I hate myself for using but I dont want to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: HI
Posts: 1
I hate myself for using but I dont want to stop
This is hard. Right now I'm questioning why I'm on this site. I won't allow myself to think about it but I know I have a problem. So I'm just going to do some free writing, just say whatever comes to mind.
I think I'm probably an addict. I have issues with substance abuse. I guess self-medicating myself is a way to shut the world out, to detach myself from it because sometimes I hate being alive. Not that I'm suicidal but the thought of not existing is comforting. The truth is ... if I hadn't had two friends kill themselves over the past two years I don't know if I'd here. A friend of mine killed himself pretty dramatically and it changed my life forever. The images of bone and blood I will always remember. tHATS when my problems began. And I wish my misery could end and it could be simple.
Instead I choose to put things into my body that make me forget how miserable I am. I drink almost everynight and everynight I don't stop untill I'm a little tipsy. I rarely get hammered and thats my excuse for getting a pretty good buzz going every day. I look forward to 5 pm and the two large dirty martini's I'll be having.
I smoke pot sometimes. I used to have a huge problem with it and put an ocean between home and me to get away from it. I moved from the mainland to hawaii and now have re[laced it with alcohal. I still smoke whenever I can though. I like how sleeply it makes me.
Every few months I go on an adderall binge. I used to take the stuff for my add but stopped because it made me numb. I had no personality. Now I'll take it every few months, stay up for 24 hours, crash and never want to touch the stuff again. But I do....\
I've been on lots of medication in my life. All have failed me. I have clinical depression, a huge case of add and I'm a biit obsessive com[ulsive. I'm only 23 but I've been on zoloft, paxil, prozac, lexapro, adderall and effexor.
I feel backed into a corner. Here I am, far away from my friends and family. Im a stay at home mom with an 18 month old baby and a husband that works all the time. Childcare here is impossible to find even if I did have $16 an hour to pay it. So meetings and psychiatrists are out.
Right now I'm living for my child. And hoping that one day i will have the possibilty to be peaceful and happy. Honestly though, maybe happiness isn't in the cards for some people.
I hate myself for using but I dont want to stop.
I think I'm probably an addict. I have issues with substance abuse. I guess self-medicating myself is a way to shut the world out, to detach myself from it because sometimes I hate being alive. Not that I'm suicidal but the thought of not existing is comforting. The truth is ... if I hadn't had two friends kill themselves over the past two years I don't know if I'd here. A friend of mine killed himself pretty dramatically and it changed my life forever. The images of bone and blood I will always remember. tHATS when my problems began. And I wish my misery could end and it could be simple.
Instead I choose to put things into my body that make me forget how miserable I am. I drink almost everynight and everynight I don't stop untill I'm a little tipsy. I rarely get hammered and thats my excuse for getting a pretty good buzz going every day. I look forward to 5 pm and the two large dirty martini's I'll be having.
I smoke pot sometimes. I used to have a huge problem with it and put an ocean between home and me to get away from it. I moved from the mainland to hawaii and now have re[laced it with alcohal. I still smoke whenever I can though. I like how sleeply it makes me.
Every few months I go on an adderall binge. I used to take the stuff for my add but stopped because it made me numb. I had no personality. Now I'll take it every few months, stay up for 24 hours, crash and never want to touch the stuff again. But I do....\
I've been on lots of medication in my life. All have failed me. I have clinical depression, a huge case of add and I'm a biit obsessive com[ulsive. I'm only 23 but I've been on zoloft, paxil, prozac, lexapro, adderall and effexor.
I feel backed into a corner. Here I am, far away from my friends and family. Im a stay at home mom with an 18 month old baby and a husband that works all the time. Childcare here is impossible to find even if I did have $16 an hour to pay it. So meetings and psychiatrists are out.
Right now I'm living for my child. And hoping that one day i will have the possibilty to be peaceful and happy. Honestly though, maybe happiness isn't in the cards for some people.
I hate myself for using but I dont want to stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Kittie,
I do understand how you feel. It's like a vicious circle and you get into and can't get out. I didn't like myself and my life and I began drinking to 'get through' a particularly tough time. I liked 'not being there' and not caring. But, it quickly took over my life and I felt worse and worse. I had been depressed for years before that, and eventually found the right med for me. After that, I was able to stop drinking and move forward. If you haven't found the right med or dosage, don't give up. Keep trying to talk to your dr.
We'll be here if you decide you want to stop.
I do understand how you feel. It's like a vicious circle and you get into and can't get out. I didn't like myself and my life and I began drinking to 'get through' a particularly tough time. I liked 'not being there' and not caring. But, it quickly took over my life and I felt worse and worse. I had been depressed for years before that, and eventually found the right med for me. After that, I was able to stop drinking and move forward. If you haven't found the right med or dosage, don't give up. Keep trying to talk to your dr.
We'll be here if you decide you want to stop.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR kitty, there is a solution for what is going on with you right now, it appears as though you know you have a problem, the problem is a liquid depressant called alcohol. All of the rest of the stuff you are doing is a result of the liquid depressant called alcohol.
As long as you drink the liquid depressant called alcohol none of the anti-depressants are going to work, how can they?
I know what the solution was to my 40 year drinking career, but the only way my solution or any other solution was going to work is if I wanted to stop drinking.
I hate saying this, but if you do not want to stop drinking then maybe you need to keep on drinking until you decide you want to stop.
We will be here with open arms to help you stop, there are solutions to your problem, but until you have had your arse kicked bad enough by alcohol like I did they will not work until you are ready to take the steps to quit.
Remember that you are not alone with your problem, there are millions out in the world with the same problem, and many people who once they decided they wanted to quit throwing up and start growing up found a solution.
As long as you drink the liquid depressant called alcohol none of the anti-depressants are going to work, how can they?
I know what the solution was to my 40 year drinking career, but the only way my solution or any other solution was going to work is if I wanted to stop drinking.
I hate saying this, but if you do not want to stop drinking then maybe you need to keep on drinking until you decide you want to stop.
We will be here with open arms to help you stop, there are solutions to your problem, but until you have had your arse kicked bad enough by alcohol like I did they will not work until you are ready to take the steps to quit.
Remember that you are not alone with your problem, there are millions out in the world with the same problem, and many people who once they decided they wanted to quit throwing up and start growing up found a solution.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Welcome to SR,
We are glad you are here. Keep posting...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...1&d=1178119387
We are glad you are here. Keep posting...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...1&d=1178119387
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Welcome to SR. I posted a similar thread over 5 years ago I guess. I stumbled across this place one day, read for awhile, and decided to post. Over 1000 posts later, still here.
This is a great place for advice, resources, support and friendship. However, you are the only one who can put an end to your problems. I too have major issues with pot and to a lesser degree alcohol. They continue to be a problem for me, today is day 2 clean and sober. Do I feel great? No, not really, but I know at least if I stay with this that the future will improve for me. Does that mean life will be perfect and great and I'll be happy all the time?? Doubtful, I've yet to meet anyone who really fills that description anyway!!
As far as the depression issues go. I too have taken all the anti-depressants you mentioned and more. The problem with them working seems to be that I also wanted to "self-medicate" at the same time. No doctor can find the right perscription if we keep messing with our own minds chemically.
I can't really give you a lot of personal experience on long term sobriety, as it is something I've never been able to achieve, but there are many here who have, and by many different ways. Some use 12-step programs, other's use religion, some use secular programs, a few just gut it out on their own, and I'd say most use some combination of all of the above.
Best of luck to you. You've made a great first step, and don't forget, once you've joined, you are a member forever. I've dropped off the face of the planet (or at least this site) for months or even a year at a time, only to be welcomed back with open arms, despite all of my shortcommings and failures. This is a great place to start. Take care.
This is a great place for advice, resources, support and friendship. However, you are the only one who can put an end to your problems. I too have major issues with pot and to a lesser degree alcohol. They continue to be a problem for me, today is day 2 clean and sober. Do I feel great? No, not really, but I know at least if I stay with this that the future will improve for me. Does that mean life will be perfect and great and I'll be happy all the time?? Doubtful, I've yet to meet anyone who really fills that description anyway!!
As far as the depression issues go. I too have taken all the anti-depressants you mentioned and more. The problem with them working seems to be that I also wanted to "self-medicate" at the same time. No doctor can find the right perscription if we keep messing with our own minds chemically.
I can't really give you a lot of personal experience on long term sobriety, as it is something I've never been able to achieve, but there are many here who have, and by many different ways. Some use 12-step programs, other's use religion, some use secular programs, a few just gut it out on their own, and I'd say most use some combination of all of the above.
Best of luck to you. You've made a great first step, and don't forget, once you've joined, you are a member forever. I've dropped off the face of the planet (or at least this site) for months or even a year at a time, only to be welcomed back with open arms, despite all of my shortcommings and failures. This is a great place to start. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hi
Hi,
Most churches have drop in Mothers Day Out programs that cost little or nothing. There is a reason for the depression. Meds are good when used w/ counseling, taken by themself they only help for a while. Take CARE of yourself.
You're in my prayers
caileesnana
Most churches have drop in Mothers Day Out programs that cost little or nothing. There is a reason for the depression. Meds are good when used w/ counseling, taken by themself they only help for a while. Take CARE of yourself.
You're in my prayers
caileesnana
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
He Kittie.
Welcome to SR.
Let me start by saying i am very sorry to hear about your losses. I have been using for a long long time. Alcohol for 30 years zanax for 10 and crack became a serious problem after the death of my father.
I started to get very teary eyed when I read your thread because I really relate to your situation and truly feel your pain.
I think the same thing you do about life and death. I would never take my own life, but the thought of dying doesnt bother me. Lots of time I feel like it would be relief.
I miss my dad and I know you miss your friends so we keep ourselves comfortably numb.
you are never going to forget what happened, but you cant let it destroy you. Im not saying what happened to me will happen to you, but it can. I got so busy trying to numb myself and forget I let my entire life go down the tubes. I lost eveything, my apartment, my job, friends, my car I sold everything I owned to get high and was homeless for a period of time.
I had no choice but to stop because my body couldnt handle the drugs and alcohol anymore.
I know you think you dont want to stop, but some part of you does or you wouldnt have reached out for help here on SR.
Like i said you will probably never forget what happened to your freinds, but you are still here and I am sure that your friends wouldnt want you to be unhappy and destructive.
It feels a hell of alot better to get high and forget, but it is only temporary and the pain never really goes away it is just masked by the alcohol.
It will take time, but you need to allow yourself to try and heal. The longer you hold on to the pain the deeper it goes inside you and the harder it is to let go.
By trying to escape all the time all I was really doing was wasting my life away.
Dont waste yours.
It takes a little work, but it will be worth it in the end.
Try to get some one to talk to about your loss I think you will find that it will be painful to talk about, but talking about how you feel kinda releases some of the grief you have inside.
I wish you the best
I hope you keep posting.
Bfree
Welcome to SR.
Let me start by saying i am very sorry to hear about your losses. I have been using for a long long time. Alcohol for 30 years zanax for 10 and crack became a serious problem after the death of my father.
I started to get very teary eyed when I read your thread because I really relate to your situation and truly feel your pain.
I think the same thing you do about life and death. I would never take my own life, but the thought of dying doesnt bother me. Lots of time I feel like it would be relief.
I miss my dad and I know you miss your friends so we keep ourselves comfortably numb.
you are never going to forget what happened, but you cant let it destroy you. Im not saying what happened to me will happen to you, but it can. I got so busy trying to numb myself and forget I let my entire life go down the tubes. I lost eveything, my apartment, my job, friends, my car I sold everything I owned to get high and was homeless for a period of time.
I had no choice but to stop because my body couldnt handle the drugs and alcohol anymore.
I know you think you dont want to stop, but some part of you does or you wouldnt have reached out for help here on SR.
Like i said you will probably never forget what happened to your freinds, but you are still here and I am sure that your friends wouldnt want you to be unhappy and destructive.
It feels a hell of alot better to get high and forget, but it is only temporary and the pain never really goes away it is just masked by the alcohol.
It will take time, but you need to allow yourself to try and heal. The longer you hold on to the pain the deeper it goes inside you and the harder it is to let go.
By trying to escape all the time all I was really doing was wasting my life away.
Dont waste yours.
It takes a little work, but it will be worth it in the end.
Try to get some one to talk to about your loss I think you will find that it will be painful to talk about, but talking about how you feel kinda releases some of the grief you have inside.
I wish you the best
I hope you keep posting.
Bfree
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 294
Hi, kittie! Welcome=) I'm 23, too. It's always good to meet someone else my age on SR. How are you doing? It's OK if you aren't positive you have a problem or want to stop. We're all here for you regardless. I can understand what it like to try lots of different anti-depressants with out results, I've tried all the ones you've listed and some others without any luck. I've found that not drinking is the best anti-depressant for me. Also, lots of parents bring their kids to meetings. So, you might want to try going to one. Keep us updated on how you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Welcome to SR Kittie -
As others have said, there are meetings that have day care or meetings that will allow children. Today is day 28 for me - I never thought that I would get here!! I did it by just putting down the bottle, listening to people with lots of sobriety, asking for and accepting help, and following directions. I go to meetings every day, weather I feel like it or not.
You are in the right place and asking the right questions. Keep reading and posting -
TinLizzy
As others have said, there are meetings that have day care or meetings that will allow children. Today is day 28 for me - I never thought that I would get here!! I did it by just putting down the bottle, listening to people with lots of sobriety, asking for and accepting help, and following directions. I go to meetings every day, weather I feel like it or not.
You are in the right place and asking the right questions. Keep reading and posting -
TinLizzy
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