Cash7707

My son has been a straight A student all his life (9 years) and just recently started to show poor grades. He came to me tonight to tell me that his Dad, whom I have been divorced from for 7 years, "is stressing him out". After talking to him, I realized he was referring to the drinking problem that was the demise of our marriage. He is torn up about it and I have no idea what to do! I read everything that I could getmy hands on when we divorced to deal with the drinking, I can recite the blue book from memory, but I cant explain it to my Nine-year old!! I know that there is AL-ateen, but he is only 9. Are there groups for younger children? The reason I divorced was so that my son would not have to grow up with his father this way, but it still hurts him. I feel like I failed my son!

He told me about his Dad taking him to the bar with him when he has his visitation weekends, also about his "sleepwalking" when they get home. The Dad had fallen asleep while smoking and my son has had to take the cigarette away from him. He has even had to grab the steering wheel of his vehicle. His drinking has become a danger to my son. Limiting the visitation would be the smart thign to do, but I am afraid of coming in between my son and his father.

I believe the first thing I should do is see what kind of counseling my son needs, and I am wondering if I should confront his Dad about the matter.

Please let me know your opinion on this, and the more opinions the better educated choice I make right? LOL

Sincerly,

Cash7707
aka
Desperate in TX

best

Your son's safety is the important thing.
(my opinion)
Explain to your son that dad's drinking is an illness and by doing so you are putting the blame on the drinking, not the dad. bad mouthing the dad to any degree won't help.
Ask your son how he feels about not going for visits and maybe explain the dangers to him a little (things you listed that he told of)

For his safety, I would set some boundaries and deal with if such are getting between him and dad later. His safety is first.

Again...my opinion. Others may have better ideas to share.

CarolD

Welcome!
Your x is now the child
your son the parent.

Not fair!

I suggest supervised visits.
Court mandated.

JMO

barb dwyer

Your first and formost responsibility is to your son.

second, go ahead and try alateen. The most powerful meetings I've ever sat in on were where alateens shared. I don't know about any age limits ... but if there are other groups - they'll know.

hope that helps
prayers for you!
brb

Rusty Zipper

Cash... i hear all too often storys... "when i grow up, i'm not going to drink like my mom or dad..." ... then, its'"How did that happen?"

get um the hell away from his dad!..

if sonny is willing, as mentioned.. a youth help group can be of tremendous help...

hey, how bout DCS?

dept. of children services.. if its that bad...

good wishes Cash... xxoo, rz

parentrecovers

welcome, cash - nice to meet you. sorry what you are going through, it's very difficult.

my ex was an alchoholic and i limited his access to my daughter when she was younger - it's important to keep your son safe from drunk driving and
other dangers. he's too young to make those decisions, so you are going to have to do. do you go to alanon? it really helps me.

is there a way to arrange visits at a supervised location - like a family member's house or somewhere safe?

blessings, k

Cash7707

Thank you all for your advice. I believe that I am going to try to talk to his Dad and explain that we are going to need to make some changes with visitation and that he really has no other option while he is still drinking. I hope this does not hurt my sons relationship with his Dad, but the relationship comes second to his safety and well-being. Thanks again.

GlassPrisoner

Wow, I'm split on this one.

When I used to visit my Dad on vacation, a lot of our time was spent in bars and at the local Eagels Club. Dad would also drink when he and I went places. He even had one of those fakeplastic wrap arounds for his beer cans. I never thought much of it, and it didn't affect our relationship.

I turned out OK. Ummm, well......*cough*.....

Looking back, it was dangerous to me, and selfish on his part. But hey, he was may Dad. I loved him.

I guess supervised visits are probably the best in this case, even though that was not my experience.

splendra

I guess I can understand your delima however, it seems that your son's wellbeing is at risk here. My 2 cents worth is that at this point your sons wellbeing is way more important than his relationship with his dad.

TINLIZZY

I agree with everything said here. Your son's welfare is most important. Also do NOT badmouthing dad in anyway. Maybe informal supervised visits with a friend or family memeber, no overnights. Given the situation, you should not have any trouble getting dad to agree.

If you son is talking to you about the visits, he is obviously concerned, but afraid to go to his father. He is only 9 years old and reaching out to you for help.

TinLizzy