Hello! My first post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Hello! My first post.
Hi SR,
I've been reading your site for about two weeks.
I read it every day. It definately helps me to hear
the similar struggles others are going through, and their
willingness to share.
I had my last drink on June 1st. I started keeping a journal,
where i wrote a calendar. Every morning, i write YES! when
i didn't drink the day before.
The first week of june, i went to the library and got 4 books
on alcoholism. I want to teach myself as much as i can about
this addictive chemical.
The ones i liked most were
- "Beyond The Influence"
- "Understanding the Alcoholics Mind"
- "Drinking, A love Story".
I listened to this book on tape at least 10 times.
When i read 'Above the Influence' i found description after
description of me, my drinking patterns, and my
personality. I thought i was soo unique and sneaky
in my drinking. And here this researcher layed out
exactly the progression of how people increase their
drinking over time. I'm a very common drunk. LOL!
I highly recommend it. Either free from your library,
or Amazon.com if you can't find it there.
I also just ordered the HBO special "Addiction" from Amazon.com.
It's a 4 set DVD for $30
You can read about it at hbo dot com/addiction.
So far, my struggles with not drinking this month
have gone great! I don't have any physical cravings,
just mental cravings of old habits that hits me at the end of the work day.
I'm sleeping way too much. But i'm accepting that.
I have only ONE expectation for myself this month:
DO NOT DRINK. If I don't feel like cleaning the house,
i'm not doing it. I know i could drink and use the
poison/stimulant to get me through the task. But where does
that lead me?
Just to a guaranteed unhappy ending.
-
My negative stereotype is my 79 year old functioning alcoholic
uncle. This poor man has been drinking 1/2 a liter of J&B for
40 years :-(. Think how terribly sad that sounds.
My aunt is going through cancer treatments, and she's the strong
one in the family.
This image of my addicted uncle removes all romance
from drinking from my head. He really reminds me of a heroin
junkie. Even 25 years ago, when i was 15, he would come to family
parties, pour J&B into a 20 ounce glass, and within 20 minutes,
start blathering loudly about the stupidest BS. He'd pick
verbal fights, and just rely on the chemical to make him feel
all knowing. Then, after a beautiful thanksgiving dinner,
his head would drop and his he'd fall asleep sitting up at the
table! This happened EVERY FAMILY PARTY!.
He didn't become homeless, he didn't become belligerent.
But that drug took away a lot from his life.
Well folks, that isn't going to be me.
Alcohol is a cancer in my family. Stolen lots of lives.
He's actually better off than my other uncle, who went
from an engineer to collecting carts at the grocers.
-
So, i want you all to know how much i respect each and every
one of you for being here, acknowledging that you enjoy
a physically addicting poison that does indeed make you feel
wonderful for 2-3 hours .
But then the chemical fades, and you're left with 2-3 days
of physical pain, tiredness and social embarrassment.
I did too. But it doesn't work anymore.
I'm very addicted to caffeine. I'm drinking 6-10 cups
a day. That's been the case for 20 years.
I'm viewing my alcohol addiction like my caffeine addition.
it's something that i enjoy, and it affects my physiology
more than others. BUT, i need to accept that as the alcohol
addiction grows, it destroys the person it's addicting.
Much more than caffeine. So, i had my fun days with alcohol.
But, they haven't been fun for the last three years.
Just like i can't experience the true emotional
feeling of being a virgin again, no matter how
many one-night-stands i try, so too i can't
re-experience the perfect feeling i got from those
early days with alcohol.
Having my first pleasant drinking experience
versus my recent drinking experiences is like
comparing my first kiss to having sex with an
AIDS infected prostitute.
It's a pathetic act of hopelessness.
I'm a different person now,
and my body knows that witch alcohol too well to get fooled again.
In fact, my mind just mocks me when I drink.
O well! Change happens. I need to accept it.
Or a repeat of my uncles life awaits.
Look forward to chatting with you lots more.
I've been reading your site for about two weeks.
I read it every day. It definately helps me to hear
the similar struggles others are going through, and their
willingness to share.
I had my last drink on June 1st. I started keeping a journal,
where i wrote a calendar. Every morning, i write YES! when
i didn't drink the day before.
The first week of june, i went to the library and got 4 books
on alcoholism. I want to teach myself as much as i can about
this addictive chemical.
The ones i liked most were
- "Beyond The Influence"
- "Understanding the Alcoholics Mind"
- "Drinking, A love Story".
I listened to this book on tape at least 10 times.
When i read 'Above the Influence' i found description after
description of me, my drinking patterns, and my
personality. I thought i was soo unique and sneaky
in my drinking. And here this researcher layed out
exactly the progression of how people increase their
drinking over time. I'm a very common drunk. LOL!
I highly recommend it. Either free from your library,
or Amazon.com if you can't find it there.
I also just ordered the HBO special "Addiction" from Amazon.com.
It's a 4 set DVD for $30
You can read about it at hbo dot com/addiction.
So far, my struggles with not drinking this month
have gone great! I don't have any physical cravings,
just mental cravings of old habits that hits me at the end of the work day.
I'm sleeping way too much. But i'm accepting that.
I have only ONE expectation for myself this month:
DO NOT DRINK. If I don't feel like cleaning the house,
i'm not doing it. I know i could drink and use the
poison/stimulant to get me through the task. But where does
that lead me?
Just to a guaranteed unhappy ending.
-
My negative stereotype is my 79 year old functioning alcoholic
uncle. This poor man has been drinking 1/2 a liter of J&B for
40 years :-(. Think how terribly sad that sounds.
My aunt is going through cancer treatments, and she's the strong
one in the family.
This image of my addicted uncle removes all romance
from drinking from my head. He really reminds me of a heroin
junkie. Even 25 years ago, when i was 15, he would come to family
parties, pour J&B into a 20 ounce glass, and within 20 minutes,
start blathering loudly about the stupidest BS. He'd pick
verbal fights, and just rely on the chemical to make him feel
all knowing. Then, after a beautiful thanksgiving dinner,
his head would drop and his he'd fall asleep sitting up at the
table! This happened EVERY FAMILY PARTY!.
He didn't become homeless, he didn't become belligerent.
But that drug took away a lot from his life.
Well folks, that isn't going to be me.
Alcohol is a cancer in my family. Stolen lots of lives.
He's actually better off than my other uncle, who went
from an engineer to collecting carts at the grocers.
-
So, i want you all to know how much i respect each and every
one of you for being here, acknowledging that you enjoy
a physically addicting poison that does indeed make you feel
wonderful for 2-3 hours .
But then the chemical fades, and you're left with 2-3 days
of physical pain, tiredness and social embarrassment.
I did too. But it doesn't work anymore.
I'm very addicted to caffeine. I'm drinking 6-10 cups
a day. That's been the case for 20 years.
I'm viewing my alcohol addiction like my caffeine addition.
it's something that i enjoy, and it affects my physiology
more than others. BUT, i need to accept that as the alcohol
addiction grows, it destroys the person it's addicting.
Much more than caffeine. So, i had my fun days with alcohol.
But, they haven't been fun for the last three years.
Just like i can't experience the true emotional
feeling of being a virgin again, no matter how
many one-night-stands i try, so too i can't
re-experience the perfect feeling i got from those
early days with alcohol.
Having my first pleasant drinking experience
versus my recent drinking experiences is like
comparing my first kiss to having sex with an
AIDS infected prostitute.
It's a pathetic act of hopelessness.
I'm a different person now,
and my body knows that witch alcohol too well to get fooled again.
In fact, my mind just mocks me when I drink.
O well! Change happens. I need to accept it.
Or a repeat of my uncles life awaits.
Look forward to chatting with you lots more.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hello...
I got really excited reading your post....
You have done something that many newcomers have not done due to fear of
their condition.
You have looked this disease full in it's ugly twisted face and see it for what it
is and have accepted that this may be your own condition.
And, you have recognized something many alcoholics do not get around to
accepting until they have gone back out again to try "the experiment" over
and over again.
Quoting your post..
"I'm a very common drunk. LOL!
And then the chemical fades, and you're left with 2-3 days
of physical pain, tiredness and social embarrassment.
I did too. But it doesn't work anymore.
So, i had my fun days with alcohol.
But, they haven't been fun for the last three years.
Just like i can't experience the true emotional
feeling of being a virgin again, no matter how
many one-night-stands i try, so too i can't
re-experience the perfect feeling i got from those
early days with alcohol.
Having my first pleasant drinking experience
versus my recent drinking experiences is like
comparing my first kiss to having sex with an
AIDS infected prostitute.
It's a pathetic act of hopelessness. "
You have acknowleged that you can never get that "first High" ever again.
A true alcoholic can never gain control and "drink like other men". I myself tried
the experiment with alcohol 6 times!
Hmmm..never worked.
My best to you.
And welcome to SR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
:
IO
I got really excited reading your post....
You have done something that many newcomers have not done due to fear of
their condition.
You have looked this disease full in it's ugly twisted face and see it for what it
is and have accepted that this may be your own condition.
And, you have recognized something many alcoholics do not get around to
accepting until they have gone back out again to try "the experiment" over
and over again.
Quoting your post..
"I'm a very common drunk. LOL!
And then the chemical fades, and you're left with 2-3 days
of physical pain, tiredness and social embarrassment.
I did too. But it doesn't work anymore.
So, i had my fun days with alcohol.
But, they haven't been fun for the last three years.
Just like i can't experience the true emotional
feeling of being a virgin again, no matter how
many one-night-stands i try, so too i can't
re-experience the perfect feeling i got from those
early days with alcohol.
Having my first pleasant drinking experience
versus my recent drinking experiences is like
comparing my first kiss to having sex with an
AIDS infected prostitute.
It's a pathetic act of hopelessness. "
You have acknowleged that you can never get that "first High" ever again.
A true alcoholic can never gain control and "drink like other men". I myself tried
the experiment with alcohol 6 times!
Hmmm..never worked.
My best to you.
And welcome to SR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
:IO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
thanks!
thanks for all your wonderful feedback.
i have no idea why, but i got hit with
a bad flu bug. maybe i OD'd on coffee.
i don't know. but i just slept for
13 hours.
anyway, this is AT LEAST my 15th time
trying to stop drinking. I kept telling
myself after a night of heavy drinking
"I'm not drinking for a month".
I did that in Jan, Feb, Mar, April & May.
And by Thursday of the week, i'd have a
few beers or whatever. That would lead to
my buying half-pints of whiskey within
two weeks. so, i have a bad track record
of trying to get this disease under control
on my own.
One major change is i've made not drinking
the highest priority in my life right now.
All other things are going to take a back seat.
Plus, i find June to be a bette month for these
types of resolutions. January is such a bleak
month here. The cold, dark days filled with
the emotional and financial hangover of christmas
holidays. January is filled with bright days,
gardening, bicycling and other things to replace
the self-absorbed drinking i'd do in the basement.
So when i wrote "I'm not feeling the cravings anymore",
that was exciting for me, because i used to get them
something awful. And if i can break from that, now
i have the lesser problem of the mental habit of
"Now is my reward/drinking time".
I'm dealing with that now too.
I Hope everyone's friday night was filled with
gentleness, and not raging alcoholic fake-drama.
Happy Father's Day!
i have no idea why, but i got hit with
a bad flu bug. maybe i OD'd on coffee.
i don't know. but i just slept for
13 hours.
anyway, this is AT LEAST my 15th time
trying to stop drinking. I kept telling
myself after a night of heavy drinking
"I'm not drinking for a month".
I did that in Jan, Feb, Mar, April & May.
And by Thursday of the week, i'd have a
few beers or whatever. That would lead to
my buying half-pints of whiskey within
two weeks. so, i have a bad track record
of trying to get this disease under control
on my own.
One major change is i've made not drinking
the highest priority in my life right now.
All other things are going to take a back seat.
Plus, i find June to be a bette month for these
types of resolutions. January is such a bleak
month here. The cold, dark days filled with
the emotional and financial hangover of christmas
holidays. January is filled with bright days,
gardening, bicycling and other things to replace
the self-absorbed drinking i'd do in the basement.
So when i wrote "I'm not feeling the cravings anymore",
that was exciting for me, because i used to get them
something awful. And if i can break from that, now
i have the lesser problem of the mental habit of
"Now is my reward/drinking time".
I'm dealing with that now too.
I Hope everyone's friday night was filled with
gentleness, and not raging alcoholic fake-drama.
Happy Father's Day!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Hello Change,
Welcome aboard.... You post like a SR veteran.....It is nice to have new peeps on the site. I also had many false-starts in recovery, so I know where you are coming from......Most of us here have been down that road, hoping not the go down it again.......Keep posting, it sounds like you have alot to add to everyones benefit..................Have a great wk/end............Hope you feel better...NED
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 15
Welcome Change!
I started my recovery June 12th, so we're pretty close in our dates. I used to think I was alone with my situation, that because I haven't ended up homeless or shattered any lives (yet), that I didn't have a problem. It's nice to recognize it before it gets too much out of control. I realize I'm a binge drinker, and I can't stop once I start. I never drank everyday, always went to work (mostly), but my weekends were always a blur. It started to spread into the weekdays, and I was looking for any excuse to party. Drinking used to be fun, and I was the typical college guy that loved to have fun. I held on to the idea I could be the college kid the rest of my life. Then marriage and a son came along, and drinking no longer fits. Keep posting and reading. It's the only way I'm making it right now. Knowing I'm not alone.
I started my recovery June 12th, so we're pretty close in our dates. I used to think I was alone with my situation, that because I haven't ended up homeless or shattered any lives (yet), that I didn't have a problem. It's nice to recognize it before it gets too much out of control. I realize I'm a binge drinker, and I can't stop once I start. I never drank everyday, always went to work (mostly), but my weekends were always a blur. It started to spread into the weekdays, and I was looking for any excuse to party. Drinking used to be fun, and I was the typical college guy that loved to have fun. I held on to the idea I could be the college kid the rest of my life. Then marriage and a son came along, and drinking no longer fits. Keep posting and reading. It's the only way I'm making it right now. Knowing I'm not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
i'm like you too
hey broncosfan,
i'm you, just with 12 years more life under my belt.
i didn't drink everyday. and i didn't drink until blackout everytime.
but i drank too much 50% of the time.
if i would have acted the same way with crack or heroin
or some other drug i deemed dangerous, i would have been
appalled. but somehow, i deemed alcohol 'social'.
if it is, nobody told my brain. cuz my brain says
'keep em coming, chief'.
and, like you, everyone in my family drinks.
and it's caused endless problems for us.
we can do this.
just remember. alcohol is a drug.
and just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's helpful.
i'm you, just with 12 years more life under my belt.
i didn't drink everyday. and i didn't drink until blackout everytime.
but i drank too much 50% of the time.
if i would have acted the same way with crack or heroin
or some other drug i deemed dangerous, i would have been
appalled. but somehow, i deemed alcohol 'social'.
if it is, nobody told my brain. cuz my brain says
'keep em coming, chief'.
and, like you, everyone in my family drinks.
and it's caused endless problems for us.
we can do this.
just remember. alcohol is a drug.
and just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's helpful.
Determined
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the verge of insanity
Posts: 330
Hi Acceptingchange
Thankyou for your great posts! Your words were great especially in your 1st post. Made me think, kicked me back to the reality of the horrible poison so thank you, thank you very much.
I too wake up and dont feellikek doing stuff so don't!! I can always do it tomorrow!! lol
I wish you well in your journey and am glad you found SR
Big hugs
CW
Thankyou for your great posts! Your words were great especially in your 1st post. Made me think, kicked me back to the reality of the horrible poison so thank you, thank you very much.
I too wake up and dont feellikek doing stuff so don't!! I can always do it tomorrow!! lol
I wish you well in your journey and am glad you found SR
Big hugs
CW
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