Keets

Made it home without any extra stops, need to remind the husband no drinking

Bobbieka

Good for you Keets. You can make it today. We'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

CaseyW

Good job, Keets! You can do this.

Enjoy your therapist appointment, Bobbieka. I'm sure your body will appreciate the chance to have a couple of extra days of healing before you subject it to falling down--um, I mean soccer--again.

Time for work. Hopefully it's a better shift than last night money-wise. Wishing everyone a safe and sober evening!

Spacegoat

Mine has been on holiday for 3 weeks and is back this week. Interesting development's.

Having been losing the plot a bit. Hey you bring a new meaning to the term 'soccer mom'

immri

Casey haha the Beast and the Burden made me laugh, I'm gonna use that. And to my complete surprise they seem to like each other's company, no issues at all. Except this little burden steals all of the beasts food and treats, but beast is too gentle and kind to tell him off. It's quite a comedy act. They also both have gas issues so that's delightful.
Love your avatar btw
Oh man and I just remembered I had a dream about old school Mario last night! I really want to play it now

clearlyheaded

Lillian – Congrats on 99 days!!! Anytime someone hits 99 days, I think of “99 Luftballoons”. I hope your confrontation at work went okay.

Kiki – thanks for your post about the losses you’ve seen. It drives home the point that this is out to kill us. And for your post on stretches of sobriety. You can do this! We all can

Kayak - 3 weeks!! *****!! I posted a picture in my personal photo album of me 4 years ago white water rating the Nolichucky River in TN. Add me to your friends list if you want a peak. I was an exhilarating trip.

Immri – Congrats on 90 days!!! Yay!!!

MITA – You are an inspiration in our class. And thank you for your thoughtful posts.

Sam – My heart hurts that you are hurting. I hope today was good to you. Keep up the good work. I’m really proud of you!

Fab – I used to love to write. There is something very cathartic about it. Hope it does your heart and mind good.

Ladybug – Sounds like a great day! I agree about going and getting checked out. If there are health things that you can work on, it will help you get a game plan together so you can see progress. If everything is good, it will put your mind at ease. The body is amazing at healing itself once we stop abusing it. I go for more blood work next month to see if things look any better.

Bobbie – thanks for being one our biggest cheerleaders. You rock

Missy – Congrats on 40 days!! I hope talking with your sponsor helped you feel more centered.

Purple – Thanks for that meme. It’s perfect!

Keets – good job on avoiding the liquor store. One day at a time!

Casey - As a matter of fact, you can! I pick up extra steps when I pet my dog, and when I twirl or brush my hair

clearlyheaded

Well, I tried going to that meeting today, but couldn't find it. I was bummed, but decided to spend the rest of the afternoon running some errands. I was out and about from 9 AM to 5 PM. I should sleep great tonight.

I'll try a different meeting tomorrow.

beerbgone

Only two episodes of BBT tonight. That'll mitigate my withdrawal symptoms somewhat from zero episodes last night but I really need another eight episode night!!!

KiKi0615

Hi guys,

I've been doing some deep thinking the past 24 hours or so. I have been "feeling my feelings" and trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me! I have come to the conclusion that I am depressed.

Alcohol is a depressant but people still use alcohol to numb the depression. Crazy, I know. Anyway....I am not drinking today and don't plan to, but like I said, I have been doing a lot of thinking. (which could be bad too! ha!)

So here is what I am thinking.....Our kids are growing up. They are all teenagers now. I gave up my career to raise them after they were born. A career that I worked hard to get. I am glad I have been home to raise them but now they don't need me as much. I actually keep having dreams that I am either pregnant or begging my doctor tell me it's ok to get pregnant to I know this stuff is in my subconcious as well.

My husband and I have a less than ideal marriage right now. He works all day and I am home. We have not been getting along very well. It's mostly my fault, to be honest.

I feel like I have no identity anymore and it's gonna just get worse as the kids start leaving for college in a year. What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna be? How the heck will I be able to live in our house with ONLY my husband? Why are the kids growing up so fast? Where did the time go?

WHO AM I??? I was a child, then a teen, then a college student, then an employee, then a fiance, then a wife, then a mom to baby 1, then baby 2, then baby 3. I am still and will always be a mom but they don't need me like they used to and they will be leaving the nest soon. WHAT WILL I DO? WHO WILL I BE? I have devoted the last 17 years of my life being a mom and taking care of the kids.

I feeling like I could cry as I read this so I KNOW I am right on track with my feelings. I KNOW these feelings are another reason I drank. I don't know what the point of me typing this out is other than wondering if anyone else relates???

I need to find myself again. I actually need to find myself for the first time ever! I don't think I have EVER really known who I am.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

clearlyheaded

Hugs, Kiki!! I don't have any words of comfort, but am glad you shared how you are feeling. I think a lot of moms facing kids on the cusp of leaving feel a lot of these same feelings. That doesn't make it any easier for you, I know. But maybe knowing that what you feel is normal will help you feel less alone? IDK, but I'm sending you lots of hugs!!

Keets

Kiki I feel the same way but with younger kids 6 8 and 12. I have devoted the last 12 years being a mom and quit my job to be with them. My youngest starts full day school next month and I will be alone for the first time in 12 years. I don't know who I am either. When I was on my longest sober time I was starting to find myself for the first time. I'm 30 years old and don't have any clue what I'm going to do now. I didn't set myself up in life to be anything else but a mom and wife it's scary to think about. Do I go back to work? Do I continue to stay home and play house wife/soccer mom? I don't know. I'm lost and have no clue or idea. Right my number one goal is to stay sober and not drink my days away. Maybe than I will have some clue what to do maybe the fog will lift for me when I'm clean and able to think clearly. I hope you can figure it out too. Being a mom and wife is the hardest job out there. It's hard to know what the next part of my life should be like because I don't know anything else.

KiKi0615

Thank you CH. You're probably right about most moms feeling the way I do as their kids get older. That's probably why alcoholism really soars in women in their 40's and divorce rates also sky rocket! We've been so focused on our kids for so long that we wake up one day not knowing who we are as an individual and not recognizing our spouses.

Anyway...it felt good to get it off my chest. I just need to stay sober, add exercise & AA fellowship for now and hopefully my spirits will start to lift.

Thank you for taking the time to post CH! Means more than you know!

KiKi0615

Thank you Keets! I remember when my youngest started full day kindergarten. I also remember that being when my drinking sky rocketed! I am not saying that to scare you, just to help you be prepared. I got a DUI that year and ended up staying sober for 5 plus years after that. I only went to AA for the first 2 years or so.

Anyway, be careful & surround yourself with support when your youngest goes to school full time. Idle time can be dangerous. I ended up basically living in AA meetings my first 2 years of sobriety and then watched a little boy for a neighbor while my kids were at school for a few years after that, so that helped (and I made a little money).

My number one goal right now is to stay sober too! I am also hoping the fog will lift. I will be pretty young (in comparison to most moms with kids my age) when my kids graduate so I may go back to college & get another degree. Who knows?

Maybe I don't know the answer right now because all God wants me to focus on is staying sober, healing and finding myself.

If we stay sober we have a "chance" at life, right?

Xo

KiKi0615

I agree about nutrition Fred! That's amazing that you've lost 30 lbs! I would like to lose a few for sure!!!

KiKi0615

I totally relate to getting triggered while out running errands Keets. I'm glad you are posting a lot!

The same thing happens to me when I walk into a bar. The bartender just brings me my "usual" drink. Pathetic. :-(

KiKi0615

As you can "read" I've been keeping my personal diary on SR today! Lol

KiKi0615

Good luck in therapy Bobbie!

KiKi0615

I hope you make LOTS of money Casey!!!

KiKi0615

Yay! At least there are 2! :-)

Keets

6:20 now only have a few more hours to go before I can say day 1 again. I do know what happened to me when I started to drink again it has become a pattern I'm learning to recognize. Little bit of a back story, back in May I was very focused on my veggie garden and it was doing great. I had planted everything from seeds and for the first time I did something right and everything sprouted and grew sooo big. Fast foreword to two weeks ago we got hail from hell just in our neighborhood. It broke many windows on our street including ours and even 20+ cars had busted windows and damage. We currently need a new roof and 7+ new windows and at her repairs as well. So I'm sure you can imagine the damage it did to my garden. It was such a mess and put me back into the cycle of being unmotivated and not caring anymore. Here in Colorado it's sort of too late to redo my veggie plants so I just let it go. What does that have to do with drinking? Well I am know to go all in or nothing at all with everything. What I mean is when I don't drink I go all out and go to aa as much as j can and I read about it all day long, I eat clean, I work out, I have a very very clean house ect... When I'm not all in I'm all out there is no I between I drink every night, eat fast food, smoke, sleep during the day, don't cook or clean ect... Well with what happened with my garden put me back to where I was all out. So today I went to aa and cleaned up my garden and I know it might be too late planted some more seeds in hopes for a late crop. So where I'm going with this is I'm breaking the cycle and putting myself "in" but not all in just trying to pick myself back up and do one thing at a time. I need to realize when I quit drinking I don't have to be "all in" with everything it sets me up for failure when one thing slips so does everything else. I have such high expectations for myself and that is so bad right now. It's ok to let the house get a little dirty but still not drink if that makes sense? I would love to learn how to balance things so if one thing slips not everything does.

Wow I'm sorry that got long if your with me still lol thanks for reading just trying to make sense of things at the moment and it felt good to put it out there.