Krys_wyo

I know we all have to do it for ourselves but I want to know what made everyone finally do it.

this is very hard for me but here is My Story................

That last day I didnt even want to drink that day but i did, anyway my friends took me to a bar later that night and I was TOREUP when i got there, long story short, we went out to dance (cause i can drunk...lmao) set our beers on some peoples table got done grabbed beer went on with night, well about 45 minutes later i felt terrible, i was paranoid crying and just plain ill, called hubby crying screaming to come get me, he was pissed. Next morning i woke up sobbing wanting to die, i wanted to end it all, i was scared, mad, paranoid,nervous ,i took a shower and left drove around searching for my cousin, while crying uncontrollably the whole time...... i finally got ahold of her and she prayed with me i told her i was done and that was it.
I went home, hubby there and seemed mad, i went right past him to bed, layed down sobbing, he came in awhile later and asked to talk......I told him that if we never mentioned that night again i promise i would never drink again, period end of it! This may be corny but we cried together and madelove then went for a long drive in the country. It was the first day of the rest of my life.
A friend of mine is a nurse and said it sounded like i got a "mickey" a combo of , ghb or ruffies and extasy.....all i know was i wanted to die that morning and if it wasnt for my cousin i just might have.
I havent looked back on that night until now and it is still a very painful blotch on my drunken past that i have to live with.
I thank you all for being here for reading this and for being a great support system.
God (or whoevere you choose) bless us all and thank you to all our families for still being here.
Krys

Disorderly

In the last three weeks of my drinking, I began to have blackouts, which was new. well I'd had them before, but I'd never done or said anything bad before.

Well in those last 3 weeks it was like I was posessed or something because not only did I say the most terrible, unbelievable and shocking things to people but I think I even tried to crack onto my brother in law (I'm not entirely sure about this; I really dont remember but I think I might have said something - maybe a lot of things - innapropriately, I just have no idea.)

Anyway this happened several times in a very short period and suddenly I just gotreally really afraid and thought OMG I dont know what I'm doing. I kind of felt I had no choice anymore because I couldn't stand by my own behavior anymore I had to disown it and the only way to disown it was to admit I hadn't had control of myself.

I am still battling terrible self esteem, shame, guilt and paranoia but its only week one. I hope it gets easier.

RubyT

Still trying to work up the nerve to tell my whole story...stay tuned. I don't think y'all would like me very much.

CarolD

My long term depression is why I quit drinking.

Disorderly

Believe me I would not think that... but I relate to what you say. I absolutely hate myself for the things I said. I dont think I could ever fully relate them (what I remember that is) because its just very shameful and makes me feel so horrible about myself.

I know its bad but its a wake up isn't it and if bad things didnt happen to us when drunk then we might not ever give up, because I dont know about you but health was nevr going to be the reason I quit - it would have killed me first (which it did, in the case of my grandfather.)

So altough humiliation is indeed a horrible thing and stings like crazy it helped me get sober so I cant be altogether sorry.

I can totally see and understand how people can do and say the most heinous, terrible, immoral things drunk. Normal people do not understand that in our cases we can still function when a normal person would be on the floor unconscious. BUT WE SHOULDN"T BE lol. Just because we can talk and move doesn't make us sensible. We've moved out of the state of mere drunk and into the sphere of almost insane.

Whatever you did or said in that state it was NOT YOU. You aren't that person it isn't a reflection of who you are. Many people (who aren't alcoholics) have some doubts there because they think, well the thought must of been there already for you to do that or say that. Sadly that isn't true at all but it can be a battle to convince our friends and loved ones in our sobriety.

Dont be ashamed as shame is a waste of time and energy and a practice of self hate, which is merely more self abuse in a different kind. When a shameful thought comes to you hold your head high and remind yourself how proud you are that you overcame this. Many do not and live their lives like this, and die from it.

So your a survivor AND a fighter. No point in falling into a depression from past actions lifes too short to keep looking back, you wont see whats in front of you if you do and it might be something really great...

bob123

I dunno, no one thing...so much to choose from... losing majority of friends, doing evil things to firends/family... waking up under bushes miles from home, kids seeing me stagger around in a stupor .. .. could be here all day...
i guess realization that after 20 year years booze and drugs had just beaten me good and proper and moderation wasnt an option..

NEEDTOBESOBER

There are so many reasons, don't know where to start, after drinking for 20 plus years, 3 DWI's total, legal problems, spending time in jail cause of my last DWI, then I believe the disease progressed to where I would just drink on a daily basis to keep from having withdrawals, that shakiness feeling, one day I asked a neighbor tot ake me to the store to get beer cause i was so desperate to drink and I guess about 3-4 months or so ago when I needed money to pay bills or just so I could drink more I got into prostitution or I guess you could also call it being an escort, I hope noone judges me for this, which I am sure there are plenty of you who have done some wild things just to keep getting drunk or high. And some days I didnt even wanna drink the beer i was just drinking so I wouldnt get the shakes.

NEEDTOBESOBER

i would also like to add the money wasted on alcohol- I could have a lot of money saved up in the bank w/ all the money spent over the years, instead I have no money.

Krys_wyo

So many things im sure we have all said and done while drinking/using or to drink/use.
That was just one night of many.
Ruby and Need, trust me I am not here to judge you or anyone, i have done alot of sh*t in the last 20 years i am not proud of and i need to hold onto all that bad stuff to keep on the right path, i need to remember the bad to keep from ever drinking again. I dont ever want to be that woman again, i like the sober me and for once i am proud of myself, and other people are proud of me to.

RubyT

I'm not worried about anyone judging me...not here anyway. I don't know, maybe I'm still trying to block it all out still. Putting words to the whole sordid mess would make it all so real. Maybe I'm more afraid of judging myself. Make any sense?

Blake

The last day that I used was horrible. I had decided to stop taking my methadone on a sunday, by tuesday I had to call in sick, wednesday I tried to go to work, but after being there for about 10 minutes I was in the bathroom throwing up for about 30 minutes. When I came out the bathroom, my shirt was soaked through with sweat, my eyes and nose were running, eyes red, I was shaking.....I went to the office manager and told her I had to go home.

When I got there, my roommate was sitting on the couch, one of our connection had just stopped by and my roommate saw what shape I was in and gave me two 30mg roxycodone. I immediately snorted both and the pain eased up. I took a shower, put on some pajamas and went and layed on the couch. 1 hour later,I was in full detox again, sick, throwing up, sweating, shaking.....I was alone in the house and decided that there was no way I could get through this, so I decided that I'd go out to the garage and sit in there with the car running till I died. I got up and poured myself a glass of water and walked out to my car, I turned it on and lit a cigarette.......then I hit the garage door button and backed out of the garage and drove to my parrents house, stopping every few miles to throw up on the side of the road.

I had to get to a point where suicide seemed like a better option that using. I lost all hope, but I asked for help anyway. I found NA and learned that I never had to use again. Now I'm full of hope!

Krys_wyo

That makes alot of sense, I think im over the fear of being judged the first few weeks of my sobriety I relived so many crappy memories of things ive said and done and i have judged my ownself harder then anyone ever could, i still do.

optomatic5000

I guess I could say that those around me are going through more pain than me and that is why I quit. I don't want to end up like them. I think for a good portion of my life I have cared what people think of me and I think this is why I drank the way I did. I didn't care, but I did care and it tore me up inside. The best way for me to deal wiith it was to drink, and drink some more. When I was 19, I got caught up in the law because of drinking. I was drinking every night. I did it because everyone I knew was drinking. I guess you could say peer pressure was hip! Long story short, I was at a party, the party got out of hand, I had drank way too much, I left the party and headed for home. I didn't make it home. In fact, I ended up shutting down the whole west end of town because I got into an accident. I thought I was a hot shot, so I pulled out into traffic, fish-tailed it and then that's where I lost control and smashed three different cars as they were all waiting on a red light. As the smoke cleared, I heard a knock at the window and there were three guys trying to hold one guy back from killing me. He had a shot gun and he was ready to use it. The scene was a mess and there was one woman injured due to my jack-ass stunt that I pulled. I feel ashamed about it to this day and I will for the rest of my life.

Not too long ago, I was at a party and the same thing almost happened. Things got out of hand and I ended up leaving the party half lit. Luckily, this was a night that the local cops here decided not to be on patrol and I made it home. I sat up that night shivering and shaking and I did not get one ounce of sleep. Nor did I get any sleep the next night and the whole next day after that party I sat here alone in my room thinking, thinking, thinking, contemplating, pacing the floor, thinking some more, pacing, thinking, and scaring myself sober. What if I end up caught up in the law again? I could lose my license, I could lose my job, I would end up having to go to court, I'd have fines to pay, I could lose everything. I would succumb to alcohol. I don't want that!

Now, I look around! I see my friends (who I now somewhat look at as former drinking buddies) and how they're causing their own problems because they're always drunk. I see my father, who is an alcoholic, slowly deteriorating in his days of retirement. I lost a friend because he has a problem with the fact that I quit drinking. This is a friend who I feel I showed too much patience for. I know another guy who likes to blame everything on the world because the world doesn't work the way he feels it should work. Do you know where that attitude comes from? Alcohol!

I do not want this anymore! I want to live life! I want to be able to jump in my car anytime I want and take a road trip! I don't necessarily want to visit anyone, I just want to take a trip anywhere I feel like! I want my freedom! I don't want to end up in a situation where I could end up living where I'm living now for the rest of my life and paying fines until I'm 70 years old! What fun is that? I don't want to end up like my Dad! God bless him, I love him, but I'll be damned if I'm going down that road! I want to be able to meet new people, see new things, DO new things, live life to the fullest and not live as if tomorrow will never come!

Well, I hope this explains what go me sober! I look forward to sharing more with you and getting to know more of you!

Thanks,
Opto

michski

Booze and drugs didn't work anymore... they were drinking/snorting me and not the other way around. When you get as low as you can go getting clean and sober sounds SO good you're willing to go through the pain to not exist in a living hell everyday.

Also, my husband couldn't take it anymore... neither could my friends.. so they all left me to deal with my reality alone. It shook me up bigtime!

Krys_wyo

Suzin,
I understand completely I decided to do it and i had to hit post or else i would of deleted it like i have about 4 times before, rereading it was likei was reading someone elses story, i have to keep telling myself that is you.............it was a long story i shortened, i left out alot of details and the funny thing about that whole day is........I REMEMBER everythng, i was slammed i drank from around 1pm till i passed out around 2am, and usually i forgot alot of things(blacked out) , but i guess it is god or something like hims way of letting me know that, that day had to be the end.

Latte

I had to recently try it one more time, because I just hadn't had enough.

I have been suffering from pain and should not take Motrin etc. and thought my only option was opiate pain medications. Luckily this time I saw my world coming down around me and called my doctors quickly and got off of the pain meds. I'm still in pain, but my desire to be clean and sober...is even more prevalent. I'm scared because I still have to have surgery and will be given the same pain meds after surgery. I have been enlightened though.

Nothing like a little flash of what your life could be if you don't stick with your program to show you how much you want to be clean and sober.

Keep on keeping on.

Lastbinge

My 30 some year drinking career came to a close 49 days ago. What made me quit this time for good, even though I had admitted to myself ten years ago I was an alcoholic?
I would have to say it was the agony of detox and withdrawals that finally ended my years of drinking. The last binge I went on......during the process of drinking nonstop for a week or so.......I knew I was going to pay the piper when I stopped, I knew that I would keep drinking until I was so ill that I could not keep another drop of alcohol down.......slamming a beer only to vomit it up minutes later, but trying another one again and again until I was to weak and sick to lift another bottle did it.
I was so ill, I knew this had to be the last time, that if I continued my bingeing ways I would likely die before too many more years went by.

The will to live is what made me quit. I want to live and I want to enjoy however many years God allows me to keep this body.

I am so grateful I have had my last drink, my last bout of detox and withdrawal, of which this last withdrawal was the worst I have ever encountered.

I don't post here often, but I am on this forum two or three times a day every day...reading other peoples stories and taking in other peoples experiences. I have not attended AA or any other "formal" program".

I consider this board and the caring warmth of people here, my program.

I am amazed how quickly the sober days are passing by...I look back at my first few posts here when I was in the throes of wicked withdrawal and it seems so long ago. I've got the 49 days under my belt........60 days is just around the corner and I can truly look forward to the time I can say it's been years sober.

I am just plain a$$ happy about this turn of events in my life.

Thank you to all here.

Scott

djfriedm

Well...the constant support and love of HunnyBee...who stood by me through everything. She really helped me realize I had a problem and needed to do something about it. Really it just came down to some realizations with her help and finally agreeing that I would feel better having quit.