Soberpotamus

Take care, drink some fluids, and get some rest, Angie. We still love you!

Upward2Enlightenment

Don't give up or lose hope Angie. You can beat this.

Angie247

I am up with dry heaving and sweats. I am disgusted with myself. I'm trying to drink some water but it's hard with the heaving. I can't sleep because my heart is pounding out of my chest and the fan isn't keeping me cool enough. I drank 3 of those big cans. Have to be at work tomorrow and I'm a mess tonight. Managed to take a quick shower but it exhausted me. Why did I do this?! Why do I always mess things up?

OldTomato

I hope you're feeling better now Angie, drinking is no fun at all. Remember to stay hydrated today.

gleefan

I used to look for the reasons I drank but people advices me that it was actually pretty simple - I drank because I'm an alcoholic.

I found relief from the obsession to drink by finding a different way to live. The key for staying sober for me has been to build a sober toolbox that I dig in and use - every day.

For me that includes checking into my class threads on SR, discussing my issues, responding to other people who share about theirs, going to AA meetings, sharing at AA, taking on service commitments like coffee maker, finding a sponsor, and working on the 12 steps. I don't do everything every day, but I do something every day.

None of this is beyond you, but you have to go out and get it!

Angie247

Last night was horrible. I had that crazy anxiety for a few hours and that's just not a pleasant thing to go through. I am lucky if I got an hour of sleep. This morning it's not as bad. I'm having some trembling in my fingers and of course I don't feel well but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Definitely not worth the drink. I'm ready for work as much as I can be. Luckily, the after drinking anxiety has pretty much left and I hope it doesn't come back.

CaseyW

You're in my thoughts this morning, Angie.

Soberpotamus

It's addiction, Angie. Just the nature of it. You aren't a bad person, though. I know it's easy to beat yourself up the morning after (days and weeks after, too).

Don't try too hard to figure out why ... I know that's easier said than done. Goodness knows, I was the queen of 'why's' and 'how's' and all that...

Please keep hope and faith and determination that you can indeed quit for good. Many of us have done it and we're here to tell you that you can do it, too.

Important thing is to get through the day so you can get more rest tonight. Hang in there.

Angie247

Thank you all so much everyone. Two hours have gone by and they didn't really drag. I'm on the scanner today which is the best thing for me. Don't really have to think so much, just lots of repetitive stuff. My symptoms now, still have trembling in fingers, feels like my mouth is twitching some, some anxiety and a little paranoia. Oh yeah and I have cotton mouth and I'm irritable and I don't want to make chit chat with my coworker's. I deserve every bit of this though and I'm so angry at myself. I want to go cry but I've got to get over that and just get through this day without having a meltdown. I'm sipping on water but the thought of food makes me ill. I hate alcohol so much but that didn't stop me from not reaching out before I gave the clerk my debit card.

gleefan

Try a meeting tonight. Best choice I ever made. Also the hardest time I ever had walking into a room!

Soberpotamus

I made a list (doesn't have to be long) of things I would do instead of drink. It's imperative to have a go-to activity or thing you're going to do instead of getting in the car and driving to the liquor store. For me, it was chat online with other people in recovery, read recovery-related materials (or fun stuff), walk, eat, drink seltzer or coffee or tea, go to IOP classes daily, and SR reading and posting.

I think you have to reframe things in your mind to begin to see that living sober is a viable way to live and that reaching for the alcohol is always a setback. You have to believe that you can live sober, happily. Maybe not at first, but it's achievable. It's not a sentence to misery. You will need to accept that you'll learn to tolerate frustration, anger, sadness, boredom ... all of it, while sober. You really can do it!

Angie247

Two more hours. Starting to feel more human. I hate all the twitching still but I knew what I was getting myself into.

Angie247

I want to thank all of you for your responses, and support. As of right now, the only thing that I'm feeling is extreme fatigue and an incredible amount of disappointment in myself. I'm going to go to sleep tonight and tomorrow, start this over again. When I drink, I know that it is almost impossible for me to stop and then the self loating starts along with the physical effects. I wouldn't even count today a day one even though I didn't drink but the effects were still there in full force. I don't want to do any more damage to my body from alcohol and I most certainly don't want to die from it. I'm just so disappointed.

Angie247

Woke up after a restful sleep and I'm feeling better. Still very tired and a bit headachy but much better than yesterday.

CaseyW

Glad you got some good sleep, Angie. Have a nice Thursday!

gleefan

Angie - I've been where you are, sick of repeating the same toxic patterns.

Many of us have found that we can live happy, peaceful lives free of addiction. Ive found for me that what at first felt like "hard work" truly has become a recipe for good living!

Let us know how you're doing!

Ipanema

My heart goes out to you, Angie! More and more information is coming out that a gene can be passed down thru the family that causes alcoholism. I see so much proof of this in my family and others. We pick up a drink and that one drink causes us to continue or become very uncomfortable. I know how I felt after one drink. That's the one that can kill us! Hang in there! You're strong!

CaseyW

How you doing today, Angie?

Upward2Enlightenment

I am also curious how you are doing Angie.

Angie247

Thank you everyone!! I am having a nice and sober Friday night. Alex is with me and we stayed outside while he rode his bike and played basketball. The neighbor kids were gone and I think that bummed him out a little but he kept wanting to stay out. We are (probably) going to go to the movies tomorrow to see the new ninja turtle movie. I bought us one of those little pools for our tiny backyard. It's just a little thing but he can lay in it and I can sit in it with him. I worked 6 am to 4pm today for a little overtime and I'll work 6am to 5pm on Monday. Thoughts of drinking come up but they go on by. Self loathing is still there but it's better. I promise to post when I'm close like i used to do. Planning on a nice weekend.