Any suggestions?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Cali
Posts: 9
Any suggestions?
Ok ~ I am an alcoholic and have maintained sobriety for 8 years, slipped and now have a month. My problem is:
My husband of 1 1/2 years is a heavy drinker, he is in the process of trying to sober up he has gone 7 days straight *yeah* but he is in such denial, he is still lying to himself about it. He says he just wants to get to a point were he can just drink 1 or 2 a night, he is used to drinking a 12pack by himself????? I want to help him but I find myself working on myself and not wanting to talk to him about his problem at all, is that wrong? His drinking became worse prior to us meeting about 5years ago, while he was going thru a separation with his then wife, whom he has a child with, it was hard for him to leave her, due to not wanting to leave his child. Now they are constantly fighting over the child, and the ex hates me being in the childs life, and is turning the child against me, which in turn makes him feel bad. He is a fixer and he doesn't know how to fix this, so to get away from it all he drinks and drinks and drinks..... I just don't know what to do?
My husband of 1 1/2 years is a heavy drinker, he is in the process of trying to sober up he has gone 7 days straight *yeah* but he is in such denial, he is still lying to himself about it. He says he just wants to get to a point were he can just drink 1 or 2 a night, he is used to drinking a 12pack by himself????? I want to help him but I find myself working on myself and not wanting to talk to him about his problem at all, is that wrong? His drinking became worse prior to us meeting about 5years ago, while he was going thru a separation with his then wife, whom he has a child with, it was hard for him to leave her, due to not wanting to leave his child. Now they are constantly fighting over the child, and the ex hates me being in the childs life, and is turning the child against me, which in turn makes him feel bad. He is a fixer and he doesn't know how to fix this, so to get away from it all he drinks and drinks and drinks..... I just don't know what to do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi,
Welcome to SR!
Sounds like you do have a full plate right now.
I'd focus on my own sobriety and recovery. Do you have a sponsor? Do you go to meetings?
Try to keep the focus on this day....one day at a time. I know that sounds trite....as in too simplistic, but it really is wise to do when life is a pileup of triggers and distractions.
Good luck and keep posting so we can get to know yoiu better. You might find some Codependency support in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum.
Take it easy... You're doing great on your return to sober living!
Welcome to SR!
Sounds like you do have a full plate right now.
I'd focus on my own sobriety and recovery. Do you have a sponsor? Do you go to meetings?
Try to keep the focus on this day....one day at a time. I know that sounds trite....as in too simplistic, but it really is wise to do when life is a pileup of triggers and distractions.
Good luck and keep posting so we can get to know yoiu better. You might find some Codependency support in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum.
Take it easy... You're doing great on your return to sober living!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey tinamarie - the best you can do is lead by good example. you can't control his drinking, but you have choices about how you live/conduct your life.
make your sobriety the priority - without it, all the other stuff won't matter anyway?
support to you, k
make your sobriety the priority - without it, all the other stuff won't matter anyway?
support to you, k
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
K's got it, TinaMarie. Try to fix your life first, and hope it rubs off I guess...
hard as it is (and I've got the campaign medals to prove it) you can't 'save' someone else...we can only save ouselves. It's a personal fight for us all.
D
hard as it is (and I've got the campaign medals to prove it) you can't 'save' someone else...we can only save ouselves. It's a personal fight for us all.
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm..
I suggest you check out Al anon as you are living with a drinker.
I suggest you chek out AA as you are starting a new sobriety.
Well done on your 8 sober years!
I suggest you check out Al anon as you are living with a drinker.
I suggest you chek out AA as you are starting a new sobriety.
Well done on your 8 sober years!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 69
I used to drink a twelve pack or more and told myself that I was only drinking because I enjoyed it. Bzzzzzzt! Wrong.
If he says that he is cutting out the drinking for now, use it! Whatever it takes for him to stop drinking. If he says that he wants to be able to hold it to one or two beers after he has spent some time without booze, hold him to it.
Ask him what you should do if he goes over that amount. It's a fair question. ("What do you think is fair for me to do if you drink more than that amount? Do I have a right to point that out...or leave?" If you don't have an agreed ramification, he can play the bitter drunk, and claim that you are nagging him over nothing. 12 beers at a time is a problem, no matter who you are. So, if he agrees to two beers a day, what is a reasonable reaction, from you, that the two of you can agree on?
If he normally drinks that much, he risks a lot. His ex couple probably show this pattern in court and make it very difficult to see the child. Also, as a recoverer yourself, you probably have a breaking point that he will cross with continued heavy drinking.
As far as your relationship with the child (former therapist here....and stepchild here), your relationship will have to evolve, not appear. There's not much you can do about it, and nothing that he can do to "fix" it. My mother (also a therapist) tried all kinds of things to get me to like my stepfather. It was years into our relationship before I gave him any leeway, much less spend time with him. He was simply consistent and kind. Early on, he simply tried to find a common ground that we could enjoy....collecting stamps, trading books to read, building stuff. It was slow and gradual, and I was skeptical of him until I moved to college.
But now, I see him as a third parent. There's nothing that my mother could have manufactured, or my father tear down, to make that relationship happen.
Kids are smart. They know who is a good person and who is a bad person, no matter what someone might tell them. Don't bargain with the kid, don't beg, don't force, don't buy...just be calm and consistent, and talk with them when they want to talk.
Tell the dad to work on the booze, and you will work on your relationship with the child. There is nothing that he can say or do to affect it, except maybe make the kid feel bitter about being forced to like you.
If he says that he is cutting out the drinking for now, use it! Whatever it takes for him to stop drinking. If he says that he wants to be able to hold it to one or two beers after he has spent some time without booze, hold him to it.
Ask him what you should do if he goes over that amount. It's a fair question. ("What do you think is fair for me to do if you drink more than that amount? Do I have a right to point that out...or leave?" If you don't have an agreed ramification, he can play the bitter drunk, and claim that you are nagging him over nothing. 12 beers at a time is a problem, no matter who you are. So, if he agrees to two beers a day, what is a reasonable reaction, from you, that the two of you can agree on?
If he normally drinks that much, he risks a lot. His ex couple probably show this pattern in court and make it very difficult to see the child. Also, as a recoverer yourself, you probably have a breaking point that he will cross with continued heavy drinking.
As far as your relationship with the child (former therapist here....and stepchild here), your relationship will have to evolve, not appear. There's not much you can do about it, and nothing that he can do to "fix" it. My mother (also a therapist) tried all kinds of things to get me to like my stepfather. It was years into our relationship before I gave him any leeway, much less spend time with him. He was simply consistent and kind. Early on, he simply tried to find a common ground that we could enjoy....collecting stamps, trading books to read, building stuff. It was slow and gradual, and I was skeptical of him until I moved to college.
But now, I see him as a third parent. There's nothing that my mother could have manufactured, or my father tear down, to make that relationship happen.
Kids are smart. They know who is a good person and who is a bad person, no matter what someone might tell them. Don't bargain with the kid, don't beg, don't force, don't buy...just be calm and consistent, and talk with them when they want to talk.
Tell the dad to work on the booze, and you will work on your relationship with the child. There is nothing that he can say or do to affect it, except maybe make the kid feel bitter about being forced to like you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On a Beach Some Where
Posts: 103
It is like looking in the mirror
[QUOTE=Empty Cartridge;1558858]
Ask him what you should do if he goes over that amount. It's a fair question. ("What do you think is fair for me to do if you drink more than that amount? Do I have a right to point that out...or leave?" If you don't have an agreed ramification, he can play the bitter drunk, and claim that you are nagging him over nothing. 12 beers at a time is a problem, no matter who you are. So, if he agrees to two beers a day, what is a reasonable reaction, from you, that the two of you can agree on?
If he normally drinks that much, he risks a lot. His ex couple probably show this pattern in court and make it very difficult to see the child. Also, as a recoverer yourself, you probably have a breaking point that he will cross with continued heavy drinking.
Tina, Whittengirl and I are going through the same thing. I used to drink like that. I worried about my drinking causing me to loose my daughter. The mother would use it to the fullest!
Whittengirl is in the same boat as you with my daughter also.
Praise your husband, Focus on you. Invite him to meetings with you if you go to them.
Good luck!
Ask him what you should do if he goes over that amount. It's a fair question. ("What do you think is fair for me to do if you drink more than that amount? Do I have a right to point that out...or leave?" If you don't have an agreed ramification, he can play the bitter drunk, and claim that you are nagging him over nothing. 12 beers at a time is a problem, no matter who you are. So, if he agrees to two beers a day, what is a reasonable reaction, from you, that the two of you can agree on?
If he normally drinks that much, he risks a lot. His ex couple probably show this pattern in court and make it very difficult to see the child. Also, as a recoverer yourself, you probably have a breaking point that he will cross with continued heavy drinking.
Tina, Whittengirl and I are going through the same thing. I used to drink like that. I worried about my drinking causing me to loose my daughter. The mother would use it to the fullest!
Whittengirl is in the same boat as you with my daughter also.
Praise your husband, Focus on you. Invite him to meetings with you if you go to them.
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Cali
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone for your wonderful advise, and yes I do realize I am the only one I can worry about. I try to talk to him about it, but the only thing I get back is harsh words and a defensive attitude. So I give up. If drinking is more important to him he can have it. I am sure if/when he looses me he will get over it, but if he looses his child (I am hoping that it does not come to this) but this might knock him up side the head a bit and get him to realize maybe there is something wrong with wanting to "drink when I come home from work", which leads to wanting one in the morning, noon and early evening, late evening whatever. He just doesn't get it.
Here is something I read once, and I keep in mind allot lately:
"Nothing can affect you without your permission. Your feelings are yours. Treat them like a vault, by maintaining control over who enters".
Here is something I read once, and I keep in mind allot lately:
"Nothing can affect you without your permission. Your feelings are yours. Treat them like a vault, by maintaining control over who enters".
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