On~Fire

From a little child me and my siblings have never had a healthy relationship with our parents. We are from a split family. Mother was married twice and father 3 times. With this said, in my early recovery i chose not to speak to my dad for my own sake. I have enough going on without dealing with someone elses negative opinions who seems like their only interests is proving me wrong and wanting me to feel bad. He used to intimidate me as a young boy with his anger. Now that im grown im the agressor and i dont take any crap off of him. Thing is, is now i feel like that anger has been cycled down to me. I dont want it.
The point of this thread is that im meeting up with him for the first time tomorrow for lunch in a year. I go through alot of years where i will not talk to him and this will probably be the way things continue for us. I have a problem with alcohol and thats nobodys fault. But i feel like he had alot to contribute with my anger issues. I just want things to change but he blames me for the way his life turned out and i blame him for the way mine did. Truth is is my father was never a very loving man. He always told me he loved me. But it almost as everything he did and said was to be politically correct. You can feel when someone loves you. It doesnt really need to be said even though its nice to hear. But when someone is telling you that and there is no feeling of love between you then its just fake.
He likes to try to give me money. Then try to talk down to me then is what happens every time. So for me its really just game over on this. Tomorrow will probably the last time i ever see my dad. I hope its a good lunch but im not expecting much. Im not really sure why i wrote this thread except that i had to talk about it. Thanks for reading.

Missymae737

Hi Onfire,

I understand your anger issues...I as a young teenager resented my parents..They were both alcoholics and died from this diisease...

I have learned to be forgiving with them...they did the best they could with the disease they suffered from...This way of thinking helps me...

Resentments are stumbling blocks on your journey to recovery...

Anna

Hi,

I'm really glad that you posted about this and maybe just the writing of your feelings will help you. Recovery is about forgiveness. And by forgiveness, I don't mean that you say whatever happened was okay, because it wasn't. But for me, forgiveness has been trying to lighten my load. I try to put down the anger and resentment and bitterness that I feel towards my parents. And, I do it for myself because it's a heavy load to carry. It's not easy and I've done it in stages. Maybe you can try believing that carrying those negative feelings is harming you. In other words, it's letting your Dad still continue to hurt you.

I hope that you have a good meeting with your Dad and that things work out as they should. Let us know what happens.

On~Fire

Thanks for your sentiments. I dont know if their valid or not. Because i question my own. But that rebel wont leave. If i give up my rebel life? There is no protection. The way this is sounding when i type i dont think actually reflects the way i feel. Everything on here sounds like a complaint when i re-read it. Im not the complaining type. But i am the negative type. Well i have had a negative life. There are people who care about me in this world. But they cant change me. One thing i can promise is that once you stop hearing from me that means im dead. Im not scared to die, but i do worry about where i leave my ghost. I dont want to leave it here thats for sure. I couldnt even do that to something that might only be a figment of my imagination. One thing i do know is im going to be up the rest of the night. This anger is to far progressed on me today for any peace or any kind of sleep to enter my life. Good thing i think im a good guy because if i went by what my parents have taught me i promise i would of lived a homicidal life. Ill never hurt another person though, that would only make them say "see, he's a cold son of a bitch"

sunkensky

Sounds like it didn't go so well, then?

Sorry.

I hope time takes care of that anger for you.

On~Fire

I knew it would come to this. I dont think im a bad ass. I just think i want to die. I dont want to kill myself but somebodys going to do it eventually. Last night i comfronted two drug dealers outside my building, just hoping they would make that move. I said everything i could to the point of calling their mom a "B" guess they must of not been from the side of town they said they were from. Thats where i came from and i know only a punk would let me talk that way. Only a punk around there wouldnt carry a gun just for a situation just like that. I dont want to get better i want to die. IM tired of posting these stupid as threads.

Jules62

Um.....

I don't believe you want to die-I believe you want to stop the pain.

Having said that-it is against SR rules here to post you're going to kill yourself-especially in a newcomers thread-for a good reason.

I am sorry you feel so low-many of us here have felt like you do right now.

I hope you get the help you need.

Jules.

CarolD

Whoa! You need not force death by acting dangerously.
I think you are here to find a new happier way to live.

Many of us are here for that reason...I sure am!

There is healing and peace ...give yourself time to find yours.
Prayer helps me so much...have you tried to pray?

CarolD

Here is the SR Rule Jules referred to...
Please click for info...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...orum-rule.html

Dee74

On Fire
I think most of us have felt this way at some time...but we've come through it. Having come through it myself I really believe each of us is unique and has something to offer...

seeing as no-one else posted it, this is the full link to what Carol alluded to...apart from the forum stuff it has some links which you might find helpful

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

we're here for ya
D

Missymae737

On-fire,

Your anger is killing you...You lack self esteem...This maybe due to your alcohol consumption and it is causing you to be in this depressed, angry state of mind.

There is hope...Get medical attention...

You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't want help...

Thinking of you...