Lily

I just got a call from a lady who attends our NA meeting. She has been coming for months but never says a peep. Last week she shared, just a tiny bit and asked me to be her sponsor. I explained to her that I only have 4 months (plus my sponsor told me she would like to see me get thru the 12 steps before I sponsor anyone) and I gave her my number.

Well, this morning she called. She told me she is a binge drinker and also uses drugs, (I didn't ask what) and she had drank yesterday, missed her sons game and her family was very angry. I asked her to dump out her bottle and call me back (after I had talked with a little). She did indeed do this, I told her I would meet her tonight at the meeting and I encouraged her to share with the group what she shared with me and to also pick up a white surrender tag.

Now what do I do? Do I tell her to pick a sponsor? (we only have 1 lady who really has any time strung together, she also sponsors me)

Do I try to guide her by telling her to get a NA workbook? She has only reached out to me.

I guess I don't know what to do with her cuz I got a sponsor right away and started working the steps right away and that is all I know. Do I just befriend her till she decides to find someone on her own?

of course I want her to surrender and start working right away so she can have a life w/ her twins and her son and hubby. what would you do?

thanks, Sheila

tommyk

Have her get a workbook (maybe even buy her one).

Offer to be her temporary sponsor.

One primary responsibility of a sponsor is to guide them through the steps.

Get her started and see where things go from there.

Paulie

IMO, yes you do. You be her friend/her support and you help her open up by example in meetings you go to. You can be of great help to her without being her sponsor.

I come from the old school, as it sounds like your sponsor does, a sponsor is someone to guide another through the steps and we cannot do that until we work them ourselves. But that does not mean that you cannot be her support, you can talk everyday and be her friend.

I would go to other meetings with her, in both fellowships so that she can find a sponsor. That is what I do with women who ask me when I am not able to sponsor them, I be there friend and help them branch out to find a sponsor.

Just my 4 cents.

tanyapmc

I am torn here Sheila. I am a stickler for doing what my sponsor says. If she says you should not sponsor anyone then you need to listen to her.

On the other hand..........

I personally believe if we have done step 1 then we can take someone through step 1. Then step 2 etc.
Especially if there are not many women to sponsor her.

I know I am playing my own devil's advocate here.

Personally I would talk to my sponsor about how I could sponsor this woman.

Remember we can only keep what we have by giving it away!

I agree with Tommy on the temporary sponsor thing too!

Much love

cookconfay

I was ALWAYS taught to NEVER say no. I've had girls ask me to sponsor them way back when I didn't have much time....and I would ask my sponsor, she would tell me that I could help them as far as I had gone, which by that time would probably be farther if you understand what I mean. Alot of what tanyapmc was saying. BUT...with prayer and leaving it up to God and helping with what you can....chances are she will eventually find someone else anyways.....especially if you tell her you can be a temporary sponsor until she finds a more permanent one.

Timebuster

Our program is about Honesty and being open minded. I also believe things happen in recovery for a reason. This person was put into your life for a reason. Its up to you to find out why. I agree with everyone’s suggestion to temporary sponsor her. Be honest with her and tell her that your are also in the early recovery stages.

If your new found friend is sincere about her recovery. You will both grow from this experience. Keep it simple. Keep working your steps. Everything else will fall in its place.

Ivan

Paulie

Well said.

happyboy

In my na group lots of sponsors with clean time is a luxury we do not have. We have few women with clean time. So we do a a lot of temporary sponsoring. Personally I do not believe you need to do all the steps to sponsor.

For me its about addicts helping addicts.

If you were not to sponsor her, what would happen. We had the problem with some people having too many sponsees. In at least one case this lead to that particular addict relapsing.

Talk to your sponsor again. If I feel strongly about something, I engage with my sponsor. I thrash through the issue. My sponsor is not always all knowing. I do this with a spirit of honesty, and a willingness to be wrong, and learn. Sometimes he hears me and agrees with my view. Sometimes, his wisdom is much deaper than mine, and I listen and hear him.

So put your feelings to your sponsor. Trust hp. And then listen to your sponsor.

I struggle to identify with some of the views here, as I do not take na for granted.(not saying anyone here does) Keeping the doors open for us is struggle enough. Sometimes we have had to refer woman addicts to willing alcoholic sponsors. Not ideal at all. Alkies do not always get addicts. But a person who knows the 12 step programme is better than no one to assist women.

Ideally, perhaps we should have lots of clean time before we sponsotr. Perhaps we need to have worked all the steps. But that is not always available. I trust the HP that guides our fledgling group. And I trust that the help one addict can give another is a very special gift.

When I went into recovert two years ago, we had one meeting a week. Sometimes we were 2 or 3 addicts.

Today we have 2 meetings a week, with 20 -40 people at each meeting. And we celebrate a year of sobriety more and more often. What a powerful programme.

Sorry if I rambled, i am just (imperfectly) trying to express that the ideal is not always the reality in na.

Thanks for let me ramble........errrr .....share!

kj3880

I really appreciate this thread. Those of you that had been following my story know my struggle with finding a sponsor. But for those that didn't, here it is in brief: I couldn't find a woman with a year clean time, so I went to other meetings farther away, and all I could find was a sponsor who lived a state away (an hour and a half, by car, so not crazy far). Unfortunately, this sponsor almost immediately breached my anonymity by telling my emotionally fragile son about my addiction after I had asked her not to do so (on the phone, no less). There were a lot of red flags there that I hadn't heeded about her mental stability because I was over-excited to finally get someone to sponsor me. I had already asked the 2 women in my area that had time, but they both had too many sponsees to take another one on.
In reading this thread, it makes me think that maybe it would be good to ask one of these 2 womens' sponsees to work with me. Those women all have about 4 or 5 months clean. I have 2 months. So maybe that could be an idea for me. After all, if they run into something with me that they can't figure out, they could ask their sponsor? It certainly isn't ideal, but few things are.
kj

Lily

Thanks for all of your replies!

I will re-address this with my sponsor tonight. I think it is pretty good info to sponsor someone as far as you have gone. I just finised step 2 and am starting step 3.

I really feel for this woman. It is raining cats and dogs here in WI and I am willing to drive to get to that meeting thru thick and thin. I cannot wait!

Temporary sponsor or just a friend, I can still get her a workbook.

blessings, Sheila

NoelleR

"...Temporary sponsor or just a friend, I can still get her a workbook..."

Well, there ya go...... (o: You certainly don't need an AA PhD, or a certificate of completion. or anything actually, to be a part of this woman's support group......u gottit, Sheila..... u go grrl!


NoelleR

Gmoney

Hi Sheila,

Please take what I'm about to share with a grain of salt - I'm not an authority on this issue, so what I'll share is a mixture of experience and opinion.

I personally do not believe in temporary sponsorship because my disease isn't temporary. The new IP on sponsorship is revised, but I'm old-school, and the way I was taught was that a member should seek guidance from their own sponsor before taking on the responsibility of sponsoring someone else. That's what I did and that's what my 1st sponsor did. Sure...a sponsor isn't a perfect person and their opinions aren't always written in stone, but if we chose them to guide us, we did it for a reason. For me, it was experience and knowledge of the program. I trusted his judgement. Your sponsor's judgement was:

Maybe she saw something about you that you haven't seen. I dunno. If you feel you need to question her about it, you may find out why she feels that way - but if her call is the same, what will you do?

Secondly, the Basic Text tell us that newcomers are to be sponsored by the group until they get a sponsor.

"Sponsorship for newcomers is also the responsibility of the group. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the NA way of recovery from addiction - one addict helping another." - BT, page 55

So, basically, what I'm saying is that you can be her friend and help her without "formally" being her sponsor. At 4 months clean, how will you be able to handle the emotional attachment? What is she (HP forbid) uses?

Just food for thought.

Gmoney

Sorry...I meant, what if she uses?

kcal

If a dog were on the side of the road sick, would you go to it? If a person is sick and needs your help, are you the kind of person that would help them? That is all you need to ask yourself, in my opinion.
Kcal

Good luck to you!

sct

I had a temporary sponsor for a while, for my own reasons which are probably only interesting to me and it worked out well- it gave me someone for support while my HP got me ready for my permanent sponsor.

In this case- at my groups everyone is encouraged to collect phone numbers and to build a support group- 'group sponsorship' or no, just in case your sponsor is out of town, or god-forbid- sleeps once in a while. Maybe be one of those folks for her for a while and see how it goes.

Time2Surrender

An oldtimer mentioned once "If a guy with one day aproaches a guy with 2 days..... The guy with 2 days still has plenty to offer"

Paulie

I absolutely agree and that is what I was taught, but that is for support.

I agree with Garry (wow that is a first j/k ).

This 'temporary' sponsor thing I just starting hearing that a few years ago and I do not know what it means LOL. When a woman asks me to temporarily sponsor her I tell her I will sponsor you and if it doesnt work out that is fine, but I do not know how to temporarily sponsor someone.

Back to the subject. The steps are written in order for a reason, we build on each one as we do it. IMO what we have to share with someone when we are new is us, not our experience with the steps. What you have to share with this woman Sheila is your honesty, openmindedness, your hope, your love for the recovery that you have found and how it works in your life on a daily basis.

IMO we need to get through the steps before we work them with someone else becuase of what we learn about ourselves and the growth that comes with the steps.

Being new in recovery often we think we have 'got it' and nothing could make a use, but I have learned to NEVER say NEVER. You do not know the background of this woman, if she is relying on you as her sponsor (and some people from my experience take that very very seriously) and she starts sharing with you things that she has never dealt with things that she has never shared, that is alot. And as was asked, what if she relapses? what then, we never know if we have the foundation not to use too. And believe me, I say this sadly from experience, when I was first sponsoring woman I had a hard time when they relapsed, it is with time and working my own program that I have learned that it has nothing to do with me. (and it still hurts my heart)

When I first go clean I did not take the suggestions as suggestions......I took them as 'this is what has worked for these people, this is what will work for me if I do it too'. Again, this is all just my opinion, I am not quoting any literature or anything here.

And also as was said in this thread, your sponsor may have reasons that you are not aware of to say that you should work through the steps first.

Be her friend, if she does not have money for books, help her. But once you start being her 'sponsor' it could not only affect her recovery, but yours too.

Sheila you have a huge heart, you remind me of me when I first got clean. Remember you can not save everyone.....you can only share what you have learned so far and even more important you can share your loving spirit with her.

Okay I am done now, I will step off my soap box

navysteve

Who does the newcomer relate to more, the person with 30 days or the person with 5 years????

I personally do not believe in asking permission from our sponsors to become a sponsor ( that is my opinion) I do believe that the optimal situation is that you have worked the 12 steps before you take on the role of sponsor, but having said that:

It is never too soon to start practicing these principles in all our affairs ( sponsorship)

We keep what we have only by giving it away

Nothing can motivate us to work on the steps than to have a sponsee right behind us...

Also, now remember, I might just be a recovery heretic ( I don't follow the rules/ oops I mean suggestions), having said that:

1. I take guys I sponsor ( I don't even like that word, I make a better friend) with guys they sponsor and we work through the steps together ( all but the 5th step, that is private)
2. I adopted a philosophy that "WE" work the steps, I stay sick on my own, so when I have the opportunity to give away what was given to me I am obligated to do just that. It is how I heal
3. When we work the steps together, we do not use a step writing guide, I have nothing against it, I just have no use for it, WE share our experience, strength and hope with one another in an intimate setting. It is pretty powerful to stand up with ten recovering addicts and take the third step:

Take my will & my life,
Guide me in my recovery,
Show me how to live.

Then I get to watch their lives take on a new meaning.

I think the most important thing we can do is be a part of someone's recovery. If given the chance I hope I never refuse

Gmoney

This is an interesting topic. I have a few more thoughts to share, then I'll let it go.

I was thinking about the difference between helping someone who is early in recovery (support) and being a sponsor (a guide through the steps). If someone asked me to help them get to Buffalo, NY and I've never been there myself (but willing to go), the most I could do is help them find where it is and maybe travel along with them. What the heck? If we get lost, we'll get lost together but I'll help you find a way. That's what I think of in terms of support. But when it comes to sponsorship, not only does the sponsor know how to get there, they've been there before. They have knowledge and experience. Hey...support is great!! The more the merrier I always say, and I've also said that two heads are better than one. Yet, I've also had a tendency to rely on experience when I wanted something done right.

I know we always talk about keeping what we have by giving it away, and if what we have isn't much...that's all we can give. In my area it is often said that you can't give it away if you don't have it. Whatever "it" is, I guess is debatable. I've seen members rush into being sponsors because of the status and prestige that goes along with being able to say "I've got sponsees!" And many of these same members have relapsed and took their sponsees back to active addiction with them. I've witnessed the reverse to happen also - the sponsee with 30 days uses and then the sponsor with 6 months relapses too.

Finally, some newcomers come into the rooms so desperate that they'll grab hold to anyone willing to help. I don't see this as always a bad thing, but since there are some folks in the rooms for different reasons, the suggestions of what to look for in a sponsor generally have merit.

Sugah

I almost posted here yesterday and decided that I needed a little time to pray on it. Didn't want to offer a knee-jerk response.

I've been in areas where there was a definite lack of available women sponsors. I think I was nine or ten months sober when I accepted my first sponsee - though I had finished formal step work by that time. I don't really think that having time is an issue in sponsorship, but I do think that working the steps is. If you're still in formal step work, you can guide through the ones you've done - and it's motivation for you to keep moving.

Now - keep in mind that though I claim a seat in both fellowships, my home group and my sponsor are both in AA (though my sponsor was in NA when I met her). I've been approached by a woman in NA in our area who said she was considering an AA sponsor. She didn't feel her NA sponsor was helping her to move fast enough through the steps (she's almost two years clean, and her sponsor is telling her that she's not ready for a 4th step yet). I've heard others in my general area express the same thing, and I've seen references to the same sort of situation. Even on here, there seems to be great emphasis on the step workbook, and if I refer to that, it's in ignorance - I never used one. I bought one once and gave it away, as my sponsor took me through a different way.

Ideally, I think (remember: my opinion) that someone should have formal step work done on 4-7 prior to sponsoring someone else, and even better, be well into the amends process. Why? Well, many folks have no idea what their character defects are before doing a 4th step, and those defects could have serious implications if carried into sponsorship. The amends process brings even more humility - something I am truly grateful I see in my own sponsor.

If we believe that lives depend upon our taking the steps (I believe it) and that guidance through them is necessary, I would urge folks in NA (and AA) not to drag the process out. We incorporate each step into our daily lives as we take them, so it's not as though perfection is expected (or possible) as we approach the step for the first time. It's not just our own recovery that depends upon our living these steps - it's the recovery of each newcomer who comes through the door with a desire to learn to live without the use of drugs. If, two years clean, I was still fiddling around with step 4 with lost newcomers streaming in the door, I'd have to list my procrastination as one of the worst forms of selfishness.

Sheila, one last thing: if you begin guiding this woman, and I surely hope that you or someone does, rely heavily on your own sponsor.

Peace & Love,
Sugah