Fricks Thread Pt 2 (was 'I am utterly defeated')
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Snow day for the kids. What the fe-ock is the deal with all this snow? I like snow and even I'm kinda sick of it. They don't maintain the roads here so I actually almost got stuck yesterday in my neighborhood. I'm lucky I have 2 cars, one is a 4 wheel drive. What of the people that don't? Guess they get to stay home! We have about 18 inches of accumulation, which is not much, but if the roads aren't plowed that can get challenging. And people are really lousy snow drivers. Oh well...more shoveling.
4 months, 17 days sober. Doing well. My little addiction rumbles around in there, lets me know its still alive. Oh and it always will be, I know that. But its not driving the bus, my HP is.
The other day at a meeting a gal shared (who has 11 years) that she knows the time will come when nothing stands between her and a drink. So true. It simply will happen. That's when the HP comes in. Prayer, giving it over to god. Practicing increasing that conscious contact with God. Finally did step 3 last night....its not a problem for me anymore. I've realized that the book is designed to find God. Well it says that so it wasn't tough to figure out....but that message has always been kind of lost on me. Or rather, I didn't want to see it.
Now my problem is not God. Not saying I got that wired because I don't...I'm working on it daily. But my problem is actually trusting people. So my sponsor is working through step 3 with me like she has to convince me or help me to understand. She doesn't. I think she knows my problem is with people and the AA fellowship.
I frankly don't really like people. There I said it. I don't 'hate' people, its not that. I just don't really want any. Haha. That sounds awful. Yeah, I've been hurt and screwed over. So has everyone else. Most still have friends, lovers, partners. I don't. I sit in meetings, especially my H&I meetings, where people talk about their problems with friends and family. I'm thinking "I don't have that problem because I don't have any". Then I think "What the hell is wrong with me?". Then I get all judgey and think "that loser has friends". Oh man, that's terrible. But I'll think it. So what am I? And what kind of person doesn't even want friends? Doesn't want a partner? Wow look at me with the comparisons. Can't help it. Need to help it. Know I need to. Maybe its part of getting to know ME. I'm not trying to be someone this time around. I'm not trying to reinvent myself to fit something I think 'you' might like. Or someone that society says I should be. I'm simply being. That's different isn't it? Well for me it is.
When I was sober for a couple of years I spent the first year 'creating' myself. I know I knew I was doing it. But I didn't 'know' I was doing it. Or I didn't want to admit I was. I was becoming something. Well that something wasn't me. And let me tell ya, I became it really well. Had myself completely convinced. What a bunch of BS. And guess what? It all fell apart. I made every mistake in the book. Truly. I was one fit, attractive, well adjusted, non drinking stack of lies. I'm so full of BS its almost startling.
So now I'm just kind of being. I do the things l love to do like yoga and meditation. Mothering and homemaking. AA (love might be a strong word at this point). But other than that? Nothing. Each day follows the same flow, the same pattern. And I'm completely ok with it. Well that 's BS. I'm not. I guess I'm scared to change anything up. This is working, in a sense. Its calm, its predictable. Its easy. I like that. But I guess I'm biding my time right now.
So what to do? Well Frick, all that God talk and you're confused? Hello! Pray. Oh yeah, that. Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. The ole third step prayer pretty much lays it out there. Will I know when I'm ready to 'do' more? I hope so.
Guess I should talk more about this with my sponsor. I know what she'll say. Listen to me. Know it all. What a bunch of crap. I'm so full of crap.
Well, ok. That was a 360 rant. Right back where I started. What to do ? Clean the kitchen. Have a good day SR.
4 months, 17 days sober. Doing well. My little addiction rumbles around in there, lets me know its still alive. Oh and it always will be, I know that. But its not driving the bus, my HP is.
The other day at a meeting a gal shared (who has 11 years) that she knows the time will come when nothing stands between her and a drink. So true. It simply will happen. That's when the HP comes in. Prayer, giving it over to god. Practicing increasing that conscious contact with God. Finally did step 3 last night....its not a problem for me anymore. I've realized that the book is designed to find God. Well it says that so it wasn't tough to figure out....but that message has always been kind of lost on me. Or rather, I didn't want to see it.
Now my problem is not God. Not saying I got that wired because I don't...I'm working on it daily. But my problem is actually trusting people. So my sponsor is working through step 3 with me like she has to convince me or help me to understand. She doesn't. I think she knows my problem is with people and the AA fellowship.
I frankly don't really like people. There I said it. I don't 'hate' people, its not that. I just don't really want any. Haha. That sounds awful. Yeah, I've been hurt and screwed over. So has everyone else. Most still have friends, lovers, partners. I don't. I sit in meetings, especially my H&I meetings, where people talk about their problems with friends and family. I'm thinking "I don't have that problem because I don't have any". Then I think "What the hell is wrong with me?". Then I get all judgey and think "that loser has friends". Oh man, that's terrible. But I'll think it. So what am I? And what kind of person doesn't even want friends? Doesn't want a partner? Wow look at me with the comparisons. Can't help it. Need to help it. Know I need to. Maybe its part of getting to know ME. I'm not trying to be someone this time around. I'm not trying to reinvent myself to fit something I think 'you' might like. Or someone that society says I should be. I'm simply being. That's different isn't it? Well for me it is.
When I was sober for a couple of years I spent the first year 'creating' myself. I know I knew I was doing it. But I didn't 'know' I was doing it. Or I didn't want to admit I was. I was becoming something. Well that something wasn't me. And let me tell ya, I became it really well. Had myself completely convinced. What a bunch of BS. And guess what? It all fell apart. I made every mistake in the book. Truly. I was one fit, attractive, well adjusted, non drinking stack of lies. I'm so full of BS its almost startling.
So now I'm just kind of being. I do the things l love to do like yoga and meditation. Mothering and homemaking. AA (love might be a strong word at this point). But other than that? Nothing. Each day follows the same flow, the same pattern. And I'm completely ok with it. Well that 's BS. I'm not. I guess I'm scared to change anything up. This is working, in a sense. Its calm, its predictable. Its easy. I like that. But I guess I'm biding my time right now.
So what to do? Well Frick, all that God talk and you're confused? Hello! Pray. Oh yeah, that. Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. The ole third step prayer pretty much lays it out there. Will I know when I'm ready to 'do' more? I hope so.
Guess I should talk more about this with my sponsor. I know what she'll say. Listen to me. Know it all. What a bunch of crap. I'm so full of crap.
Well, ok. That was a 360 rant. Right back where I started. What to do ? Clean the kitchen. Have a good day SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
5 months today. Cool. Of course it is a 24 hour gig so its always day 1 in a way. I know its not my thinking that got me here. I've had some tough moments for sure. Health has been a challenge and that's probably the worst. But its all much easier sober...maybe not in the moment. But pretty soon after.
I focus continually on not working MY program, but working THE program. My program tends to involve drinking at some point.
Nobody will read this but that is ok. My sober 'time' is really for me only (not that I won't mention it elsewhere
). Counting days, not counting days, do relapses count etc etc. Don't understand the fuss. I do what works for me, and for others that have what I want. If I'm honest with me, I'm honest with my God.
I focus continually on not working MY program, but working THE program. My program tends to involve drinking at some point.
Nobody will read this but that is ok. My sober 'time' is really for me only (not that I won't mention it elsewhere
). Counting days, not counting days, do relapses count etc etc. Don't understand the fuss. I do what works for me, and for others that have what I want. If I'm honest with me, I'm honest with my God.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
After my meeting at 12 I'm going to start my step 4. About time.....we're moving slowly. I'm ok with that.
I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it. I'm going to try to detach from it and write all down without attaching to it....like its instructions for setting up my xbox or something
I still haven't decided if I want to do my 5th step with my sponsor....I'm thinking I'll do it with someone outside the program but I don't have a someone. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Seems like lots of people are relapsing here or having a really hard time. There are success stories too so that's good. It takes what it takes, right? I wish folks who are struggling would get help. Such a simple idea, but not so easy. Just makes me sad for them. If they are anything like me they cannot do this alone. But only they can decide for themselves, obviously
Don't really know why I'm posting this. Wanted to see myself think.
I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it. I'm going to try to detach from it and write all down without attaching to it....like its instructions for setting up my xbox or something
I still haven't decided if I want to do my 5th step with my sponsor....I'm thinking I'll do it with someone outside the program but I don't have a someone. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.Seems like lots of people are relapsing here or having a really hard time. There are success stories too so that's good. It takes what it takes, right? I wish folks who are struggling would get help. Such a simple idea, but not so easy. Just makes me sad for them. If they are anything like me they cannot do this alone. But only they can decide for themselves, obviously
Don't really know why I'm posting this. Wanted to see myself think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sunday morning. Dark, cold, sober. That part is so good. Enjoying my coffee.
Last night was so melodramatic. Good lord who knew raising a teen was so emotionally challenging. She's a great kid, and the drama is too long to go into....and really? If this is as 'bad' as it gets I'm a very lucky girl. After things died down I told her 'hey, at least the police aren't bringing you home after being caught at 4 am walking down the rail road tracks at 13 years old' (that would be me). Or having almost been killed in a horrible car accident at 15 while on mushrooms (left that part out)....that would be me. Or smoking weed and drinking starting at age 9...yeah that would be me. What she did was no big deal, really, but it caused a **** storm of emotion. She had a panic attack that scared the hell out of me. She is so busy with school and all her activities and she's driving herself so hard. She won't admit that she needs help or doesn't have it all under control. She fights me non stop. But last night she just broke down. In a way, it was good. I feel the walls are down and she's ready to admit she needs help. But she's so sick, poor baby. High fever so I'm gearing to take her to urgent care as soon as they open. She has thrush and possibly strep. Oh my I wish I could wave a magic wand over her and make her feel better. I love her more than I could ever imagine I could love anything. She's just so precious and amazing. Ah our babies. She will be fine. This will be fine. Perspective. A teen has zero. I have lots. I hope I can help her find a better way to view things.
I'm doing fine. Darn rash and candida are finally getting better. Much better actually. Such a relief. I was finally heading to a meeting yesterday and I got a flat tire. haha. Oh well. I'll get their tomorrow. My sobriety is not in jeopardy. I just feel out of sorts because of my kiddo.
I have a friend from rehab who keeps relapsing. She's completely unreachable in that she just simply can't accept or surrender. I think she's about 36 and she definitely feels she's 'better than' 'different than'. She feels she can 'customize' the program and it simply doesn't work that way. She reminds me of me 13 years ago. But she's falling fast, much faster than I did, and I'm frightened for her. But I can't do anything other than be there and carry the message. She told me she now needed to 'interview' sponsors. She asked me for a list of 'criteria'. I wanted to fall over both crying and laughing at the same time. I told her to pray. She looked at me like an alien. Maybe there should be sponsors.com...kind of like match.com. OMG.
I'm completely venting and rambling. Being a parent is the single most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Love on this level is so deeply changing and moving. But boy oh boy when they suffer it just hurts like hell.
Now hopefully I won't get whatever germ she has. The rash really was enough for now. God, protect my immune system. Please.
Love to you guys. Just rambling on......
Last night was so melodramatic. Good lord who knew raising a teen was so emotionally challenging. She's a great kid, and the drama is too long to go into....and really? If this is as 'bad' as it gets I'm a very lucky girl. After things died down I told her 'hey, at least the police aren't bringing you home after being caught at 4 am walking down the rail road tracks at 13 years old' (that would be me). Or having almost been killed in a horrible car accident at 15 while on mushrooms (left that part out)....that would be me. Or smoking weed and drinking starting at age 9...yeah that would be me. What she did was no big deal, really, but it caused a **** storm of emotion. She had a panic attack that scared the hell out of me. She is so busy with school and all her activities and she's driving herself so hard. She won't admit that she needs help or doesn't have it all under control. She fights me non stop. But last night she just broke down. In a way, it was good. I feel the walls are down and she's ready to admit she needs help. But she's so sick, poor baby. High fever so I'm gearing to take her to urgent care as soon as they open. She has thrush and possibly strep. Oh my I wish I could wave a magic wand over her and make her feel better. I love her more than I could ever imagine I could love anything. She's just so precious and amazing. Ah our babies. She will be fine. This will be fine. Perspective. A teen has zero. I have lots. I hope I can help her find a better way to view things.
I'm doing fine. Darn rash and candida are finally getting better. Much better actually. Such a relief. I was finally heading to a meeting yesterday and I got a flat tire. haha. Oh well. I'll get their tomorrow. My sobriety is not in jeopardy. I just feel out of sorts because of my kiddo.
I have a friend from rehab who keeps relapsing. She's completely unreachable in that she just simply can't accept or surrender. I think she's about 36 and she definitely feels she's 'better than' 'different than'. She feels she can 'customize' the program and it simply doesn't work that way. She reminds me of me 13 years ago. But she's falling fast, much faster than I did, and I'm frightened for her. But I can't do anything other than be there and carry the message. She told me she now needed to 'interview' sponsors. She asked me for a list of 'criteria'. I wanted to fall over both crying and laughing at the same time. I told her to pray. She looked at me like an alien. Maybe there should be sponsors.com...kind of like match.com. OMG.
I'm completely venting and rambling. Being a parent is the single most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Love on this level is so deeply changing and moving. But boy oh boy when they suffer it just hurts like hell.
Now hopefully I won't get whatever germ she has. The rash really was enough for now. God, protect my immune system. Please.
Love to you guys. Just rambling on......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Good morning
Well I took my 5th step last night. It went well. It was exhausting however. I slept like a ton of bricks last night. I kept thinking about it throughout the day.....normally, well 6 months ago, I would have let myself think. I would have latched onto the fear and anxiety and ran with it. So stupid. This time, each time I'd start mentally ruminating, I'd let it go. Stop. No control. It will be. God's got this. Funny how such a simple mental shift alters perspective so drastically. STOP thinking about everything so darn much.
But it went well. I have to do my 6/7th today. I'll do them this afternoon.
My sponsor is great. I'm really lucky to have her. I do think the sunlight of the spirit (and for anyone who isn't AA or anti AA that's going to sound really goofy) is shining on my recovery. I feel good.
Well I took my 5th step last night. It went well. It was exhausting however. I slept like a ton of bricks last night. I kept thinking about it throughout the day.....normally, well 6 months ago, I would have let myself think. I would have latched onto the fear and anxiety and ran with it. So stupid. This time, each time I'd start mentally ruminating, I'd let it go. Stop. No control. It will be. God's got this. Funny how such a simple mental shift alters perspective so drastically. STOP thinking about everything so darn much.
But it went well. I have to do my 6/7th today. I'll do them this afternoon.
My sponsor is great. I'm really lucky to have her. I do think the sunlight of the spirit (and for anyone who isn't AA or anti AA that's going to sound really goofy) is shining on my recovery. I feel good.
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