Rollarcoaster Ride
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Rollarcoaster Ride
Hi. This rollarcoaster ride is gonna get the best of me yet. Does it make sense that Im grateful for alot of things and am in a good mood except that I want to complain at the same time. Im stuck in the middle of being in a good mood and fustrated at the same time. Things are going pretty good at home and with my recovery. Its just that they say relapes can get you when you least expect it. To me the NA meetings are a really strong support and vital in recovery. Lately I can break down in tears over some of the most minor of things. Yesterday my bf whom is completly clean was really hard on me and really kind of mean. Well what can I expect. My drug using ways have made him hard and sceptical, and untrusting with very good reasons. But it seemed I just couldnt take it. He means well and is proud of my recovery. At the same time he doesnt want me to go to meetings because he thinks that would be a good way for me to hook up with more drug contacts. You have to see things from his point of view too. In my mind I can feel things getting the better of me and can see relapes coming and honest to God, I am TERRIFIED. I never wanted to use back in my using days. Now I still dont want to. Still dont have the urge or desires. I know exactly what I will lose. My bf, my kids, and my life. I know all this. But you know, I knew all this before. Ive learned my lesson and my God, you should see me now! I actually look good as in health wise, Ive been taking care of responsabilities, living a really good life with my bf and kids, I can even hold my kids, play with them, and put thm to bed, I could go on for hours for all the good things. But in the back of my mind there is that deep rooted fear of what if this gets to not matter enough. The what if's are driving me insane. Today, this very moment, if I found myself in a situation of drug use in my face, I could very easily turn my back, walk away and I damn sure would be on the phone to my bf. My bf loves me enough to not be mad for me calling and he would even come get me if nessecary, but he would be angry I had put myself in that position. I have completly changed my playmates and playgrounds and have shut out of my life anyone who used. Like I said before he is proud of my recover but we still have a long road to recovery for our relationship. Its only been 4 months. I know that just because I quit using doesnt repair all the damage done to me and also my family.Can I say again real quick how grateful I am today for being clean and for all the things I have? Im grateful. How can I tell him all this stuff that is going on in my head? The loving man that he is asked me yesterday why I was so emotional? He calmly asked me if I had used again because I havent been like this since I was using. If he only knew how much I seem to just fall apart. I answered him by telling him I couldnt put it into words right now and I didnt know why I was feeling what I was so depressed about. I spend alot of my days at home alone while the kids are at school and daycare and he is at work. I have my rehab on Monday Wednesday and Fridays from 9am to 12pm. There is a pretty big gap of time when I am alone. I am dependent on him for a vehicle and the money too. He wants me home unless Im at rehab. His way of thinking is that if I am out and about Im spending money he doesnt have and can get myself into trouble. How true on the money part and well I personall dont want to be out either. I have no desire to make friends unless its thru rehab or NA. At this stage of our relationship he doesnt trust me and my decisions. Trust is a very hard thing to earn back once Ive thrown it back in his face and I respect him enough to be patient and wait for forgiveness. I need the NA meetings but how can I get him to understand? How can I ask him for his car and more money to go? How selfish of me. This is my problem not his. I already feel the strain on our relationship cant with stand much more. He is still stuggling with why I did the drugs in the first place. I still dont understand why yet either. I hated using. There was no fun only a place to hide from phsyical and emotional pain. How can I tell him that I dont want to use ever again but am still afraid it might sneek up on me and get me when Im not looking. I feel like a little kid waiting for the boogy man to come. He knows that the is meetings for him like NarAnon and Alanon. He honestly cant make the meetings with all the responsabilities he has. Why should he burden himself more by going to meetings just to understand why his girlfriend has a drug problem. He will not go to meetings. I feel miserable inside and good on the outside. I am so grateful for the things that has been given to me and the things I have accomplished. I feel like Im not giving enough and I want to do more. I just dont feel like I am working my program of recovery. I feel like I am just living for whatever the day may bring. Well Ive carried on here long enough. I still feel like I am whining and still very selfish. How do I stop. I need help please.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Gwen wow you have a lot on your plate there that is for sure. I am sorry that your going through all of it at once, but that usually happens. For one thing I know your going to hate it but YOU"RE right where your suppose to be. You know you talked about the trust thing also and you know once trust is broken, it takes forever, even if you can get it back. The reason that I had the IF's is because in the NA Basic Text they talk about the what if's.
Gwen I don't know if he will ever understand, it is hard to understand the disease of addiction even for us to understand. How would someone that doesn't have it be able to even come close to understanding. And Gwen on asking him for the car to go to a meeting, yep you know as well as any of us that if we don't treat our disease with Meetings, Sponsors, Steps, Literature, Prayer, that we won't be able to have a life. We will probably end up dead or institution or jails. OH MYYYYYYYYYY...
I am here if you need to talk, I am sending a lot of good thoughts and peace your way.
Love Vic
Gwen I need the NA meetings but how can I get him to understand? How can I ask him for his car and more money to go? How selfish of me.
I am here if you need to talk, I am sending a lot of good thoughts and peace your way.
Love Vic
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by GwenMarie30
I was also wondering if anyone knew where I could find the work book on working the 12 Steps. I want to work on the first step. Any help would be appreciated.
need the NA meetings but how can I get him to understand? How can I ask him for his car and more money to go? How selfish of me.
Love Vic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
"At the same time he doesnt want me to go to meetings because he thinks that would be a good way for me to hook up with more drug contacts."
This sounds disingenuous to me. If he really cared about you, he'd want you to go to meetings. How are you going to stay clean without meetings? It sounds to me that he is possessive of you and jealous of the friends you have made or could make at meetings.
This sounds disingenuous to me. If he really cared about you, he'd want you to go to meetings. How are you going to stay clean without meetings? It sounds to me that he is possessive of you and jealous of the friends you have made or could make at meetings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: seattle
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by GwenMarie30
Can I say again real quick how grateful I am today for being clean and for all the things I have? Im grateful. How can I tell him all this stuff that is going on in my head? The loving man that he is asked me yesterday why I was so emotional? He calmly asked me if I had used again because I havent been like this since I was using. If he only knew how much I seem to just fall apart. I answered him by telling him I couldnt put it into words right now and I didnt know why I was feeling what I was so depressed about. .
Hi Gwenmarie,
First of all, good for! I think that sharing this stuff with others in recovery is a big move. Getting past the fear and seeking help! Good for you!
I just wanted to comment, that everyone of us had that emotional waking up in early recovery.
Its Normal.
It did feel like a rollercoaster ride for me, in the begining. The ups and downs smoothed out for me with time, step work and sharing with others who had been where i was helped me realize that my mind was "terribleizing" stuff, with the what ifs.
I needed to take the suggestion to take it easy on myself. In early recovery, i didnt have many tools to deal with my twisted thinking, yet. Others reminded me that feelings - will just pass. I dont have to act on them. Not to worry too much, just focus on my stepwork, and lean on the support of those in recovery.
In the big book, it says that we are without mental defense against the first drink...
That that power would have to come from a power higher then addiction, more powerful then ourselves. That begins with step 2. And a group of people recovering was definately better then my alone... I had to stop playing god, let god do that. Im not qualified...lol... If i dont pick up, i can be restored to sanity... If I do, things will certainly get worse. You dont need to pick up to see that. look around at those struggeling who havent yet surrendered. Yup, you can see them at meetings... too... Notice those that come, go out, come back, with still more horror stories... Be grateful for another clean day...
You're right where you should be, with this stuff, now.
The emotional stuff will even out with time. Its just exagirated alot in early recovery.
Hope this helped - Be well -
Aaron
Certified NA Counselor
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Newport Beach Ca., US
Posts: 458
Well... you asked for it so here goes, don't be surprised if I sound like your dad. Also it’s late for me so this is me having a rough go at feedback… 
First of all, look at what you've done with your life. You claim you don't have self-esteem, what have you done to develop and earn it? I suggest you take a good long, hard look at the hole you're in and what series of events "you by yourself" can take to be removed from it.
Recovery comes first, it must, else every other object of value in your life which already hangs in the balance is at risk, a risk definitely not in your favor. The BF, of which was mentioned in almost every other sentence, one must roll the dice of faith that if it was meant to be, he will conform and grow with you, offering any sensible help he can to allow you your sanity, peace of mind, self-esteem, and serenity.
If not, well, I am a single father aiming swiftly and precisely at redeveloping a new foundation from which I can build well into my second decade of recovery. I further understand the concept of self-esteem runs congruent to the principle of self-support. Education is one of the best tools I have found to form as a solid footing from which a multitude of projects can be erected.
If you do not already have a trade, or an education (degree or otherwise), it would be wise to consider. If you do have a trade and/or are certified, it might also be wise to advance. All of these can and often should be done with or without the help of the significant other, let him know you are serious about getting better.
There are often a multitude of agencies that work hard to help those who would work hard to help themselves. Think, think, think, of what you see yourself doing and being happy with when you grow up. Search your soul, pray asking for Guidance, meditate and listen for Direction - these will come as you put your house back in order. Take this newborn revelation and place all of your energy and genius into it, imagine you are the one that your next generation's 60 Minutes documentary will marvel over, telling them how you succeeded against all odds, overcoming any obstacles, and persevered “no matter what” peril you faced.
There is one caution I must reiterate, quests such as these, total reformation of conscience, character, and social standing is often uncomfortable for those around us. Change is difficult, for a partnership changes such as what I suggest are almost unimaginable – but yet they do happen every day amongst our fellows. Be prepared to take this newfound venture on your own, be grateful if others walk aside you.
andyaddict
Los Angeles
First of all, look at what you've done with your life. You claim you don't have self-esteem, what have you done to develop and earn it? I suggest you take a good long, hard look at the hole you're in and what series of events "you by yourself" can take to be removed from it.
Recovery comes first, it must, else every other object of value in your life which already hangs in the balance is at risk, a risk definitely not in your favor. The BF, of which was mentioned in almost every other sentence, one must roll the dice of faith that if it was meant to be, he will conform and grow with you, offering any sensible help he can to allow you your sanity, peace of mind, self-esteem, and serenity.
If not, well, I am a single father aiming swiftly and precisely at redeveloping a new foundation from which I can build well into my second decade of recovery. I further understand the concept of self-esteem runs congruent to the principle of self-support. Education is one of the best tools I have found to form as a solid footing from which a multitude of projects can be erected.
If you do not already have a trade, or an education (degree or otherwise), it would be wise to consider. If you do have a trade and/or are certified, it might also be wise to advance. All of these can and often should be done with or without the help of the significant other, let him know you are serious about getting better.
There are often a multitude of agencies that work hard to help those who would work hard to help themselves. Think, think, think, of what you see yourself doing and being happy with when you grow up. Search your soul, pray asking for Guidance, meditate and listen for Direction - these will come as you put your house back in order. Take this newborn revelation and place all of your energy and genius into it, imagine you are the one that your next generation's 60 Minutes documentary will marvel over, telling them how you succeeded against all odds, overcoming any obstacles, and persevered “no matter what” peril you faced.
There is one caution I must reiterate, quests such as these, total reformation of conscience, character, and social standing is often uncomfortable for those around us. Change is difficult, for a partnership changes such as what I suggest are almost unimaginable – but yet they do happen every day amongst our fellows. Be prepared to take this newfound venture on your own, be grateful if others walk aside you.
andyaddict
Los Angeles
A Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: MID-MICHIGAN
Posts: 221
Hello Gwen, look in the thread "How it works" there is step working guides there. When you get to meetings, get some phone numbers from some of the women there, I know you'll find someone who will be willing to give you some help, a ride , or just another friend in the program. Share what you're going through at the meeting , you might be startled how many people can relate to what you are dealing with and want to help you through it ,, but remember stick with the women ,, just to be safe. Good luck, and may your Higher Power bless you 
Certified NA Counselor
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Newport Beach Ca., US
Posts: 458
Originally Posted by Thundar301
but remember stick with the women
a
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Hi
Hello. I want to say thank you to each one of you for the thoughts and replies. I have read over each one several times since I posted and have been doing some serious thinking on what each of you said. I really apreciate the support and the help and the guidence. I took this to my counselor too. He is working with me now. I also found a sponsor today. 
I am learning acceptance and changing what I can for today. I have 120 days today too. As some of you can see from my post here that I am doing much better today. That ride has slowed down a bit and I want to thank you for your help. I am never alone with you all here. Thank you. You mean so much to me.
I am learning acceptance and changing what I can for today. I have 120 days today too. As some of you can see from my post here that I am doing much better today. That ride has slowed down a bit and I want to thank you for your help. I am never alone with you all here. Thank you. You mean so much to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Oh yeah I forgot...
I also want to say thanks for telling me where to find the 12 step woorkbook. I printed the first 3 steps to take to work with my counselor and sponsor. My recovery is safe today. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
GwenMarie--
Relationships with those close to us...without TRUST at the core, we have nothing. That foundation of trust, once shaken, or broken, takes such time to repair, or rebuild. What you write about your boyfriend losing trust in you, I can SO relate! I thought it important to be honest with my husband and finally last year informed him of the drugs I'd been using throughout our entire 13 year marriage without his knowledge. Shared some information we might not recover from. He doubted me before, but now distrusts me fundamentally, very jealous, extremely insecure. Hearing the truth only made it worse. And for his reactions I don't trust HIM with the truth. So we don't talk about it. Making it worse still. The responses to your story received here are so right on. Keep moving forward with what you need to do to progress ahead in recovery. Regardless of what insecurities your boyfriend exhibits, YOU know that you're doing what is necessary to be well. And until you are well, you won't have much of yourself to give to others anyway. So be well GwenMarie. I'm taking my own advice here as well. Thanks for prompting me to think along these lines. Blessed are these open lines of communication! The sharing of ideas and minds...incredibly appreciated.
Relationships with those close to us...without TRUST at the core, we have nothing. That foundation of trust, once shaken, or broken, takes such time to repair, or rebuild. What you write about your boyfriend losing trust in you, I can SO relate! I thought it important to be honest with my husband and finally last year informed him of the drugs I'd been using throughout our entire 13 year marriage without his knowledge. Shared some information we might not recover from. He doubted me before, but now distrusts me fundamentally, very jealous, extremely insecure. Hearing the truth only made it worse. And for his reactions I don't trust HIM with the truth. So we don't talk about it. Making it worse still. The responses to your story received here are so right on. Keep moving forward with what you need to do to progress ahead in recovery. Regardless of what insecurities your boyfriend exhibits, YOU know that you're doing what is necessary to be well. And until you are well, you won't have much of yourself to give to others anyway. So be well GwenMarie. I'm taking my own advice here as well. Thanks for prompting me to think along these lines. Blessed are these open lines of communication! The sharing of ideas and minds...incredibly appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Morning
I had a wonderful weekend with family. My boyfriend has been really mellow and receptive to my feelings lately. I have been able to open up with him and be completely honest. Had a birthday party at a hotel that had a pool and the kids had a great time. I am kinda kickin myself for not going to rehab yesterday. I got kids ready for school and it was raainy, had a bad headache and crohns disease was being active. I didnt feel well and went back to bed, slept another 5 hours after I had just slept for 9 hrs. That is old addict behavior for me. I should have gone. Instead I did work on my 1 Step. I want to go over it with my counselor before I share it here. I was wondering if there is anywhere on the board I can look in specific for those who are doing step work? Someone to chat with? Ok, today is a good day for me so far. I think I will hang around here today and listen.
Love Gwen
Love Gwen
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
