Uncertainty
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Uncertainty
I think I'm becoming paranoid. I've been working in the same place for the last 2years .Yet I feel as if I'm working in a new place with new people except these people know me well. It's like the movie "we know what you did last summer". I can't really communicate with them. There are some changes going on in the company and I feel that all that all the time they're talking about me.That's plain insanity. I think it stems from my insecurity. I just feel like a small child in a public place without his parents. I don't crave drugs that much these days but I feel drugs were my safe anchor . Now I'm truly lost. I was doing great but this uncertainty is killing me.
My sister asked me why do I keep starting up fights with people. Somehow it's easier to get into a fight instead of starting a rational conversation. I fear everyone these days. It's literally like waking up from a coma and feeling weird. The worst is that I only remember bits and pieces from drugging years. I can't remember much about work. Or perhaps I'm just feeling too guilty and shameful. I want to tell them that this is a brand new person but who cares to listen.What's done is done. They know I'm talented but they're too scared to give me any new responsibilities. I used to spend my day nodding all day long . It seems whatever I do, it useless.
I am even too scared to quit my job. It's like I have accepted the fact that I limited my abilities to a limited job because I can get by if I ever decided to get high. I created so much chaous and mess but they tolerated my behavior. I'm too scared to moved on in my life. Idon't even know what I want versus what should be done. I'm even more scared to look straight into their eyes and see shadows from my past.I was so arrogent .I thought I was too smart and people should respect my creativity even when I was high. I'm now back to earth.
My sister asked me why do I keep starting up fights with people. Somehow it's easier to get into a fight instead of starting a rational conversation. I fear everyone these days. It's literally like waking up from a coma and feeling weird. The worst is that I only remember bits and pieces from drugging years. I can't remember much about work. Or perhaps I'm just feeling too guilty and shameful. I want to tell them that this is a brand new person but who cares to listen.What's done is done. They know I'm talented but they're too scared to give me any new responsibilities. I used to spend my day nodding all day long . It seems whatever I do, it useless.
I am even too scared to quit my job. It's like I have accepted the fact that I limited my abilities to a limited job because I can get by if I ever decided to get high. I created so much chaous and mess but they tolerated my behavior. I'm too scared to moved on in my life. Idon't even know what I want versus what should be done. I'm even more scared to look straight into their eyes and see shadows from my past.I was so arrogent .I thought I was too smart and people should respect my creativity even when I was high. I'm now back to earth.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
I wish I had more of a grasp on how you feel, but the only thing I can say is that I have to limit myself, being so new to recovery, because I feel I cannot trust MYSELF with any amount of money. I have to keep myself down, because last time I went "gun ho" and was making more than 500 a week, I relapsed and spent over 500 on crack. I just had worn myself to the point of too much stress and too much to do with two jobs and caring for my mother, who just got out of the hospital from her knee surgery. She expected me to care for her like a nurse, one job expected me to change tires/jump start cars/get keys out of locked cars/etc. at odd hours of the night, and then I couldn't go to sleep in the AM because job number two required that I put 8-10 hours a day, making my products for the upcoming fairs. So I was getting no sleep, working on the side of town where I bought crack (roadside assistance), trying to care for mom, and all this stuff at the same time. Plus I worked away my birthday and didn't get a Happy Birthday from anyone, not Mom NOR my kids, who mattered most to me(and in that frame of mind where I thought I deserved it), and on the 3rd of February said "F*** it and went out and got high. The day before, I was SO tired, when my boyfriend took me to lunch, I literally FELL ASLEEP at the table. So I validated my excuses to use. And now I realize I cannot jump back into being a responsible adult. I want to, and it's my nature, but each time I tried to, when trying to recover, I relapsed. So this time around, I took 30 days off of ALL jobs, including caring for my Mom. Went to meetings nearly every day (I made 27 or 28), and started doing my step work. Once that all got started, I looked for a job that would be no more than 20 hours a week, low pay. I got something close to 10 hours a week at 8.15 an hour. After taxes, I get about 65 bucks. I work 4 days a week. I feel ready to take on another contract (I clean offices) for my Friday nights, which should bump me up to about 12-15 hours a week, and this is a fair month, so I am curious to see how I will do with almost 60 days clean and a working program. I don't feel stressed or tired, yet. LOL.
But anyway, I am rambling. Being too self centered here..
My sponsor, she works at the place she got caught and arrested for using drugs. She says that sometimes, she feels people are judging her, but she's grateful to have a job, in her field, in this economy. Especially in her field. She is a nurse.
And sometimes, it does feel easier to just start arguing than try to work things out, but we've got to try to work things out in a respectful manner. I wish I could give some kind of real advice.... I hope someone here can and maybe I can come up with something later.. When I've got some more time under my belt!
But anyway, I am rambling. Being too self centered here..
My sponsor, she works at the place she got caught and arrested for using drugs. She says that sometimes, she feels people are judging her, but she's grateful to have a job, in her field, in this economy. Especially in her field. She is a nurse.
And sometimes, it does feel easier to just start arguing than try to work things out, but we've got to try to work things out in a respectful manner. I wish I could give some kind of real advice.... I hope someone here can and maybe I can come up with something later.. When I've got some more time under my belt!
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Jane668
This is not from any NA official literature. But I think you can relate to what is being said.
Emotional Pain:
All addicts have familiarity with pain. Whether it is emotional, physical, social, intellectual, mental, or spiritual pain, there is no form of pain that we do not come to know on intimate terms. We shake when we recall past pain and are in absolute terror over future pain. We hate pain so much, that when we learn that we are creating our pain, it is hard to believe. It seems crazy that we would actually do things knowingly that predictably result in extreme agony.
For us, it takes a special form of courage to continue our efforts toward improvement after the initial terrors have passed. We would rather forget it and put it out of our minds. We got used to awful pressures in our addictive addiction. Recovery requires us to become more sensitive to the signals from the world around us. If we are used to people yelling when they want something, we may have to learn to listen to someone who seems to be whispering. We learn to re-evaluate our impressions of the world around us. By doing this, we realize a major portion of the freedom that we seek.
In active addiction, we developed a ritualistic, unconscious and reactionary style of living. Often, we didn't do things until we had to. Our addiction tells us that we have to look good, cover up our feelings, deny fault, and never accept responsibility even in trivial matters. These life styles hardly seem ‘liberated.’ Such freedom has a price: honesty. We have to get honest if we are going to be free. One of the problems that many of us face in early recovery happens when we begin to deal with life on life's terms. Emotional honesty takes courage and courage takes hope.
After a few months - or years - clean, we begin to run out of problems. We don’t know what to do. People may call us ‘crisis Queen’ or label us a habitual worrier. We find ourselves sharing about something that feels like an immediate crisis but is still months in the future. Upon closer examination, we find that the problem may not even be possible. Confused, we wonder what have we been doing? We call this ‘borrowing problems from the future’, despair on the time plan.
Sometimes, we need to think through what actually happened and compare it to the version that we have in our mind. Our confused feelings can lie to us or distort what are really seeing or hearing. This is especially helpful to know when we feel like we are getting resentments towards someone. We no longer need to over react to hearsay. In other words, we need to look at the facts rather than letting our emotions cloud our judgment. Otherwise, we may say and do things that we can not take back. Prayer, meditation and close contact with clean addicts help us find our way. As we grow in recovery, we learn to think through what is really happening as it happens. One mark of our growth is the ability to tolerate 'real emotional pain.' We know all too well that the chemical buffers are no longer an option. Our emotions tell us to do things and this is good if what they tell us is true.
If current circumstances stimulate our strong disapproval, we feel somewhat angry. If we have enjoyed successes, we have every right to feel good. If we feel overwhelming ecstasy, complete despair or unfocused hatred, it is a clear indication that our emotions have taken control of us. We must remember that addiction is planning our next usage. Intense 'good' or 'bad' feelings are a danger sign. We make a special effort to share with those we have come to know in recovery.
This is not from any NA official literature. But I think you can relate to what is being said.
Emotional Pain:
All addicts have familiarity with pain. Whether it is emotional, physical, social, intellectual, mental, or spiritual pain, there is no form of pain that we do not come to know on intimate terms. We shake when we recall past pain and are in absolute terror over future pain. We hate pain so much, that when we learn that we are creating our pain, it is hard to believe. It seems crazy that we would actually do things knowingly that predictably result in extreme agony.
For us, it takes a special form of courage to continue our efforts toward improvement after the initial terrors have passed. We would rather forget it and put it out of our minds. We got used to awful pressures in our addictive addiction. Recovery requires us to become more sensitive to the signals from the world around us. If we are used to people yelling when they want something, we may have to learn to listen to someone who seems to be whispering. We learn to re-evaluate our impressions of the world around us. By doing this, we realize a major portion of the freedom that we seek.
In active addiction, we developed a ritualistic, unconscious and reactionary style of living. Often, we didn't do things until we had to. Our addiction tells us that we have to look good, cover up our feelings, deny fault, and never accept responsibility even in trivial matters. These life styles hardly seem ‘liberated.’ Such freedom has a price: honesty. We have to get honest if we are going to be free. One of the problems that many of us face in early recovery happens when we begin to deal with life on life's terms. Emotional honesty takes courage and courage takes hope.
After a few months - or years - clean, we begin to run out of problems. We don’t know what to do. People may call us ‘crisis Queen’ or label us a habitual worrier. We find ourselves sharing about something that feels like an immediate crisis but is still months in the future. Upon closer examination, we find that the problem may not even be possible. Confused, we wonder what have we been doing? We call this ‘borrowing problems from the future’, despair on the time plan.
Sometimes, we need to think through what actually happened and compare it to the version that we have in our mind. Our confused feelings can lie to us or distort what are really seeing or hearing. This is especially helpful to know when we feel like we are getting resentments towards someone. We no longer need to over react to hearsay. In other words, we need to look at the facts rather than letting our emotions cloud our judgment. Otherwise, we may say and do things that we can not take back. Prayer, meditation and close contact with clean addicts help us find our way. As we grow in recovery, we learn to think through what is really happening as it happens. One mark of our growth is the ability to tolerate 'real emotional pain.' We know all too well that the chemical buffers are no longer an option. Our emotions tell us to do things and this is good if what they tell us is true.
If current circumstances stimulate our strong disapproval, we feel somewhat angry. If we have enjoyed successes, we have every right to feel good. If we feel overwhelming ecstasy, complete despair or unfocused hatred, it is a clear indication that our emotions have taken control of us. We must remember that addiction is planning our next usage. Intense 'good' or 'bad' feelings are a danger sign. We make a special effort to share with those we have come to know in recovery.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
i spent such a long time in active addiction that my disease was used to running my life. Even after 3+ years, it still tries to resurface in my thoughts, my emotions, and my perceptions. That was how it used to maintain control of my life, it backed me into a corner that i never got out of clean. It continued to spin me around like a dog chasing it's tail until i got so sick of it that i gave up trying to change anything.
Acceptance, surrender, and faith are the spiritual principles i use frequently to stop indulging in useless attitudes that'll lead to self sabotage. Being humble isn't the easiest thing i've ever put effort into, but it's better than being humilated by my actions. Talking about my feelings with my sponsor gives me clarity about what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it. Sharing about it in a meeting helps me to get relief from what can get overwhelming if i try to "handle" it on my own. Reaching out to others helps to get me out of myself.
Change isn't the most comfortable way of adapting to life and what's going on around me, but it's the only thing that's kept me in the flow. Everytime i try to swim upstream i hit my head on some very hard rocks. Please be gentle with yourself and go easy. Let things develope as they need to and rest in the love and care of a Power greater than yourself. No matter what happens, you not have to use.
Acceptance, surrender, and faith are the spiritual principles i use frequently to stop indulging in useless attitudes that'll lead to self sabotage. Being humble isn't the easiest thing i've ever put effort into, but it's better than being humilated by my actions. Talking about my feelings with my sponsor gives me clarity about what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it. Sharing about it in a meeting helps me to get relief from what can get overwhelming if i try to "handle" it on my own. Reaching out to others helps to get me out of myself.
Change isn't the most comfortable way of adapting to life and what's going on around me, but it's the only thing that's kept me in the flow. Everytime i try to swim upstream i hit my head on some very hard rocks. Please be gentle with yourself and go easy. Let things develope as they need to and rest in the love and care of a Power greater than yourself. No matter what happens, you not have to use.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
I like what Ivan wrote, regardless of the author. 
But after I read it, I thought to myself, "Boy...that's the same stuff the steps teach us!!" I was laughing because I know I could probably find excerpts from NA literature that say basically the same things. LOL!!
That's a possibility. Fear is what comes to mind, too.
I recall hearing numerous members share about how our self-centered minds will have us believing that people are talking about us, when in reality we're the last thing on their mind. And for me, shame and guilt can be expressions of self-centered fear: fear of not being accepted, fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Our as our literature says, "a fantasy in reverse." Uncertainty can become overwhelming (if we allow it to), but the real question is: why do you have to know?
Ever read IP # 12, The Triangle of Self-Obsession? The steps are the solution.
But after I read it, I thought to myself, "Boy...that's the same stuff the steps teach us!!" I was laughing because I know I could probably find excerpts from NA literature that say basically the same things. LOL!!
Or perhaps I'm just feeling too guilty and shameful.
I recall hearing numerous members share about how our self-centered minds will have us believing that people are talking about us, when in reality we're the last thing on their mind. And for me, shame and guilt can be expressions of self-centered fear: fear of not being accepted, fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Our as our literature says, "a fantasy in reverse." Uncertainty can become overwhelming (if we allow it to), but the real question is: why do you have to know?
Ever read IP # 12, The Triangle of Self-Obsession? The steps are the solution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Thank you for your support. Wow, I guess I was panick attacks yesterday.Soem changes were going in in my company and i freaked out. I lost my temper. But the good news thing is that I didnot use over it . I mean yes I was frustrated and down but I didnot use. That alone is an accomplishment for me. I didnot was so mad that I was screaming at everyone. I lost it completely yesterday.
well yeah I which I can think about that beforeI lose my temper. When I'm angry I become so rude and mean. I was never that furious before.
That's so true. I was indeed "borrowing problems from the future". Like what if this or that happens.....I keep constantly worrying about the future. I'm praying to be able to get rid of useless thoughts. It takes practice . I really have an obsessing nature. If some bothering me, I keep thinking about this issue all day long till I'm finally too exhausted. Change is so low and hard. But I'm getting better.
That's it. I have to learn not to over react.I wish I can do that. I feel so exhausted today as if I was running in a marathone yesterday. But I feel good and content about my progress. I guess this program is about progrss rather than perfection.
Otherwise, we may say and do things that we can not take back.
After a few months - or years - clean, we begin to run out of problems. We don’t know what to do. People may call us ‘crisis Queen’ or label us a habitual worrier. We find ourselves sharing about something that feels like an immediate crisis but is still months in the future. Upon closer examination, we find that the problem may not even be possible. Confused, we wonder what have we been doing? We call this ‘borrowing problems from the future’, despair on the time plan.
We no longer need to over react to hearsay. In other words, we need to look at the facts rather than letting our emotions cloud our judgment.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
So true...it is about progress and we don't get to where we need to be overnight. That was a plug!! LOL!! My homegroup is called "Where We Need To Be." But seriously, I have found that through working the steps I've become less obsessive, less compulsive and less self-centered. Our literature talks about how we reach a point where our "living problems" are reduced to a "level of comfort."
I've been in the auto industry for almost 30 years and the company where I work employed over 7000 people when I got hired. Today there's less than 600 employees working there. I'm considered a "dinosaur" because there's very few left with my seniority. I've witnessed many, many drastic changes over the years, and prior to recovery, I, too, would freak out and raise all kinds of hell. Today I play the role of peace keeper for the newer folks that freak out.
For many auto workers, the future is uncertain. We've lost wages, benefits, priviledges and security. Will our plant close? Will we have to relocate? How will we pay our mortgages and car notes? 80% of our health care has been cut, what's next? These concerns are enough to drive some folks over the edge. Many feel backed into a corner. Not me. Why? Because I have a program called the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.
Due to the steps, I've learned acceptance, tolerance and humility. I've learned faith, gratitude, willingness, and open-mindedness. I don't worry about tomorrow because all I have is today. I am but a grain of sand on the beach of life. Stuff happens because it can and does. Everything doesn't always go my way...nor does it have to. There's a whole universe of things that I cannot control and I understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Compassion, consideration and empathy are principles that assist me in thinking before I speak or act. This way, I don't have to constantly add to my 8th step list and my 10th step keeps me living in the solution instead of creating more problems. Living life on it's own terms without the use of drugs isn't always easy or fun, but the steps provide me with a new way to live...one that reduces my living problems to a level of comfort.
tflms
But seriously, I have found that through working the steps I've become less obsessive, less compulsive and less self-centered. Our literature talks about how we reach a point where our "living problems" are reduced to a "level of comfort."
Soem changes were going in in my company and i freaked out.
For many auto workers, the future is uncertain. We've lost wages, benefits, priviledges and security. Will our plant close? Will we have to relocate? How will we pay our mortgages and car notes? 80% of our health care has been cut, what's next? These concerns are enough to drive some folks over the edge. Many feel backed into a corner. Not me. Why? Because I have a program called the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.
Due to the steps, I've learned acceptance, tolerance and humility. I've learned faith, gratitude, willingness, and open-mindedness. I don't worry about tomorrow because all I have is today. I am but a grain of sand on the beach of life. Stuff happens because it can and does. Everything doesn't always go my way...nor does it have to. There's a whole universe of things that I cannot control and I understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Compassion, consideration and empathy are principles that assist me in thinking before I speak or act. This way, I don't have to constantly add to my 8th step list and my 10th step keeps me living in the solution instead of creating more problems. Living life on it's own terms without the use of drugs isn't always easy or fun, but the steps provide me with a new way to live...one that reduces my living problems to a level of comfort.
tflms
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Due to the steps, I've learned acceptance, tolerance and humility. I've learned faith, gratitude, willingness, and open-mindedness. I don't worry about tomorrow because all I have is today. I am but a grain of sand on the beach of life. Stuff happens because it can and does. Everything doesn't always go my way...nor does it have to. There's a whole universe of things that I cannot control and I understand the true meaning of powerlessness.
I remember one time my uncle invited us for a family dinner. He just came back after living years abroad . I get so loaded , nodding all evening. He was so mad that he cancelled the dinner and forced me to think about detox. Previously my solution to overcome guilt of using was to use more. I'm even still trying to find a reasonable solution why did I have to get so loaded. I could have simply used like everyone else and no body would have noticed. I kept testing my self seeing how much drugs I can take mixing opiates ,Benzos and booze. Sometimes people can use all their lives and no body would notice. I messed up my life in 5 years only including so many ODs . I wish I can expalain why I behaved this way. I was like a car speeding without brakes. If I explain this to people they'll definately laugh because I myself cannot believe it. I had this strange hobby to flirt with death. Yet, before drugs I was the most responsible girl. I guess at the age of 17 I was more mature than now (lol).
Anyway, the past is gone. It doesnot do me any good to recall it. I'll just have to keep moving on with my life. Beating myself up won't change the past. All what matters is today and what I'm doing to change me.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
So how can I get rid of useless thoughts? I'm praying everyday . However I feel that I think too much. I want to learn how to focus on today only .
That's how I view my relation with my HP. I know it's wrong and I'm trying to change . But it's taking too much time. I have always expected God to fix my life some way and if He didnot then I thought God hates me or what if there's no God ? I was expecting a quick fix . I hate to wait. If I want something , I want it now or else I'll be thinking about it all day long. Waiting kills me . How do you learn to practice patience ? How can I focus on Today? I want to learn to change myself through the steps but how? I'm a very hyper active person with lots of anxiety . I tend to over analyze and exaggerate any situation.
I fear that I may not level up to my expectations and dreams. I feel that I've worked hard to graduate and build a career only to be told that I have to surrender and I'm powerless. I apply that powerlessness concept in my life but at the same time somewhere deep in me still thinks that I should be the best employee or smartest... This is a bit confusing for me. I'm asking this because I'm trying to apply the steps in my daily life. My life is getting so much better yet there's still this inner conflict. It's like what happens to my dreams? What do I do with them? Just supress them. Do I isolate my self and just pray in my life?
Yeah I surrender to that one really Quick I did Believe that a Power Greater than my self could restore me back to sanity, But here is were I would fall ofthe waiting process expecting miracles over night Gees what and In-sanity Behavior Like God was going to give me a Quick fix that's crazy
I fear that I may not level up to my expectations and dreams. I feel that I've worked hard to graduate and build a career only to be told that I have to surrender and I'm powerless. I apply that powerlessness concept in my life but at the same time somewhere deep in me still thinks that I should be the best employee or smartest... This is a bit confusing for me. I'm asking this because I'm trying to apply the steps in my daily life. My life is getting so much better yet there's still this inner conflict. It's like what happens to my dreams? What do I do with them? Just supress them. Do I isolate my self and just pray in my life?
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Please don't be surprised to feel that my questions are silly. It's like the most unspiritual person asking how to become spiritual at the age of 25. I'm starting to think it's going to take me years (lol) to undertsand this concept. But whatever I'm doing now is better than my old life. So I can wait. 
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I went to a conference last weekend, and a vendor there was selling speaker cds. I bought one--hesitantly, because it was from a member who is famous in the "outside world." I don't know what I expected to hear, though I can say it was something different than what I did hear.
Although he spoke very humbly and very spiritually, he couldn't avoid discussion of who he was in the world's eyes. He talked about being a millionaire at twenty-three. He talked about having cars and women and all doors open to him--and about being incredibly unhappy. Nothing of all the material gratification available to him could bring him happiness. He found his peace and happiness through the steps--including service to others (something he emphasized throughout the lead).
Where it seems you're having difficulty (correct me if I'm wrong) is in the material goals and expectations. Do we have to set those aside? No, I don't think so. But the focus in recovery is our insides. If we don't take care of the inside first, it really doesn't matter how much or how little we have on the outside.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Although he spoke very humbly and very spiritually, he couldn't avoid discussion of who he was in the world's eyes. He talked about being a millionaire at twenty-three. He talked about having cars and women and all doors open to him--and about being incredibly unhappy. Nothing of all the material gratification available to him could bring him happiness. He found his peace and happiness through the steps--including service to others (something he emphasized throughout the lead).
Where it seems you're having difficulty (correct me if I'm wrong) is in the material goals and expectations. Do we have to set those aside? No, I don't think so. But the focus in recovery is our insides. If we don't take care of the inside first, it really doesn't matter how much or how little we have on the outside.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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