Hevyn

...to even be reading a forum like this, let alone write anything! I was minding my own business, looking up "Health Problems of Alcoholics" and there you all were! I can't help myself, I keep returning! If I could be of any help to anyone with my experience as a veteran drinker I'd be happy. I am older than most of you with decades of alcohol abuse. I was only sober 3 years and would like to say it was such a wonderful 3 years that I never wanted to drink again! That would be a lie, and there can be no more lies. I currently am fooling myself into thinking I can have "a beer now and then", but recently I binged again and had the worst time ever stopping. I'm older now, and so there's physical damage, I have terrible pain in my kidneys. I tried AA briefly, I couldn't understand why everyone seemed so upbeat and cheery, I was miserable, resentful, and sorry for myself. I was too self-conscious to share, so the experience was lost on me. With all I have put myself through, 3 DUI's (including 8 days in jail), embarassment at work, ruined family relationships, financial disaster, ETC. you would think I would "get it" by now and be more than willing to stop. It makes no logical sense to continue, and I am not a stupid person. All I want is to be able to drink "normally" and enjoy it as I once did. Holidays, weddings, vacations, all seem so "flat" without my friend alcohol. In my heart I know I can't go on like this and expect my body to keep coming back time and time again. Yet here it is Saturday. What's a weekend without a few drinks (or 50?). Bless you all for listening to my ramble, I am getting choked up and will stop for now. It's so wonderful that so many of you are strong and courageous, I commend you.

baggervance

HEVYN
thats the deal your experierence can help others if your sober we all know how to drink.I stay sober when I help others.When I go to AA meetings keep and open mind have compassion I leave on a high.I dont want to drink today I know I'll never drink normally agin will that stop me I dont know.I know if I continue to go to meetings take advice work the steps I got a shot but no way I can drink agin.I find I can be more of a part of social evets when Im not drunk,first part is I show up in the past I'd be off drunk with someone who wanted to drink like me.

Emily2002

Funny how alike some of sound... You're where I am, Hevyn. Anger/denial/despair.

I came to the board under similar circumstances, by accident and while looking up information on alcohol's effect on the liver. That was back in November, I think.

I'm on day 2 again, and I'm glad you found all these good people to bounce questions, ideas, and feelings off of.

Welcome and hope to see more of you...

Anna

Hi Hevyn,

Welcome!

I am sorry that your experience being sober was not a good one. Since I stopped drinking, I have had an amazing time on vacations, at weddings etc. I can plan what I'm doing and know that I will be 'present'. I can remember things and even when my computer died and I lost the photos of my last vacation, I still have the images in my mind.

It's never to late to change your way of thinking, and I'm glad you are here and I hope you continue to read and post.

Missymae737

Hello Hevyn,

Once you cross the boundaries of of "normal drinking" to no control drinking, one cannot safely drink normally again.

It looks like you have suffered enough losses but have you reached your bottom??

Late stage alcoholism is most sad. Instead of enyoying the buzz, one drinks to calm the physical withdrawals...It wasn't until I reached this point that I totally surrendered...and started a life of recovery...

Thinking of you....

Hevyn

Thank you for what you said. It's just that I've been at it so long, it's such a part of everything I do. As I've said before, it would almost be like learning to live again without it. But people can learn to adjust to anything - people lose their sight, the use of their legs, etc. - and go on. I have no right to whine about the loss of alcohol in my life. I know this, and yet I still can't bring myself to say, this is it, no more. I've been on this site on and off for hours today. I must have been meant to find it. Each and every person has something valuable to say and I am so humbled by all that everyone's been through.

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

If I could be of any help to anyone with my experience as a veteran drinker I'd be happy. I am older than most of you with decades of alcohol abuse.

Actually, you've already helped by letting us know you were able to quit for a while, and nothing got better when you picked up again. If anything, things probably got worse, since alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I, too, had "decades of alcohol abuse"...fortunately, I have almost as many decades sober through AA.

Quote:

I tried AA briefly, I couldn't understand why everyone seemed so upbeat and cheery, I was miserable, resentful, and sorry for myself. I was too self-conscious to share, so the experience was lost on me.

I'm sorry you didn't take full advantage of AA when you went before...but, you know the meetings are still there, and the doors are always open. I'll bet if you go back, you'll have an entirely different attitude...because now I believe you're truly ready to get honest...no more lies...no more half measures.

stone

Hi and welcome Hevyn.

Pilgrim

Good to have you here Hevyn. Welcome to SR. You have helped me heaps. I want to be able to go back too. I want the nice little fantasy world I get when I can escape with my drink. I am like you though. I am an alcoholic. I can't wish this one away either.

I loved your honesty and I really appreciate it.

Did you get a sponsor and do the steps last time when you went to AA?

CarolD

Please read this link...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

The info from this book convinced me to quit drinking
(at 55)
and I do hope you too will find it useful.

Welcome to SR!

barb dwyer

hi!

IO Storm

Hevyn...

Just want to repeat what you said here...

With all I have put myself through, 3 DUI's (including 8 days in jail), embarassment at work, ruined family relationships, financial disaster, ETC. you would think I would "get it" by now and be more than willing to stop. It makes no logical sense to continue, and I am not a stupid person. All I want is to be able to drink "normally" and enjoy it as I once did. Holidays, weddings, vacations, all seem so "flat" without my friend alcoholl.

You say your sharing here may be so NOT like you...but it sure as heck is a lot

like me..and countless others with this disease...

AA says that we wanted to continue drinking..we had a dream of being able

to enjoy our drinking like "normal" men..and women...

You are so NOT alone...you stated here..

but recently I binged again and had the worst time ever stopping. I'm older now, and so there's physical damage.

So you have first hand experience of how the disease is progressive and fatal..

It grows along with us...bites harder each time we pick up...and inflicts

more damage than before..

Two years ago..I relpased after 8 years..I only drank for a year on and off..but by

the time I finally put the plug in the jug..my eyes were yellow.

My downfall was not practicing the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous..I

expected what recovery I had in me to last for the long haul. My recovery

was built on a shaky foundation..and when grief and loss hit me..I caved.

My ability to rely on self failed.

It is only by the grace of God and a daily spiritual program that I have been

clean, sober, and somewhat serene for 14 months...

You see, for me, that hole inside of me has to be filled..alcohol sure as heck did not

do the job...but the grace of God has..and continues each day.

I would suggest going back to AA...give it another chance..and

keep posting to let us know how you are progressing.

We love you here !!!!

My best to you,

Blessings..



IO

khiggs

Hevyn. Your honesty speaks in a voice that is not alone. We all appreciate it and we all hear it. Step outside yourself for a moment and see yourself as someone asking for help. What would you do to help that person? Do it for yourself! Put your arm around your own shoulder, cry maybe if you want to, but let go of the pain and maybe try AA again. Take strength in this forum. ~Kate

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, hevyn - keep posting, k

BaldHeadedJohn

Welcome Hevyn.

It's never too late to stop drinking.
I forget who said it above, but the meetings are still there, and the doors are still open.
I personally know a man who came into AA at the young age of 74, very bad physically. He's now one of the happiest, most content people I know.

Give it another a try. Blessings to you, Hevyn.

LRH

SaTiT

Hi heavyn.
I did one of those too. i figure i tried to find an alternative to my problems
after i relapsed. In my mind, I didn't think, I was drinking that much, but I
was getting drunk everyday. Then i started getting flashback of a lot of turama
of events in my life. i totally blackout or my mind went blank for a couple of blocks
on my way to work one morning, I wasn't even drunk, but alcohol had effected
my body even worst. Luckily i didn't run over that kid.

i don't know, i still can't imagine not drinking for the rest of my life.
And I tend to put off important things until tommorow or the last moment.
It's a part of my charecter.
So i started applying my program again, as corney as it might be.
Maybe I'll drink tommorow, but just for today I won't drink no matter what.
I just had to keep it simple like that, becuase i'm too complicated.

leeside

Hi Hevyn,

As far as I know, SR is about recovery from alcohol and not a way to learn how to enjoy drinking, but a way to enjoy "not" drinking. I hope you stick around and try to learn (with the rest of us) how to enjoy "not" drinking.

Jfanagle

Hevyn,

Please take this in the spirit that it is intended. Your quote "It's just that I've been at it so long, it's such a part of everything I do. As I've said before, it would almost be like learning to live again without it."

Not a problem. The fates have set it up in advance for us "over-doers"; alcohol abuse will relieve us of having to learn to "live" if we don't do without IT! The big dirt nap is just around the corner. I too am an "older than you guys kind of fellow." Sobriety came late in life for me as well. One of the best things about AA as near as I can tell is that I am still getting OLDER everyday.

You sound like such a compassionate and caring person, if I may suggest read your original post in this thread as though you didn't write it, but need to advise the author what best to do to SAVE THEIR LIFE. If you are anything like I am you are better at giving advice than taking it.

I just buried an old drinking buddy of mine who used to tell me these last few years, "Jon, I think it is great how you have been sober these past years, and I know I should, but what the hell, life wouldn't be any fun without booze." The last 3 months as he slowly died from multiple organ failure resulting from alcohol abuse he had somehow lost that DEVIL MAY CARE attitude. I sat and cried with him the day before he died. Not a fun story and if it scares you, gets you mad, or creates a resentment at my boldness and inappropriate comments such that you "show me" by stopping then that will be wonderful.

I will offer my hand and support to help you learn to LIVE without alcohol if that is what the hold up on sobriety is. God bless you and come on in and join us, it really can be fun.

Jon

Hevyn

I do know it's about recovery & not learning to be a social drinker, but I wanted to share the "twisted logic" I am currently using. Part of me knows I'm stubbornly and irrationally holding on to the old days. I know it's over, and I'm scared. Thanks, Lee.

parentrecovers

i know each time my daughter relapses, she says it's about 3 things:

people - she gets involved again with old drinking friends

false confidence - she gets to feeling stronger and thinks she can manage a few (not)

resentment - she wants to be like everyone else, damn it!

moderation never works. one drink and she is right back to her old using self..

blessings, k