks again.

barb dwyer

sounded to me like you just got switched into caring more about what others were thinking than what YOU were thinking.

the point of perception will shift ... elsewhere when we let it.

we gotta be IN here
*taps head*
looking out ...

that's what it sounded like to me.

just some slipage in perspective.

ps -

people are going to think what they think -
no matter what WE want.

so why bother?

it's far more comfortable to just know for yourself that you are doing exactly what you SHOULD be doing right now in this moment - and to hell with them.
how do you iknow they're gonna gossip?
because they always have, am I right?
well - theyr'e not going to stop.

but the truth stays the truth stays the truth.

also -

one final thing-

when we get those creepie feelings - sometimes it's an indicator that an amends might be in order.

Tazman53

I found that with time sober and speaking with others with more time then me in meetings that the only people who really paid any attention to me were people I hurt or family.

The people at the 7-11 that I always bought at could have cared less whether I was buying coffee like I do no every day or buying boose like I used to do every day, I was far from being the only drunk buying booze there.

Funny thing but once I got sober these clerks did start to notice me, they smiled when I came in, still do, they wish me a nice day as I buy my coffee.

I have found in sobriety that I was invisible as a drunk, drunks are a dime a dozen and as long as you are just buying your booze and leaving they could care less if you came in or not, once sober they do notice me, they smile and I smile back.

It may have been an anxiety attack, the last thing imho you should do is run and hide, trust me, go back in and the second you walk in the door simply say hello! You will be pleasantly surprised.

barb dwyer

Taz made a good point - since sobering up -
*I* see that people stop and greet me far more than they ever did before.

Strangers as well as the ones I was probably drunk when I met.

Maybe *I* am looking at them different as well?