Where am I, where did I lose myself?
Bird on the rise
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Where am I, where did I lose myself?
I've recently moved back to an area where meetings are available, I'd been living in a rural area previously and was limited to online support. I have a long distance sponsor whom I got to meet f2f for the first time a few days ago and attended my first f2f meeting in quite a while with her and her and some of her sponsees and "the wise one" (you know who you are - lol) and it was good! I felt moved to tears being in a room full of people again and it felt safe. Yesterday I went to my first NA meeting alone and was shakey and terrified. I literally had to hold onto myself to keep from losing it. People were very warm and friendly and I got alot of hugs and it damned near freaked me out I didn't expect all that attention and I wanted to run outta there. I don't know what my deal is! I sat through that meeting by the skin of my teeth and the feelings got so intense I sat there thinking how badly I wanted to use just to make the intensity go away 
The other thing is that I've been numb otherwise as I've driven around town reacquainting myself with what had been home less than a year ago! I don't understand what the hell is going on with me! I damn near didn't make it to that meeting btw and I plan on going to the 7:00 meeting tonight and I'm concerned about how scared I am. I used to be terrified of being seen and I thought I'd gotten past it and now here it is again, my mind is afire with anxiety and the fear feels almost consuming.
If anyone has any pearls of wisdom to offer I'd really appreciate it I feel like I lost myself somewhere and am panicking somewhat.
Thanks
Marie
The other thing is that I've been numb otherwise as I've driven around town reacquainting myself with what had been home less than a year ago! I don't understand what the hell is going on with me! I damn near didn't make it to that meeting btw and I plan on going to the 7:00 meeting tonight and I'm concerned about how scared I am. I used to be terrified of being seen and I thought I'd gotten past it and now here it is again, my mind is afire with anxiety and the fear feels almost consuming.
If anyone has any pearls of wisdom to offer I'd really appreciate it I feel like I lost myself somewhere and am panicking somewhat.
Thanks
Marie
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Marie, Hang in there. Its new and you feel the attention right now. You will fit in, maybe something will click. Don't use NO MATTER WHAT, it will get better. Most of us do get scared with change, it's how we deal with it that growth comes out of it. Glad to see you post again.
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
MARIE DEEP BREATHS GIRL.I WAS SO FULL OF REMORSE BEFORE I WENT BACK TO MY F2F MTGS.,AFTER I GOT THERE I WAS NO LONGER ASHAMED,I WAS HOME!I WAS WALKING UP THE SIDEWALK TO THE MEETING,ABOUT 50 YARDS AWAY SOMEBODY YELLED TED, I KNEW RIGHT THEN I WOULD BE OKAY.A MEETING EVERY DAY SINCE,TONIGHT WILL BE NO EXCEPTION.WHATEVER IT TAKES I HAVE TO DO,THE ALTERNATIVE IS TO COSTLY.YOUR A STRONG SOUL MARIE,YOU WILL RISE ABOVE...............LOVE YA......ted 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Relocation.
It's enough to send anyone into a spiral of emotions. Throw into the equation that we are recovering addicts and you've got the recipe for a tense and anxious few 24s. I'll venture a guess that tonight's meeting will be easier than last night's. Why? Dunno. Call it a hunch.
Another thing may also be a certain degree of climax, or anticlimax, depending on one's perspective on such things as relocating and revisiting a place we left behind in an effort to change our lives in the first place. Small baby steps, you know how it goes. This move had been in the works for a while, and now that you're there, it's all of sudden very real no?
Marie.
You've come very far, both in a geographical sense and an emotional adventure of sorts. Add to that meeting up with the wise one, I'm surprised you're still coherent
I'm so glad you're there safe and doing the work.
Love and Light my dear.
It's enough to send anyone into a spiral of emotions. Throw into the equation that we are recovering addicts and you've got the recipe for a tense and anxious few 24s. I'll venture a guess that tonight's meeting will be easier than last night's. Why? Dunno. Call it a hunch.
Another thing may also be a certain degree of climax, or anticlimax, depending on one's perspective on such things as relocating and revisiting a place we left behind in an effort to change our lives in the first place. Small baby steps, you know how it goes. This move had been in the works for a while, and now that you're there, it's all of sudden very real no?
Marie.You've come very far, both in a geographical sense and an emotional adventure of sorts. Add to that meeting up with the wise one, I'm surprised you're still coherent
I'm so glad you're there safe and doing the work.
Love and Light my dear.
Bird on the rise
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
SR, my touchstone I SOOO LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
GOMS, Ted, Dan,
Thank you for your love and support!
"Most of us do get scared with change, it's how we deal with it that growth comes out of it. Glad to see you post again."
GOMS - staying clean, had thoughts, but drove myself home. It is good to be back on the boards!
"YOUR A STRONG SOUL MARIE,YOU WILL RISE ABOVE...............LOVE YA......ted"
Ted - Yeah I gotta call up some of that Phoenix energy eh! I'm so glad to see you back Ted!
Dan - Coherent, barely! That's what has wigged me out the most! Looking within for what I know on a heart and spiritual level and just finding confusion. Baby steps and how!
"This move had been in the works for a while, and now that you're there, it's all of sudden very real no?"
Indeed! As I drove into town I felt warm and was smiling. Visiting old haunts and driving around it has all begun to feel unreal mixed with the reality that I am here a formula for the twilight zone eh?
The good news is that SR and all my friends therein are still here and this place is a touchstone for me, a reminder of who I am reflected back to me by those who have come to know and care about me and for this I am deeply grateful. Just reading and responding to you guys has grounded me a little which is hugely relieving.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
:ilu
Marie - Novemberphoenix
GOMS, Ted, Dan,
Thank you for your love and support!
"Most of us do get scared with change, it's how we deal with it that growth comes out of it. Glad to see you post again."
GOMS - staying clean, had thoughts, but drove myself home. It is good to be back on the boards!
"YOUR A STRONG SOUL MARIE,YOU WILL RISE ABOVE...............LOVE YA......ted"
Ted - Yeah I gotta call up some of that Phoenix energy eh! I'm so glad to see you back Ted!
Dan - Coherent, barely! That's what has wigged me out the most! Looking within for what I know on a heart and spiritual level and just finding confusion. Baby steps and how!
"This move had been in the works for a while, and now that you're there, it's all of sudden very real no?"
Indeed! As I drove into town I felt warm and was smiling. Visiting old haunts and driving around it has all begun to feel unreal mixed with the reality that I am here a formula for the twilight zone eh?
The good news is that SR and all my friends therein are still here and this place is a touchstone for me, a reminder of who I am reflected back to me by those who have come to know and care about me and for this I am deeply grateful. Just reading and responding to you guys has grounded me a little which is hugely relieving.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
:iluMarie - Novemberphoenix
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
heh marie
wow!! takes me back big time to coming from rehab to my house again. Disembodied at the f2f meetings...and all my emotions seemed so big, so raw! thanks for posting - i had not thought of those days - i was less a time bomb, more like a near riot for a week or so. yep-
i just kept doing meetings.
over time that new routine became my new way of life-
"so long as i follow that way, I have nothing to fear"
hugs
mackat
wow!! takes me back big time to coming from rehab to my house again. Disembodied at the f2f meetings...and all my emotions seemed so big, so raw! thanks for posting - i had not thought of those days - i was less a time bomb, more like a near riot for a week or so. yep-
i just kept doing meetings.
over time that new routine became my new way of life-
"so long as i follow that way, I have nothing to fear"
hugs
mackat
Bird on the rise
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Thanks Mack!
I went to the 7:00 meeting tonight and it was good and I was ok thank God! Ran into a couple of people I knew and had some good conversation and felt way more grounded and in body driving home this evening - phew! Going to a 1:00 tomorrow, I'm going to try to hit a meeting everyday for the next while.
Marie
I went to the 7:00 meeting tonight and it was good and I was ok thank God! Ran into a couple of people I knew and had some good conversation and felt way more grounded and in body driving home this evening - phew! Going to a 1:00 tomorrow, I'm going to try to hit a meeting everyday for the next while.
Marie
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Marie, Doing good, and if you are like me you will end up doing more than you expected and will enjoy it as well. I live in an area where I stayed clean and went back to my hell more than once over the past so many years, Going back my anxieties where run a muck, once in the doors again, the fears and anxieties went away and I felt I made it back home. I don't have to check myself at the door, I'm right where I'm suposed to be today. Yes, Thank God as much as you can!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
HEY MACK'SBACK!
Good ta see ya, anticpating getting home so i can cath up, ( currently posting through a laptop abd slow cellphone connection from the park where we had the pg roast.) Trace and I are spending tonight and the park is nearly deserted. I really wanted to log in and say Hi to my long distance family even though we are supposed to be getting away from it all....
(can't get away from it all if you bring everything with you...lol)
Marie..I talked to D this morning before they left to go home and asked if you had made it the rest of the way ok. She told me she had talked to you and you were struggling a little with all the rapid changes. Rest assured you are in our thoughts and prayers as still a part of the NY family as the new family you will meet and get to love! ( If you feel frightened by anything remember those Michigan addicts put their pants on one leg at a time just like you and I and all the rest of the world... whenever i have felt unsure meeting new people, I've used the imagery of them sitting on the toilet to bring us to equal terms.... i almost laughed at a job interview once and was worried about how I would explain to the HR rep why i was chuckling)
We could use some prayers here in the Finger Lakes..... a lot happened here this weekend involving both individuals and threatening our public image and reputation of NA as a whole. I trust that the Boss will provide the guidance and direction we need, but our anonymity, serenity, and reputation were compromised, damaged, intruded upon and our unity was put to test by an outside agency.
I will expand on this after I have had the chance to digest the details versus my own perception and temper it with some meditation and sponsor feedback. ( and once I get back to a faster connection).
As far as I know the damge has been mostly emotional and spiritual principles will continue to get a good workout, seing us through to the other side.
Again I'm glad to see everyone here and will try to catch up whn I get home.
Marie you can call D and if you feel like talking I'm sure she will pass along my cell phone number.
Mack ou have a pm.
Good ta see ya, anticpating getting home so i can cath up, ( currently posting through a laptop abd slow cellphone connection from the park where we had the pg roast.) Trace and I are spending tonight and the park is nearly deserted. I really wanted to log in and say Hi to my long distance family even though we are supposed to be getting away from it all....
(can't get away from it all if you bring everything with you...lol)
Marie..I talked to D this morning before they left to go home and asked if you had made it the rest of the way ok. She told me she had talked to you and you were struggling a little with all the rapid changes. Rest assured you are in our thoughts and prayers as still a part of the NY family as the new family you will meet and get to love! ( If you feel frightened by anything remember those Michigan addicts put their pants on one leg at a time just like you and I and all the rest of the world... whenever i have felt unsure meeting new people, I've used the imagery of them sitting on the toilet to bring us to equal terms.... i almost laughed at a job interview once and was worried about how I would explain to the HR rep why i was chuckling)
We could use some prayers here in the Finger Lakes..... a lot happened here this weekend involving both individuals and threatening our public image and reputation of NA as a whole. I trust that the Boss will provide the guidance and direction we need, but our anonymity, serenity, and reputation were compromised, damaged, intruded upon and our unity was put to test by an outside agency.
I will expand on this after I have had the chance to digest the details versus my own perception and temper it with some meditation and sponsor feedback. ( and once I get back to a faster connection).
As far as I know the damge has been mostly emotional and spiritual principles will continue to get a good workout, seing us through to the other side.
Again I'm glad to see everyone here and will try to catch up whn I get home.
Marie you can call D and if you feel like talking I'm sure she will pass along my cell phone number.
Mack ou have a pm.
Bird on the rise
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Hey Gooch!
Prayers going out for all of you out in the Fingerlakes area. I'm doing better, have been to a meeting everyday and am slowly getting it together.
The challenge today is to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start filling out the applications that have been sitting on the table glaring at me. Don't know why those things are so daunting to me - well no I do know why, it's all about self worth and fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection and fear of not being up to showing up on the job. Sheesh! My job history is no great shakes and I'm afraid of my past coming up to bite me in the a$$. So I'm going to ask for prayers here to help me get past the False Evidence About Reality!
Okay that said it's time to grab a pen and get started
Prayers going out for all of you out in the Fingerlakes area. I'm doing better, have been to a meeting everyday and am slowly getting it together.
The challenge today is to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start filling out the applications that have been sitting on the table glaring at me. Don't know why those things are so daunting to me - well no I do know why, it's all about self worth and fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection and fear of not being up to showing up on the job. Sheesh! My job history is no great shakes and I'm afraid of my past coming up to bite me in the a$$. So I'm going to ask for prayers here to help me get past the False Evidence About Reality!
Okay that said it's time to grab a pen and get started
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Novemberphoenix
- well no I do know why, it's all about self worth and fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection
There's days isn't there, when the simplest things take on a size that scare the bejeezes out of me. Every day mundane things like job apps become a chore rather than an instrument of hope for a better future. That's when it's time to step out of the attic up there in my brain and look at the sunshine and smell the flowers. The proverbial self-kick in the ass! So yes Marie, prayers that you don't kick yourself too hard. You're in your new nest now. Time to decorate the walls with bright etchings. You know
And Gooch...
Find a purpose for the collective in the mess made by the few.
Bird on the rise
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Where am I, where did I loose myself - ongoing.
I went to a step meeting yesterday and we talked about the third step. It has been a much greater challenge for me to stay in touch with my Higher Power of late. Living with my daughter and her roomate and their comings and goings (plus boyfriends!) is disturbing to the flow of my day. There are alot more demands on me than I have had in quite a while and they are noisey! lol I'm feeling pretty tired today and I haven't had one night of undisturbed sleep since I got here. Add to that the on going job search and I have a recipe for loosing myself and my spiritual connection!
There is alot for me to turn over these days and I have to say I am grateful for the f2f meetings that allow me to be reminded of what is important today. Acceptance is the most important state of mind for me to focus on.
Accepting that I no longer have the solitude and quiet to which I am accustomed. Accepting that the outcome of my job search in is higher hands than mine and that worry serves no purpose but to disturb my serenity. Accepting that I am no longer the same person I was when I was living here a year ago. Accepting that other peoples sh*t is just that and that I need not take any of it on. Accepting that I can't control what others think of me nor can I control how they react in my presence, that I no longer have to become someone else in order to accomodate other people and their fears and expectations.
All I need do is remember who I am, and what it is that I have in front of me to do, go to meetings and most importantly reincorporate stillness into my day because that spiritual connection is what keeps me sane and serene.
Thank you all so much for being here, I am grateful for this place to share my thoughts and feelings.
Marie
There is alot for me to turn over these days and I have to say I am grateful for the f2f meetings that allow me to be reminded of what is important today. Acceptance is the most important state of mind for me to focus on.
Accepting that I no longer have the solitude and quiet to which I am accustomed. Accepting that the outcome of my job search in is higher hands than mine and that worry serves no purpose but to disturb my serenity. Accepting that I am no longer the same person I was when I was living here a year ago. Accepting that other peoples sh*t is just that and that I need not take any of it on. Accepting that I can't control what others think of me nor can I control how they react in my presence, that I no longer have to become someone else in order to accomodate other people and their fears and expectations.
All I need do is remember who I am, and what it is that I have in front of me to do, go to meetings and most importantly reincorporate stillness into my day because that spiritual connection is what keeps me sane and serene.
Thank you all so much for being here, I am grateful for this place to share my thoughts and feelings.
Marie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Novemberphoenix
All I need do is remember who I am, and what it is that I have in front of me to do, go to meetings and most importantly reincorporate stillness into my day because that spiritual connection is what keeps me sane and serene.
I hope that things will start to click for you in Michigan, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. It will get better.
James
love is a choice
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: richmond va
Posts: 31
Be strong Marie.
The more you go to the meetings, the less and less you will feel afraid.
Have faith in yourself, let your soul be filled with happiness.
Happiness, is inside of you, find it and use it.
Thanks for being there for me, I hope I can be there for you.
Take care my friend
sue
The more you go to the meetings, the less and less you will feel afraid.
Have faith in yourself, let your soul be filled with happiness.
Happiness, is inside of you, find it and use it.
Thanks for being there for me, I hope I can be there for you.
Take care my friend
sue
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