ashes922

I'm just looking for advice. He is 20 years old. So am I. He has worked 3 jobs his entire life & doesn't really want to work & everytime he gets his hands on money, it is easily all spent towards marijuana, xanax bars, & oxycontin. It hurts me to see him passed out so I have told him he is not allowed at my house messed up anymore. He is an only child & his parents spoiled him as a child & he still has the mentality that he is still a kid & lives under their roof yet is kicked out right now for failing a **** test. I have an almost 3 year old son who I had when I was 17 years old & I want what's best for both of us. Some of his friends have told me not to give up, that he needs me, that he's cut down A LOT since we've been dating & it's true, he has. Instead of doing weed, oxy, & xanax everyday all at once, he smokes pot like 3 times a week, does little amounts of xanax like once a week, & does oxycontin like once or twice a month. He says he needs me to quit but everytime he is high, he turns into a big ***** & puts it before me, obviously. I just want him to get help but seeing as he grew up spoiled rotten in a rich neighborhood, he doesn't think he needs to go to a detox center & refuses. He says he wants to quit but it's hard because of how good it makes him feel. He's been to a therapist & they told him he was clinically depressed at one point & had sever anxiety so they put him on xanax when he was 16 & he started abusing it & upped his dose to bars & he went through 60 bars in 5 days back in December 2009. It's just an on going process of relapses & screw ups. I'm trying to see things from his eyes so I can came here to speak. Thank you for any advice.

-Ashley

Gmoney

Hi Ashley,

Welcome to SR. You may want to consider posting your questions about your relationship in the Friends & Family Forum. I'm sure you'll have a better chance at getting responses and direction there. This is the NA Step Study/ Step One Forum.

Tryin2Survive

All I know FROM EXPERIENCE is that they wont quit unless they're ready...I once had a boyfriend in almost the same situation who also became my first born's father that I had to leave because he wasn't ready to quit...and still isnt 6 years later. I also became an extreme addict after I left him and even after my "intervention" from my family I didnt quit because I wasnt ready. I am now but have lost sooo many important people in my life because of my disease. But it really just depends on if he's ready or not so sweetie before you have his baby, if not too late, pleasssse figure out if he's ready or not because it will help out sooo much! I promise!

Taking it one day at a time,
Shanell

Christen

Hi Ash. My husbands drug of choice is also oxy. We have been married 2 years and were also high school sweethearts. I love him with all my heart, BUT sharing your life with an addict is tough stuff.

I recommend that you go to your local library and check out every book they have on addiction. You also might want to go to nar anon meetings.

Get as much info as you can. One warning- if you don't love him & want to marry him- run full speed away from him. Because if you stay with him- you have to accept the fact that he's an addict (forever). And I'm just speaking from experience- most likely he's doing a lot more drugs than he admits. Pills have their way of turning good honest men into liars. (Sorry just telling you the truth.)

Hang in there! Make the best decision for you and your kid.

Christen

tallcat4000

Hi Ashley,
My advice would be to talk to him honestly about his disease/problem and how it is affecting you and your relationship with him. Ask him if he has thought about going to treatment, to detox (not sure how bad his addiction is), and/or going to NA meetings. I think generally, addicts are closedminded about this, it is part of the disease, but if you lay it out on the line for him - that it would have to be a choice that he makes, you or the drugs, and if he chooses to try recovery, just to agree to try it, it is a start, and that is a good sign. There is a good chance that he may pick the drugs over you, but TRY not to take it personally, it is his disease talking, and right now, his drugs are his best friend (they were mine anyway, and my "bottom" was oxy after back surgery - of course, I abused and was an addict before with alchohol and other drugs, but once I tried that one, it was over for me). For me, when off the oxy, after the withdrawals, I got very depressed because I didn't know what to DO with myself - my drugs were what I did as soon as I got up, obsessed about doing more throughout the day and where I was going to get more and it felt like I was lost, my best friend had left me, I had nothing to live for. There are withdrawals to be ready for if you and he stay together, you can be there for him through this, or better yet, if he turns into a jerk while high, like you said, chances are that when he is dope sick he will be worse, so a detox center might be a better idea. I would recommend an NA meeting as soon as possible, it will be suggested at the meeting that he immediately gets a sponsor, and buys a basic text (at the least - then It Works How & Why, Just for Today meditation book and the NA Workbook - so that he can start working the 12 steps of recovery with his sponsor) Sorry, I think I am jumping way ahead - saying more than what I had planned - the first step is the honest talk between you two. If that can't be accomplished - I would leave him. This could be very good, actually, he may see what he had and doesn't - which he chose - the drug over you...and that he needs to surrender to the fact that he is an addict, which is a fatal disease IF not treated - but there IS help out there now - a lot of it. Then there is the chance that once he enters into recovery, which IS work, but not too difficult for anyone...there is a chance that you guys can get your relationsip back. If he takes the route you want him to, be prepared for him having to take time out (more in the beginning) to go to meetings and step group with his sponsor. Drugs ruin relationships. Recovery can fix them - sometimes. If you love him - don't enable him by sticking around if he won't help himself. I would recommend YOU going to alanon - I am not sure what the one is called that goes along with NA - for the loved ones of an addict...but use the internet, I am sure you can find out. Talking to people and hearing there stories at meetings would be so helpful for you I think, and make you feel better - realizing that this has nothing to do with you - a common thought for the partners of addicts. Sorry if this reply is jumbled, I am at work and have so many thoughts - they just are kind of flowing and not in a great order. Please contact me if you want to - I will pray for you, Ash...you seem to be a loving person who really cares what happens to your boyfriend - but you also seem very smart to be asking for help because you KNOW there is a problem - just not sure how to handle it. Take care...Bonnie

timbo555

First of all, you spent a considerable amount of time describing your problem, which is your toxic relationship with a drug addict. What about you? Are you getting your needs met? Or are you expending most of your energy trying to have a stable mature relationship with a crazy person? Do you feel at times as though you are merely the second most important drug in his life?

I believe you’re certainly correct in saying that YOUR 3 YEAR OLD CHILD NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED FROM EXPOSURE TO A DRUG ADDICT. Does your boyfriend buy his drugs legally? I didn’t think so. So he routinely engages in criminal activity. Do you honestly think it safe or in anyway appropriate to allow a criminal and a drug addict access to an innocent child? If you think there is any other way to look at your boyfriend, think again. Think about the life he has already forced you to live!

This much is certain: as long as he has you as an emotional lifeline he’ll use you; not to get well, but to sustain the illusion of order in his drug addled life. (I’m not really that bad, I still have a girlfriend…etc.) And I’m not saying anything you don’t already know; you’ve known for certain, and for quite a while now, deep down inside, that what you have together isn’t healthy, or you wouldn’t be asking for help.

You need to take care of your child and yourself, and leave him to get the help he needs. It’s the best thing you can do for him and you. That’s about the only way you can help him. My suggestion would be to detach, completely, with love.

Make an appointment with a good therapist, and/or get yourself into a Nar-anon or Al-anon support group and work the steps, and let him find his way further down the ladder or up and out into the light. That part of the journey is his alone. Drug addiction is a tsunami that will sweep over you and your kid in ways you can’t imagine, and no one can help you if you decide to stick around. It’s time to look for higher ground.

shady0807

I can reply to this from the other side. I am an addict who was left by his girlfriend because of my drug use. IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED! I was addicted to Oxycontin as well. I lived for it for quite a few years. I also got into Xanax, methadone, morphine... Pretty much any narcotic I could get my hands on. Most of addicts have to hit bottom before we will even attempt to change, and as long as he has you, he still has something. For me personally, I had to lose EVERYTHING in my life to want to turn it around. I didn't realize all I had until it was all gone. I wanted to get sober and clean for so long, but I was so scared of change. I realized that when the emotional pain and misery in life exceed the fear of change, then change will occur. Me getting clean was the best thing to ever happen to me, and it never would have happened if she would have stayed with me. If he is anything like I was, being around him could be a threat to you and your child. You have to do what's best for you two and not worry about him. He needs a sober influence in his life. Try to go to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting and find someone that would be happy to talk to him. It shouldn't be to hard. Anyone who is in recovery is more than willing to point someone in the right direction. Good luck. It will all work out the way it's supposed to...

ashes922

UPDATE

I have read all of these & ALL are helpful. If I get responses to this update, I will be more than pleased with the answers. I agree with all because I am so confused. I want to stay to be his rock.. But I want to leave so he knows he can't have his CAKE and EAT IT TOO.. ya know? My boyfriend went to Detox.. for 5 days.. for Oxycontin yet also had Xanax in his system but in small amounts. This is after a 5 day binge he went on THE DAY I started this thread! He spent his 280$ income tax mostly on Oxy, over half of it on that, actually. The rest on xanax, weed, & paying to stay at other drug addict's houses because he was kicked out for 5 days. After those 5 days, he checked himself into Detox & said he couldn't do it anymore. That he couldn't believe how far it had gone. He came out of Detox sober & just as beautiful as he always he sober. I had pictures of him the day he left for Detox to show him how bad it really was (I mean when your eyes are crossing on my couch & you're passing out in between being overly talkative & driving me crazy). He refused to look. He always refuses to listen to the ridiculous voicemails he leaves when he's high, as well. Drugs make him SO RUDE. Like, he was high on Oxycontin & was completely happy & was like,"You're so beautiful.. Like even if you were fat, you'd still be beautiful.. I mean you are a little overweight.. but that can fixed right? Tummy tucks arent that much money & it is just baby fat.. and the stretchmarks." I WANTED TO SCREAM RIGHT THEN. Drugs make you not care apparently. He's sober now & trying to stay busy by swimming everyday & playing online games (since he doesn't work at the moment) & his parents let him come home, obviously. Hopefully he can hold out. I told him if he ever feels like doing Oxy, to call me, talk to me about it. I won't judge him or scream, just try to talk him out of it because he is a good person sober & he ruins himself with that stuff...All's been good so far.. But of course, it is just a matter of time..

timbo555

Ashes...

I have a brother 3 years younger than me. The family had him up to the treatment center I went through, we introduced him to AA, and he seemed willing at first do the deal. But he got cold feet and fled back to Florida. That was his choice.

He's getting bad; living on the streets, at times staying with a profoundly co-dependent "rock" who provides him just enough emotional support and shelter to keep him drunk and dependent. I urge his brothers and sisters not to talk to him when he calls drunk. And of course, they know enough not to give him money.

And every day I get that pang in my chest, that urge to hire a detective down in Tampa and go find him and, what, exactly? Kneel on his chest and pour recovery down his throat? No, I am as powerless as he is over this thing. More so, because I can only get sober for me, and even that's just a daily reprieve.

At this point, I am far more likely to get a call from the Hillsboro County Coroner than I am from him, and that sickens me, but I know how to practice hope, which tells me that God can and will if he were sought. Again, that's my brother's choice.

I tell that "rock" down in Tampa that her twisted idea of "love" is going to kill my brother. Do you really want to "love" your boyfriend to death? You do him no great favor by supporting him in any way. Perform for him the supreme act of selflesness. Let him go.

fourmaggie

YOU need AL ANON or NA ANON....this is about YOUR RECOVERY....you can not help him...he needs to do this all on his own...in the meantime...you can go for help FOR YOU....open your mind and listen...the group feels the same as you, feels the pain as you...and you will learn you have choices and then decisions to make for YOUR WELL BEING...