Mekratrig

Thanks to Antabuse, I've made it over 30 days. Still experiencing what I think may be PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). Lots of white knuckle time, but just maybe my head is getting out of the booze fog. My G.P. has referred me to an addiction shrink and I go to see him next week, so it seems that for a while, I'm going to be reallocating what used to be booze money to another medical specialist. Can't afford an inpatient program.

In the meantime, I'm fumbling around trying to focus on things that are helpful to recovery, instead of the self destructive behavior I usually indulge in. Reading Seven Weeks To Recovery by Joan Larson, trying to use the nutrients and supplements in the book to repair the damage from booze. So far, little improvement has been noticed. Been exercising a little, since I'm also morbidly obese.

One of the problems with being sober is you once again have the undiminished mental capacity to realize just how much you've fooked up your life. That in turn becomes another reason to escape back into alcohol.

It's a nasty little trick God pulls on the recovering alkie: "Recovery from the damage caused by the addiction requires abstinence. The damage itself interferes with the ability to abstain." I plagiarized that from a website talking about PAWS.

As long as I've got a few moments resolve in the morning to pop the next Antabuse, I'll be OK. But the stinkin' thinkin' has already started, the thought of going off the Antabuse for "one last fling" has come to mind lately. So, it's 50-50 if this current dry spell is going to be long term deal, or just an intermission.

Dee74

Hi Mekatrig,

yeah the sabotage thoughts happen...what helped for me was remembering the drinking didn't actually solve anything...it didn't cure my anxieties, worries, fears guilt or stress...at best, it just pushed them into the background, so they could return tenfold next morning.

It's a hoary old cliche, but play the tape through...think of the consequences when the thoughts hit.

You won't fix whatever you've messed up in the past by messing up again.
It's the back to the roundabout, or the road ahead - your call

D

GlassPrisoner

If you're an alcoholic, that may be a very fitting description. It might be your last anything. And, if it doesn't kill you, you'll wish you were dead.

What you're describing is the obsession. I am completely not equipped to live a sober life. I need to change my perceptions and atitudes towards life. This change is what the program of AA has given me.

SkippyD

Sorry that you are having a hard time, things will get better, hang in there. I hope your doctor told you what will happen if you drink after taking Antabuse for a prolonged period of time? You will be SERIOUSLY and VIOLENTLY ill, I know I did it years ago. I was in bed for a week, had projectile vomitting, lost 10lbs, couldn't walk, talk, think of the worst hangover you have ever had and then multiply it a million times. Please be careful as you can also die from heart failure. I applaud you for taking Antabuse, it really is a very brave thing to do it you are alcoholic, just use caution and be careful. I wish you well and hope you find some peace with this.

nogard

Welcome to SR Working a program puts me in the rigt space

barb dwyer

Hey mek -

congrats on the thirty!

you know, your post got me thinking.

I've been around for a little while now,
and 'at some point'
decided that instead of painting this picture of
'oh I'm sober now and everything is wunnerful wunnerful ..."

which in truth it for the 99.5% of the time ... IS ...

there's still a part of life that gets very; very REAL.

and almost two years, Twelve Steps later -
I don't want to deal with it sometimes
any more than a single one of you do.

I just choose... to talk about it.

Because to do anything else ... feels dishonest.

SO - I'm trying to say - I feel that your post is very honest.
And I think that's A great way to start out in your sobriety.

Because you are not trying come off like you know something ....

that you know you don't know.

You can help a whole lot of other people that way.

While you are busy learning a whole new way of being alive.
And posting away about how it really is for you
(changes, attitudes, whatever)
here on SR...
There's no telling how many people are reading the same words with the same thoughts who don't post -
and they'll keep going ...
because you do.

Your post helped me tonight.
Helped me remember that.
Thank you for posting.

CarolD

Well done on your sober time!
:hug;