topetah

hello all. first off ill tell you about myself. my name is jason im a divorced male 33 with a 3 year old son. i live in lawrence kansas but grew up in california. ok now the sad part. ive been dealing with addiction my whole life. since i was 14 i have been getting high and drinking. i went to rehab once and was able to sober up for 3 years. but soon after being sober i relised i want happy with my marrage. since the divorce i have been drinking and smoking pot almost daily. since i moved into my new place i refound cocain. crack is what i have been using. i just got off a two day drug fest and i am so discusted with myself. why do i always say this is the last party. this is my last time. i have been sober for 24 hours now and my uncle is coming over to take me to my first n/a meeting. i suffer from social anxitiy disorder. im very shy and its hard to meet new people or even go out. thats where the drugs play the biggest part in my life. when im high im like a differnt person. i can talk to anyone and what i thought made me a better person. i no longer want to live this way. i feel so empty inside ashamed and embarrassed at what ive been doing. im very lonely after the split with my x. i just wish i had some one to talk to and depend on. this is my first day of the rest of my life. im going to do this. i need to do this. for me and my son. i can go without drinking for weeks but once i start i over due it and do drugs. the only reason im still alive is my beautiful boy. im not going to run out on him. he will have a stable father who cares so much about him. i love him to death and i WILL NOT give up on us. i feel im a good person honest caring dependable but i am addicted to drugs. im here to meet new friends who share the same problems as me. im so scared of going to this meeting tonight. but im going to do this because i have no other choice. i want to stop and im ready. thank you for listening. jason

Anna

Hi Jason,

Welcome!

I am so glad you have decided to take care of yourself and to be a good father for your son. Of course you are a good person and you need to believe that. Addiction destroys us, but there is hope. You can do this. There are lots of great people here and you will find lots of support.

Missymae737

Hi Jason,

Welcome to SR. You will find lots of great information here and the support and caring here is great beyond words.

You can do this.

ayla zaire

welcome, jason......i'm glad you found SR......you will meet so many people who understand......

a lot of people are shy, there's no shame in it....a lot of people i know wouldn't believe it....but in my teens i was terribly shy......and now i'm anything but........you can overcome your shyness.....i did, and i never thought i would....i still get nervous in a room full of strangers.....that's normal.....

i'm glad you are ready to quit.....

i know you love your son, you sound like a wonderful father.....but keep in mind, while it's great to want to do this for him, you also need to want to do it for yourself.......so your life will be better........so you can be the man you want to be.......so you can work on the issues that are causing you to use in the first place.....and set an example to your son of what a good man is...(which i'm sure you are already doing)

good luck at your meeting...check in and let us know how it went...

hugs
ayla

Sunflower

You sound like a good man--at least you realise you have a problem and are acting on it asap--You fell---stand back up-brush yourself off and start again--you can do it....

bee62

Hi Jason
You brought the tears to my eyes. I hurt for you.
i am a 45 yo single Mother who lost her 6 yr old son to protective custody because I was drinking around my son on the weekends. He lives with his Dad and Stepmom until I can get sober. I have 48hrs going for me. Seek help, losing my son was almost like a death. I have been his primary caregiver since he was born. I can only have supervised visits on the weekend for now.

I have been to three AA meetings in two days and I fell stronger for it. Not for everyone, buts sure nice to have who don't judge but empower.
Keep posting here, these are great folks!
We are pulling for you!

Melissa

topetah

you replys really do mean a bunch. im starting to learn im not alone here. i just came back from my first meeting and i really do feel good about myself. because this was the hardest thing for me to do. i really am frightend of people judging me and for some reason when new people look at me i automaticlly think they can see right threw me and all they see is my failers in life. i know that sounds silly but its been this way for a long time. but i did it! and it wasnt as bad as i made it up to be in my head. now i know the next meeting wont be as bad as my first. i will continue to go to meetings and i know i will kick this. whats really sad is when i did get high it wasnt even fun. yet i continued to buy more dope. i woulda been better off burning up my money in the fire place. why why do we do this to areselfs. thats what im going to find out as i move on with my new life. i was shocked to see so many people there on a fri nite. im not alone and as hard as it is to stop im going to do it. i will do it for myself and my son. do you know whats funny. my dad ran out on us when i was 13 my mom worked 2 jobs to support us. he was hooked on cocain too. i really am no differnt than him. he sobered up and i will too. why did i make the same mistake as him? i told myself i would never treat my kids like that. well to some sort i was doing the same to my son. i havent been there like i should have. and that tears me up. i know my dad isnt the best dad but hes mine to love or hate its what i chose. and i dont hate him. i have spent too many years doing that and i know he had the same prob that i have now. one thing did stick in my mind tonight. the speaker said get busy living or get busy dieing. i choose to live.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

The past does not have to be your future.
Keep in focus
Keep posting