My sponsors new girlfriend is a thief!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
My sponsors new girlfriend is a thief!!!!!
My sponsor came up for the weekend with his new girlfriend to hangout. My girlfriend caught her searching through her purse, but never said anything until after they left and asked me not to say anything. How can I not mention this? What do I say when they wanna come visit again? I don't want her back at my place.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
eee yikes! that's quite the position to be in......
sadly it's likely going to be her word over your girlfriends, and chances are he may side with his g/f.
don't blame you for not wanting her back though! I'd likely have to say something but it's a tough call!
sadly it's likely going to be her word over your girlfriends, and chances are he may side with his g/f.
don't blame you for not wanting her back though! I'd likely have to say something but it's a tough call!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'd say something like "I really hate to have to say anything because it may have been a simple misunderstanding, but in the interest of us staying honest with each other, I feel like I have to tell you what my GF said she saw." Perhaps the woman thought it was her purse. Do the purses look anything alike at all? Or maybe she needed a lighter and was having a nicotine fit and you all were sleeping and she didn't want to bother you...something like that? Still doesn't excuse her doing that, but maybe a little less bothersome then stealing, for me.
If I didn't say anything to my sponsor about something this bad, I would feel dishonest. Even if he doesn't totally buy it at this time, it may put him on guard about giving her access to bank account info. And when in time, the girl does something else dishonest, as she likely will if she was indeed attempting to steal, your fact combined with the next incident may be enough to make him wary of her.
I'm trying to put myself in your sponsor's shoes, and yes, I would definitely want you to tell me. Even if I didn't know your gf well enough to totally believe her (because you are not the one who saw it!), I'd take a more careful look at my partner. At the very least, it'd put me on my guard. And I'm open minded enough that it wouldn't make me angry at you, because after all, you are only reporting second-hand observations.
For me, it's just too big a secret to keep in a relationship that's supposed to be about honestly and disclosure or it will not work.
Love,
KJ
If I didn't say anything to my sponsor about something this bad, I would feel dishonest. Even if he doesn't totally buy it at this time, it may put him on guard about giving her access to bank account info. And when in time, the girl does something else dishonest, as she likely will if she was indeed attempting to steal, your fact combined with the next incident may be enough to make him wary of her.
I'm trying to put myself in your sponsor's shoes, and yes, I would definitely want you to tell me. Even if I didn't know your gf well enough to totally believe her (because you are not the one who saw it!), I'd take a more careful look at my partner. At the very least, it'd put me on my guard. And I'm open minded enough that it wouldn't make me angry at you, because after all, you are only reporting second-hand observations.
For me, it's just too big a secret to keep in a relationship that's supposed to be about honestly and disclosure or it will not work.
Love,
KJ
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
If it is your home, then it is up to you what you will tolerate and what is not acceptable behavior. Being polite & kind in this matter could be as simple as saying, "We are very happy to have you come to our home, but would prefer you not bring the girlfriend next time. Maybe we could hang out together somewhere else and do something out in public?" Explanations for your decision need not be complicated or defined in detail. If you feel the need for clarity or direction, and are unsure with confronting your sponsor about this, get ahold of your Grandsponsor and discuss this situation with him.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
First of all, I will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I'll only share what I would do based on what I have done. In the end, you'll have to decide what's best.
If it were me, I'd be as frank and upfront about it as possible. My sponsor knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't make up something like this and that I'm only telling him for his protection, as well as my own. I'd tell him that my girlfriend said she saw his girlfriend going through her purse...and add nothing to it. No speculation...no justification...nothing. I wouldn't withhold the information out of fear, or in an attempt to avoid drama...it's too late for that. The drama was created when she allegedly went through the purse and got caught!! And once we begin discussing the matter, we could draw our conclusions and possible solutions. I wouldn't keep it a secret and allow it to become a wedge between us.
For all you know, your sponsor may already be aware that his girlfriend has "sticky fingers" and will not be surprised by what happened.
I'm curious though - do these two females know one another? Was there anything taken from the purse? Why doesn't your girlfriend want you to tell? Why didn't your girlfriend confront her when she was caught?
There just could be more to this than has been revealed.
If it were me, I'd be as frank and upfront about it as possible. My sponsor knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't make up something like this and that I'm only telling him for his protection, as well as my own. I'd tell him that my girlfriend said she saw his girlfriend going through her purse...and add nothing to it. No speculation...no justification...nothing. I wouldn't withhold the information out of fear, or in an attempt to avoid drama...it's too late for that. The drama was created when she allegedly went through the purse and got caught!! And once we begin discussing the matter, we could draw our conclusions and possible solutions. I wouldn't keep it a secret and allow it to become a wedge between us.
For all you know, your sponsor may already be aware that his girlfriend has "sticky fingers" and will not be surprised by what happened.
I'm curious though - do these two females know one another? Was there anything taken from the purse? Why doesn't your girlfriend want you to tell? Why didn't your girlfriend confront her when she was caught?
There just could be more to this than has been revealed.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Originally Posted by Gmoney 
Why didn't your girlfriend confront her when she was caught?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 320
My ESH is that anytime I add dishonesty to the situation, the situation turns out bad.
Open honest discussions about real grown up situations are difficult, however they are what a sponsor/sponsee relationship is built around.
Talking to your sponsor might save his girlfriends life. If my wife was in danger and could not recognize it I would sure hope someone would love me enough to tell me she was in danger. Being unaware of dishonest acting out behavior is dangerous. Good luck, prayers sent.
Open honest discussions about real grown up situations are difficult, however they are what a sponsor/sponsee relationship is built around.
Talking to your sponsor might save his girlfriends life. If my wife was in danger and could not recognize it I would sure hope someone would love me enough to tell me she was in danger. Being unaware of dishonest acting out behavior is dangerous. Good luck, prayers sent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
The purse thing has become ancient history, but the story keeps going. LOL He violated my trust the other day and shared some of my personal stuff with another member of the program. Not the first time this has happened, but was now the last. A sponsor I cant trust is unacceptable. I have a new sponsor now and he put me back on step one. As for the aleged theft? Not sure? I ended my relationship with my girlfriend a few days ago over an argument about me not wanting her drunk kin folks at my place partying. I live on a couple acres way out in the country with two houses, and do throw a lot of BBQs at my place. Besides my friend in NA/AA, I have other friends not in the program. I am very active in the ATV riding/racing world and have quite a few friends that ride and or race quads. Most of them do drink, but are also aware of my situation with my recovery. None of these people use drugs. I do not and will not hang with active drug users. They respect that and generally dont drink around me if I am at their house. If they do, its always been in moderation. When they are at my place they are drinking pop. Some may disagree with my theories on alcohol and having friends that drink. I do believe alcohol is a drug. At least for me it is. I know if I drink, I will not stop and it would only be a metter of time before I want a bag too. In order to get that bag, I will drive. So, I do not drink. On the other hand....for me, alcohol is everywhere. Its on TV, you cant walk in the store and grab a pop without walking by the beer. Go eat in a restraunt, and there is alcohol available. Quads are a very big part of my life. Unfortuneatly, very few in the program ride. So... yes, I do have a few friends that drink but still dont want drunks at my house. Does any of this make sense? Thanks for reading my rant and allowing me to vent. Have a good day. 
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 320
Makes tons of since to me. THe 12 steps enabled me to get "back into a life". They are not meant to lock me away from a life. Nor did our founders ever want us to be locked away. The 12 steps and the Fellowship has put my life back together.
Having people on my property breaking the law is not ok with me. That goes for any laws, using, guns, or whatever. This is simply common since stuff.
As for keeping the confindence of a sponsee. I only discuss my sponsee stuff with my sponsor "IF" I need too. It is sad some have to learn how to do this. I hope you gave your sponsor a reason you choose another sponsor....so he can learn and grow.
Keep up the good work.
Having people on my property breaking the law is not ok with me. That goes for any laws, using, guns, or whatever. This is simply common since stuff.
As for keeping the confindence of a sponsee. I only discuss my sponsee stuff with my sponsor "IF" I need too. It is sad some have to learn how to do this. I hope you gave your sponsor a reason you choose another sponsor....so he can learn and grow.
Keep up the good work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Thanks. Havent talked to my sponsor in several days. Hasnt been answering calls or texts lately. He has gotten a little weird the last 6 months or so. I think jealousy plays a big role. Since I got clean a lot has happened for me. I moved away from my old area, bought a beautiful place in the country, started a business, and met new friends. Now, I could go on and on about all the awesome things that have happened, but fact is... Its not like I bought a winning lottery ticket. I worked my butt off for everything I have. And thats not just the house and toys. Of course that stuff is all cool, but its just stuff. Its the inner peace I feel today. Its my connection with GOD today. Now, the cool part is anyone happening to be reading this can do the same things I have done. At one time I was totally strung out and slept under bridges, had warrants for my arrest, no vehicle or drivers license and was convinced I had no hope. Not true. Thank GOD I didnt give up. I let go and dedicated myself to my recovery and my life changed drasticly. So, to those of you reading this, I hope I can give you some hope whether you are struggling to get clean or have some time. Recovery is possible for anyone. I am here to testify that this is 100% true.
Narcotics Anonymous offers only one promise and that is freedom from active addiction, the solution that eluded us for so long. We will be freed from our self-made prisons.
In recovery, our ideas of fun change. We are now free to enjoy the simple things in life, like fellowship and living in harmony with nature. We now have become free to develop a new understanding of life. As we look back, we are grateful for our new life. It is so unlike the events that brought us here.
While using, we thought that we had fun and that non-users were deprived of it. Spirituality enables us to live to the fullest, feeling grateful for who we are and what we have done in life. Since the beginning of our recovery, we have found that joy doesn't come from material things, but from within ourselves. We find that when we lose self-obsession, we are able to understand what it means to be happy, joyous, and free. Indescribable joy comes from sharing from the heart; we no longer need to lie to gain acceptance.
Narcotics Anonymous offers addicts a program of recovery which is more than just a life without drugs. Not only is this way of life better than the hell we lived, it is better than any life we had ever known.
In recovery, our ideas of fun change. We are now free to enjoy the simple things in life, like fellowship and living in harmony with nature. We now have become free to develop a new understanding of life. As we look back, we are grateful for our new life. It is so unlike the events that brought us here.
While using, we thought that we had fun and that non-users were deprived of it. Spirituality enables us to live to the fullest, feeling grateful for who we are and what we have done in life. Since the beginning of our recovery, we have found that joy doesn't come from material things, but from within ourselves. We find that when we lose self-obsession, we are able to understand what it means to be happy, joyous, and free. Indescribable joy comes from sharing from the heart; we no longer need to lie to gain acceptance.
Narcotics Anonymous offers addicts a program of recovery which is more than just a life without drugs. Not only is this way of life better than the hell we lived, it is better than any life we had ever known.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1
Wow, T2S, that is a really moving testimonial for the power of God in recovery. I am very heartened by your story of homelessness turned around. I have also been terribly disillusioned by people who would rather hang out with thieves and hold themselves in "recovery" but are completely unwilling to acknowledge that "water seeks its own level" and when our intimate friends are thieves, chances are we are also doing something shady, whether lying to ourselves, or something else. I have been virtually ostracized from groups because I refused to put on the blinders when it came to a group member's stealing... even from the other group members!! I was amazed that people would say nothing, because (they say) they want to avoid DRAMA. So it enables the thief (in this case she was going through people's purses, homes and cars looking for prescription drugs and money) to get away with the behavior. She was also incredibly personable and pretended to care greatly about the very people she was stealing from. She was finally caught on video stealing, but it didn't make a bit of difference to the people in the group. They just hid their purses and car keys after that. I was the only one there that was in recovery, so I had to continue my recovery elsewhere. I hope my story ends up as yours has.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by kj3880
I'd say something like "I really hate to have to say anything because it may have been a simple misunderstanding, but in the interest of us staying honest with each other, I feel like I have to tell you what my GF said she saw."
Edit: attempted to delete this post after seeing that the OP thread is years old.
....Welcome to SR 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
