step13

Hi there! I am popping in to say hi here. I have lots of questions and hope my stay here is a benefit to me and others as well.

I am trying to "support" my son in recovery... yet not enable him. I am finding such a loop hole in "support" for me. I am doing the best I can, but boy it would be nice to have more support.

Currently, he (24) has done 30 day treatment, released 1 week ago. Staying with us (hubby and sis) in order to get his things in order. This was my offer to him, to give him a place to work on himself before jumping back into his old life. He lives w/ his gf who is a enabler and doesn't understand nor is approachable on what effect she has on his recovery. He has a 4 month old baby with her and is wanting to go back and live there now so he can take care of his family, his intentions are good, but he has no idea how much has to change in order for him to get well and be able to take care of them. Right now gf's needs are coming before his own :puppet . He needs to get with a sponsor QUICK in order to see this!

Right now I am supporting him by helping him get to his Court probation, outpatient, AA meetings (I have attended with him to see what how it works and educate myself) We have to tackle a job, school, finances...ect. as well.

He started having trouble at 17, and long-short, I cut him loose then due to weed and refusing to follow any house rules. (after much much bailing him out and trying to "fix" it all) He went with his dad who didn't help him "grow up". I just found out about the hard drugs when he got arrested and went to rehab. It is like he is still 17, as far as his life skills go. He got by, but never got past being a kid.

I have done the enabling thing in the past, I have learned that this isn't my causing or my fixing. I just want to be support for him, someone of hope and belief in him. He is going to meetings willingly (he has no car right now) when he is at home, if he is with gf, he gets to none.

She took him to a night club because she wanted to have her night out and have a drink... my son was 3 days out of rehab!! ANd leaving a VERY sick baby with me. Then drove home with the baby after having a couple drinks. If I say anything to them, I am gonna be sticking my nose in and she is soooo tough! I may loose my visits with the baby, that have been one overnight a week since the baby was 4 weeks old.

From what I see he is willing and has the desire to change things, but can't let go of the responsibility of gf and baby to do it.

I have a lot on the line. The baby and my sons recovery. I am sure I will be around here alot!

Thanks and HI everyone!!

nandm

Welcome to SR.

I am sorry that you are faced with such a struggle. I have learned so much during my recovery about the many people that my alcoholism affected. I am fortunate that those dearest to me have chosen to forgive, support, and accept me sober. I know that one reason drinking is no longer an option for me is that I do not want to destroy what it has taken me several years of recovery to build.

I do not have much experience with your situation but do have some links to other areas of our forum that you might find useful.

Here is a link to our friends and families of alcoholics
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Here is a link to our friends and family of substance abusers
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

Please feel free to check out our other forum areas including the alcoholism forum. I would suggest that you consider finding a local ALANON meeting as well as this forum as the people there are experienced in dealing with situations like yours and can offer you tools to manage what you are going through.

I hope to see more of you on our forum. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another mom. Glad you've come to join us. We have a fabulous group of moms here.
Your dedication to your son and grandbaby is obvious and admirable. I relate to your relationship of dealing with your son's gf. I had to do the same with my son's ex.
I also know how bad you want your son to get healthy and sober.
I want my 23 yr old son sober too, so far he doesn't want it for himself. I have come to know that I am powerless over him and his addiction. Maybe this will be your son's time.
Maybe this will be your time too.

nogard

Welcome to SR

Tazman53

Welcome to SR step13, read the above quotes, please understand I am not trying to be a hard ass, but I am a recovered alcoholic, the only way I started to recover was on my own, "I" recovered, not "we".

He needs to be in charge of his recovery if he is going to recover, you say he has a baby and a 4 month old that he wants to be with, why isn't he?

If he wants to recover he will recover whether he is living where he wants to or with you.

Who is going to determine when he is recovered enough to be with his gf and child?

Why is it "We" instead of "He" in regards to his job, school, & finances?

I hate to say this, but until it is "He" and not "We" you are still enabling and this is not helping him.

You say you have a lot on the line, your son's recovery and the baby?

Please go to Alanon, you need to learn how to recover your self and to let him recover.

If you really want to help him you need to stop trying to recover him!

If he really wants to go to a meeting and his gf will not take him he will do one of several things:

1. He will walk to the meeting.
2. He will ask another person in the fellowship for a ride.
3. He will call you and ask for a ride.

If you want to learn about recovery then I highly reccommend you start working on your own recovery by going to Alanon.

He does not need his mommy at a meeting, if anything that is going to make it impossible for him to share or ask something that may help him.

Think about it, when you were his age if you had gone to a therapist would you have felt comfortable talking about your problems with your mommy sitting in the room with you?

My wife comes to one AA meeting a week with me, a speakers meeting, we sit and listen to the speaker, it gives her more hope for my long term recovery. My wife is very respectful of my recovery and knows that if I need her assistance in any way I will ask. She also respects that part of my recovery is to be able to speak about anything I need to speak about in a meeting without her being there.

Do I love my wife? With all my heart, she is a very important part of my recovery, the support she gives me is crucial to my recovery, the support she gives me is allowing me to work on my own recovery without her input, simply with her love and trust.

I wish your son all the best in his recovery, I pray that you seek your own recovery and learn to accept the fact that his recovery is his...... not yours.

bonsai12

I’m glad you jumped on board. This forum has been a benefit to me and to the people around me but I am sorry you are going through this with your son.

I have a son very close to your own son’s age and he has a new born child and a girlfriend. He also has an alcohol problem that has gotten him into other substances. I have come to realize that argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague. I have a hard time with this and it is very difficult to do but it must be done if any results are to be expected.

I can not control this man’s life he is not a little boy anymore, he is a man. It was very hard for me to let him go. I see the choices that he makes and they seem wrong but they are not wrong for him and his family. I’m not sure I care for my son’s choice in girlfriends but he seems to like her and that’s what’s important. I did the best I could there is nothing more I can do he is in God’s hands now.

I have told him my door will always be open and I will always have a place for him if he needs it. If he shows an honest desire to stay sober and wants help I am there but I will not interfere in his life. God gave me free will as he did my son and who am I to take that away.

The biggest thing that has helped me has been AA and Al-anon. By working on my own recovery my family and son are now getting involved. My wife has her own 12 step program and the last time my son called he very proudly told me he had 90 days sober.

Spiritual Seeker

Step 13,
I noticed the use of "we" too. Which is clearly codependent thinking.
I am not sure which comes 1st, the chicken or the egg. I know that I would not be as mentally entangled with my 23 yr. old son if he was not an addict, if he had gone a different route where he was maturing as a man, if he was managing his health, if he was on a career path, and mostly if he was not suicidal & self-destructive, etc.
But because he is all those things, for my own peace of mind, my own progress and my own recovery I had to find a program to learn to detach from him. I am learning that I can not save him and I am not responsible for his life now.
At the same time I do know that I have influence with him as his mother.
I do know that twice he has gone to rehab because I asked him to.
He is planning to go again at my urging ( he's been waffling on this in the last month, but as today he has agreed to go away to long term treatment), I do KNOW that he will only get sober and stay in recovery on his own. Addiction is an odd disease. Other illnesses do not require the family to stand by and watch our loved one self-implode.
With this disease loved ones are told "hands off" which is against a mother's nature.
But for our own sanity and for the addict it is the prescribed course.
I do know that when my son is not in my home it is easier for me to detach.
As family members get into our own recovery, we learn easier to distinguish between
I and we. We all learn and recover at our own pace, usually with some sad or painful event to lead us to seek it.

step13

Ya I know. I sooo know it is his deal. Please do not think I am new to this. I have let him go a long time ago. From 17 till now he has been out of my house, I learned back then what my limitations were. This is my first time dealing with him as an adult. If there wasn't the baby, it would be easier to stay clear of his doings. But since I get the baby once a week, it puts me around it. I have to readjust that now that this addiction is known. They may not like the change, but I'll be fine.

The councelor he worked with in rehab who is a 21 yr recovering alcoholic, suggested I check out a couple meetings with him to see what it is about, and then alnon for me if I wanted. The ones we went to were all speakers. Last night we went to a step one (not knowing how it worked), and when they came to the point of talking.. I left the building, knowing he didnt need me there. So I am not totally out of my mind. AND he wanted me there for the first couple of them. Today we discussed how I cant go with him. There is one speaker one he wants me to go to where the councelor leads, so I can meet him... then that is it for me.

I had quite a day today with him. Driving him to probation and outpatient, these are first appts to set things up, he doesn't expect nor want me to do this for him. Things he needs to learn, boy o boy!!! He isn't an adult in the way he does things, he is 17 still. I give him advice, ideas that he seems to like.... like writing down a to do list of things he has to get done... simple things like that escape his brain!

But anyway, not to get into details.... after our chit chat over lunch today, it is a sad CLEAR fact that he isn't growing up. After the talk, it confirmed to me that he isn't "getting" the seriousness of his troubles. He may never get it. I know sending him on his way... is without a doubt the next step. He thinks he can resume a fun life with his gf, drug free, without a sponsor, and by just moving on. I know it isn't going to work, but hey, its his life so he will have to figure that out.

Trust me, I am not picking up his pieces. Yes I say "we" because the plan was to live with us a couple weeks only, so he could catch his breath after rehab... AND because his gf has a pending domestic case on him, AND she is on state housing and he isn't suppose to live there at all. BUT he and her are all lovey so I see no need to have him with me, since he doesn't have an intention of leaving her. This was a plan for after rehab, but it isn't valid now. So he will be leaving probably this weekend.

He isn't taking from us, he isn't needing us, he isn't letting us run his life. We simply worked with the counselor on his release plan agreeing if he went back to gf's too soon, he chances of recovery AND making their relationship healthy is next to 0. But he doesn't see that, so he had to go.

Oh trust me, I can let go, have let go. I didn't want to give up on him and cut him out of my life, I will never choose tough love, but I am no fool. He has NEVER argued with me, took advantage of me or done anything of the sort. He is just not being a grown up with his life or the babies. Can you believe he didnt think he could take his own baby to the dr, he thought only his gf could, since the insurance card is in her and the baby's name!! It is these things that make me shake my head

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I hear ya. I will be just fine. I have a great life and I do not let him or anyone rule me or my mind.

Spiritual Seeker

Step13, you are doing beautifully...
Your son is sick and you are making a difference.
You are rebuilding a relationship with him.
You have figured out a way to be a connected grandma, under difficult circumstances.
Please keep posting as you have a lot to offer.