shot in the dark....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
shot in the dark....
the proverbial tree that falls in the forrest...
Been up all night. Bought a gram around 11, after work. Restaraunt work. "oh...it's just the business". still drinking beer and it's 8 am. Last night I threw away $90 dollars that I couldn't afford to throw away so I could play poker online. Because I was drunk and it was easy to convince myself. It's a trend of mine. Wake up hating what I did the night before (not just that), hating what I said, hating that I drove! I know...I know...but apparently I don't. I've been spending - on average - 100 dollars a week (sometimes none sometimes 4) on coke for the last 3 years or more....probably more I drink at least 4 or 5 a night (at least). I do so many things that I wish I could stop but I can't convince myself that it's .... "abnormal". Will I still have the friends I care about if I don't at least party a "little" bit? Do I still want those friends? Can I even accomplish "a little bit" (like I don't know the answer to that) I wait tables in a fine dining restaraunt. Wine is essential. And I love wine. How can I give that up? But give me 3 drinks and I'm making a call....THE call...bank on it. Does this make sense to anyone? Ahhhhh..... I just don't know what to do...how to do...how to be any other way...I don't want to live this way anymore, but I don't know how to live any other way.
Been up all night. Bought a gram around 11, after work. Restaraunt work. "oh...it's just the business". still drinking beer and it's 8 am. Last night I threw away $90 dollars that I couldn't afford to throw away so I could play poker online. Because I was drunk and it was easy to convince myself. It's a trend of mine. Wake up hating what I did the night before (not just that), hating what I said, hating that I drove! I know...I know...but apparently I don't. I've been spending - on average - 100 dollars a week (sometimes none sometimes 4) on coke for the last 3 years or more....probably more I drink at least 4 or 5 a night (at least). I do so many things that I wish I could stop but I can't convince myself that it's .... "abnormal". Will I still have the friends I care about if I don't at least party a "little" bit? Do I still want those friends? Can I even accomplish "a little bit" (like I don't know the answer to that) I wait tables in a fine dining restaraunt. Wine is essential. And I love wine. How can I give that up? But give me 3 drinks and I'm making a call....THE call...bank on it. Does this make sense to anyone? Ahhhhh..... I just don't know what to do...how to do...how to be any other way...I don't want to live this way anymore, but I don't know how to live any other way.
trying to get it..
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
Yes it makes sense in the sense that you are addicted it appears..like me ..alcohol for me...and I know, know I have to give it up........I don't have enough sobriety yet (3 days) to give you advice other than realize its self destructive and come to the point as I did that you reach a point where you admit you are powerless...I am sure other advice will follow from those that have been sucessfull...hang in there...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 36
You are here so that is a good sign. I can tell you from my personal standpoint. If you want to quit, you have to get out of the restaurants. I've been doing restaurants off and on for the last 10 years. The alcohol is of course around and every place I've ever worked the drugs just fly around like candy. I know I can never work in restaurants again and I hate that because I like it, but I know that's what I have to do to stay sober.
You just have to make the decision of what you really want and be proactive to do whatever you have to get help if that's what you want.
Glad that you are here, and I wish you luck.
Amanda
You just have to make the decision of what you really want and be proactive to do whatever you have to get help if that's what you want.
Glad that you are here, and I wish you luck.
Amanda
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
Been up all night too
Hi Piper
Seems we live the same life, I was up all night last night on a binge as well. Been lurking the past couple days and this is my first post. I read yours and was thinking dam no reason to post he did it for me.
I have alot of the same feelings as you and am strugling with what to do. I get drunk 3 or 4 nights a week, have been on a prety good drug binge the past 2 years, In the past year Ive done alot more coke that I thought I ever would, I just bought a 1/2 oz this week thinking im saving money by purchasing in volume, what a joke, once I start I cant stop. I feel like **** and know I cant do this any more. Ill have to post more in a new thread. but your thread said it all for me, I dont want to quit drinking all together, I enjoy it. I like to party once in a wile (oh ya now its like every day). But having a few beers at least has been a big part of my life. So I can seriously relate to where you are right now.
Funny thing is I went for a walk today and thought about how you said you get a few drinks in ya and you make that call. Then I remebered that this morning right after I did my last line, I decided right then to delete my dealers number from my phone and I did along with my other conection. **** its a start, I know I can track him down but at least next time I got a couple drinks in me I cant just call him up.
Any way , good luck keep me posted. Scary thing is I still got at least an 8ball, And I hate to say it but im not gona through it down the drain. Typical of my past year "Ill start next week"
Seems we live the same life, I was up all night last night on a binge as well. Been lurking the past couple days and this is my first post. I read yours and was thinking dam no reason to post he did it for me.
I have alot of the same feelings as you and am strugling with what to do. I get drunk 3 or 4 nights a week, have been on a prety good drug binge the past 2 years, In the past year Ive done alot more coke that I thought I ever would, I just bought a 1/2 oz this week thinking im saving money by purchasing in volume, what a joke, once I start I cant stop. I feel like **** and know I cant do this any more. Ill have to post more in a new thread. but your thread said it all for me, I dont want to quit drinking all together, I enjoy it. I like to party once in a wile (oh ya now its like every day). But having a few beers at least has been a big part of my life. So I can seriously relate to where you are right now.
Funny thing is I went for a walk today and thought about how you said you get a few drinks in ya and you make that call. Then I remebered that this morning right after I did my last line, I decided right then to delete my dealers number from my phone and I did along with my other conection. **** its a start, I know I can track him down but at least next time I got a couple drinks in me I cant just call him up.
Any way , good luck keep me posted. Scary thing is I still got at least an 8ball, And I hate to say it but im not gona through it down the drain. Typical of my past year "Ill start next week"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 81
Welcome Piper!
I know as soon as I have a few glasses of wine I always get that urge to call my dealer too. It's a given. I even notice how hard it has been to get up in the mornings without that little extra boost to get me going. Then I think about all the years that I managed without the drugs. I sure used to manage to get up and go to work then. I didn't even complain! I don't know where I got so lost.
We're all different folks but seem to be leading the same lives!
Anyway welcome! I'm glad you found this great place!
Daisy
I know as soon as I have a few glasses of wine I always get that urge to call my dealer too. It's a given. I even notice how hard it has been to get up in the mornings without that little extra boost to get me going. Then I think about all the years that I managed without the drugs. I sure used to manage to get up and go to work then. I didn't even complain! I don't know where I got so lost.
We're all different folks but seem to be leading the same lives!
Anyway welcome! I'm glad you found this great place!
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey piper ---
Just thought I'd chime in here.....perhaps answer a few of your questions....at least imho they're answers.....
You asked, "...Will I still have the friends I care about if I don't at least party a "little" bit? Do I still want those friends?.."
You may still have some of those friends...or maybe you won't won't them.....but if partying is a prerequisite.....? I'd pass 9n them, and mke new friends, friends with different ''partying' plans......
You asked, "...Can I even accomplish "a little bit" (like I don't know the answer to that)..."
ABSOLUTELY.....you cam accomplish a LOT!!!
You said/asked, "...I wait tables in a fine dining restaraunt. Wine is essential. And I love wine. How can I give that up?.."
Although it may be essential 'to serve' wine, it's definitely NOT essential to drink it, especially as a waiter (I'm a REALLY good tipper, but a drunk waiter...? HAH ... (o: I'll get back to that question momentarily.....
Your final statement/question was...., "... I just don't know what to do...how to do...how to be any other way...I don't want to live this way anymore, but I don't know how to live any other way."
My suggestion would be to stay around here and read, and post, and read, and post.....etc. You might even want to check out rational recovery, or smart recovery, or poehaps even check out some AA/NA meetings in your area.....BUT remember.....sobriety starts with abstinance and evolves from there.....
Another poster here wrote, "...If you want to quit, you have to get out of the restaurants...I know I can never work in restaurants again and I hate that because I like it, but I know that's what I have to do to stay sober..."
I hear these sentiments from time to time from recovering folks, mostly newcomers, but sometimes from folks with 20 years and more.....and to me this is very sad....For me to have to 'stay away' from alcohol, for fear of using, well then, alcohol would still be controlling my life, and I got clean/sober to regain control and my life....after all, although the first step may say 'we admitted we were powerless over alcohol,' please note the tense.....it's PAST tense..... (o:
I'll close with a couple of quotes from AA's BigBook.....:
"...Thus was our friend's cornerstone fixed in place. No later vicissitude has shaken it. His alcoholic problem was taken away. That very night, years ago, it disappeared. Save for a few brief moments of temptation the though of drink has never returned; and at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him. Seemingly he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity... (pgs. 56-57)
and...
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our
experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition..."
(pgs 84-85)
and finally...
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the
alcohol problem.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
"You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?.." (pgs 100-101)
Just keep a positive attitude: I CAN DO IT!
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
Just thought I'd chime in here.....perhaps answer a few of your questions....at least imho they're answers.....
You asked, "...Will I still have the friends I care about if I don't at least party a "little" bit? Do I still want those friends?.."
You may still have some of those friends...or maybe you won't won't them.....but if partying is a prerequisite.....? I'd pass 9n them, and mke new friends, friends with different ''partying' plans......
You asked, "...Can I even accomplish "a little bit" (like I don't know the answer to that)..."
ABSOLUTELY.....you cam accomplish a LOT!!!
You said/asked, "...I wait tables in a fine dining restaraunt. Wine is essential. And I love wine. How can I give that up?.."
Although it may be essential 'to serve' wine, it's definitely NOT essential to drink it, especially as a waiter (I'm a REALLY good tipper, but a drunk waiter...? HAH ... (o: I'll get back to that question momentarily.....
Your final statement/question was...., "... I just don't know what to do...how to do...how to be any other way...I don't want to live this way anymore, but I don't know how to live any other way."
My suggestion would be to stay around here and read, and post, and read, and post.....etc. You might even want to check out rational recovery, or smart recovery, or poehaps even check out some AA/NA meetings in your area.....BUT remember.....sobriety starts with abstinance and evolves from there.....
Another poster here wrote, "...If you want to quit, you have to get out of the restaurants...I know I can never work in restaurants again and I hate that because I like it, but I know that's what I have to do to stay sober..."
I hear these sentiments from time to time from recovering folks, mostly newcomers, but sometimes from folks with 20 years and more.....and to me this is very sad....For me to have to 'stay away' from alcohol, for fear of using, well then, alcohol would still be controlling my life, and I got clean/sober to regain control and my life....after all, although the first step may say 'we admitted we were powerless over alcohol,' please note the tense.....it's PAST tense..... (o:
I'll close with a couple of quotes from AA's BigBook.....:
"...Thus was our friend's cornerstone fixed in place. No later vicissitude has shaken it. His alcoholic problem was taken away. That very night, years ago, it disappeared. Save for a few brief moments of temptation the though of drink has never returned; and at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him. Seemingly he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity... (pgs. 56-57)
and...
"...And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our
experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition..."
(pgs 84-85)
and finally...
"...Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the
alcohol problem.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
"You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?.." (pgs 100-101)
Just keep a positive attitude: I CAN DO IT!
NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi. There's a meeting that I go to, and one of the folks there is a server..he's got a few years sobriety under his belt..it can be done. Noelle had some great things to say..
Welcome.
Karen
Welcome.
Karen
GURUJAKE
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 34
Welcome Piper. Your story rings very familiar to me. Unfortunately, I wasn't close to looking for help back then. The good news is that you have taken the first step and I'm proud of you!! Back about 15 years ago, I was in exactly the same place you are now. I drank every night, almost always had cocaine to carefully counter my up/down state of mind and spent more money than I had. This went on for three years!...doing that every day/night. It dominated my thinking and my life. I thought the answer was to simply get off of the drugs. So, I moved out of state and out of the lives of my "friends" who were in the same pattern and also away from my dealer. Problem is...I took my mind with me. While I was successful in quitting my daily cocaine habit, my drinking escalated...and so did my gambling. It took me an additional 10 years before I realized that I was an alcoholic and that was the centerpiece of my problems...well, that and a lack of any spiritual connection. I encourage you to stick around, check out AA and read the BIG BOOK. It helped me understand why I think and act the way that I do and was an important part of my recovery process. Next month, I will celebrate 2 years clean and sober and life has never been better. Keep coming back and keep posting. You don't have to live like this anymore.
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