My story - a recovering opiate junky
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Seattle Washington
Posts: 40
My story - a recovering opiate junky
I don't really know where or how it began. Maybe it started years and years ago. I would guess some brief history would help. My mom died when I was a teenager. I lived alone and often with boyfriends. Drug use was normal, an every day thing. When my mom passed I cleaned up my act. Even threw my smokes out. I just freaked out when I got high. It was to much. So I stayed clean for many years. Somehow.
A couple years later I got myself into an unhealthy relationship with an addict. I became the enabler. For so many years until it became unbareable. At some point when it was so bad alcohol sneaked in to my life, it made it a little easier. Little by little. Then the smoking. Then I broke up with him and tried to get my act together which I did slowly.Months went by and then I began to date a wonderful man. A man unlike any I had ever attracted into my life. I believe it happened because it was the first time in my life I liked me, I was confident, I knew I deserved more. We dated for a year and a half and then he tragically and suddenly died. Inside I died. Six months later I started seeing my ex. He was clean and doing well. At the time I believe I did it because it was comfortable and I was so lost. He was somewhat family to me after all the years we had spent together. The thought of trying to date again and loving again was unthinkable. Fast forward 3 years. I am still going through life in a fog that no one can see. I smile. I work hard. I laugh and have a great time. But somewhere deep there is a hole that will not heal. My body I believe reacts to this emotional pain with physical pain. I begin to have extreme pelvic and low back pain. Night after night I toss and turn. So I go to the doc, he gives my some vics, orders a CT scan and off I go. At first no big. I feel painless and happier then I had been. But as the tests and weeks go by my tolerance is going up. I don't realize at first that I am abusing them. When I figure it out its to late. In the end I was taking 15 10/325 percs a day, more if I could. I had surgery and for pain they put me on a fentynal patch because my tolerance was shot. I had turned into someone I didn't know. I spent hours cleaning the house and for what? Projects at work turned into major ordeals. And at the same time I thought I was super women I was losing interest in all that I loved. No more running, hiking, snowboarding. I could barely sit still to read a book because there was always something to clean or to do. Or a cigarette to smoke. Then I began to gain weight because opiates screw up your hormonal balance. I would be so happy one moment and then so irritated the next.
Why did I stop? I believe it was a miracle. Really. After my surgery they told me I would never get pregnant. Two weeks after my surgery I thought I had a bladder infection. But I was pregnant. I spent the next few days in shock. I was happy but I knew the end had come. It was so hard. I had to face myself as I had truly become and it scared me. That night I threw out my cigarettes, pills, and patches all into the fire and embarked on the worst few days of my life. The worst. The emotional darkness I wouldn't wish in anyone. But I did it. And now I know it was all about a very damaged spirit. A wounded heart that I am now trying to conciously heal. Pills covered it up. When you abuse anything you are putting off some pain that must be faced. Face it or slowly kill yourself. There were some nights that I took so many pills I had to tell myself to breathe, even though the thought of slowly slipping away was okay. But now I am glad I hung on. My baby is now 7 weeks inutero and has a heart beat. I am slowly getting healthy. I actually ran tonight for the first time in a year and a half. I ran and ran, thanking god for bringing me back to life.
There is so much more to this story, but that is enough. I am no hero or wonderwomen for the way I quit. It takes a big step to quit any way you can. I just want any of you to know that I have been in great darkness in my life, extreme darkness. More than once. And the light is there, even if you are so far in the tunnel it is a small pinpoint in the distance. I know how hard it is to believe you can get out, smell the air again, feel the sun on your face. But if I can you can. I have never met an evil such as pills, I believe it is the biggest challenge of my life. Yet I know if I go back I am giving up on life, my child, my future and I just can't do that. At 1 month clean I know I have a ways to go. But I can say in all honesty that I do not think about them anymore. I refuse to. I told my doctor to cut me off and everyone around me to keep it away. It is such a relief to not think about them 24 hours a day, how to get more, do I have enough, I need to take one. On and on it goes, pure torture. Thank you all that have posted before me. I have read your posts daily and it is what has gotten me through some of the lowest points.
A couple years later I got myself into an unhealthy relationship with an addict. I became the enabler. For so many years until it became unbareable. At some point when it was so bad alcohol sneaked in to my life, it made it a little easier. Little by little. Then the smoking. Then I broke up with him and tried to get my act together which I did slowly.Months went by and then I began to date a wonderful man. A man unlike any I had ever attracted into my life. I believe it happened because it was the first time in my life I liked me, I was confident, I knew I deserved more. We dated for a year and a half and then he tragically and suddenly died. Inside I died. Six months later I started seeing my ex. He was clean and doing well. At the time I believe I did it because it was comfortable and I was so lost. He was somewhat family to me after all the years we had spent together. The thought of trying to date again and loving again was unthinkable. Fast forward 3 years. I am still going through life in a fog that no one can see. I smile. I work hard. I laugh and have a great time. But somewhere deep there is a hole that will not heal. My body I believe reacts to this emotional pain with physical pain. I begin to have extreme pelvic and low back pain. Night after night I toss and turn. So I go to the doc, he gives my some vics, orders a CT scan and off I go. At first no big. I feel painless and happier then I had been. But as the tests and weeks go by my tolerance is going up. I don't realize at first that I am abusing them. When I figure it out its to late. In the end I was taking 15 10/325 percs a day, more if I could. I had surgery and for pain they put me on a fentynal patch because my tolerance was shot. I had turned into someone I didn't know. I spent hours cleaning the house and for what? Projects at work turned into major ordeals. And at the same time I thought I was super women I was losing interest in all that I loved. No more running, hiking, snowboarding. I could barely sit still to read a book because there was always something to clean or to do. Or a cigarette to smoke. Then I began to gain weight because opiates screw up your hormonal balance. I would be so happy one moment and then so irritated the next.
Why did I stop? I believe it was a miracle. Really. After my surgery they told me I would never get pregnant. Two weeks after my surgery I thought I had a bladder infection. But I was pregnant. I spent the next few days in shock. I was happy but I knew the end had come. It was so hard. I had to face myself as I had truly become and it scared me. That night I threw out my cigarettes, pills, and patches all into the fire and embarked on the worst few days of my life. The worst. The emotional darkness I wouldn't wish in anyone. But I did it. And now I know it was all about a very damaged spirit. A wounded heart that I am now trying to conciously heal. Pills covered it up. When you abuse anything you are putting off some pain that must be faced. Face it or slowly kill yourself. There were some nights that I took so many pills I had to tell myself to breathe, even though the thought of slowly slipping away was okay. But now I am glad I hung on. My baby is now 7 weeks inutero and has a heart beat. I am slowly getting healthy. I actually ran tonight for the first time in a year and a half. I ran and ran, thanking god for bringing me back to life.
There is so much more to this story, but that is enough. I am no hero or wonderwomen for the way I quit. It takes a big step to quit any way you can. I just want any of you to know that I have been in great darkness in my life, extreme darkness. More than once. And the light is there, even if you are so far in the tunnel it is a small pinpoint in the distance. I know how hard it is to believe you can get out, smell the air again, feel the sun on your face. But if I can you can. I have never met an evil such as pills, I believe it is the biggest challenge of my life. Yet I know if I go back I am giving up on life, my child, my future and I just can't do that. At 1 month clean I know I have a ways to go. But I can say in all honesty that I do not think about them anymore. I refuse to. I told my doctor to cut me off and everyone around me to keep it away. It is such a relief to not think about them 24 hours a day, how to get more, do I have enough, I need to take one. On and on it goes, pure torture. Thank you all that have posted before me. I have read your posts daily and it is what has gotten me through some of the lowest points.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Damn, girl.
You just made me cry.
You know, those seemingly profoundly joyous dopesick tears ...
The kind that I still get sometimes ... even after 5 months clean off of opiates.
You seem like the type that's still gonna have them too I bet.
Thanks, and welcome to SR.COM.
That might be the best introductory story I've ever read on here.
I pray you stick around and bless me with these tears often.
Peace be with you in any case
You just made me cry.
You know, those seemingly profoundly joyous dopesick tears ...
The kind that I still get sometimes ... even after 5 months clean off of opiates.
You seem like the type that's still gonna have them too I bet.
Thanks, and welcome to SR.COM.
That might be the best introductory story I've ever read on here.
I pray you stick around and bless me with these tears often.
Peace be with you in any case
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi Dragon,
Your story touched me and thanks for sharing...
Medication that is mind altering is a terrible addiction...Dec. will be one year opiate and benzo free and there are days I still miss them...Sometimes I find myself reaching for the phone to call the doc...I do have painful days...What stops me from calling the doc is I know I will be on that vicious cyle of addiction, soon...
Keep posting, we are glad you found us...
Your story touched me and thanks for sharing...
Medication that is mind altering is a terrible addiction...Dec. will be one year opiate and benzo free and there are days I still miss them...Sometimes I find myself reaching for the phone to call the doc...I do have painful days...What stops me from calling the doc is I know I will be on that vicious cyle of addiction, soon...
Keep posting, we are glad you found us...
Content with my past
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Hi Dragon, Very, very inspiring story. I could not imagine going thru what you have and to come out of it with your perspective. I am at 30 days myself and I know the most important way to quite those evil pills is to want it and want it bad. I have had the worst few days in a long time and have thought about using and thats when our SR family takes over and helps us thru it. We are always just a click away. Congrats on the pregnancy. Its a miracle and you are too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Seattle Washington
Posts: 40
True - so many times it would be easier to pick up that phone. When sleep is so hard, when headaches come and your tolerance is so gone that no matter how many ibu's or tylenols you take can help. Oh how I know. Thanks for sharing that truth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The morgue if I don't stay sober.
Posts: 38
Wow.
I...
Wow.
I don't even know what to say, and it's rare for me to be at a loss for words, motormouth that I am. What an inspiring story!
Best of health and strength to you and your child!
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