I found out why it's suggested no relationships in 1st year...
I'm an addict.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
I found out why it's suggested no relationships in 1st year...
Right now I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and **** on it.
Against the suggestion of my sponsor, I got into a relationship with a fellow addict. It was great, I love this girl. She is beautiful in her own way, funny, eccentric, wierd and crazy. She says she loves me. I let her move into my house with me and everything was going great, I was planning on taking her with me to portland.
For the last couple days she has been nodding out around the house, I told her I thought she was getting loaded and she assured me she wasn't, that they had changed up her meds and she was just adjusting. I fed into that b/c I wanted to believe it was true. I still couldn't look at her when she was all noddy.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from my roommate telling me that he found a burnt up coke can with dope residue in it. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I went home and I had an appointment with the realestate agent listing my house so I had to act as if nothing was wrong till she left. after that, I confronted sarah and told her she had to get out of my house. When we got in this relationship I made it very clear that if she got loaded, she would be ending the relationship. Of course she denied that it was hers and that she had been getting loaded, but pretty lies couldn't erase that coke can...
My roommate and I went to a meeting and I broke down there and couldn't stop crying, thank god for that meeting. I had to get all that out and I got alot of support from my friends there.
When I came home she was still packing her stuff, in slow motion since she was loaded again. (she claimed she wan't loaded) I saw her pack this my favorite shirt she has and I started crying again, she came and hugged me and I started bawling. I hate this, I hate crying, I hate feeling sad.
She called me this morning and told me that if she leaves it's permanant and to please not do this. All I could say was that she did this not me and I wish I could erase it all, but I couldn't and she was going to have to live with the consequences just like I have to live with mine.
I'm at work right now, and I'm crying at my desk. I'm waiting for my dad to get here so I can try to go home.
I am so hurt right now, but the one thing I'm 1000000% sure of is that getting loaded over it will only make things worse.
Against the suggestion of my sponsor, I got into a relationship with a fellow addict. It was great, I love this girl. She is beautiful in her own way, funny, eccentric, wierd and crazy. She says she loves me. I let her move into my house with me and everything was going great, I was planning on taking her with me to portland.
For the last couple days she has been nodding out around the house, I told her I thought she was getting loaded and she assured me she wasn't, that they had changed up her meds and she was just adjusting. I fed into that b/c I wanted to believe it was true. I still couldn't look at her when she was all noddy.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from my roommate telling me that he found a burnt up coke can with dope residue in it. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I went home and I had an appointment with the realestate agent listing my house so I had to act as if nothing was wrong till she left. after that, I confronted sarah and told her she had to get out of my house. When we got in this relationship I made it very clear that if she got loaded, she would be ending the relationship. Of course she denied that it was hers and that she had been getting loaded, but pretty lies couldn't erase that coke can...
My roommate and I went to a meeting and I broke down there and couldn't stop crying, thank god for that meeting. I had to get all that out and I got alot of support from my friends there.
When I came home she was still packing her stuff, in slow motion since she was loaded again. (she claimed she wan't loaded) I saw her pack this my favorite shirt she has and I started crying again, she came and hugged me and I started bawling. I hate this, I hate crying, I hate feeling sad.
She called me this morning and told me that if she leaves it's permanant and to please not do this. All I could say was that she did this not me and I wish I could erase it all, but I couldn't and she was going to have to live with the consequences just like I have to live with mine.
I'm at work right now, and I'm crying at my desk. I'm waiting for my dad to get here so I can try to go home.
I am so hurt right now, but the one thing I'm 1000000% sure of is that getting loaded over it will only make things worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
(((((((Blake))))))
I know that it hurts and words won't take the pain away. In fact the reality of the situation is that you are in pain for a reason. Part of The reason is that you care for someone who is still harmng themselves. You are a good guy.. just remember we can love the addict withoiut enabling the disease.
The real Sarah who lives insie and is still buried under all that denial loves you for trying to make a difference. Your recovery tells you the truth .. that it's quite possible you might get high before she gets clean.
Your integrity for following through on what you told her would happen has pissed off the disease. You are holding her accountable for her actions and this addict squirms when faced with unpleasant consequences for my frivolous decisions. The addict that is still using has only one option and that is to negotiate, rationalize, justify, plea bargain, and finally after all the disease best creative efforts fail....... folow through on the threat to leave and never look back. I'd bet anything that someday sarah will thank you for standing firm.
Again I'm sorry it has to be this way ... at least for now. You've been given a marvelous opportunity to learn and grow. In as crazy as it sounds.. take heart, rejoice that you are clean to recieve the gift, and know that your recovery is on path.
I know that it hurts and words won't take the pain away. In fact the reality of the situation is that you are in pain for a reason. Part of The reason is that you care for someone who is still harmng themselves. You are a good guy.. just remember we can love the addict withoiut enabling the disease.
The real Sarah who lives insie and is still buried under all that denial loves you for trying to make a difference. Your recovery tells you the truth .. that it's quite possible you might get high before she gets clean.
Your integrity for following through on what you told her would happen has pissed off the disease. You are holding her accountable for her actions and this addict squirms when faced with unpleasant consequences for my frivolous decisions. The addict that is still using has only one option and that is to negotiate, rationalize, justify, plea bargain, and finally after all the disease best creative efforts fail....... folow through on the threat to leave and never look back. I'd bet anything that someday sarah will thank you for standing firm.
Again I'm sorry it has to be this way ... at least for now. You've been given a marvelous opportunity to learn and grow. In as crazy as it sounds.. take heart, rejoice that you are clean to recieve the gift, and know that your recovery is on path.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Monroe LA
Posts: 14
Been there, done that, didn't feel any better about it than you do...
When it became obvious that she was using I told her she had to leave. While doing so I made it clear that my recovery came first, if it did not then I was not going to be worth squat to anyone as a using addict, this I had already proved to myself during active addiction. She had this idea that the relationship was the answer, that somehow recovery was going to rub off or be sexually transmitted or something, I dunno...She said she didn't understand, I said it was alright, I understand. She said that she thought that I loved her and I said that I did, but that in Narcotics Anonymous I had learned to love myself enough to to put up with having a using addict under my roof.
Stick to your resolve brother, and if it wavers, you know you have people around that will help.
When it became obvious that she was using I told her she had to leave. While doing so I made it clear that my recovery came first, if it did not then I was not going to be worth squat to anyone as a using addict, this I had already proved to myself during active addiction. She had this idea that the relationship was the answer, that somehow recovery was going to rub off or be sexually transmitted or something, I dunno...She said she didn't understand, I said it was alright, I understand. She said that she thought that I loved her and I said that I did, but that in Narcotics Anonymous I had learned to love myself enough to to put up with having a using addict under my roof.
Stick to your resolve brother, and if it wavers, you know you have people around that will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
Hey Blake- Been in your shoes, bro. It's very painful, very emotional and somehow we can see our HP's maybe doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. Upon the demise of this relationship I was in, the best gift I ever gave myself was 11 months off from dating, I tried to get a year, but I'm not perfect. I was able to get through 6 steps alone, without attached to anyone other than My HP, my sponsor and the guys in my support group. I found out who I really was and what I really wanted in a relationship with a woman. Just for today, I'm in a healthy relationship with a woman who's not one of us, but understands the disease and what recovery has given me. My experience has shown me that when I got through the pain of ending that relationship the spiritual awareness, the joy, the inner peace I have obtained, made it all worth the pain I went through. Hang in there, your not alone, never again.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
((Blake))
yeah, me too
we learn from our mistakes
i had to ask my boyfriend that moved in with me after treatment to leave,
we'd made a deal
if one of us gets high, we don't come home, and that ends our relationship
he got high, AND came home
it was horrible to see him like that
stupid me gave him another chance
he got high again
i told him he had to go
a week later he was sending me roses and telling me he wanted to come back
i had to stand my ground, that was last January or so
i finally had to tell him not to even call me anymore
i ran in to him a couple of weeks ago
he looks horibble
i can't save him, bottom line
i feel for him, i pray for him
bottom line i have to put my recovery first
i'm proud of you for doing the right thing
i know it hurts
stay strong Blake
hugs, Wendy
yeah, me too
we learn from our mistakes
i had to ask my boyfriend that moved in with me after treatment to leave,
we'd made a deal
if one of us gets high, we don't come home, and that ends our relationship
he got high, AND came home
it was horrible to see him like that
stupid me gave him another chance
he got high again
i told him he had to go
a week later he was sending me roses and telling me he wanted to come back
i had to stand my ground, that was last January or so
i finally had to tell him not to even call me anymore
i ran in to him a couple of weeks ago
he looks horibble
i can't save him, bottom line
i feel for him, i pray for him
bottom line i have to put my recovery first
i'm proud of you for doing the right thing
i know it hurts
stay strong Blake
hugs, Wendy
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Despite your pain Blake, I am glad to see that you had the courage to ask her to leave.
That's what recovery is about.......the ability to make the right decisions no matter how painful it is.......
That's what recovery is about.......the ability to make the right decisions no matter how painful it is.......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by Gooch
The real Sarah who lives inside and is still buried under all that denial loves you for trying to make a difference.
There is a real person, with a beating heart and feelings trapped inside that addiction.
It took big love to do what you did Blake.
Don't forget that.
NA Rocks!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Location Location
Posts: 517
((((Blake)))) 
I'm so sorry for your pain. But you did the right thing, and for that I'm extremely proud of you. I'm so glad you brought your share to your NA family. You know you're surrounded by people who love and care for you there (and here). Keep sharing, k? And I'm so happy to hear you say you know using right now will only make things worse. I sure admire you, Sweetie!
I'm so sorry for your pain. But you did the right thing, and for that I'm extremely proud of you. I'm so glad you brought your share to your NA family. You know you're surrounded by people who love and care for you there (and here). Keep sharing, k? And I'm so happy to hear you say you know using right now will only make things worse. I sure admire you, Sweetie!
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by Blake
My roommate and I went to a meeting and I broke down there and couldn't stop crying, thank god for that meeting. I had to get all that out and I got alot of support from my friends there.
I could share my story from early sobriety on this topic, but I ended up in the same place, at a meeting (AA, rather than NA) crying. I was chairing the meeting that morning. How timely. God is always taking good care of me, despite my best efforts to exercise my own will.
:tissue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
Sounds like a tough situation. Your recovery comes first. FYI--I broke the no relationshps rule in my 1st year. The first relationship I had was not good: I obsessed on the woman too much. The second (at 11 months clean time) has been great. It has lasted 20 years and we have been married for 17. My wife is not a drug addict/alcoholic, and I consider that a great blessing! She understands my problem and has been very supportive. Stay clean Blake, and things will work--you'll see!
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
((((((Blake))))))
I do feel for you man, but I truely believe that Gooch said it the best above all and we do have to remember that NONE of us has a garantee. This dis-ease will us whatever it can or who ever it can to get us back. One thing that I just want to add is not out of my words I really don't know if anything I say is origionall but "If we put anything about our sobriety, if we are lucky we will only loose that". This was true for me in the same situatuion in April of 2004 I put someone above my Program and I lost that person, but I ended up loosing my Program and I went back out and that was one month before my two years.
I believe that I just wanted the experience with that person, and I got it also. It was a hell of a price to pay, yes, but I am grateful for it today. I feel for you right now, just remember that she is still a good person and God don't make junk.
Love Vic
I do feel for you man, but I truely believe that Gooch said it the best above all and we do have to remember that NONE of us has a garantee. This dis-ease will us whatever it can or who ever it can to get us back. One thing that I just want to add is not out of my words I really don't know if anything I say is origionall but "If we put anything about our sobriety, if we are lucky we will only loose that". This was true for me in the same situatuion in April of 2004 I put someone above my Program and I lost that person, but I ended up loosing my Program and I went back out and that was one month before my two years.
I believe that I just wanted the experience with that person, and I got it also. It was a hell of a price to pay, yes, but I am grateful for it today. I feel for you right now, just remember that she is still a good person and God don't make junk.
Love Vic
I'm an addict.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
Hey yall,
Thanks for the support. I did go home after I posted this this morning and sarah was still there packing. She packed all day, and I just sat and watched her and cried. She couldn't look at me, but I couldn't take my eyes off her. She packed everything, all her stuff and she even went through my dresser and took all the letters she wrote me. She kept denying everything and told me that I didn't love her, b/c if I really did, I'd help her and forgive her. I told her that I can't help someone that doesn't want it. It was a really rough day for me, I prety much sat on my couch watching sarah in silence except for a few sobs. Finally around 4:30 she called a cab (I offered to give her a ride, but she refused) and I broke down again. She layed next to me on my sofa and held me and I held her and she started crying too. neither one of us could stop. It was sooooo hard to not say, "**** it, please stay, I love and forgive you" but I didn't say that. SHe asked again and I said no.
Since I was unable to utter any coherent words all day to her, I wrote her a letter and put it in her bag. Basically I told her that this was by far and away the hardest thing I have ever done since I got clean and that I love her. I love her so much that I'm willing to go through all this pain to try to do what is right for me and her. I told her how I do believe in a god (whom I choose to call billybob jinglebuns) and I firmly believe that as long as I do the next right thing in front of me (even if I hate it) everything will work out for the best. I told her how NA is my life, it is the only thing that I have ver found that has helped me stay off dope for an extended period of time and it works, so she should get back in the program where ever she ends up. I told her I am an addict too, so I know she isn't a bad person and I'm not mad at her, she is just sick. I have done some ****** up **** in my day and if I didn't believe it was because I was sick, I'd beat myself to death over it. same goes for her. I told her I still believe that we are meant to be together one day and I will allways love her. I don't want to end the friendship b/c the relationship is on hold, but I do need to give her space to work on herself for a while. I can't keep her clean no matter how much I wish I could. I told her not to hate me.
I'm typing all this out right now b/c I can't sleep. I miss her so much. I got used to her next to me. She makes this funny noise when she sleeps, kinda like she gets startled when she snores, i miss that. I miss her arm and leg over me. I miss her breath on my neck.
I ******* hate this disease.
on a happier note, my roommate picked up his year tonight. We went to the meeting and it put me in a better mood and we went and got some $30 steaks after the meeting with some fellow addicts at this nice restaurant, they kicked ass!!!!!!
I've been shown 2 different roads today that I have the option to go down, and for that I am greatful. Today I chose not to pick up and hopefully I'll be eating a nice thick juicy steak in portland come feb. 10th.
Thank yall for being here for me.
Blake
(I think I'm gonna go home now and start working on that 4th step I've been putting off for a few weeks.)
Thanks for the support. I did go home after I posted this this morning and sarah was still there packing. She packed all day, and I just sat and watched her and cried. She couldn't look at me, but I couldn't take my eyes off her. She packed everything, all her stuff and she even went through my dresser and took all the letters she wrote me. She kept denying everything and told me that I didn't love her, b/c if I really did, I'd help her and forgive her. I told her that I can't help someone that doesn't want it. It was a really rough day for me, I prety much sat on my couch watching sarah in silence except for a few sobs. Finally around 4:30 she called a cab (I offered to give her a ride, but she refused) and I broke down again. She layed next to me on my sofa and held me and I held her and she started crying too. neither one of us could stop. It was sooooo hard to not say, "**** it, please stay, I love and forgive you" but I didn't say that. SHe asked again and I said no.
Since I was unable to utter any coherent words all day to her, I wrote her a letter and put it in her bag. Basically I told her that this was by far and away the hardest thing I have ever done since I got clean and that I love her. I love her so much that I'm willing to go through all this pain to try to do what is right for me and her. I told her how I do believe in a god (whom I choose to call billybob jinglebuns) and I firmly believe that as long as I do the next right thing in front of me (even if I hate it) everything will work out for the best. I told her how NA is my life, it is the only thing that I have ver found that has helped me stay off dope for an extended period of time and it works, so she should get back in the program where ever she ends up. I told her I am an addict too, so I know she isn't a bad person and I'm not mad at her, she is just sick. I have done some ****** up **** in my day and if I didn't believe it was because I was sick, I'd beat myself to death over it. same goes for her. I told her I still believe that we are meant to be together one day and I will allways love her. I don't want to end the friendship b/c the relationship is on hold, but I do need to give her space to work on herself for a while. I can't keep her clean no matter how much I wish I could. I told her not to hate me.
I'm typing all this out right now b/c I can't sleep. I miss her so much. I got used to her next to me. She makes this funny noise when she sleeps, kinda like she gets startled when she snores, i miss that. I miss her arm and leg over me. I miss her breath on my neck.
I ******* hate this disease.
on a happier note, my roommate picked up his year tonight. We went to the meeting and it put me in a better mood and we went and got some $30 steaks after the meeting with some fellow addicts at this nice restaurant, they kicked ass!!!!!!
I've been shown 2 different roads today that I have the option to go down, and for that I am greatful. Today I chose not to pick up and hopefully I'll be eating a nice thick juicy steak in portland come feb. 10th.
Thank yall for being here for me.
Blake
(I think I'm gonna go home now and start working on that 4th step I've been putting off for a few weeks.)
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
((((((Blake))))))
I don't know what to say man, but I am so proud of you right now and I am so proud of the way that you are handeling this. I know that this is really tuff, I have been through it and I know that you will get through it also but this is not going to be easy. I know that I was in a mind f**** for a long time and I got over it really not to long ago, but this might be a good time just to sit down and breath in and out. I am thinking of you Man.
Love VIc
I don't know what to say man, but I am so proud of you right now and I am so proud of the way that you are handeling this. I know that this is really tuff, I have been through it and I know that you will get through it also but this is not going to be easy. I know that I was in a mind f**** for a long time and I got over it really not to long ago, but this might be a good time just to sit down and breath in and out. I am thinking of you Man.
Love VIc
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((Blake)))
I don't come in here very often, but I just wanted to say that your recovery is shining so bright. As an al-anon, I know how hard it is to make these tough decisions, but you know you are doing the right thing for both of you.
I don't come in here very often, but I just wanted to say that your recovery is shining so bright. As an al-anon, I know how hard it is to make these tough decisions, but you know you are doing the right thing for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Originally Posted by Blake
I am so hurt right now, but the one thing I'm 1000000% sure of is that getting loaded over it will only make things worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: waysouth
Posts: 388
Blake~
Reading this thread has left a terrible ache in my tummy, a real physical response to the pain you are going thru. It's probably a mixed up ache, partially the result of having the chance to get to know you a lil, thru reading your blog and posts here, watching your love for Sarah unfold, ane I'm sure (b/c I'm an egomaniac aswell)partailly b/c it reminds me of s similar painful event in my own life.
I don't want to say I feel sorry for you, ('cause that doesn't do damn bit of good, nor is itwhat u want) but I'm a girl, filled with way too much empathy, easily feeling others pain. It really breaks my heart, thinking of you watching her pack, so determined to do the right thing, even ifit hurts like all hell. You truely are an inspiration, Blake. I would never give myself enough credit to assume I could have made the same choice.
It feels like this is the first time I've faced how difficult real recovery is. I ramble on about the pain I feel, the 'hard choices' I've had to make, but you make me see I've got a long ways to go.
You represent true recovery to me. Next time I am inevitably faced with another tough choice, I will think of this time in your life, how wretchedly real you had to be in order to ensure your future in a dope free place.
You are a stand up guy, Blake, tough as hell. Every tear you shed is an honorable one, represntative of your true committment to a better life.
All my best~SS
Reading this thread has left a terrible ache in my tummy, a real physical response to the pain you are going thru. It's probably a mixed up ache, partially the result of having the chance to get to know you a lil, thru reading your blog and posts here, watching your love for Sarah unfold, ane I'm sure (b/c I'm an egomaniac aswell)partailly b/c it reminds me of s similar painful event in my own life.
I don't want to say I feel sorry for you, ('cause that doesn't do damn bit of good, nor is itwhat u want) but I'm a girl, filled with way too much empathy, easily feeling others pain. It really breaks my heart, thinking of you watching her pack, so determined to do the right thing, even ifit hurts like all hell. You truely are an inspiration, Blake. I would never give myself enough credit to assume I could have made the same choice.
It feels like this is the first time I've faced how difficult real recovery is. I ramble on about the pain I feel, the 'hard choices' I've had to make, but you make me see I've got a long ways to go.
You represent true recovery to me. Next time I am inevitably faced with another tough choice, I will think of this time in your life, how wretchedly real you had to be in order to ensure your future in a dope free place.
You are a stand up guy, Blake, tough as hell. Every tear you shed is an honorable one, represntative of your true committment to a better life.
All my best~SS
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