not so soft

Hello. I'm an eighteen year old girl in high school and I'm pretty sure that I have a problem. I think I'm going to introduce myself and tell my story and what's going on right now.

I started drinking when I was fourteen years old (a freshmen) and loved it and proceeded to drink. I started to get in trouble when I turned fifteen when I blacked out and ended up having a massive party at my house while my parents were not home and the cops came. After being grounded for several months, eager to get back out again, I continued to drink. By the time I was a junior I was drinking every single day and sleeping around. Sometimes I would be fine when I would drink, but most times something bad would happen. If something did not go the way I wanted it too I would freak out on people. This past summer I actually punched my younger sister in the face because she was trying to get me to come home and I would not listen to her. Sober, I am a rather cheerful person. I get sad like any normal person does. And sometimes I get really depressed. Drunk, if things don't go my way I get angry. Around the fourth of July I had a nevous breakdown and ended up going to a mental institution for a couple of days where they said that my problem was my drinking. I stopped drinking for two or three weeks and went back to drinking again. Then I discovered AA and started becoming serious about it. I stayed sober for about two months and it was great. Then I started drinking again at the bar that I work at. When I started seeing a boy four years older than me I continued drinking even more. I thought I was fine..then as things started to go sour...so did my drinking. I got angry. I cried and said things that I didn't mean. Then this weekend happened. I was working at the bar that I work at and we were pretty slow so the owner's son sent a pitcher back to the kitchen and I started drinking. I drove home a couple hours later and walked back up there and went to another bar with a girl that I work with. I woke up the next morning in my bed with a severe hangover. I had no idea what happened. Apparantly, I went to this guy that I used to be sort of seeings house without being invited and cried and puked and cried some more. His sister who happens to be a good friend of mine told me that she was told that I was crying on the ground stripping off my clothes and freaking out. I would not let her tell me anymore because I do not want to know. I am embarassed and humiliated. I was so upset I confessed to my mom what I had been up to. She called my boss at the bar and said that I would no longer be coming in to work and that she would call the cops if her sons said anything to me about me "tattling" about the drinking.

This is basically what has been going on. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business so I'm sure everyone already knows what is going on. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so scared about what happened. I honestly don't even know how to defend myself anymore. I feel like I am in such a desperate situation and I continue to freak out those that are close to me.

I can use all the support that I can get right now. Life just really doesn't seem like it's going too well.

timetogiveitup

Hi there NNS,

Welcome to SR. There are many people here who can give you advice and support through this difficult time.

Your story sounds familiar....... drinking excessively then blacking out where you can't remember what you did the night before. I've had this problem for years.

So it sounds like you may have a drinking problem but that's for you and you only to decide. There is a heap of literature and support available that can help you to make this decision.

I think a good place to start is to not drink for a day or two. This should give your body time to detox and a chance for you to think about things with a clear mind.

Getting some outside help such as AA is also a good idea as it has helped me tremendously. Here's a link that has some useful info (it's an Australian site but still beneficial). Alcoholics Anonymous - For anyone new coming to A.A.

All the best

tellus

Welcome to SR, hon. It's been a lifesaver for me. I don't have much advice to offer, but I can tell you the same thing they told me: you're lucky that you're doing this young. You drank for, what, four years? Same here. We're starting out miles ahead of those who've been drinking for twenty, thirty, forty years.

Are you still involved with AA?

1963comet

Hi and Welcome to SR

I'm sure a lot of us here have terrible things that happened. So, you are not alone. People here understand each other. Thank goodness

That would very smart to stop now. I waited until I was 40 to quit. And I tell you that those things will keep happening if you don't stop.

Keep coming back, alot of support here.

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR, Not So -

You're learning at an early age that you're one of those for whom ... alcohol is no good.

THat's a good thing.

Find a local Alateen, or go to your local AA.
IT's close, It's free. it's knmowledgeable....

There is an entire world of better things to center a young life around than drinking.

coming_clean

welcome and good luck!

CarolD

...Good for you!
Welcome to our community.

Yes...I too live in health and joy with AA.
Please do return and find a sponsor to
help with your new sober life.

I did quit working in bars and restaurants
just as you noted...too much free booze.

My very best to your parents...they sound
sensible and supportive. You are fortunate.
They are also lucky to have you looking for help.

Keep us updated...you too can find sobriety.

stone

Hi and welcome Not So.

Like Barb said, you have found out an early age that youre one of those for whom alcohol is not good. That's a good thing to know so early in life!

unigirl

Hiya not so soft.
Welcome to S.R - i am a 20 yr old female and can relate a lot to your post. At 18 i was drinking way to much and continually humiliating when i drank, blacking out and being agrresive were common place in my my drunkeness too. I am currently 16 days sober. I can safely say that my drinking only i got worse as the years went by. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm not saying that you are/aren't an alcoholic. Only you can decide that for yourself- but it sounds to me like already have a good idea that drinking booze isn't for you. I realised this from 17 - but continued to try to drink 'normally' like my pals. Needless to say i never could, because i have an allergy to booze- when it's in my body i crave more and more.

You say you have been to A..A a coupla months, why not try it out again? For me it has been a life saver. S.R. is really helpful too- esspeically for asking questions you may not feel comfortable asking at first face to face. However for me i really think A..A is the backbone to my recovery. I have a new sponser (another young women in A..A with a good recovery) who is going to take me through the 12 steps so i have the tools to live a hppy and fulfilling life. It aint gonna be easy- but it'll be worth it, i can see that when i hear all the inspiring stories in a.a. I strongly reccomend you give it another go- at our young age we need all the support we can get- cos most ppl our age will be drinking- they certainly do where i am living! All the best with your recovery, keep posting and let us know how your doing

wjw1970

I come from a small town also, and I KNOW how everyone knows everyone else's business!

I'm only on day 2, but wanted to say how good it is mom is there for you. Best wishes to you!

nodrinkingzone

I drank until blackout the first time when I was 13. I kept drinking, started using drugs to chase the same release or distance from reality, I dunno - I'm still figuring it out. By the time I was 23, I used a bottle of vodka a day to kick a heroin addiction. I kept drinking daily for many years, and it kept taking my jobs, my relationships with friends, and my sanity and self-respect.

I'm 31 now, and I'm 58 Days sober, it took me a loooong time to get here. Not as long as some, but still a long time.

Good luck getting over booze now, while you're young - it will only rob you of some really great years of your life, I wish you all the best (and that goes for all you other sober young folks in here! lol).

windsurfer33

Hi Not so soft,
Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place for help. I can only agree with what others have said, only you can decide if you have a problem. I was in denial for ages, but once you make that step it becomes alot easier in your mind. I personnaly can't just have one drink, I wish I could drink normally, but I just can`t. Im' so glad to see the back of drinking, it's a constant struggle, but it's worth it. I hope you stay well and think hard about what you want. You can become the person you want to be. Keep posting.

parentrecovers

keep reaching out, not so soft. there are many folks here that care and want to help in supporting you.

you thinking about going back to aa? can you see a medical doc for advice on the depression?

sounds like working in a bar isn't helping you much. can you find a different job?

hugs, k

tay-lyn

Not So Soft;
Wow, your story is a carbon copy of mine...up until I was 18. That was 20 years ago.....it didn't stop at 18, it just got worse and worse. I'm 38 now and trying desperately to quit.
Briefly.....I too started drinking early, at 15, right from the get go I was a problem drinker, and blacked out. I too threw tantrums if things didn't go my way. I had crying fits. I was promiscuous. I created problems with my family and friends. I lost jobs. I dropped out of school because I lived in a small town and 'everyone' knew about me at school and it was too painful to go back. But I kept going....kept drinking....and went from once circle of 'friends' to another. After I wore one out, I'd find another. The booze led to drugs. I swore off the booze and would clean up my act after something so dreadful happened that I couldn't stand to hear the details. But after I was over it. I'd drink again. The drama!!! In the end, I lost so much.......mostly it was myself that I lost. Actually, because I started so young, I don't know that I ever had a 'self' to lose. The drinking was who I was.
Having said all this, know that it doesn't get any better. It only gets worse. Before you know it, 20 years have gone by and you wonder how that could have happened to YOU?
There is help and support out there. You can make the change now before you have 20 years of regret. You have your whole life ahead of you....we all do. Make the best of it and put down the drink. Is getting sober tough...Hell ya. But drinking is tough too. Pick the lesser of two evils.
Please stick around. You'll find lots of love and support here. My heart goes out to you. I see myself in your post. I think a lot of us here do, so we can help you. Just reach out and try.
Hugs.
Tay.

TiredMama

I just wanted to tell you welcome and that I a new here also. Everyone is extremely supportive and kind so I think you will find a lot of support here.

Tazman53

You said you stayed sober for 2 months in AA and then went back out right? Did you have a sponsor? If not getting one is an excellent idea, start off with a "Temporary" one just to get back into the swing of things.

You are not alone and you have an opportunity to live a long very happy life sober, you never have to drink again. Be thankful that you see your problem at the age you have. It is a blessing, trust me I drank from the age of 12 until I was 52, you will not have missed out on a thing except a lot of embarrasement and possibly a whole lot of trouble!

I would highly reccomend working the steps with your sponsor. You have so much to offer to other young people like you. You can show them how one can get and stay sober and be happy doing it at a young age. You are not alone in this problem unless you choose to be.