The Longest Journey...
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The Longest Journey...
... is between the head and the heart. At least, that's what I learned in recovery.
Prior to my drug addiction and recovery, I used to live almost entirely from my head. I could think and act in the world - I was great at school and great at my job, but not so great with relationships or anything emotional. I never felt compassion for people and sure as heck didn't know what humility was.
Then I fell into the hell of addiction and crawled out of that pit with little more than my life - my spirit was broken, my heart was shattered, my self-confidence lost. S L O W L Y I have been rebuilding my life - one step at a time. And, yup, it's true that we CAN come back, that we DO recover.
Today, almost 20 months into this clean and sober living deal, I am learning to live from my heart. And boy-oh-boy, is that HARD. I feel compassion and sorrow for others. My heart hurts.
I just got back from being with family over the weekend. I held to my own spiritual integrity and was able to be who I am and interact with the family as a responsible adult, instead of the 12 year old child as was my past pattern. But let me tell you - it took absolutely ALL of my energy to stay in that integrity, to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.
I look at my parents today and I feel so much sadness. They are so stuck in old beliefs and unhealthy patterns. That's such a tough way to live. I look at my sister who is 42 and not able to support herself or have any security in this world and I feel so much sadness.
As hard as my path has been (I wouldn't wish it on anyone!), at least I am coming out the other side with too many gifts to count - courage to change and deal with life on life's terms, a stronger spiritual connection, a new support family in recovery, willingness, faith, compassion, freedom from bondage, hope... and even joy.
As hard as my path has been (and still is some days
), it is so much easier than sitting in the complacency of a sad, hard life and feeling powerless to make it better.
Just needed to get some of this stuff out, family. Thanks for listening and being there for me.
Prior to my drug addiction and recovery, I used to live almost entirely from my head. I could think and act in the world - I was great at school and great at my job, but not so great with relationships or anything emotional. I never felt compassion for people and sure as heck didn't know what humility was.
Then I fell into the hell of addiction and crawled out of that pit with little more than my life - my spirit was broken, my heart was shattered, my self-confidence lost. S L O W L Y I have been rebuilding my life - one step at a time. And, yup, it's true that we CAN come back, that we DO recover.
Today, almost 20 months into this clean and sober living deal, I am learning to live from my heart. And boy-oh-boy, is that HARD. I feel compassion and sorrow for others. My heart hurts.
I just got back from being with family over the weekend. I held to my own spiritual integrity and was able to be who I am and interact with the family as a responsible adult, instead of the 12 year old child as was my past pattern. But let me tell you - it took absolutely ALL of my energy to stay in that integrity, to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.
I look at my parents today and I feel so much sadness. They are so stuck in old beliefs and unhealthy patterns. That's such a tough way to live. I look at my sister who is 42 and not able to support herself or have any security in this world and I feel so much sadness.
As hard as my path has been (I wouldn't wish it on anyone!), at least I am coming out the other side with too many gifts to count - courage to change and deal with life on life's terms, a stronger spiritual connection, a new support family in recovery, willingness, faith, compassion, freedom from bondage, hope... and even joy.
As hard as my path has been (and still is some days
), it is so much easier than sitting in the complacency of a sad, hard life and feeling powerless to make it better. Just needed to get some of this stuff out, family. Thanks for listening and being there for me.
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Sheesh...
Well, so much for humility and compassion. I am now squarely in EGO, righteous anger and rebellion. 
I just got off the phone with sis and somewhere in that conversation, she told me that she thinks I am judging her because she doesn't have a working car and her clothes are not very good. Sheesh. I am not judging her - she is judging herself. She also poked at the 12 step program - she thinks it is not very spiritually evolved and says she doesn't agree with me when I say we need to do the work to get better and heal. Oiy! What did I do? Yup, I stepped right up and said - well, as Dr. Phil would say, "how's that working for ya?" My bad. Bad, bad phinny!
Some days my recovery shines - some days I am just glad to get through it clean and sober and go to bed! I did NOT handle that with dignity or grace.
More will be revealed, I guess. More work to do on ME - not her, ME!
Ugh!
I just got off the phone with sis and somewhere in that conversation, she told me that she thinks I am judging her because she doesn't have a working car and her clothes are not very good. Sheesh. I am not judging her - she is judging herself. She also poked at the 12 step program - she thinks it is not very spiritually evolved and says she doesn't agree with me when I say we need to do the work to get better and heal. Oiy! What did I do? Yup, I stepped right up and said - well, as Dr. Phil would say, "how's that working for ya?" My bad. Bad, bad phinny!
Some days my recovery shines - some days I am just glad to get through it clean and sober and go to bed! I did NOT handle that with dignity or grace.
More will be revealed, I guess. More work to do on ME - not her, ME!
Ugh!
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Oh, my sweet friend, Phinny, how I can relate oh so very much!
Thank you so much for sharing that. I really needed to hear that I wasn't alone in my struggles. It sounds as if we come from very similar backgrounds, and are currently dealing with similar issues.
I prayed and prayed about keeping my cool on Mother's Day when we went on a picnic with my parents. Saturday morning I shared with my women's group, told on myself and my behavior of easily turning into that snotty 12-year-old child you spoke of in your first post, and asked the women to hold me accountable for my behavior, that I'd be telling on myself the following Saturday. Ya know, it worked. Mother's Day was absolutely beautiful! I felt such serenity and calmness. It was as if my NA shield protected me from any words that might hurt, and made it possible for me to hold my tongue instead of wanting to lash out like my old behavior would've wanted to. I was so excited to report back to the women the following Saturday about how great the day had gone. There was something about holding myself accountable to my NA sisters that seemed to work. I'm still pretty new in recovery (I'll be celebrating my one-year birthday June 4th) so who knows, I may be completely off base, but it sure seemed to work for me.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this, Phinny, but I just felt such a connection and identification with you and your share. I have to admit, you cracked me up with your Dr. Phil-ism, cuz I've been guilty of throwin' that one around myself!
But I think you were right when you said you thought your sister was basically judging herself and blaming it on you, because then she wouldn't have to look at herself and feel any accountability for the situation she's currently in.
I hope you'll keep this thread going, cuz it sure would help me a lot, and I'm sure we're not alone in this family/parental situation, either. I really appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share all that. Thank you, my NA sister!
Love, Kelly
Thank you so much for sharing that. I really needed to hear that I wasn't alone in my struggles. It sounds as if we come from very similar backgrounds, and are currently dealing with similar issues.
I prayed and prayed about keeping my cool on Mother's Day when we went on a picnic with my parents. Saturday morning I shared with my women's group, told on myself and my behavior of easily turning into that snotty 12-year-old child you spoke of in your first post, and asked the women to hold me accountable for my behavior, that I'd be telling on myself the following Saturday. Ya know, it worked. Mother's Day was absolutely beautiful! I felt such serenity and calmness. It was as if my NA shield protected me from any words that might hurt, and made it possible for me to hold my tongue instead of wanting to lash out like my old behavior would've wanted to. I was so excited to report back to the women the following Saturday about how great the day had gone. There was something about holding myself accountable to my NA sisters that seemed to work. I'm still pretty new in recovery (I'll be celebrating my one-year birthday June 4th) so who knows, I may be completely off base, but it sure seemed to work for me.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this, Phinny, but I just felt such a connection and identification with you and your share. I have to admit, you cracked me up with your Dr. Phil-ism, cuz I've been guilty of throwin' that one around myself!
But I think you were right when you said you thought your sister was basically judging herself and blaming it on you, because then she wouldn't have to look at herself and feel any accountability for the situation she's currently in. I hope you'll keep this thread going, cuz it sure would help me a lot, and I'm sure we're not alone in this family/parental situation, either. I really appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share all that. Thank you, my NA sister!
Love, Kelly
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wb Phinny, got kinda quiet around here without you 
Glad you kept your sanity and serenity with the fam, sorry 'bout your sis. Sounds like you are becoming an example of recovery and your sis is beginning to notice. Me thinks that is a good thing as it may help her find her own way.
You should be proud of yourself for doing so good
Mike
Glad you kept your sanity and serenity with the fam, sorry 'bout your sis. Sounds like you are becoming an example of recovery and your sis is beginning to notice. Me thinks that is a good thing as it may help her find her own way.
You should be proud of yourself for doing so good
Mike
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Aww Phinny, remember that we are only human, we are always going to make mistakes! It is what we do when we make a mistake that counts. Such as the other day, I had to really get a little verbal with my Lessor about the agreement that we had made. I was not rude, but I sure made it a point that I was right and that she was wrong. I felt as if I didn't do a very good job at the conversation, and when I mentioned that to her, she said that I did fine.
I guess we just need to remember that there will always be room for improvement! The day that we don't need room for improvement will be the day that we meet our maker. Sending good thoughts your way.
Love Vic
I guess we just need to remember that there will always be room for improvement! The day that we don't need room for improvement will be the day that we meet our maker. Sending good thoughts your way.
Love Vic
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Thanks, Kelly, Mike and Vic! Yup, yup it really is about progress. I can see where I took a giant step forward and also where I fell back into old feelings and behaviors. It's just so frustrating when I am trying so hard to HELP someone and they turn around and criticize ME. Damn... I hate that mirror. 
That mirror shows me that when someone is judging me, I also am judging them. I wasn't judging her for her poverty, but I sure was judging her for not being able to step up and take care of herself in the world (money, job, basic necessities).
To each her own - we ALL have our own path and challenges and gifts. I need to respect and honor that.
((((Kelly)))) Yes, it sure is a beautiful thing when we can apply what we learn in recovery and keep our own side of the street clean. I can relate to that inner peace you felt. That comes from focusing on OURSELVES, not the people, places and things around us, huh? I felt like I failed, but your post showed me the growth that is indeed happening.
Thanks, family of choice, for helping me deal a little bit more compassionately with my family of origin.
That mirror shows me that when someone is judging me, I also am judging them. I wasn't judging her for her poverty, but I sure was judging her for not being able to step up and take care of herself in the world (money, job, basic necessities).To each her own - we ALL have our own path and challenges and gifts. I need to respect and honor that.
((((Kelly)))) Yes, it sure is a beautiful thing when we can apply what we learn in recovery and keep our own side of the street clean. I can relate to that inner peace you felt. That comes from focusing on OURSELVES, not the people, places and things around us, huh? I felt like I failed, but your post showed me the growth that is indeed happening.
Thanks, family of choice, for helping me deal a little bit more compassionately with my family of origin.
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Wow. Thank you for writing this. I've been scared to get out of my head for fear of losing control. Very much like you in the end stages of your active addiction as you describe it Phinneas, I'm a master of external deception and a failure at internal integrity. The thought of exposing any of this (beyond writing here where I don't have to hide) intimidates me to the point of immobility. I'd rather hide from people, especially family, or any close relationships, than actually risk feeling anything. As much as it hurts my head to live this way, it seems worse to actually deal with the emotions and feelings that are associated with the truth. I've attempted truth before and that only seems to hurt others (family). So the modus operandi is "let them think whatever they want." But see how deceptive that is. Keeps me stuck.
What I hear you saying here is that oft repeated phrase, "To thine own self be true." Despite however anyone else plays or what they expect or demand or however disrespectful of others they may be, to focus inwardly on your own integrity and build outward from there. With the HEART at the core. My brain continues to tell me otherwise, but my brain has a drug problem so maybe it's not so reliable. I love what you wrote here, it's so hopeful. Thank you for this reminder there is hope for one's heart and spirit, even though with it may come hurt and pain. It's better than not feeling at all.
Originally Posted by Phinneas
To each her own - we ALL have our own path and challenges and gifts. I need to respect and honor that.
...that inner peace... comes from focusing on OURSELVES, not the people, places and things around us.
But let me tell you - it took absolutely ALL of my energy to stay in that integrity, to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.
It's true that we CAN come back, that we DO recover.
...that inner peace... comes from focusing on OURSELVES, not the people, places and things around us.
But let me tell you - it took absolutely ALL of my energy to stay in that integrity, to set and maintain appropriate boundaries.
It's true that we CAN come back, that we DO recover.
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Originally Posted by aloneagainor
What I hear you saying here is that oft repeated phrase, "To thine own self be true." Despite however anyone else plays or what they expect or demand or however disrespectful of others they may be, to focus inwardly on your own integrity and build outward from there. With the HEART at the core. My brain continues to tell me otherwise, but my brain has a drug problem so maybe it's not so reliable. ... there is hope for one's heart and spirit, even though with it may come hurt and pain. It's better than not feeling at all.
When I live in my head and am disconnected from my heart, I can talk myself into equal and opposite things and get so tangled up inside that I can't make heads or tails of anything. When the heart is engaged along with the head, I have an internal compass that guides my thoughts and behavior. I can FEEL again and yes, some of that is hard and yucky and painful, but I can also feel the good things, too. I can "feel" and "know" what is right, what is the next right thing, how to be present in relationships, and so on.
I don't know where I am going with all of that... just some more musings on the journey, I guess. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this and I think it's great we can have this conversation and live and learn from each other.
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I know where you're going "with all of that," as a reminder of the balance between head and heart that one must achieve to be whole, to feel connected, to know interconnectedness (higher power, unity with All, God). And, in the isolation of one's own thinking brain (especially when chemically distorted) it's just so difficult to see. I think we block our own way in that.
The internal compass. Again, blocked by design? This really is where I get stuck, distrusting self and others. I've heard and read it said that once we get some time away from active addiction that we can learn to trust our own judgments about what we feel and know, after the distortion generated by the disruption begins to settle down and the sickening waves aren't so violent and threatening. I'm just going on faith that that's true, which is why I appreciate reading of the internal confidence you felt when involved with your family this past week. All my familial relationships have disintegrated, in large part because I'm not there. I'm still not sure if I want to be there (there are reasons why I'm not), but that there's potential hope to do better in whatever comes next gives reason to give reintegration my serious best effort.
(I'd be at the ongoing online chat right now if I could figure out how to connect. Again...I give it another serious effort so perhaps to join in next Thursday.)
The internal compass. Again, blocked by design? This really is where I get stuck, distrusting self and others. I've heard and read it said that once we get some time away from active addiction that we can learn to trust our own judgments about what we feel and know, after the distortion generated by the disruption begins to settle down and the sickening waves aren't so violent and threatening. I'm just going on faith that that's true, which is why I appreciate reading of the internal confidence you felt when involved with your family this past week. All my familial relationships have disintegrated, in large part because I'm not there. I'm still not sure if I want to be there (there are reasons why I'm not), but that there's potential hope to do better in whatever comes next gives reason to give reintegration my serious best effort.
(I'd be at the ongoing online chat right now if I could figure out how to connect. Again...I give it another serious effort so perhaps to join in next Thursday.)
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Originally Posted by aloneagainor
I've heard and read it said that once we get some time away from active addiction that we can learn to trust our own judgments about what we feel and know, after the distortion generated by the disruption begins to settle down and the sickening waves aren't so violent and threatening. I'm just going on faith that that's true, which is why I appreciate reading of the internal confidence you felt when involved with your family this past week.
Once again, you've said it better than I could, aloneagainor.
Here is an alternate link to Chat if you have trouble getting in with the normal one - http://client0.sigmachat.com/sc.pl?id=44907
I am there now, but can only stay a few minutes!
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Thank you for being there (here)...I've never successfully logged on to a meeting, just get the tan screen. I see there are instructions on Newcomers forum, so I try again. People across SR are so patient with me as I try to figure things out....
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Most Excellent
Phinn,, man this thread is awesome brother , you nailed it, and alone is on the money too! I can totally Identify with the shimmering image,and the truth behind it(please ingnore the man behind the curtain, I am the great and powerful OZ) I though growing up self-lothing and already having addictive tendencies in place was considered smart, and athletic, I was on student counsel, played both football and wrestled, I was outwardly a above average child and in my mind I was twist and sick , and who would want to waste their time on a loser like me, I could be in a room full of people and still be alone. So if I can CONTROL how everyone and everything interacts with me,for my benefit all the way around then life is GOLD ,, NOT!! I have been working and being true to me has been as you said "a long Journey" but it is so freeing, losing the control issues has been hard, but so relaxing , I can just worry about Dean today, that is so much easier 
almost got it! but I also realise , growth is just that , change, and it happens at it's own pace and I need to remember that , because wanting it yesterday, is my old way and thinking. my willingness is the key to unlocking my acceptance today, because i only control ME and the rest will take care of it self, keep up the insperational thread , this hit home for me ,, Later Daze,, Dean
almost got it! but I also realise , growth is just that , change, and it happens at it's own pace and I need to remember that , because wanting it yesterday, is my old way and thinking. my willingness is the key to unlocking my acceptance today, because i only control ME and the rest will take care of it self, keep up the insperational thread , this hit home for me ,, Later Daze,, Dean Member
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Originally Posted by Thundar301
... almost got it! but I also realise , growth is just that , change, and it happens at it's own pace and I need to remember that , because wanting it yesterday, is my old way and thinking. my willingness is the key to unlocking my acceptance today, because i only control ME and the rest will take care of it self.
I have an oft repeated joke - "Never pray for patience!" 'Cause you'll GET IT! -lol
But the joke is on me because I have actually learned patience in recovery. I used to want patience NOW! I used to want recovery NOW! Today I see it as a journey that winds and meanders and sometimes throws me off of cliffs to make a point. But it's ALL recovery. Every day if I stay connected to god, the program and others in recovery, I learn something to help me on my way. Opening up my heart and letting myself feel emotions is definitely new and uncharted territory. Luckily I have tools and guides and people to support me.
What a strange, strange ride this is.
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Originally Posted by Thundar301
(please ignore the man behind the curtain, I am the great and powerful OZ)
A Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Originally Posted by Phinneas
Wow.
What a strange, strange ride this is.
What a strange, strange ride this is.
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