_Charm_

I'm struggling tonight. I hate this. The desire to drink even though I know how aweful it will make me feel. I can't stand this feeling. I feel on edge and unable to focus. Other times I'm really happy and clear. Or I'm sad for losing the drinks. But right now all I can think of is how nice it would be for my body to shut up for just a little while. The immediate answer is to drink. But then I get even more upset. If I drink I know I'm going to feel SO much worse before I even make it to bed. And then tomorrow, my physical pain will make right now look like a walk in the park. I feel defeated. I feel like I've backed myself into a corner and there is nothing left to do but sit here with it. I want to be sober. Somewhere in that emotional rollarcoaster is me. And in those moments I am happy and feel secure in it. I wish my body would just get over it.

nogard

Hi Charm,

I hear you. Congrats on staying sober. Have you got some support? People you can ring who will understand or at least listen. You can have my No, but I live in Australia.

Your not in a corner, sometimes in recovery I talk to my higher power, sometimes I talk to freinds, sometimes I read, sometimes I post and at other times I just have to white knuckle it. However we do it it is ok.

Keep posting, keep your hope alive. I am cheering for you.

Kevin

LauraSFO1

Hi- I don't know how late it is there, but can you go do something? Is the mall still open? Go walk around, or buy a book. Is there anyone you can call to talk with?

Anna

Hi Charm,

Kev is right, you're not in a corner. You're beginning to see freedom from alcohol and your addict mind is fighting you all the way. But, you're not in a corner. You're on your way out and you just need to hang in there. Do anything you can to take your mind off things for a few minutes. And, stay online. We're here to help.

Anodyne

Those physical cravings can be horrible, sometimes they are literally
painful.

But you're already thinking along the right tracks...talking to yourself,
telling yourself you know how you are going to feel in the morning, and that
it is NOT going to be worth it.

Do you have a sponsor or some friends you could call for support?

Rowan

How are you doing now, Charm. I remember those days very well, and I know how much it hurts, but you can get past this and be that much stronger for the next time. I promise you that this does get easy. Please be gentle with yourself and try to be patient. Hang in there.

_Charm_

I am doing ok. I think I am going to take a break and get my mind off things for a bit. Watch a movie or something. I feel pretty overwelmed and have been through a lot emotionally the last couple of days so I thank you all for not only letting me know that this is all normal but that I need to take it easy on myself. The feeling has passed for now. I have green tea and I'm going to relax some. Not drinking for tonight is do-able and tomorrow looks brighter because of it. Thank you.

Rowan

Glad you got past this craving. You're doing fine. PM me anytime or IM me I'm almost always around.

Stormtooth

Charm,

I have an imaginary construction of what I call "the gut demon", a small nasty pitch black creature with bright yellow eyes, a fat vieny stomach, and vine like narrow limbs with feet and hands with long nails.

That is the personification of my angry desire to want booze. At some point it was no llonger beer or wine, it was straight up liquor, like a nasty wind that could make my hat rock back and forth, straight from the belch of satan.

This gut demon had access to chains and cables, wheels and toggles, that could try to take control of my arms and legs, like a midget driving a tank--and during withdrawel I could feel the gut demon getting angry, pulling the chains, and making me hurt--salivate, want just a little drink, to salve my shaking, aching body--pressing the button, pulling the steam horn, for one more wave of nausea and one more round of gut wrenching pain.

I think the key here though in personifying this self-destructive desire is to understand this is a part of you, that you can control.

You can learn to beat these desires in the same way you learned to wake up early and go to work, even though you prefered to sleep at that moment.

ccirider

Hi Charm:

Patience, patience, patience. As addicts, we sought immediate gratification. In recovery, we want immediate results. Work on doing things to improve your emotional well-being: call somebody you care about whom you haven't been in touch with in a while, call your mom and tell her you were thinking of her (is there anything you can do for her?), do volunteer work, help somebody in need, even something small like smiling in someone's face. Do a randomn act of kindness for somebody else.

Addiction is self-centered and selfish behavior. Speaking from my own experience, when I busied myself with self-less acts (randomn acts of kindness) rather than selfish acts, I felt much better about myself, improved my emotional well being, and improved my ability to refrain from selfish behavior, ie addiction. We have a choice: we can do something selfish for ourselves or something self-less for somebody else.

The more self-less acts you commit, the less selfish you will be. The more selfish acts you commit, the less self-less you will be. It's not rocket science, but it does require us to work hard at it. Have you ever seen the selfish jerks on the expressways who will not let anybody get in front of them where the traffic is merging? Selfish behavior reinforces selfish behavior. Let the guy in on the expressway, because it will only help you with your addiction problem. Recovery needs to become a way of life. Does this make sense to you?


Peace.

Mdub

Great suggestions. This is my first post and my first week of what I hope is a long successful journey. I've been around alchies all my life and I am a major one. I've been to some AA meetings and know the routine, but this is the first time I'm scared like hell and want to get right. So cliche but "one day at a time". It's Friday, and I'm at home SOBER and I'll feel great in the morning and I'll take on tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hang in there Charm. There are a bunch of us not knowing what the hell to do with ourselves. When all we know is partying we've got some learning to do. Be patient with yourself and I love the way you are thinking - think of how you would feel tomorrow. OMG that guilt, for me, is often unbearable. Well I hope I'll be around the board and I'll check in on you.

_Charm_

Addiction being selfish behavior...I do know this is true logically but I've lived this way for so long it's still a bit hard to really get that I'm all about me. I have heard that you have to give away happiness to get happy. I admit, it's a bit confusing to me. I'm a pretty reclusive person. Comes with all the lying and hiding I've had to do. It's so natural to me now to put on a front I'm going to have a long road just figuring out who I am in the first place. I don't feel I have much to offer others but I do have the right spirit, care enough about others that I know it's in me somewhere. For now I'm self centered. I do know this.

Not knowing what to do with ourselves... I have no idea why but it feels comforting in a way knowing I'm not the only one sitting here on a Friday night in complete .. wow, ummm even the word draws a blank, lol. I have no clue what to do with myself other than stay sober. Sometimes that's easy and sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.

I went to my first counceling session last night. She suggested I draw a picture of the "monster" that tells me life isn't worth it anyways if it's gonna be this way... or I can't do it... or everyone would be happier if I just shut up and gave in and bunch of other really illogical things I think at the worst times. So the fact that you have described yours Stormtooth, wow. I think I'm gonna have to actually do what the councelor suggested soon. She mentioned to me about having control over it too, delayed gradification etc etc. Has me working on some homework this week and reading a book so hopefully I will come to a better place in all this by the next time I see her. It's a lot to do and absorb though.

You are all an amzing bunch of people. I'm glad to have found this place.

ccirider

It takes time. When I was in it up to my eyeballs, it was difficult for me to see anything. The more I worked on myself, the more I realized how blind I was, the more I realized how deaf I was, the more I realized how dumb (in the sense I couldn't speak the truth and be honest with myself and others) I was. I am not saying that I have completely transformed my character, but I have made enough progress to look back at myself and see what a self-centered, selfish jerk I was.

It's true, but not confusing. I just said something very nice to my daughter as she was leaving the house, and guess what she said back to me? Do you think she said something mean back to me or something very nice? When I was a self-centered, selfish person because of my addiction, I used to say mean things to people, especially to my family. Guess what I got back in return? When they said mean things back to me, I used to think that they were being the jerks and not me. Imagine that.

The more mean things they said to me, the more I turned to my addiction to self-medicate, but the more I self-medicated, the more self-centered and selfish I became and the meaner I became as a result. What insanity! Stop the world, I want to get off! What is there to be confused about here? It's really very clear and straightforward, but I just had to have the courage to face the truth. I am not who I was, and I don't ever want to be that person ever again.

I can relate to being reclusive. I had to learn to open up to people. It was like I was living in an elevator. Now, when I go into a Starbucks, or some other coffee shop, half the people in there know who I am.

I wouldn't spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out who you are. Focus on doing the things which are going to make you move away from self-centerdness towards selflessness. Open up to people, open up to the world around you. In the end, you will find out who are and what you are.

Being kind to another human being doesn't cost us much, and the rewards are tremendous. You do have a lot to offer, even if you don't have a lot of money.

We are living in a world that is becoming more and more self-centered and selfish, and this is where I think addicts have an advantage over most people. We understand the agony and misery that so many people, in their foolishness, are moving headlong into. The people who are going to build a better world for everybody to live in are those people who have been to the dark side because they understand something that most people don't.


Peace.

Missymae737

Charm,

I remember my first month of recovery...I would cry through my cravings...I also felt angry like how in the world did I get this bad?

Grab onto all the support you can...

We are here for you, keep posting...

Mdub,

Welcome to SR...