A lengthy hello...and thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 3
A lengthy hello...and thank you.
I've been lurking unregistered for a little while here, and finally decided to register. I'm really glad I found this site - the support is amazing and simply bearing witness to all the positivity has helped me immensely.
I came to the realization just a week ago, that I was finally ready to kick the modest cocaine habit I'd developed over the past, oh, three years or so. After moving to New York City, I immersed myself in the nightlife here. I had no idea how rampant the alcoholism and substance abuse was, nor did I care. I was completely swept up in all the glitz and glamor. I made a LOT of friends. Almost everyone had blow and was willing to share. Not to mention, the ecstacy here and there, ketamine...All set to the grand flourish of pulsing lights and seductive basslines. For a while, it was amazing.
I never did so much of any substance as to lose total control or black out, but I did have nights that would last well into the morning and into the middle of the day. I kept it relatively under control during the week, but not after a couple of lessons of having to go to work straight from whomever's apartment. Since then, some friendships and loves have come and gone. I've finally begun to see the scene for what it really is, a lot of 20- and some 30-somethings with no real direction looking for escape at any cost - with a scant few there who really love to dance and go to clubs and remain sober.
I started grad school recently, which has further put things into perspective for me. I've noticed with certainty how the drug abuse has affected my cognition and maintenance of attention (specifically, lack thereof). In addition, I met someone wonderful, with whom I get along with amazingly well on some levels. Problem is, he uses cocaine in remarkably high amounts. Granted we first met under those pretexts, but have spent just enough sober time together for me to really fall for him - it was this relationship, and seeing what he has done to himself after years of abuse, that inspired my sobriety.
Although he has said that he wants to stop, and knows the lifestyle is toxic to him, I don't expect him to sober up anytime soon. Being sober so far has allowed me to see some pretty disturbing parts of his personality when he drinks and blows line after line, and I'm left wondering how best to love him - without enabling him or supporting his destructive behavior. As much as it is already breaking my heart, I am preparing for the notion that I may lose him.
This confluence of events, going back to school... witnessing his abuse...coming to terms with my substance abuse... has really been helpful in keeping me on track. But I have to say, watching him hurt himself time after time is heartbreaking. I come here for moral support. I think I may try out Family-NA as well. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, they have helped me keep the proper context with all these struggles.
I came to the realization just a week ago, that I was finally ready to kick the modest cocaine habit I'd developed over the past, oh, three years or so. After moving to New York City, I immersed myself in the nightlife here. I had no idea how rampant the alcoholism and substance abuse was, nor did I care. I was completely swept up in all the glitz and glamor. I made a LOT of friends. Almost everyone had blow and was willing to share. Not to mention, the ecstacy here and there, ketamine...All set to the grand flourish of pulsing lights and seductive basslines. For a while, it was amazing.
I never did so much of any substance as to lose total control or black out, but I did have nights that would last well into the morning and into the middle of the day. I kept it relatively under control during the week, but not after a couple of lessons of having to go to work straight from whomever's apartment. Since then, some friendships and loves have come and gone. I've finally begun to see the scene for what it really is, a lot of 20- and some 30-somethings with no real direction looking for escape at any cost - with a scant few there who really love to dance and go to clubs and remain sober.
I started grad school recently, which has further put things into perspective for me. I've noticed with certainty how the drug abuse has affected my cognition and maintenance of attention (specifically, lack thereof). In addition, I met someone wonderful, with whom I get along with amazingly well on some levels. Problem is, he uses cocaine in remarkably high amounts. Granted we first met under those pretexts, but have spent just enough sober time together for me to really fall for him - it was this relationship, and seeing what he has done to himself after years of abuse, that inspired my sobriety.
Although he has said that he wants to stop, and knows the lifestyle is toxic to him, I don't expect him to sober up anytime soon. Being sober so far has allowed me to see some pretty disturbing parts of his personality when he drinks and blows line after line, and I'm left wondering how best to love him - without enabling him or supporting his destructive behavior. As much as it is already breaking my heart, I am preparing for the notion that I may lose him.
This confluence of events, going back to school... witnessing his abuse...coming to terms with my substance abuse... has really been helpful in keeping me on track. But I have to say, watching him hurt himself time after time is heartbreaking. I come here for moral support. I think I may try out Family-NA as well. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, they have helped me keep the proper context with all these struggles.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
[QUOTE=hide_and_seek;1226742Although he has said that he wants to stop, and knows the lifestyle is toxic to him, I don't expect him to sober up anytime soon. Being sober so far has allowed me to see some pretty disturbing parts of his personality when he drinks and blows line after line, and I'm left wondering how best to love him - without enabling him or supporting his destructive behavior. As much as it is already breaking my heart, I am preparing for the notion that I may lose him. [/QUOTE]
Hello and a warm welcome to you!
Yes, it is hard when a loved one is using and painfully into addiction. I can relate to your heart breaking over this. I learned the hard way, you can't change anyone. The desire to change oneself, must come from within.
Keep the focus on you. You will be ok, and keep posting here. We are here for you!
Hello and a warm welcome to you!
Yes, it is hard when a loved one is using and painfully into addiction. I can relate to your heart breaking over this. I learned the hard way, you can't change anyone. The desire to change oneself, must come from within.
Keep the focus on you. You will be ok, and keep posting here. We are here for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi and Welcome,
I am glad that you are getting a good perspective on your own problem with substance abuse and that you are able to see your boyfriend's problems. Checking out the Friends and Families forums is a good idea and you might also want to check out the Substance Abuse forum for your own issues.
I am glad that you are getting a good perspective on your own problem with substance abuse and that you are able to see your boyfriend's problems. Checking out the Friends and Families forums is a good idea and you might also want to check out the Substance Abuse forum for your own issues.
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