KeepingHope

Hi all.

I've lurked these forums for awhile. I suppose that alone just says where my state of mind has been. I'm coming up on 6 months clean but I feel like I'm teetering.. held together by that strange urge to fall apart.

I attended a rehab in March that saved my life. I was addicted to alot of things, alcohol being the main one. It was court ordered, but I went in with an open mind, and after awhile, got the desire to change my life. While I was in, my younger sister was in rehab as well for her own addiction. Her battle was a bit tougher than mine and she went in and out.

I lost her to her addiction in July. I don't think I've mourned. Although, without my own recovery program, I wouldnt have been strong enough to make it through that time in my life.

Right now, although I attended rehab, i have court proceedings going on and an appeal going to stay out of full time jail (3 months). So I cant get a *good* job that I may have to leave w/no notice. I have a job now, mediocre, and doesnt pay the bills. im still leaning on my parents financially. I really hate that bc I was once independent (but bartending, so obviously I cant go back to that)

I have a steady boyfriend who doesnt use and helps as much as he can. But he's also up my butt 24/7 which leaves very little time to myself. I need that time..

Im so depressed, but I hate antidepressants. I know I need meetings but my work schedule doesnt allow more than one or two a week. I find myself shying away from those in the program who call me because I "dont want to bring them down". I'm so used to leaning on my mom, but with her just losing her other daughter, I know she's too fragile to carry my weight too. Though, she's in a Nar-Anon program so she knows the program well.

Just feeling lost right now and teetering.

tbreno12

Congradulations on 6 months kiddo, thats huge be proud, recovery is not easy but its better and will get on easier. I have put togeather some time and after 6 years I still teeter, that is when I hit a couple more meetings and Im really sorry to hear about your sister, I lost my mother 2 years ago, It is tough, but our hp allows us to make it through it. And you know what we dont pick up no matter what. I found na in a recovery house, I also did time, but I had hope and I did what was suggested and guess what it worked, and is still working, It will work for you too. Keep your chin up you can do this. I suggest getting to as many meetings as you can, Do you have a phonelist? that will help to call someone on it. Your in my prayers.

tisha

KeepingHope

Thanks for the wise words, Tisha.

I'm not scared of jail, actually, I'm almost at the point where I want to just go there and say "take me" because the waiting is what I think stresses me out the most. I keep getting lost in the future. I dont want to be in there for Christmas, I want to be out by Jan so I can try college again, etc. I think Christmas for my parents w/me in jail and my sister in heaven would be too much for them. I suppose maybe, no, I KNOW I have codependency issues as well..

I think I have to get back to my program more intensely. Praying, step work, etc. Because each day that goes by, I feel as though my grip on sobriety and *sober thinking* loosens...

dalin

im glad you are here.please put your recovery at no#.im the begining i thought i was unique,that i didnt need all those meetings.i was doing one a week till the DO-DO hit the fan and i used,with one year clean.
when i came back the next day,i did a meeting a day for the next five years.
we need you clean,and we need you here to help us grow up.

KeepingHope

Thanks dalin.

With my schedule as it is, meetings are rough, but I know thats no excuse. However, ive been on here for a few hours tonight, going in and out of different forums, reading, typing, etc. I still cant sleep but its helping, more than I thought. Ive cried and ive laughed @ some of the silliness people bring out to get smiles.

So its a start, and Ill come back here tomorrow. And hopefully it brings me back to whats important.

Blake

welcome to SR!

Congrats on the 6 months...that is a really long time for an addict to not use and you should be proud of that. I am so sorry about your sister, staying clean through that is a big deal and shows the strenght of your recovery.

I'm gonna pass on some words of wisdom that my sponsor has drilled into my head since I got clean...you are right where you are supposed to be....it may not seem like it, but look at where you are and where you came from. SUre you might be somewhat financially dependant on the parrents right now, but at least you aren't physically, emotionally and spiritually dependant on a drug, that is progress!

If you take care of you and do the next right thing infront of you, the rest of life will work out exactally how it's supposed to (even if it sucks from time to time here and there, looking back after going through it, you can see the good in the bad)

Reach out to others in recovery, don't worry about "bringing them down"...if someone come to you with a problem and you talk them through it or just give them a shoulder to cry on, don't you feel good about yourself for helping, or at least trying ot help? It works both ways, that's what recovery is about, one addict helping another.

KeepingHope

Thanks Blake. Thank you for pointing out that dependency difference. You are very right. I'm so grateful I came here tonight. I feel so much better and more determined.

Phinneas

Yup, yup.

Welcome to SR, KeepingHope!

You don't mention wether or not you have a sponsor. If you don't, please get one right away. She will guide you through the steps and be another important resource to lean on when you need strength.

I am so, so sorry about your sister. You have all the reasons in the world to stay clean and sober and to get healthy from the inside out.

KeepingHope

I do have one, however she isnt local & though she is very strict on step work and such, not being able to have the one on one leaves the relationship a bit lacking. However, I have yet to find a woman in my meetings I can learn from as easily as her, who I relate to as much... so its a situation that needs improvement.

Thanks for the welcome from all, btw.

dalin

well keep coming cuz im pretty sick and may need your help...