Second AA meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Second AA meeting
Hi SR family,
I am dreading the forum going down again. I will miss you.
I enjoyed tonight's meeting. The chairman was different. I knew someone - someone who is nice. There was a young person too so I didn't feel so out of place. I felt welcome and when I shared, I didn't make a complete dick of myself and I felt a lot of encouragement.
I came home with heaps of homework and I feel like I am really doing something to help myself and care for myself for the first time in ages. Not because I should but because I want to.
I am still very edgy and I am having a few trying times coping with my son (autistic) right now. But I am feeling more peaceful tonight - must have been the snooze on the newbie bus. Where's the food - always famished when I wake up after a snooze. Maybe some of Ayla's cake will do the trick. hehe. By the way Ayla, I bought a cake at the shops today to celebrate the big 100
Funny - when I shared, I didn't once mention my ex. who moved out last week. A month ago, it would have been all I could talk about. Seeing all his drinking anger and bitterness with sober eyes is a real fast relationship healer. The girls he chases are welcome to him I say.
O and something occurred to me about lonliness. The first post I ever wrote here was how lonely it is to quit drinking. Now I think that it was the drinking that made me lonely and detatched from the world. Whatever small connections I make at the moment are so much more real than the lonely mateship of drinking. I am connecting with my children as well. I have no one with me but I feel less lonely. Wierd.
I will try to get some sleep soon cos I need it badly.
Goodnight all. Talk tomorrow.
xxx
Dubs
I am dreading the forum going down again. I will miss you.
I enjoyed tonight's meeting. The chairman was different. I knew someone - someone who is nice. There was a young person too so I didn't feel so out of place. I felt welcome and when I shared, I didn't make a complete dick of myself and I felt a lot of encouragement.
I came home with heaps of homework and I feel like I am really doing something to help myself and care for myself for the first time in ages. Not because I should but because I want to.
I am still very edgy and I am having a few trying times coping with my son (autistic) right now. But I am feeling more peaceful tonight - must have been the snooze on the newbie bus. Where's the food - always famished when I wake up after a snooze. Maybe some of Ayla's cake will do the trick. hehe. By the way Ayla, I bought a cake at the shops today to celebrate the big 100
Funny - when I shared, I didn't once mention my ex. who moved out last week. A month ago, it would have been all I could talk about. Seeing all his drinking anger and bitterness with sober eyes is a real fast relationship healer. The girls he chases are welcome to him I say.
O and something occurred to me about lonliness. The first post I ever wrote here was how lonely it is to quit drinking. Now I think that it was the drinking that made me lonely and detatched from the world. Whatever small connections I make at the moment are so much more real than the lonely mateship of drinking. I am connecting with my children as well. I have no one with me but I feel less lonely. Wierd.
I will try to get some sleep soon cos I need it badly.
Goodnight all. Talk tomorrow.
xxx
Dubs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
The first post I ever wrote here was how lonely it is to quit drinking. Now I think that it was the drinking that made me lonely and detatched from the world.
I'm with you. I think, more and more as I look back, that my alcoholism was a prison in which I kept myself. I think of that as my "disease". And I never knew, until I got out!
Have a good rest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by dubsnz1964 
Hi SR family,
Whatever small connections I make at the moment are so much more real than the lonely mateship of drinking. I am connecting with my children as well. I have no one with me but I feel less lonely. Wierd.
Dubs
Whatever small connections I make at the moment are so much more real than the lonely mateship of drinking. I am connecting with my children as well. I have no one with me but I feel less lonely. Wierd.
Dubs
And it is all going to get easier and better as time goes by.
Have you thought of trying meditation or relaxation techniques? I find it a real help with the edgyness. You could even go for a massage or something, that is something I would like to try myself.
I am glad to hear that the AA meeting went well too.
Speak to you soon,
Paul.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Oh, it's amazing how a little perspective changes our thinking. I always tended to blame other things for my loneliness, emptiness. I'd blame my husband, children, friends, job, anything really. It was so empowering to finally realize that the thinking and the power was with me. I could change that!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
dubz,
You continue to be a miracle here. By simply following the suggestions you've read here, you're making so much progress. There's even a big difference in you between yesterday and today. I believe that by encouraging others here at SR, you've followed the path that your Higher Power has laid out for you. Not that I would pretend to know what your HP has in store for you! I simply mean that you are doing exactly what the suggestions of AA ask you to do. If you keep doing what's in front of you to do and put one foot in front of the other, your heart will guide you to do the next right thing.
Sleep tight,
Ed
You continue to be a miracle here. By simply following the suggestions you've read here, you're making so much progress. There's even a big difference in you between yesterday and today. I believe that by encouraging others here at SR, you've followed the path that your Higher Power has laid out for you. Not that I would pretend to know what your HP has in store for you! I simply mean that you are doing exactly what the suggestions of AA ask you to do. If you keep doing what's in front of you to do and put one foot in front of the other, your heart will guide you to do the next right thing.
Sleep tight,
Ed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Ed,
I am not the miracle. I agree there is one happening though and I hope I can continue to let it happen without struggling against it. I have always struggled and fought and defended ever since I was little. At three I jumped the fence to beat up the kid next door who was mean to my sister (she was 6). The losing control just seems to be happening and I am so so so grateful. I have had so much burden for so long and I always wanted it to be lifted and I could never find a way out.
I am having a hard time trusting that it will last. Good things usually get whipped away. You guys are helping like you will never know. You have all given me a new life.
Time to hit the shower and get the kids off to school. Back later.
xx
I am not the miracle. I agree there is one happening though and I hope I can continue to let it happen without struggling against it. I have always struggled and fought and defended ever since I was little. At three I jumped the fence to beat up the kid next door who was mean to my sister (she was 6). The losing control just seems to be happening and I am so so so grateful. I have had so much burden for so long and I always wanted it to be lifted and I could never find a way out.
I am having a hard time trusting that it will last. Good things usually get whipped away. You guys are helping like you will never know. You have all given me a new life.
Time to hit the shower and get the kids off to school. Back later.
xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by dubsnz1964
Hi Ed,
I am not the miracle. I agree there is one happening though and I hope I can continue to let it happen without struggling against it. I have always struggled and fought and defended ever since I was little. At three I jumped the fence to beat up the kid next door who was mean to my sister (she was 6). The losing control just seems to be happening and I am so so so grateful. I have had so much burden for so long and I always wanted it to be lifted and I could never find a way out.
I am having a hard time trusting that it will last. Good things usually get whipped away. You guys are helping like you will never know. You have all given me a new life.
Time to hit the shower and get the kids off to school. Back later.
xx
I am not the miracle. I agree there is one happening though and I hope I can continue to let it happen without struggling against it. I have always struggled and fought and defended ever since I was little. At three I jumped the fence to beat up the kid next door who was mean to my sister (she was 6). The losing control just seems to be happening and I am so so so grateful. I have had so much burden for so long and I always wanted it to be lifted and I could never find a way out.
I am having a hard time trusting that it will last. Good things usually get whipped away. You guys are helping like you will never know. You have all given me a new life.
Time to hit the shower and get the kids off to school. Back later.
xx
dubz,
If you continue doing what you're doing today, your trust will grow. Oh...you'll have days when you think it couldn't possibly get any better and you'll have days when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse. But you know that's just life. The key is accepting that those days are going to come. Knowing that the good times can get better and the bad times will go away after a while, now that's the way to live life.
Someone's got His hand on your shoulder. Do you feel Him yet?
xxoo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
march on dubs'y...
... dubs... STOP!... think positive thoughts... here in lies where that faith, belief and trust comes in...
a power, some power.. greater then addiction if you will...
this afliction called ism, not wasm, keeps trying to tell us we cant do it... we need to use to handlel life...
dubs our friend.. not so... re-read eds post... that man has some good awareness of recovery.. at least... i relate to him big time.. when he writes.. i feel like he's in my head... now ed..., dont get a swell head... and brother, i believe you wont...
dubs, we all get our lumps, bumps and brusises along the way...
your behavour when you hop'd the fence... thats what the rat of addiction wanted you to do... would you stil do it now... dont think so...
your growing...
keep on forgeing ahead...
much love out to you dubs'y...
xxoo, bless... rz
I am having a hard time trusting that it will last. Good things usually get whipped away.
a power, some power.. greater then addiction if you will...
this afliction called ism, not wasm, keeps trying to tell us we cant do it... we need to use to handlel life...
dubs our friend.. not so... re-read eds post... that man has some good awareness of recovery.. at least... i relate to him big time.. when he writes.. i feel like he's in my head... now ed..., dont get a swell head... and brother, i believe you wont...
dubs, we all get our lumps, bumps and brusises along the way...
your behavour when you hop'd the fence... thats what the rat of addiction wanted you to do... would you stil do it now... dont think so...
your growing...
keep on forgeing ahead...
much love out to you dubs'y...
xxoo, bless... rz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi guys, This is a bit long and deep and I apologise in advance.
I won't beat myself up about being feisty in the past. It was useful sometimes. Some people can't handle hearing this sort of thing and may not want to have anything to do with me anymore but my marriage ended because it turned out that my father in law was a paedophile. He abused my baby girl when she was only five. I am pleased I took him on and gave him a fight. Came home a couple of hours after giving birth, blew smoke in his nasty face and told him to get out of my house. I lost my marriage and it took a huge toll but I would do the same again. Then there was the autism diagnosis for my son. I fought that too. Went to war with it and now my son is much better and is diagnosed as mildly aspergers.
Going to war and fighting is ok in my book. God gave me strength when I needed it. He made me how I am. I just never saw that I could let him share some of the burden.
I see him Ed. I couldn't see him before but I see him now.
I prayed this morning. First time not in church and not because it was expected of me. I didn't know what or who I was praying to at first. I study quantum physics as a hobby. I came to believe there was an intelligence after years of study. However, I couldn't reconcile the scientific "Field of Intelligence" with the "God" that sent me the mouse. As I was praying, a voice inside my head said - well - if I am intelligent, why can't I be loving as well?
Now from the sublime to the ridiculous. Just found porn on exes machine at work. This is how he spends his evenings now. The serenity prayer and a few minutes away from the office helped but it hurts. Here I am - human and (if I may say so) - not bad to look at. The rejection is hard to handle. The first line of the serenity prayer is doing the rounds in my head right now. Maybe a million times will do the trick. Hehe.
I was so frustrated last night at how I just keep forgetting everything. I forget where I put my lists to remember to do thing. Listening to a song this morning on the way to work. One of the lines was "When you are on a golden sea, you don't need a memory". Cool huh?
I won't beat myself up about being feisty in the past. It was useful sometimes. Some people can't handle hearing this sort of thing and may not want to have anything to do with me anymore but my marriage ended because it turned out that my father in law was a paedophile. He abused my baby girl when she was only five. I am pleased I took him on and gave him a fight. Came home a couple of hours after giving birth, blew smoke in his nasty face and told him to get out of my house. I lost my marriage and it took a huge toll but I would do the same again. Then there was the autism diagnosis for my son. I fought that too. Went to war with it and now my son is much better and is diagnosed as mildly aspergers.
Going to war and fighting is ok in my book. God gave me strength when I needed it. He made me how I am. I just never saw that I could let him share some of the burden.
I see him Ed. I couldn't see him before but I see him now.
I prayed this morning. First time not in church and not because it was expected of me. I didn't know what or who I was praying to at first. I study quantum physics as a hobby. I came to believe there was an intelligence after years of study. However, I couldn't reconcile the scientific "Field of Intelligence" with the "God" that sent me the mouse. As I was praying, a voice inside my head said - well - if I am intelligent, why can't I be loving as well?
Now from the sublime to the ridiculous. Just found porn on exes machine at work. This is how he spends his evenings now. The serenity prayer and a few minutes away from the office helped but it hurts. Here I am - human and (if I may say so) - not bad to look at. The rejection is hard to handle. The first line of the serenity prayer is doing the rounds in my head right now. Maybe a million times will do the trick. Hehe.
I was so frustrated last night at how I just keep forgetting everything. I forget where I put my lists to remember to do thing. Listening to a song this morning on the way to work. One of the lines was "When you are on a golden sea, you don't need a memory". Cool huh?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by dubsnz1964
Hi guys, This is a bit long and deep and I apologise in advance.
I won't beat myself up about being feisty in the past. It was useful sometimes. Some people can't handle hearing this sort of thing and may not want to have anything to do with me anymore but my marriage ended because it turned out that my father in law was a paedophile. He abused my baby girl when she was only five. I am pleased I took him on and gave him a fight. Came home a couple of hours after giving birth, blew smoke in his nasty face and told him to get out of my house. I lost my marriage and it took a huge toll but I would do the same again. Then there was the autism diagnosis for my son. I fought that too. Went to war with it and now my son is much better and is diagnosed as mildly aspergers.
Going to war and fighting is ok in my book. God gave me strength when I needed it. He made me how I am. I just never saw that I could let him share some of the burden.
I see him Ed. I couldn't see him before but I see him now.
I prayed this morning. First time not in church and not because it was expected of me. I didn't know what or who I was praying to at first. I study quantum physics as a hobby. I came to believe there was an intelligence after years of study. However, I couldn't reconcile the scientific "Field of Intelligence" with the "God" that sent me the mouse. As I was praying, a voice inside my head said - well - if I am intelligent, why can't I be loving as well?
Now from the sublime to the ridiculous. Just found porn on exes machine at work. This is how he spends his evenings now. The serenity prayer and a few minutes away from the office helped but it hurts. Here I am - human and (if I may say so) - not bad to look at. The rejection is hard to handle. The first line of the serenity prayer is doing the rounds in my head right now. Maybe a million times will do the trick. Hehe.
I was so frustrated last night at how I just keep forgetting everything. I forget where I put my lists to remember to do thing. Listening to a song this morning on the way to work. One of the lines was "When you are on a golden sea, you don't need a memory". Cool huh?
I won't beat myself up about being feisty in the past. It was useful sometimes. Some people can't handle hearing this sort of thing and may not want to have anything to do with me anymore but my marriage ended because it turned out that my father in law was a paedophile. He abused my baby girl when she was only five. I am pleased I took him on and gave him a fight. Came home a couple of hours after giving birth, blew smoke in his nasty face and told him to get out of my house. I lost my marriage and it took a huge toll but I would do the same again. Then there was the autism diagnosis for my son. I fought that too. Went to war with it and now my son is much better and is diagnosed as mildly aspergers.
Going to war and fighting is ok in my book. God gave me strength when I needed it. He made me how I am. I just never saw that I could let him share some of the burden.
I see him Ed. I couldn't see him before but I see him now.
I prayed this morning. First time not in church and not because it was expected of me. I didn't know what or who I was praying to at first. I study quantum physics as a hobby. I came to believe there was an intelligence after years of study. However, I couldn't reconcile the scientific "Field of Intelligence" with the "God" that sent me the mouse. As I was praying, a voice inside my head said - well - if I am intelligent, why can't I be loving as well?
Now from the sublime to the ridiculous. Just found porn on exes machine at work. This is how he spends his evenings now. The serenity prayer and a few minutes away from the office helped but it hurts. Here I am - human and (if I may say so) - not bad to look at. The rejection is hard to handle. The first line of the serenity prayer is doing the rounds in my head right now. Maybe a million times will do the trick. Hehe.
I was so frustrated last night at how I just keep forgetting everything. I forget where I put my lists to remember to do thing. Listening to a song this morning on the way to work. One of the lines was "When you are on a golden sea, you don't need a memory". Cool huh?
Dubz,
You continue to amaze me. Regarding "God" , if you have the Big Book of AA handy, go the to "Chapter to the Agnostics". There you will find an entire chapter devoted to what you said about science, intelligence, and God. I know you'll find it helpful.
Your strength and desire to change are just more evidense that God is with you.
On the ridiculous side, I've only seen you from the inside, that's all that really matters. However, I'll bet you do turn some heads. Don't worry about the rejection from the ex. Based on what I know about you, he's the loser. We here at SR are the winners because you've chosen us to be friends with. Hey, I know we can't supply the in-person hugs you want, but those will come when God knows you're ready. In the meantime, keep that Serenity Prayer close to your heart and keep God even closer. He's got big arms to hold you with and He'll never let you go if you don't want Him to.
xxoo
Ed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
You amaze me too Ed. You are so kind and strong and you are helping me more than you know.
I know I am on a good path at the moment and I have you, the SR family and God with me.
Non-skin big arms for hugs sober (real love) is way better than skin hugs drunk (lonely).
I know I am on a good path at the moment and I have you, the SR family and God with me.
Non-skin big arms for hugs sober (real love) is way better than skin hugs drunk (lonely).
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi dubs, you have grown in strength and spirit so much since you
came here...it is amazing...it feels good doesn't it...so good that
the bad times seem to fade alittle more...and balance is
being restored...
You go dubs/.
P.S. I am a TA of special education students, for 9 years...
If you ever wan't to pm me feel free....
hope3
came here...it is amazing...it feels good doesn't it...so good that
the bad times seem to fade alittle more...and balance is
being restored...
You go dubs/.
P.S. I am a TA of special education students, for 9 years...
If you ever wan't to pm me feel free....
hope3
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