ayla zaire

ayla zaire

my mama......

indigo

May you soon find peace and remember the good things about your mother's.

much love and light
indigo

Rusty Zipper

ayla, you have some friend, that friend named scoot'n...

ayla, flutter... thanks for being real...


all the best of wishes...

xxoo and blessings... patrick

ayla zaire

thanks, rz...

scoot, just wanted to say, you are an amazing friend........you are kind and wise, and so caring........i'm glad you have confided things in me that no one else knows.....i'm glad that even though i have never heard your voice i consider you such a very close friend.......

when i relapsed, you were the one person i was most afraid of disapointing.....and you were dissapointed in me, and weren't afraid to say it, which to me, makes you an even better friend....honesty means everything to me......

you gave me what i needed to get through the days that i thought i would not make it...you and ruby and ig and rz and my beezy and everyone else, there are just too many to mention......my post would end up as long as the first one....lol....for the first time i have real, honest friendships.....we are not afraid to tell each other our most shameful secrets, we share our daily struggles, our victories...and just everyday life........it's priceless...just priceless.....

my girls and i were in my living room yesterday and michelle said 'what is that smell' and i didn't notice anything......but then my mother's perfume just filled the room.......i had goosebumps on my goosebumps.....it was as if someone had sprayed it all over, it was not subtle at all.......and i know she was here......my aunt, my friend and i were crying and laughing.....and of course i said......hi, mama........

lexirott

Ayla, Flutter-thanks to both of you for sharing your stories, I really don't know what else to say except Thank You.

RubyT

Ayla, I wish I were there to give you a hug!

Cindi R

Tears running down my face as well as I read this...because it also hits me where "I have lived" my whole life.....
my mom's always been sick, very sick, suicidal and needed me to take care of her...until the last few years when I got sober.
My dad's the drunk who's still drinking.
I've lived and learned a lot of the Alanon principals in my recovery since getting clean & sober, in dealing with my partner and now my EXAH...
Most recently I've discovered that one of my children have been indulging in the practice as well...
so as much as I want to throw in the towel...I know that I can't, I've got to stay clean.........
And even that pisses me off!
I want to use it as an excuse to get high, dammit!
or have a nervous breakdown, as my mom used to do...but I can't afford to do that either...
I just want to scream...bang my head against the wall, cry my eyes out or sumpthin' but I know that I've got to keep it together....
I hate being the responsible one.....

scootinbabe

ok. now you got me. (she says with tears in her eyes.)

********{AYLA}}}}}


and rusty, we all love you too!

teej

Ayla!! That has happened to me a few times right here in my computer room! Cool isn't it! My sister inlaw's perfume. I sat with her when she took her last breath, and her death was really hard on me (and of course my brother) because my alcoholic behavior made for lots of trouble for me & her. She even went to alanon to try to understand my stupidity. She was a great little woman.

Missymae737

TJ, and Ayla Zaire,

I am a , or should I say before disability, a Hospice Nurse.

What you have said is another topic for conversation... I have witnessed many times, the death of a loved one... Yes, we all go on, and we visit those we have loved...

And TJ,
Your sister in law didn't think of you as stupid, and she will continue to visit you...

Ayla Zaire,
Your mom will continue to visit you... I love the picture you posted of her...Beautiful woman...

scootinbabe

cindi r--i must have missed your post earlier (must not have refreshed). anyhow, i hear your anger and frustration. are you getting any help just for you (therapy, support group, good friends, healthy family?) take care of yourself first, it's really important.

missymae--what a lovely post. what an awesome job--you must be an amazing woman.

that is something i really wish i'd get--a visit, a feeling, a smell, an anything fom my mom. i never have and really really believed i would. she was my best friend. i lost her when i was halfway through my first pregnancy. always--and still--think that one day....

ayla zaire

when i wrote this, i just wanted someone to hear, you know? i needed to tell, some of it...the best and worst of it....well, i have to tell you, the worst of it is so bad, it's still locked inside....maybe forever.......

the day my mom died, my girlfriend cynthia picked me up and took me for a drive......which we love to do....and i spilled it....in this zombie monotone voice....i told everything.........she was the only one..........i think maybe speaking it all, from begining to end once was enough.........

i didn't know this thread would provoke such powerful responses.......and although it in one way makes me so sad that i'm not the only one who knows......who has seen and lived through this......it is also a great comfort to me....thank you, all, for making me feel that i'm not alone.........

ayla zaire

"the other thing that i have learned is that people really do learn from your example. you personally may not know the reason why you have to suffer the way you do--you know, the "why is God doing this to me?" question--but it may not be so that you learn from it, it may be that others do." ~scoot

WOW scoot.....i just reread this whole thread, of course, crying all the way......and your words just jumped off the page at me.....wow.....i've always believed that each new challenge in life is a lesson to be learned....but there have been times in my life where i have thrown my hands up and said....i'm strong enough! i don't want to learn like this anymore......i don't want to see the lessons.........i don't need anymore pain to know what i need to know......

i have never thought of it the way you put it....and all i can say is that it is a profound lesson for me tonight......thank you....

nogard

((((((Ayla))))))

Our HP's are loving HP's not judgemental or ... just loving.

Kevin

ayla zaire

(((kev))) love you, my friend...


i was searching for good songs tonight...and i guess this is a night for tears for me.....because it's as if someone wrote this song to describe exactly how i felt when mama was sick, and exactly what some of you are feeling right now......

BONNIE RAITT lyrics - "I Don't Want Anything To Change"


(Maia Sharp/Liz Rose/Stephanie Chapman)

Sleepless nights aren't so bad
I'm staying up, I'm staying sad
I don't want anything to change
I don't want anything to change
I like it lonely I like it strange
I don't want anything to change

You left a mess you're everywhere
I'd pick it up but I don't dare
I don't want anything to change
I don't want anything to change
There's nothing I would rearrange
I don't want anything to change

I can feel you fading
But until you're gone
I'm taking all the time I can borrow
The getting over is waiting
But I won't move on
And I'm gonna wanna feel the same tomorrow

I know the truth is right outside
But for the moment it's best denied
I don't want anything to change

I can feel you fading
But until you're gone
I'm taking all the time I can borrow
The getting over is waiting
But I won't move on
And I'm gonna wanna feel the same tomorrow

And I don't want anything to do
With what comes after you
I don't want anything to change
I don't want anything to change
I don't want anything to change

ayla zaire

greatful for you all today......i reread this and i feel better.......

ayla zaire

JAMES BLUNT LYRICS

"Cry"

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.
Cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Doug

Good thread, great messages. Thanks for getting so "open" everybody. Good for the readers, good for the writers.

ayla zaire

cindy....it is so hard, what you are going through.....my mom was sick for a long time, too......she had 2 congestive heart failures in her 40's and her blood pressure was terrible, her kidneys were failing.....and she was an incredibly sad woman.......and an alcoholic.....be strong, and pm me, ok? i woudl love to talk to you about it, it might help to talk to someone who has been there....

tj....that is so cool that you smell her perfume.......that was such an amazing experience for me....

scoot.......maybe you're not seeing the signs.......what i did is said aloud and in prayer the specific thing i wanted as a sign......for my mom, you know it is seeing 1111 and it is also hearing or seing the phrase 'close your eyes'.....that phrase is in both the poem i read at her memorial service, and in the song i was listening to when she died........plus, when she passed, i closed her eyes.....it was my last loving physical act i did for her......
missy i think it's awesome that you are a hospice nurse.....i only had hospice involved in the last few days.....but they were amazing........so incredible kind and supportive.........they saved me those last days and when she was gone.........i still speak to them, and hospice provided grief counselling for me and grief camp for my son.....i can't say enough good things about it.....
((((lexi))))) and (((((ruby))))) and ((((scoot)))) and ((((rz)))) and ((((flutter)))) and ((((indigo)))) and ((((wisgirl)))) and ((((doug))))and((((carol)))) and anyone i missed.........big hugs to you all and thanks for responding so openly to this thread.........