kj3880

Hi Family,

I'm kind of taking my own inventory this week. I had a horrible migraine that swallowed up most of last week. So now I'm looking for the sources of stress in my life like a detective. Because my body tells on me. I can bury the stress in busy-ness. I can bury it in talking, or working, or even in staying in meetings, but I am suspecting that my body has been forcing me to take a break from it by giving me a migraine.

I talked to my sponsor about this, and she suggested I take a look at my load of responsibility and my support network. Are they in balance? It doesn't look as though they are.

Right now, in my network, there are 5 women that regularly call me every day. Two of them are twenty years younger and kind of see me as their unofficial sponsor, since I have been advised by my sponsor that I am not ready to take on sponsees, but they still consult me in most decisions. Both of these women are in crisis this week.

Another woman calls me about twice a day from a mental hospital. She got my number 18 months ago at the only meeting she ever went to, and now that she's been institutionalized, she is seeking recovery. She is very obviously still not in touch with reality, but I try to give her at least 10 minutes each time she calls. She has nobody since her disease has burned through all her friends and family. To her, I am NA.

Daily, my sponsee sister, recently relapsed, calls to talk about what created the relapse situation.

My b/f, usually very supportive, lost his job last week due to complications from his disability and now, devoid of other options he is working on his disability claim and trying to get into job training for stroke victims sponsored by the state. So he is very frustrated, working through a slow and tedious system, and broke.

I'm taking a break from my family, since they are fussing and feuding over a brother-in-law's addiction. I'm taking some distance from that situation.

My daughter just hit me up for a loan because she didn't get approved for as much of a student grant as she needed this semester. I did my best to help her, because she is a pretty good kid.

My son is 16 and a handful. He is a special needs kid, has severe OCD and anxiety. He takes meds for it, but still suffers.

I supervise about 10 men at work, and that has it's own headaches. I have a lot of responsibility. I handled an incident that made the national news two weeks ago. There isn't a lot of room for error in my job.

I'm secretary at my home group, and I like doing it, but it can be very stressful, because I'm new at it.

I feel like my sponsor is the only person in my life right now that I can talk to. Everyone else, I'm responsible for, or their problems are so bad that mine sound silly next to them. I feel kind of spun out. Know what I mean?

I try to remember how blessed I am that I only have to listen to the problems, that they aren't mine. But it just feels lopsided. I feel kind of used up. Maybe I just need a vacation or a convention or something, because right now, I feel like the fellowship is sucking out my energy rather than feeding it. Has that ever happened to any of you?

Love,
KJ

huntsober

Yes I can relate...
Balance is key to health. I have searched for it for many years and found it time and time again. Conventions help, bacations do also...However what I find that helps more is allowing others to grow without my co-dependency. (not sayiny you are...just me) When I care for other more than me we both loose.

I sponsor guys but to do it effectively I must keep it at 4. I find that works for me...You will find your balance and what works for you. Stay in the light and stay open.
At the risk of sounding gay...LoL I love getting my nails and toes done after a hot soaking bath. My friends pick on me about that too...
Thanks for posting and remember easy does it...

REZ

Wow. You have a lot going on. As huntsober said, balance is the key. Some people can handle a lot of stress/activity in their life and even thrive on it. For others, too much stress can be disabling. Only you know the right balance for you. I sounds to me like it might be wise to cut back on some commitments, if you're feeling overtaxed.

Gmoney

I once heard a member share about "giving it away." They shared about how some of us can get so caught up in giving it away that we leave nothing left for ourselves. Balance is so important, but I've found that it takes some experimenting to find it. I hope you will soon find yours.

Paulie

(((KJ))) I know exactly what you mean, but....and with me there is always a but....You are NOT responsible for these people. If we dont take care of ourselves we have nothing to give back to anyone else. So you are there for all these people, maybe you need to broaden the support for yourself.

Making ourselves physically sick is not living in the solution.

Lily

KJ,

For me, I have to be careful about how many irons I have in the fire. First I make sure my relationship with my HP and recovery is coming first, or I have nothing to give to anyone else. Next is my family, then my job, then the people in my life who need help with their lives. I have had to learn to say no to people who were draining or limit my time with them or my husband, my own 6 yr old or my daycare child gets upset. The phone can really drain you. I also did get caller ID back so I can be more selective.

I am glad your sponsor is having you re-eval. That sounds like a smart sponser for you. Have you ever considered ala-non? I know for me I can have coda tendencies.

As far as women consulting you before they make decisions that would be a bit much for me today.

I pray you can find the balance you need and be honest with those who are asking for your help. I pray your migraine doesn't return too!

Sheila

kj3880

I'm working on finding some solutions here. One thing I did differently tonight was I raised my hand in my home group at announcement time and asked if any of the women would be interested in being a "phone buddy" for a newcomer who is hospitalized at this time? Three women gave me their numbers, which I will pass on to her. In this way, I won't feel that I have to answer the phone every time she calls, as she will have a list of women to talk to. This will help her when she gets out, too. After all, I don't want to be her only friend. That's too much for me.

I am not managing my network well. The two young women who call me before they make decisions seem to get resentful and even jealous if I can't get back to them for a day or so. I have to set some healthy boundaries. Hopefully, I can find a way to do this without crushing anyone's delicate feelings.

I also told my bf that I need more alone time to sort through my feelings. I felt like he was burning me out with his need for attention. I hope he gets back into more fellowship with some of the men. He's let that slide in the excitement of our new relationship. I think that's pretty common, but a bad idea. I'm not letting my network go for him. I mean, what if the relationship doesn't work out? Where would we be then if we neglect our other friends and our sponsor relationship? All alone and rejected. So I'm not doing him any good by letting him focus only on me. The attention is flattering, but not all that healthy.

So that is a couple of ideas I've been working on to lighten the load on my brain. I'm also trying to think of a weekend get-away that might be relaxing yet cheap.

Love,
KJ

Missybuns

ok kj Here's some comments from your posting.

Firstly you say since you are taking your inventory, ask yourself what is your part in this.

then later you mention: do you see a correlation here?

Are you taking on responsibilities that are not yours?

Who are you responsible for?


peace,
Missy

Timebuster

Hi KJ,

Step Ten:“We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

Step Ten frees us from the wreckage of our present. If we do not stay aware of our defects, they can drive us into a corner that we can’t get out of clean.

One of the first things we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that if we use, we lose. By the same token, we won’t experience as much pain if we can avoid the things that cause us pain. Continuing to take a personal inventory means that we form a habit of looking at ourselves, our actions, attitudes and relationships on a regular basis.

We are creatures of habit and are vulnerable to our old ways of thinking and reacting. At times it seems easier to continue in the old rut of self-destruction than to attempt a new and seemingly dangerous route. We don’t have to be trapped by our old patterns. Today, we have a choice.

This step can be a defense against the old insanity. We can ask ourselves if we are being drawn into old patterns of anger, resentment or fear. Do we feel trapped? Are we setting ourselves up for trouble? Are we too hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Are we taking ourselves too seriously? Are we judging our insides by the outside appearances of others? Do we suffer from some physical problem? The answers to these questions can help us deal with the difficulties of the moment. We no longer have to live with the feeling that we have a “hole in the gut.”

Basic Text - Sixth Edition

And Garry, even our basic text talks about the hole in the gut. GUT feelings. Lol

Have nice day
Ivan

Gmoney

Wolfchild

i do what i can when i can and leave the results in God's hands.
My feelings about people, places, & things are beside the point.
i don't think too much about situations which don't concern me.
In this way i live one moment to the next with serenity & sanity.

i hope & pray that God continues to help and guide you each day.

Sugah

I pray for a lot of folks here by name and collectively, and since I read your initial post in this thread, I've been praying specifically for your serenity, KJ.

I have just a couple "rubber meets the road" suggestions (because the step-focused suggestions you've already gotten are great).

One is that I make my own limitations very clear to others in my life. In addition to being a woman in recovery, I am a wife, a mother, a student, a teacher and a human being with some physical difficulties that often require more rest than I needed twenty years ago.

If I'm working, officially or unofficially, with another woman, I urge her to stretch herself and expand her network. One "homework assignment" I've found to be very useful (both to the sponsee and to me) is to call at least one other person besides me every day and say, "How are you doing today?" Or, for those who are uncomfortable calling folks cold, announcing, "I'm practicing my picking-up-the-phone skills." That way, when I get in a jam and can't spend more than a few minutes on the phone, or any at all, it's easier for them to move down the list.

And last but not least, sometimes, even when there doesn't seem to be five minutes I can call my own, I need a bubble bath!

I'll keep praying.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

tommyk

"The two young women who call me before they make decisions seem to get resentful and even jealous if I can't get back to them for a day or so. I have to set some healthy boundaries. Hopefully, I can find a way to do this without crushing anyone's delicate feelings."

I make it VERY clear to my sponsees, and others, that I will not always be available for them.

Therefore I 'demand' that they have a list of other numbers to call. I think this is really important - they cannot become dependent on any one (1) person, it is unhealthy.

Unfortunately, I do still have my own 'issues' at times (dammit! I'm not cured yet???), and during these times I might not be of much help to others. Same goes with all of us... I think...?

Sucks to be human, huh?

Gmoney

Same here. I tell them "off the muscle" that I work 2nd shift and I have an elderly mother to look after. If you call me too early in the morning, I won't answer the phone because I'm probably still asleep. If you call me when I'm in "crunch mode" I will tell you to call another time because I won't be late for work. Bottom line: I have a life and I'm not willing or able to ignore my responsibilities to play the role of babysitter. It may sound harsh, but it is what it is. If I get a call after midnight or on weekends, I'll talk for hours, though.

Lily

Kj,

It has been suggested by my sponsor that I call at least 3 other women in recovery EVERYDAY! Sounds like a stretch and I don't always do it but it has helped me a TON to reach out to others. She isn't always available to me and I am thankful I have an extended network today.

Have a blessed weekend.

Sheila

kj3880

Thanks. These are some very good suggestions. I especially like the idea Sugah has about having these young women call others. I think what I will do is hook them up with each other. They have met, but aren't friends. If they both want to talk for hours each day, why not have them talk to each other? It may make them more aware of how much whining they are doing when they hear it from someone else. It has that effect on me.

One thing that I was talking about yesterday, to B, my long-suffering bf, is that people in recovery tend to always seem to call me mostly when things are bad! I might not hear from the girls for days at a time when life is a bowl of cherries. But let a problem crop up, and they are all over that phone! I wish people would share more of the blessings of life with us. Just for a change! But I guess that's just a normal human tendency.

The other thing is how quickly I've gone from being perceived as a "newcomer" to someone who's expected to be a power of example in recovery. There are good things about that of course. It encourages you to keep going when others are looking to you for hope. And I think that others are happy to see how much progress a person can make in a year when they work steps and really get into their program. It is amazing. The only negative about this is it highlights the fact that in our fellowship, if you have a year clean, you are in the minority. Most people just don't seem to make it past a few weeks clean around here.

It definitely works if you work it, but it is work. And some people just don't seem to want to do the work. I'm a miracle.

I'm off to an event for the other fellowship today. They are having a day-long soberfest. I'm checking it out to see if it might be feasible for NA to have something like that in the same spot next year.

Love,
KJ

Gmoney

Yes, you are a miracle...no doubt. LOL!! It also says in our literature that many of us want the rewards of recovery but aren't willing to do the work. I see it all the time.