KCGOT

Hi I am the husband of an Alchohalic with possable dual diagnosis.

I am living in Texas with our two kids and moved here because the drama was too much too handle for me and the kids.

She came to Austin for a rehab that was somewhat reasonable in price.

Our issues with her disappearing acts were not new but seemed to escalate in the last year or so. She would go out and get bombed and come home emotional and when i did not respond with care it would be war games. She put herself in so many bad situations and learned only how too hate herself into drinking more and more.

The issue i am having now is that she is getting out next week and calling now to pick her up. I know I cant do that but what do i do when she dose get out? She has a home in California but going back to the drama there would insure that she would fail. She lives with Brother and Sister who together could drink anyone under the table. There is so many dramatic triggers and bad situations to live in for her there with poor memories of self destruction.

I love my wife and if i did not have my little ones i would give it a shot and there would be no question but can i risk brining the drama back, or do i let her go back knowing that my kids will never have their mother again.

I try to focus on my kids but she is my kids. My kids need her, as do I but we need the real her.

any comments would be appreciated.

CatsPajamas

Hi KC,

The good news is if she is in rehab and is serious about it, she's been given the tools on how to live in the "real" world and NOT drink even if people around her are drinkers. IF she's serious about recovery, she will be equipped with names and numbers of AA meetings etc. IF she's serious, then her focus will be on her recovery and her sobriety above everything else for awhile.

The good news AND the bad news is that this is not about you, it's about her. The best thing that you can do for yourself and your kids is to find yourself an Al Anon meeting and GO. Depending on the ages of your kids, find them an Ala Teen meeting. Read everything you can read here on these forums. Get a copy of the book Co Dependent No More and read that too.

You'll learn about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. You'll learn how to take care of yourself and your kids too, whether or not your wife chooses sobriety or chooses to drink again.

Welcome to SR. There are many here who totally understand where you are and how you feel.

HUGS

Cat

aasharon90

Hi im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
here in SR i havent found it necessary
to pick up a drink since 8-11-90. For
that im truely grateful.

My family did an intervention on me
back in Aug. 90. They did for me what
i couldnt do for myself. I tried so many
time to quit drinking and i continued to
fail. I failed tothe point of wanting to
end my miserable life. Thank God the
attempt failed.

I was sent to a 28 day inpatiant rehab
facility there in Baton Rouge, were we
lived....as i was to be released they
wanted me to go out of state to a
halfway house..away from my family
little ones....so an agreement was made
that after my 28 day i would attend a
6 week outpatiant intensive aftercare
program.

Did my family know what to expect when
i was released? How could they....all they
knew was i was in a facility that would keep
me from drinking 28 days and that was it....
upon relaese im sure they were nervous....

Me, i was still very angry....resentful for
what my family did to me...i hated everyone
except my babies and the people i bonded
with in rehab....in fact i was ready to run
off with one....thank God it didnt happen....

See when i got out, i made a promise to
go to aftercare for 6 weeks just so i wouldnt
be sent away again....i was scared and i
didnt want to leave my babies again...so
i did what was suggested of me whether
i liked it or not.....

i went to so many meetings my first 6 yrs
of recovery....i listened and aborbed all i could...
I baked for all my meetings which allowed
me to have a reason to go to those meetings
when i didnt want to....it was my service work..
i called or saw my sponsor from time to time..

AA people were my family and still are. I mean
i have my little family....marriage of 24 yrs....
2 college kids,,,very marture and responsible.

Im BLESSED TODAY with 16 yrs of sobriety.

What to expect....no expectations.....

We moved here to Houston 10 yrs ago where
i left behind my AA family....YES I MISS them
more today then the first day i left. But....today

i have SR....and have been here for almost a yr...

Ive shared here more times than i can think of
than all the yrs going to a face to face meetings.

SR is my recovery family today. And I LOVE THEM... : )

I dont know what to say about ur wife....everyone is
different in recovery....i made a choice when i got
sober and that choice has kept me sober one day at a time.

Hopefully she will make the right choice and choose
recovery. Until then...like my husband did for me
he did go to al-anon a few times and learned a word..

one word...de-ttachment....and now he thinks
he works a program...lol Al-anon can help you to
take care of urself while she is in recovery.

They do say that when one person is sick
in the family, everyone get sick..that
is why there's Al-anon, Al-a-teen...and
other recovery programs for the family.

Seek the help and guidance from the many
sources they have avialable for you and ur
family.

Feel free to message me if u need any
further suggestions or guidance.

In service,
Sharon M.
8-11-90

Anna

Hi KC,

I am sorry for the situation that you and your children are facing.

You might check out the Friends and Families forum on this board. You'll find lots of people there who are in similar situations to yours.

Little Missy

Wow ((KCGOT)) your post really touched my heart.

I am the alcoholic mother in our family. I know I did some terrible things. I too would suggest the Alanon forum. They will help you learn how to take care of you.

There is hope that she may be better and continue with recovery. That is something she has to prove with her actions, not her words. Just my experience, I make a living amends daily to my family, by continuing to do the next right thing!!

I wish you well!!

KCGOT

Thank you all for your quick responces. I have been to the Alanon programs but I seem to get a better understanding from others that are in her situation. I dont know maybe it is the side of me that likes to get the feel in the other persons shoes. I hope i never know what it is like but to get a better understanding and hear the sucsess stories makes me feel more hope.

Cynay

Welcome to SR....

You might want to attend some open AA meetings if your looking for an understanding of her...

Unfortunally I had to learn the hard way to stay out of my alcoholics mind.... its was a scarry place and no matter how hard I tired I could not understand. That is why AA works so well, because she would fellowship with other Alcoholics that really "get" her.

But the same can be said for you as well, In Al-anon the support is amazing because there is no place that you have been or are now that at least one of us has not been in too. I learned that I had to take the focus off my alcoholic and put it back on me.... I was not helping when I focused on him or his recovery..... and I was doing alot of damage to myself.

Come on down to Friends and Family and introduce yourself.... I look forward to getting to know you.

Little Missy

Yep, my husband attends an open AA meeting with me every week. He said it has really help him to understand. Even if he can't totally understand.

Let us know if you have any questions.