Northern LiGhT

Hey everybody. I came across this site, read a few threads, and was quite impressed. I came here and registered because I have been an alcoholic/drug addict since I was 13. I am going on 20 now, and I have been to jail, lost all my friends and family over and over again, and it seems I have a cycle which I don't want to break. I realize I can stop, and i've taken steps. For 2 1/2 years I smoked crystal meth, every day. I spent close to 100,000$, mostly stolen and made off drug sales. Yet I did quit. Although I quit meth, I still used alcohol. Sometimes it would be twice a week, sometimes it would be twice an hour. Not until two years ago did I start upping the anty. It started off with me drinking a six pack of beer every two days, then it turned into a six pack a day. Soon I was downing 12 beers a day, then it turned to 18 beers a day. Now I can polish off a 24 pack from sun up to sun down like it was nothing. I am very ashamed, since I am in college and am an honor roll student throughout all of this. Many of my fellow students look up to me and ask advice for schoolwork, yet I feel I am just an addict hiding behind a personality thats not really mine. I feel like if I don't quit today, pretty soon I'll be dead or in jail. I just recieved a suspended sentence of two years in a state prison, along with two years of court probation and search an seizures. I was arrested for Posession of a Controlled Substance with Intent to Sell. I feel horrible emotionally and physically of all the things I put myself through. I feel as though i'm so different from society at this point i'd rather not function in it. Over the years i've become more and more antisocial to the point where I don't go outside of my house for days, even weeks. My schoolwork is being affected, and I feel like its a miracle that I get out of bed and do schoolwork. I always thought crystal meth was my biggest deamon, well, now I have to rethink that. Alcohol has been in my life long before I hit puberty, and slowly its escalated to my current state. I am here because I want to to share my experience with you all and to hear yours. Because i've learned along the way that I understand a lot more, and feel better, when I hear a story like mine. I guess I don't feel so alone then. Well, to all of you: I hope that we all enjoy each others company and that I will have a succesful recovery with the help of you all and my own will. God bless.
-A.F.

Northern LiGhT

One more comment.
In all, I have drinken daily for about 3 years now. I have not had one day where I did not drink during that time. Before that it was every other day. The reason I drink everyday is fear of the D.T.'s. Sometimes I will fear so much that the withdrawl will be hell that I postpone the whole detox. Also, my two uncles, father, grandmother, grandfather, both my aunts, and my cousin are addicts/ alcoholics. Just some more info if it helps.

splendra

Hey (((Northern Light))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. It sounds like you need some help from a doctor, one who specializes in addiction. There is most likely some kind of "intensive out patient" addiction clinic you could attend in your area. It can be dangerous to take yourself off of alcohol without help.

I suppose you are in the middle of a semester so going in-patient might mess up your semester. I am sure others will be along shortly to welcome you. Hang in there and keep posting...

Northern LiGhT

Thanks. I've been to treatment three times in my life, for crystal meth and cocaine when I was 15, 16, and 17. I just am scared as hell going back to rehab. Its not someplace I want to be at. I know that sounds selfish, but I don't think I could handle it emotionally. It brings me back to a place in my life where I was a whole different person, it reminds me that I am back right where I started. I used to have a therapist, but I rarely told him the truth. I just drank my last 12 beers, and I am not going to have my dad buy me anymore. I don't know what to expect, and I am not happy about this whole ordeal. I have so much work that needs to be cought up on, and it seems like its never a good time to quit. Last time I tried I was in bed for almost a week sick as a dog, still drinking wine coolers to get myself through it. I'm just worried that cold turkey will cause more significant problems. Yet I will not be able to get prescription medication because I am black listed from most of the physicians at my hospital, because of my past addictions. This is all too overwhelming right now, and I just don't know how to handle withdrawl symptoms. Please someone give me advice on how to handle what i'm going to experience. Because in the past I never got past the first hour or two of withdrawl without asking my dad to buy me another 30 pack.

lulu70

Welcome to SR, NL. Glad you found us. I think what Splendra was trying to put delicately is that it is VERY dangerous to detox on your own. I am certain there are some substance abuse specialist doctors in your area. You could also go to a hospital for detox.

I understand your fear about treatment. I've been there myself and it was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things I have ever done. I assure you that you CAN handle it. It probably just feels like you can't right now because you haven't allowed yourself to feel anything for so long. The truth is that you are going to start feeling things no matter where you are. At least if you are in treatment you are in a safe place and aren't in danger of picking up another drink or drug.

Just some things to think about. You don't have to decide or do anything right this minute. I'm just glad you found us and I hope you will keep posting!

Northern LiGhT

Has any one in here quit alcohol without meetings/rehab programs?

Wolfchild

Hi Northern LiGhT!!
People do it all the time.They're the ones who only see addiction as a problem and not a syptom.

Northern LiGhT

Well guys. Since the 14th, when I posted this message...I only drank twice. I first drank about 12 beers the night of my first post. Then, I did the unthinkable. I spent all yesterday without a drink. Not one. Thats the first time in years. However, today I had two glasses of wine. I have learned that I can control my drinking somewhat, (instead of 24 beers a day its a glass of wine or two). It dosn't feel so bad, except I havn't given myself time yet. This website at least reminds me the goal I see ahead. Tonight I am not drinking, and tomarrow I'll attack it again. Oh yeah you guys, I broke in to my emergency liquor cabinent. I took out two fifths of Vodka, and a Fifth of Brandy, and poured them right down the drain. So besides a glass of wine upstairs my father is having, my house is now booze free! Yay!

CarolD

Good job! I have been keeping an alcohol fre house
for years and it works great for me.

Keep in focus..and Welcome to SR!

Northern LiGhT

Another day without alcohol!! Its been less then 24 hours, but hey, I gotta start somewhere.

Northern LiGhT

****, well i havnt posted in a bit. i relapsed quite a bit. so far ive only quit a day in this whole "recovery" process. i guess thats my ****** up update. take care

doorknob

NL,

The Bay has meetings called LifeRing that you might find helpful. They're a little different from what you've probably experienced. I could get you some contact info if you're interested.

DK

P.S. I actually grew up in the Bay (Oakland), but have been gone for about 10 years.

Northern LiGhT

I accualy just quit again two days ago, after my ex girlfriend called the police during a blackout phone conversation I had with her. Apparently I was threatening suicide and the police took me away to a physciatric hospital and I was 51/50'd. The next day I made an appoitment with the Dependancy clinic at my local hospital to begin a program on friday of this week. I was given oxazepam to help with my alcohol withdrawls and I havn't drinken in 2 days. I feel like such ****, and I thought I could do it myself. My family says if I don't do this now, they won't talk to me anymore. I feel so bad, but its something that needs to be done. If I went any longer like I was doing, I would have been a bum stealing liquor from 7-11s. Ive lost so much money and personal property and made so many stupid mistakes while drinking it's hard to comprehend I was that wasted. What hurts me most is that I hurt my family and friends, and made a complete fool of myself. I am embarassed to say the least, very very embarassed. I hope you guys keep talking to me because I accualy get something out of this. Hope to hear some responses. Thanks

nolonger

Hi NL, hope you’re doing OK. I’m new to this site too, but not new to the kind of misery you describe. Having only a couple of days myself, I can hardly give advice, only say that I really hope you can last through these difficult days. Try to keep in mind that all the remorse and the embarrassment and the unhappiness will only be repeated over and over again if you drink again. It might seem like drinking again will ease the pain of those feelings, but it won’t, it can’t – it will just make sure they come back the same, only bigger and stronger. Just try to make it through a minute, a few minutes, an hour, a day. Good luck, the other NL.

c'est la vie

Hi NL, it sounds to me like you really would benefit from a doctors care while you detox. It's dangerous and can be fatal.

You can certainly keep posting and we'll keep responding, but a doctor can help you better than we can right now if you're worried about DT's.

Northern LiGhT

Thanks to all of you who respond. Yes, I think a doctor's care would be my best bet to beat this demon. The medication helps with the withdrawls, but makes me feel sluggish. I am trying to take it day by day, but it is so hard because everywhere I go someone I know is having a drink around me. Im afraid I'll probobly have to be alone for some time to stray away from all the temptation. I'll be starting an outpatient program soon, which I am all to familiar with. I just hope that with the doctor's care, and the support I get here, I never relapse again. Thanks a lot you guys and I will keep you posted.
Also, my cousin has been drinking quite a bit too lately. She is 18 and does not consider herself an alcoholic. She drinks daily, but she says alcoholics become that way over years of abuse. Since she has only been abusing alcohol for a year or so, does that make her one too? I hope that she will see her problem and join treatment with me. Any advice on her? Can someone who drinks heavily daily, but only for a year or so, be an alcoholic? She dosn't seem to think so, but I do.

victory2007

Dear NL--hang tough and I also suggest doing 90 AA meetings in 90 days. It sounds like a lot but sounds like a better option for you than in-patient. Suggestion: If we have to think about trying to control our drinking, we are most likely alcoholic. Normies don't give it a thought. It's automatic that they drink like a lady or gentleman because they don't share the addiction.

AA is a good place to start sharing feelings that you'll be getting in touch with shortly. It's the feelings we 'medicate'...who wants to feel the feelings that caused us to numb the pain to begin with. Having a safe place to share these feelings as they arise is very important if you don't want to pick up again. There are some really good out-patient support groups as well that deal with chemical dependency and help you work through your feelings. I'm bi-polar so I attend one through a mental health agency and the group support is phenominal. Wouldn't have made it to one year sober without it!
God Bless you as you seek to remain sober and discover life...you can have one without the chemicals...I found mine!!

Northern LiGhT

Thanks so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. I have considered AA plenty of times, yet I havn't heard the best things about it. What i've heard is that they can be very pushy, hence the "90 meetings in 90 days". I mean, it's hard enough to quit, but why push someone to limits they can't handle at the same time?
In no way shape or form am I doubting your opinion, in fact, I think it's very insightful. And I probobly should try it before I speak on it. Maybe i'll do just that.
Also, does anyone think anti anxiety medication should be taken after the initial 3 days of detoxing? My doctor told me not to, because of the addiction potential. Yet after these pills wear off I can bet my life that i'll be an anxious mess. Before I started drinking I was an extremely anti social person. (I mean I would have panic attacks before entering a 14 person classroom, consistently.) Alcohol was the one drug, (besides crystal meth), that made me feel comfertable just doing simple things. I want to ask my doctor if any more medication would help, but I also think that this could just cause another addiction on top of my many many past ones. I don't know, maybe I should start posting in a different forum about this stuff. Haha, thanks everyone. It's almost day three.

chip

Hi Northern Light,

3 Days is Awesome!!!!!

I remember when I hit day 3. It was tough to quit, but it was the beginning of a fantastic journey for me.

Getting to the day 3 mark is the perfect time for the dancing banana

I thought AA wasn't for me before I actually went to a meeting. I had a whole bunch of preconcieved notions about the program. I thought it was "pushy" as well.

I joined AA, and I eventually found that it was the perfect place for me to be. At times I hated it. I kept going anyway. I couldn't have stayed clean and sober without the support of my AA group. It has changed my life.

I hope you find the answers you need, and I hope you are able to find contented sobriety. Keep posting!
chip

person543

i want to feel conscious for 5 minutes.... i wish the best for you and if anything works please share. i hesitate with aa because its religiosly orientated. i want to want to have a life of my own.. sobriety scares me ********. i cant imagine a life without substance... always liquor, love weed, amphetimines. i have to be sober to survive right now but i know i dont want it to last... years.. even months without a drink hurts to think about