Phil215

So I’ve been married with my wife for 12 years and have 3 beautiful little girls all under 8. We’ve been together for 18 years. My wife struggles with alcohol and severe mental issues. She’s tried suicide 3 times and has been to rehab over a dozen times. Most recently she was arrested for dui and luckily it was only her first time and she actually was broke down with flat tire and cop pulled over to help her.

well after that happened my father suddenly passed away and she was drunk again after being sober for 6 months. She was away in sober living house from August till December then was sober at home from December till March. Well I told her she needed to go away again and that I was done with her this time. I’ve basically been a single parent.

I said some hurtful things and I honestly meant them at the time. Well once she was away I was concerned for her safety and mental health. I called the rehab facility to check in on her. I felt so bad how I let her leave this time. When she’s sober our marriage is great. We’ve never cheated and barely fight. Unless it’s involving her addiction.

so when she gets out last week I find out she met someone in rehab and she said she cares about him. I said to her that I wanted to work on our marriage and het
counsleing and she said she didn’t know I felt that way cause I let her be rehab by herself no visitors for 37 days. I did call the rehab place multiple times but it turns out they didn’t tell her.

Now she’s telling me she doesn’t know what she wants cause of this guy in rehab. And I’m still home raising our girls on my own with no idea what to do. She’s currently staying at a relatives house but I fear this is just her attaching to a different addiction and having an emotional affair with this guy. Or is it I should accept what has happened and try and move on. I love my wife with all heart. I want to grow old with her and help her in her recovery.

i feel like im partially to blame for her failures in sobriety behave when she’d go away I just assumed she’d either come home sober or would relapse. I never tried to help her emotionally with her addiction I guess. I was always worried about working and taking care of the kids and paying the bills.

just looking for some advice on what to do.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Phil

I moved your thread to Newcomers for more response, but you also might like to read and re-post in our Family and Friends forums too.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Rehab romances don't tend to last in the real world.

I don't know what other advice to give you except to say it sounds like your wife is resentful and isn't sure which way she wants to leap, which must be awfully hard on your children.

I'd make your kids your priority and guiding principle - do whatever you think is best for them?

D

VikingGF

Welcome Phil, sorry for what brings you here. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but there will be so many others who will. Just wanted to say you are in the right place, lots of experience resides on these boards.

Pekelover2

Hi Phil. I wish that I could offer you some words of advice. I don’t know much about rehab relationships. But I wanted to commend you on being such an amazing father to your children. You’re a strong individual and they’re lucky to have you.
Others will offer you some wisdom I’m sure.
Stay strong. Things will get better.

fishkiller

None of it is your fault. She is an addict.
As far as the rehab romance, that would be it for me.
I feel for you and your wife but there are kids involved and she is being a typical selfish addict with no concern for anyone but herself and her booze. Yes, I believe this new guy is a replacement for the booze. No it probably won't last. The new guy or her sobriety.
Sounds like she is just not ready.
Until she is ready there is not much we can do.
Set some boundaries. Take care of your children.

Sorry for your situation

novips

Go to Al-Anon: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/

wyrd

The way you describe what's happening, I think whether you think you did all you could is beside the point. Remember the three Cs, you didn't cause her addiction, you can't control it, and neither can you cure it. It was your dad that passed away; it was her who relapsed, and relapsed again. That's why you held the fort so she could go to rehab, and it's entirely up to her to decide if she's had enough.

I'd have second thoughts about supporting her further with so much on your plate. All this pain must be taking its toll on all of you, and now more than ever the kids need a dad who isn't tearing himself apart over something he has no control over. Sorry for sounding so dramatic, but that's what boundaries are for. Set some and take care of yourself.

DriGuy

Sorry to hear this. Others have laid it out pretty well, I think. Some things are just way out of our control. Worse yet, even as main characters in the drama, we often can't understand it. I would give her space, permanent space if she's not coming back. Alcoholics are risky partners. This could be a blessing, albeit a painful one.

Maybe she will be back. This could be a good thing or bad thing. At some point, you will need to make your own decision about where you will take your own life, but I would give it more time. This thing will not be resolved in the next two weeks, and I wouldn't start burning bridges yet. Of course this is up to you as you gauge your own tolerance level for this sort of conflict.

Anna

Phil, I'm sorry for your situation. Your wife is feeling resentment and acting out. I think you need to give a lot of thought to what you want out of this relationship. Focus on your children and yourself.

Hevyn

Great to have you here, Phil. I'm very sorry for the painful things you've gone through due to your wife's addiction.

I agree that none of this has been caused by anything you said or did. Her behavior is due to her addiction. I think Al-Anon would be a good thing, as novips suggested.

I hope being here & talking about this will help.

DeplorableDog

Phil, I will start by saying I personally never experienced anything like this. My best friend, I will call him Bob, in high school, best man at my wedding did experience something that sounds similar though. Bob was a bouncer and the girl he married was a dancer at a strip club when he met her. For years it seemed she turned her life around. They moved off to the tourist hotspot Branson Missouri together and even opened a restaurant. They had three children and from the outside it seemed everything was good. However she had started drinking and even doing marijuana again. Bob tried to put her in rehab multiple times but then she fell for a guy in rehab. To make a long story short she was hanging out with him when him and two of his friends robbed a convenience store in Mississippi. She stayed in the car but in Mississippi like in a lot of other states she was labeled an accomplice and was guilty by being with them of the same felonies. She spent six years in prison and she surrendered full custody of the children to Bob so they were not taken by the state.

She moved back here to be close to her children when she got out of prison but Bob would never take her back. Bob wanted to give her a chance but felt like the children had already had enough. Bob did not want to accept her, be potentially remarried to her and face maybe losing full custody of the children if it came up again. So, I'm not telling you what to do because I have never been there myself. I just suggest you begin focusing on what is best for the children and what is best for you. There are very low odds of both her and the rehab fling both staying clean. She may come running to you when he fails. Or they may fail together and she sticks with him because if he can drink so can she.

My wife and I are now good friends with both Bob and his ex wife who served 6 years in Mississippi. Of course we don't see her on a daily basis but she seems to be cleaned up and living a stable alcohol free drug free life. We have known them for over thirty years though and she has only been clean approximately ten years. By the time she got clean her kids were almost grown. This stuff does not usually go away overnight. I'm not trying to scare you. I am just stating what you are probably up against.

zoobadger

Twelve stints in rehab and still using doesn't sound promising. You mentioned counseling. Are you getting any help on your own? That might be a good idea - talk this over with a professional. You need to look out for yourself and your kids, first and foremost.

I think if you were my sibling or a close friend, I'd be relieved if you took over primary custody of the kids and split from your wife. Based on what you wrote, my primary concern is about her being alone with the kids without supervision.