PG1968

Hey guy’s, I have posted before. Well, this turned out to already being a crappy year. I stayed sober through Christmas and then went out on a long binge after new years, about 4 days. I was in a relationship with the same girl for this past year. These last three months with her have been violent, we would get drunk and I would tease her about other guys and or money( I have been supporting her) and she would end up throwing dinner plates, ash trays, and whatever else she could find, she has a bad temper. The cops came over once, but nothing happened. I realize that we should have not stayed together, but I loved her allot, and when we where sober we got along great. Well, the bottom dropped out on me two days ago. We got into another fight/argument and because she had taken my car and she was so drunk, she lost the keys at the store and then asked some guy for a ride back to my house, just some stranger, or so she says.(honestly, she never gave me a reason not to trust her so far) I was asleep when she had come back to my house. When I awoke, the car was gone. Sorry this is so long. She decided to walk back to the store to get the car and I let her go. She shows up after a while and I am totally pissed off and I question her again and she just yells back expletives, and then throws a bottle at me and I go ballistic and snap and throw her to the ground and hit her in her face. Well, I have never, ever done that before, but she was so violent and. I don’t know, I feel so miserable. We have decided never to speak again. I am constantly losing it and I cannot even look at myself in the mirror because I have such a low opinion of myself now. Because of this I have to live back with my parents (they cosigned on a house with me) I have not had a job in about two months and basically, I feel like my life is completely over. I know I can never drink again because my anger is getting worse and worse. I feel like ****. I have insecurity issues. My grammar is usually not this frantic, but I am so distraught from I have done to this person. I told her I would turn myself in to the cops, but she said she did not want to press charges. It all sucks. I have talked to a counselor yesterday and start out patient rehab next week. I am so screwed, I cannot live with myself. Sorry this is so long. Not only do I have to go through the pain of what I have done, but also now I know I have to be sober and this will be so hard. The counselor person told me about having to get non-using friends now. I can just expect a lonely and painful road to recovery; at least that is what I feel now. You know what really sucks? I am a very good person usually and I go out of my way to help others. I have just been an alcoholic for over ten years now. So much for a good New Year and last year really was bad.

Anna

Please get help - now.

I'mready99

PG...

Consider this your bottom. Stay far away from alcohol or drugs. It won't be easy but you need to do it for yourself and your family...

You are not dead, or you wouldn't be writing this call for help...

You can pick yourself back up, but you gotta want to. Do whatever the counselor suggests...

Best of luck to you...

Steve

best

I have reached a point of such anger but never crossed the line of hitting a lady. Came close a time or two and punched a wall instead.
You have two choices...get control or get worse.
How do you get control?
Stopping the drinking would be the biggest thing you could do. (it slows down the anger big time) With the alcohol gone, we still have the issue of our own tempers that can come back at times because we don't deal with things in a healthy manner. Beleive me, I know.
Counseling, self improvement through step work, seeking help from God. They can all help and you can reach a better point of self control of your temper with one or all three of the above. It worked greatly for me. I am still working to seek more improvement yet. Sure is better then my old ways. Much better.

If you seek out AA meetings and work through the steps of recovery that AA guides us through... You will find many answers and huge growth in yourself.
Even that feeling of...I am such an *** for doing what I did... the steps used in AA recovery deal with that as well. We can and do fix what is broken.

Serious issues await or serious help and improvement awaits... the choice is your's.

best

Yup I think I hated that the most about my drinking. I became someone else and stopped being me. I didn't like who I was and adding more alcohol didn't take it away...it just made it worse.

AA meetings can and do help us learn to help ouself.

midwestgirl37

Dear PG1968,

I can relate to becoming a person other than myself when drinking. I have done things I'm very ashamed of. However, when sober I am a loving, caring, and kind person. Most people here have done things they regret immensely due to alcohol.

Alcohol is no longer fun for me. It cost me thousands of dollars, the near-breakup of my long-term boyfriend, and certainly my peace-of-mind at the time.

However, there is a new and joyful life ahead of you if you choose sobriety. I am sure you are a kind, caring, and wonderful person when you are not drinking.

I felt terrible when I stopped drinking. However, there is a lot that a doctor can do for you if you're willing. There are many aids to help with quitting. I hope you'll see a doctor, and be kind and loving to yourself! You are one of god's creatures, and you are inherently worthy of love -- your own and others.

All my best,
Midwestgirl

gypsytears

The violence issue is a serious one. The decision to never speak to each other is good , provided you stay away from each other as well.

The out patient rehab program is a good place to start recovering your life . Have you thought of attending an anger management program too?

northbelle

I'm sorry. I can relate totally to your pain..and I can tell you that your road to recovery will NOT be totally pain filled. Yeah it does have its moments of loneliness but I have to tell you the way people are willing to help my sorry ass back out of the mire has been unparrelled by ANY experience I have had while drinking!! It is very hard to start from the bottom when all those awful memories are right there in your head. It takes a few 24 hours to get away from those feelings but it does happen.
Of course you are a good person!!
This is my mantra I could just scream from the rooftops!!
We are not BAD people trying to get GOOD.....
We are SICK people trying to get WELL.....
There are lots of awesome people out there waiting to meet you and you will have plenty of oppurtunities to help people in a way that only those of us who have been through it can.
You are going to have a powerful story to tell to encourage others....I am sooo glad you are in treatment so you can meet some people.!! And I am so grateful that sobriety has reached its hand out to me one more time!!
You can do this..I swear..if I can you can....keep posting PLEEZ!!
I care about you.
love north

CarolD

midwestgirl37 Welcome to SR!

I totally agree with your reply.

PG1968...
There is a new life of joy and healing
waiting for you. Blessings

PG1968

You guy's and girl's are just the coolest and caring people. I did go to the NA meeting tonight. I actually shared and explained what has happened with me recently. I got a list of numbers and plan on getting a sponsor. I have two individuals in mind. This time I will plan on getting a sponsor and actually work the steps, for once. I really appeciate the honesty and the advice. It means alot. I hope I will soon be able to support others in these types of situations.there are no guarantees, as you know.This is so hard to do. as far as the girl, it sucks, I was/am in love with her. maybe sometime in the future if we both are sober and in the program.. that is probably not a good idea, I think you will say. I feel a little better just talking to the people at the meeting, I have never talked to that many members at one time. my pain was very obvious when I spoke, I guess they realized that. again thanks. God, some of these woman on TV are reminding me of my ex.....

GlassPrisoner

Wow, just one meeting and your attitude is completely changed ! I'm so happy for you.

Just think how good it could be of you work the program ! I've got 80 days (alcoholic) and I enjoy life more now than I can remember. Serenity Rules !

PG1968

No, I would not say my attitude has completely changed, I just feel a lot better since. I still have all of the guilt, self loating, and I really miss her already. I am sure that is going to hurt more and more.

GlassPrisoner

OK, let me re-phrase, your last post seems a lot more optimistic than your first.

PG1968

Glass Prisoner... no biggie, I do feel better, scared though.

PG1968

the reality of my situation is really starting to kick in and this really just all sucks. I don't how I can make it through being sober, trying to get my life back, and not having my Significant other. sucks.

CarolD

Yes it does hurt to lose a relationship.

You get yourself together and follow N/A
then see where you are in awhile.

This is the time for you to be learning
how to live clean.

Mega Hugs

tennchick9598

I am so sorry for your pain, I have been thru similar situations, but i was the stupid messd up girl being violent. Things are way better now, we have remarried and been that way for 5 years with no more problems. Keep hope, and keep your head up, cuz it will get better, you are in my prayers!!!