blueglass

I searched all the open forums for it, but haven't found it, and I'm surprised.

I'm 36 years old, daughter of an alcoholic father, and I believe his abuse has caused me to... not grow well as a person. I've been treated for depression for the past 10 years with no real success in getting me back to my usual life. About a year ago I mentioned to my therapist that I thought I might have something called depersonalization disorder. The symptoms vary, but one of the main ones is that you don't feel quite "real". I only mentioned it once, and then didn't bring it up again.

Now that I've done more research on the topic, I think that's exactly what's wrong, and I've been misdiagnosed as having clinical depression - or perhaps I do have depression but that is not the main problem. I've now spoken to my therapist about finding me a psychiatrist who has working knowledge of dissociative disorders, because I feel like I'm on to something that could really turn my life around.

I believe I've had this disorder since possibly age 7. I don't know if it was due to head trauma I sustained at that age, or the first time my father beat me. But what I seem to have done is drawn into myself. I feel as if the real me is somewhere inside my body, operating the rest from a safe distance. I grew up learning to be good at faking, so I doubt anyone is aware that I don't quite function like everyone else. I think I have just learned to mimic others, so I appear fine, but all is not well inside. I thought I just viewed the world as if looking through a camera because I'm artistic, and in truth, it's probably this disorder that fuels my artistic flare.

So.. I was just wondering if anyone else has this problem. I was just tackling my ACoA issues, and now I've got to take this on as well.

thekillerinyou

(((((((Blueglass))))))))

*I LOVE that name

I don't think many people (including myself) know much about the disorder, and I think it's pretty common, oftentimes missed.

Being isolative from others and self, creative, arts etc, ... some things make a lot of sense on their own accord.

~Kelly

:ValB010:

bikewench

Hey Bluegrass....

I can relate to some of the stuff in this article...

http://www.sidran.org/didbr.html


Yeah...
me and my addict...

I've felt for some time that I operate on two levels...

the one I present to the world... and the one I try to cope with...


I have never "lost time"..
but.. I know that I suffer with some of the lessor symptoms...

I have never gone to therapy....
I've tried to deal with my mental issues with God and the Program...
I know from trying to understand my condition that ... the only way out is through...
I have to let the past come forward...
I have to let the memories come...
I have to live it all over again...

Do I feel bloody sorry for myself... ????

you bet..

It's been making my life a living hell...


But.. I will not quit.

Whatever labels we tack on ourselves.. or get tacked on....
We can't let it hold us there....

I am glad that you brought up this topic...

shutterbug

blueglass...i'm not familiar with the illness either, but I believe you are right to think there is something more than depression going on. It seems that most people with depression really do have some other diagnosis that fuels the depression, but since most people only run to a general physician they are never correctly diagnosed.

There are so many different diagnosis' out there that are so similar to each other that I'd venture to bet that half or more of us have been misdiagnosed or not fully diagnosed (meaning there are more than one illnesses to contend with).

In your 10 years of depression...have you ever thought about or tried ECT? You might take a look at it and learn about it b/c there are some depressives who find relief in that kind of therapy. If I had insurance right now...well, I would have tried it along time ago.

I can relate to many of the symptoms you guys have listed....but that's the problem, I think....so many people can relate to SO many symptoms from so many different mental illnesses. I wish someone would totally re-define the different types of mental illnesses to make them easier to diagnose....right now...everything just seems so wishy-washy. Does that make sense?

Hugs and best of luck....please keep us posted as to how things are going and if you find something that really helps.

bikewench

wishy washy...
ain't that the case...

But heck .. they could call it whatever the hay they wanted it they'd just find a flippin cure....!!!!!!!!!!

shutterbug

Amen to that sister!!!!!

blueglass

Hi Everyone!

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.. I had looked back a few times and no one had posted, so I thought perhaps I was the only one.

I checked on amazon.com today to see if there were any books specifically just about depersonalization disorder, but there weren't. It seems that the disorder varies so much from one person to the other. Some experience time lapses, some experience the "surreal" feeling more so in the mornings than at other times, and for others it's brought about by stress, or panic. For me, it's 24/7.

I met with my therapist yesterday, and she took a lot of notes to pass them onto the psychiatrist that the facility has. She said there's a therapist who works there and she knows he deals with people who have dissociative disorders, so there's hope for me finding someone to help. In fact, I have a testing date of April 7th at 9am. I think it's just a paper test because I'm taking it at one of their offices. My therapist also made a note that I took a severe bump on the head in childhood, so they'll probably want to do an EEG or something to make sure it's not a physical issue. I don't think I have a multiple personality issue, but I guess I'll know for sure when my testing is done.

shutterbug, I've never tried ECT, but now that I've made it clear to whoever will listen (and some that won't *lol*) that I intend on getting better, and no more pretending that meds and therapy are working when I still can't function, I think they will search the gamut for anything that will help me. I don't know if it's because of the Wellbutrin that I'm on, but I'm not so depressed anymore. Suicidal thoughts don't even enter my head anymore, and I feel a lot better than I used to when I started therapy 10 years ago. But I'm aware that something is still wrong, or I'd be functioning better than I am currently. I plan on being a very active participant in any therapies that are suggested, doing my own research and asking questions.

There's a website that I joined recently, called Depersonalization Community. http://www.dpselfhelp.com that is full of information on this specific dissociative disorder, and another where a woman recounts her personal experience called Dreamchild http://www.dreamchild.net - her symptoms are a lot like mine.

Dissociative disorders span a vast array of topics, and each is experienced in a different way for everyone. I just wish that I had discovered this a long time ago, but no need crying over spilled milk - I've discovered it now, and all I can do is work on getting better. And I'm SO ready for that!

splendra

I believe when you seek you will find...

shutterbug

I also am doing pretty well on Wellbutrin. I read from the last site you listed and nothing strikes a cord with me...but please keep posting. You never know when another may come along looking to find just one other person who understands and they can find comfort in your thread.

Welcome and hugs,

13NRcrew

Hi, blueglass.
I only just joined this forum. I've been reading around for a while and happened to see your post. I too was wondering if anyone here had a dissociative disorder.

To answer your question: yes, yes I do. I have DID, though I have experienced depersonalization (derealization) as a part of the DID. As I was diagnosed back in 1992, I am very familiar with the continuum of the dissociative disorders. I even give lectures about DID 2 or 3 times a year.

In my experience, ECT is not helpful for dissociative symptoms. However it was very helpful for our suicidal (psychotic) depression that did not respond to any sort of medication. It isn't true for every multiple, but in our case medications don't work because their effectiveness varies depending upon who takes it - or if one person takes it no one else will reap the benefits. This is true whether it's medication for depression, migraines, insomnia or even pain reducers.

The good news is that although we are still multiple (and don't intend to integrate), it is no longer a problem for us. The depersonsonalization and derealization hasn't happened in years. But we had to begin by learning how to ground ourselves. The depersonalization community you joined should be able to help you with that.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone here. It's nice to meet you.

blueglass

It's nice to meet you also 13!

I was relieved when my suicidal thoughts disappeared. My first attempt was when my age was still in the single digits, and the last was at around age 24 - I'm 36 now. It was such a part of me that I appreciated how gradually the urge to do away with myself disappeared. I'm not sure why... maybe because my father died, or a mixture of his death, therapy, and medicines. I really think now if I get this depersonalization under control (or gone, whatever my options are), I'll probably cry tears of happiness for a month!

I can't imagine what it would feel like to function fully as a human being... but then again, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to not be suicidal, and that's been really nice.

As soon as I get my diagnosis, whatever the outcome, I'm thinking of writing a book about my experience. I don't think there's enough information on these things, and so many people could be helped by the simple fact that they're not alone, or crazy.