Sasha1208

Hi everyone. My name is Heather and I am a recovering addict. I've been sober for 107 days today and I feel wonderful. Except for the fact that I can't seem to control the "committee" in my head. At the beginning of this year my boyfriend of 15 years went to rehab. By the time he was out of rehab he had broken up with me and had a new girlfriend that he met in rehab. He ended up moving back into the area that we grew up in with her. That lasted a whole week or so before he realized that he had made a mistake. He sent her packing and we started talking again and eventually he moved back home and we are doing great now. He has been back home for about 3 months. We are both clean and sober these days and working our own programs.
This is where I am now... I can't seem to stop obsessing about him and this stupid girl that I've never met together. It is something that hurt me very much. He has said that it was a mistake and he was sorry and didn't do it to hurt me but he has also said that it is my issue and that I need to get past it. I've prayed to the god of my understanding to remove these thoughts from my head. I know that I need to start working the steps and maybe that will help. I just don't get it...It's like I won't dare just allow myself to just be happy....
Anyone else have problems obsessing on the negative situations in your life an dhow did you get past this?

dalin

i hear you and understand you...my brain played the obsession compulsion game for a while.
the deal here is to realise where he is.and be careful in relationships in early recovery...i was told by an oldtimer once that we burry them in pairs.
my gf and i are still clean,but as anyone in na will tell you,it is a rarity.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ol-issues.html

so read that sight,and check out the naranon...it may help

Sasha1208

Thanks Dalin. I've heard that a new relationship in early recovery isn't the best idea but this isn't really a new relationship being that I've been with him since I was 15 and our own sobriety is the most important thing to each of us right now.
I spend a lot of time at the Nar-Anon forum as well. I know I'm a "double winner" I think that a lot of my problem is that I got real confortable with the "victim" role and this is just an easy way for me to continue the cycle but I REALLY want the cycle to stop. It's enough already!!

TheGirlInside

Well, Dalin, you said it better than I could.

I would also suggest the Serenity Prayer, said in whatever manner helps you get through the moment...I like to clasp my thumb and forefinger together on each and and whisper "serenity" when I'm in a place where stopping, closing my eyes and breathing would be dangerous or inappropriate (like driving in my car).

I don't get what you meant by the oldtimer's comment: we bury them in pairs?? Could you explain, please?
Thanks,

dalin

i think he meant that we come in here,fall in love,forget the program and use,us using each other as a higher power.
i have very little to share...
but it hurt like hell to get it...
im adding you both to my buddy list.
keep coming back
you may be the one to lodge my head from m yass someday

michski

((( Sasha ))) When you're trying to do the next right thing in your program .. the past ceases to matter. If you want that part of your committee to shut up I have a suggestion. The next time the thoughts fly by tell that voice out loud to "shut the f&$k up!" Maybe I'm into tough love, but it's worked for me.
First of all (sorry guy readers) but isn't it just like a guy to cling on to some girl in rehab???? Women are most men's second DOC. You might as well think of what he did as a slip.. because in all reality that's all it really was.

If you want to keep from thinking about the past then be present in your future. Stay in today, always try to do the next right thing and be tough with that committee voice.. you don't need her now.

dalin

and as i have said,im a naranon as well.as for us double winners,we are adicted to folks.
im glad you are here.

windysan

letting go is one great thing that aa/na taught me.

Sasha1208

((Dalin)) Thanks for the explanation. Believe you me there is no way I will forget to work my program and definately no way in H-E double hockey sticks I would ever use my boyfriend as my "higher power" although if ya ask him he may think of himself as a higher power sometimes

I'll have to try that one

Yeah I need to try to think of it like that. Maybe that would help...

Thanks!!

we can

Hi Heather
I'm new to this forum,15 months clean. Something I recently learned about letting go is that it is a process. first you have to take action, that means do everything you can do to rectify the situation(in your situation maybe talk to him or your sponsor about how you feel) then you have to realze that you are powerless(you cant change the past) next you have to accept that you are powerless and accept what has happened. Then you can ask your higher power to remove the obsetion from you, knowing you have done everything you can and must leave the outcome up to your HP. It works for me, slowes the insanity down most days. Good luck!

REZ

It sounds to me like you have a major resentment against your boyfriend. I don't know if you've worked your 4th step yet, but this is the place where we start dealing with our resentments (and a lot of other issues). Letting go of resentments (especially ones that I feel justified in holding onto) is not easy! It takes a lot of work to do this. I agree with the earlier post that one thing you can do is to tell that bad voice to shut up when you start hearing. Or you can say to yourself, I hear you, but I'm not going to think about that now, and try to think about something else. Eventually the voice will pass and you'll be thinking about something else (this is similar to the process of allowing a desire to use pass). Other things that work: pray for the person (for their well-being), pray for yourself (to accept the past and move on). Talking to the person is also a good thing to do, but if you have already talked a lot about this situation, more talk might just open up old wounds and make things worse. The bottom line about resentments is that they hurt you much more than the hurt the other person. Today, I want to enjoy my life and now allow other people to have so much power over how I feel.

funkzter

Hello you

Missed you! Ok...you know i am not in the same situation (ie i am not a recovering addict) but what you're facing is something that we all can face, recovering addict or not.
It is called: heartbreak. And heartbreak sucks. Of course you have difficulties to let it go! Anyone in the same situation would...it is human.
Now, probably above advises are good: working the steps might help you. (but then i'm thinking: what about all the "normies" out there who've been betrayed in one way or another, do they work steps too? Poor them,maybe they should go check the meetings out Anyway, we are all different on how to handle this but i guess, at the end of the day, you really need to either forgive him and accept that this had happened or move on. And i know you don't want that and i know how much you love him.
Gosh it's tricky, i'd have problem with it too...but i'm sure you'll succeed in dealing with it.
Congrat again for your clean days

Hugs
Carine