Putting it out there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 21
Putting it out there
I’ve been reading on here for about a week but didn’t post or introduce myself because I've been struggling a bit with the whole "hitting bottom" concept and I feel a bit like I don't belong because I haven't started "recovery" yet.
I really didn’t know what to post so I though I’d just put my story out there and see what responses I get.
I’m 36 years old and have been married for 12 years. I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter.
I've long suffered with depression and anxiety. I struggle the most with a social phobia. I work outside the home full time and do ok but I have a really hard time in any social situations and tend to avoid them. I've been in and out of therapy for over 13 years but never really found a therapist that I liked or that I truly felt was helping. So I started self medicating.
I've been using marijuana on and off for 8-10 years and I've been a daily smoker for probably the past 5 years. I use it to self medicate for depression but mostly for anxiety. I also take Paxil daily for both.
After my miscarriage (6 months ago) I started abusing alcohol. I've long been a drinker but it progressed from occasionally on weekends to a couple of times a week and since the miscarriage, it's been a daily thing. I am never falling down drunk or having blackouts or anything like that but after work, I've come to depend on having a drink. As soon as I get home, I have a drink. Then I have 2-3 more. My DH knows that I have been drinking a lot but I've been hiding it from him as well.
I hate myself for this but I just don't feel normal anymore unless I'm not sober. I come home and have a drink and sometimes a toke and my mood is better, I'm more patient with DD, and get along better with DH. It's so much easier to just self medicate this way. It's quick and easy and does the job. But I know it's becoming a real problem and I don't know how to get out of this downward sprial. Lately I've notice that my tolerance has gone way up (down?) and it takes much more alcohol for me to catch a buzz. This scares me A LOT and I know things have to change.
I just don’t really know where to start and don’t even know if I’m ready for this. At this point, I just need to get this stuff out and be honest with someone in my life.
I really didn’t know what to post so I though I’d just put my story out there and see what responses I get.
I’m 36 years old and have been married for 12 years. I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter.
I've long suffered with depression and anxiety. I struggle the most with a social phobia. I work outside the home full time and do ok but I have a really hard time in any social situations and tend to avoid them. I've been in and out of therapy for over 13 years but never really found a therapist that I liked or that I truly felt was helping. So I started self medicating.
I've been using marijuana on and off for 8-10 years and I've been a daily smoker for probably the past 5 years. I use it to self medicate for depression but mostly for anxiety. I also take Paxil daily for both.
After my miscarriage (6 months ago) I started abusing alcohol. I've long been a drinker but it progressed from occasionally on weekends to a couple of times a week and since the miscarriage, it's been a daily thing. I am never falling down drunk or having blackouts or anything like that but after work, I've come to depend on having a drink. As soon as I get home, I have a drink. Then I have 2-3 more. My DH knows that I have been drinking a lot but I've been hiding it from him as well.
I hate myself for this but I just don't feel normal anymore unless I'm not sober. I come home and have a drink and sometimes a toke and my mood is better, I'm more patient with DD, and get along better with DH. It's so much easier to just self medicate this way. It's quick and easy and does the job. But I know it's becoming a real problem and I don't know how to get out of this downward sprial. Lately I've notice that my tolerance has gone way up (down?) and it takes much more alcohol for me to catch a buzz. This scares me A LOT and I know things have to change.
I just don’t really know where to start and don’t even know if I’m ready for this. At this point, I just need to get this stuff out and be honest with someone in my life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,589
Hi,
Oh, I know how easy it is to get pulled into the self-medication thing. I suffered with depression/anxiety for years and years and tried endlessly to get it properly treated. Finally, in desparation, I began to drink at night to relax and be able to sleep. Oh, it worked so well at first, for a little while. But, somehow, somewhere, I crossed the invisible line. And, there is no going back once you've crossed that line. I was stunned to realize that I was addicted to alcohol.
I still have difficulty in social situation and I have panic attacks sometimes and my anxiety level doesn't do well in stressful times. But, it's far better than being addicted to alcohol.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Oh, I know how easy it is to get pulled into the self-medication thing. I suffered with depression/anxiety for years and years and tried endlessly to get it properly treated. Finally, in desparation, I began to drink at night to relax and be able to sleep. Oh, it worked so well at first, for a little while. But, somehow, somewhere, I crossed the invisible line. And, there is no going back once you've crossed that line. I was stunned to realize that I was addicted to alcohol.
I still have difficulty in social situation and I have panic attacks sometimes and my anxiety level doesn't do well in stressful times. But, it's far better than being addicted to alcohol.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I hate myself for this but I just don't feel normal anymore unless I'm not sober. I come home and have a drink and sometimes a toke and my mood is better, I'm more patient with DD, and get along better with DH. It's so much easier to just self medicate this way. It's quick and easy and does the job.
I feel a bit like I don't belong because I haven't started "recovery" yet.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
First I want to say; Welcome to SR! You are welcome, wanted, and needed here.
Your story is similiar to others that I have heard over the years. My opinion is that sometimes it is just a matter of deciding what floor you want to get off the elevator at. You can always ride it all the way to the bottom (an alcoholic/addict death); get off on the first floor (never drink); or somewhere in between. I took the elevator quite a ways down. Although I still had the "look good" going on with my outsides, still had the house, the car, the clothes, the job; I hit the bottom emotionally and mentally. I was tired of being sick and tired. I hated my drinking. I hated how miserable and worthless I felt inside. I hated feeling like an actress in front of other people. I was ashamed. It took my getting to the point of suicide before I got off the elevator.
On a separate note, you might enjoy our mental health forum as well. There are many posters there who fight with depression as well. Here is a link to the section http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/mental-health/
Your story is similiar to others that I have heard over the years. My opinion is that sometimes it is just a matter of deciding what floor you want to get off the elevator at. You can always ride it all the way to the bottom (an alcoholic/addict death); get off on the first floor (never drink); or somewhere in between. I took the elevator quite a ways down. Although I still had the "look good" going on with my outsides, still had the house, the car, the clothes, the job; I hit the bottom emotionally and mentally. I was tired of being sick and tired. I hated my drinking. I hated how miserable and worthless I felt inside. I hated feeling like an actress in front of other people. I was ashamed. It took my getting to the point of suicide before I got off the elevator.
On a separate note, you might enjoy our mental health forum as well. There are many posters there who fight with depression as well. Here is a link to the section http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/mental-health/
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