angelgirl

I am soooooo completely stressed out!!!
Don't know if I can stand all of this crap going on.. I am soooo sick of fighting all of this BS all the time..

I take medication for Bi-polar, depression, and anxiety.
Well, my husband HATES that I take medication, and says that my life is ruled by my meds...

I have been clean from painkillers for over 6 months. This was not easy for me, as many of you know how it is.. I have been through treatment center after treatment center, and detox after detox, over the past I don't know 5 or 6 years, or somthing,, I can't even really think right now....
I finally got it, and have been truly fighting for my life!!

Ok, now some history,,
My mom and dad abused alcohol and street drugs while I was growing up. My dad mostly just smoked pot, but my mom abused harder drugs like LSD and
coke.. But when I was about 13 or so, thye found religion, and my dad stopped doing drugs, and we thought my mom did too, but later I found out from a drug dealer that he was selling drugs to my mom long after my dad quit. Although I believe my mom wanted to stop, she was an addict like me..
My mom also spent alot of time as I was growing up, in the psych ward ( or as she lovingly refered to it, the LOONEY BIN) . She had many, many nervous break downs, and she was medicated with MUCH medication from her psych doctors and she abused those meds, she often "stocked" up on those meds. when she was feeling welll, she just wouldn't take them. Then when she wasn't feeling good, she would double, and even triple her doses, from her stash, and also apparently she was also still buying street drugs from that scummy drug dealer, ( he has since been killed )..

She was an addict. I grew up with this dark cloud over me, missing my mom always so much when she was gone, I loved my mom so much, but I was never going to be like her, never going to take drugs from a doctor, I HATED DOCTORS!!! AFTERALL, in my mind, it was her DOCTORS that caused her problems,, NOT HER.. NOT AN ILLNESS.. Just the DOCTORS!! Well that WAS the way I felt.. Although through my Jr. high years, and High school years, I smoked alot of potl, drank very heavily, and took many illegal drugs,, But to me that was ok, because it was street ddrugs, and not prescribed drugs, from a nut so psych doctor,, Well that was my sick way of thinking.. All of my abuse to drugs and alcohol was ok, because it was illegal... LOL, what a sick way of thinking, huh?? But, that was really honestly what I thought..

Ok, so when I got married, I still had this sick thinking, and my husband who had a wicked mother, I mean wicked, and it didn't take real long before he began to really love my mom, and feel almost that my mom was like his mom..
Everyone loved her, she was so wonderful.. But, my husband also came to hate my moms doctors as well, because he also believed she was on too much medication, and that was really what her biggest problem was. Not that she had an addiction, none of us really knew anything about that, we didn't, we were naieve,, But ya know my mom had even been in treatment when I was young, but still, we just believed even that was her doctors fault. They gave her the meds.. EVERYONE blamed her doctors.


My mom died when she was 46 years old. Due to cancer that was spread through out her body, it was misdiagnosed, they told her for a year, that she had acid reflux, nothing more. That is a whole other story, but we really believe part of the reason they did not take her illness serious, was because of her mental health problems, they felt alot of her symptoms hwere in her head. Really, there was NO reason fior her doctor to miss cancer that was spreading throughout her whole stomach bowels, everywhere excpt that tghey didn't check well enough, they didn't need to they thought, the symptoms were in her head!!

ok, that all really is another story, but I needed to explain why my husband feels like he does,,

Now my problems,, Now I have been clean, and I finally understand that my mom had an addiction problem, and it wasn't ONLY her doctors faults, although some of it was.
My HUSBAND still does NOT get it.. He is harassing the crap outta me now, because I take meds. He wants me off ALL of my medications. I do not feel like I can go off my medications. I have been through alot. I have these mental health problems, and I DO NOT abuse any of my medications for my anxiety, depression, or Bi-polar.. As a matter of fact, even though I do understand that my mom was an addict,, and it wasnt ALL her doctors fault, I still have a hard time every once in a while to, I am afraid of meds that a doctor prescribes, and I often argue about whether I need them or not, and if I can take the smallest dose possible,. But I can't just stop taking the meds. I may relapse, or my life may be he@@ without them, since I am taking them for a REAL reason..

My husband and I had a big fight about it.. I am so tire dof fighting all of this. I have enough other problems, (money, kids, in-laws, etc) that I don't need thsi!!! I swear, I am going to go off the deep end here if he doesn't leave me alone!!

Thanks so much for listening, I needed to get this out,, I really, really did!!
I had an appointment with my therapist today, and I was going to talk to her about this, but she was sick, and it got cancelled.. I needed to get this off my chest.
I love you all!!
Becky

Phinneas

I'm sorry, Becky. That's tough.

Something that I have to learn to accept with my loved ones is that they cannot possible understand or know what I have gone through or what it means to be an addict in recovery because they have not experienced it themselves. The things they say or do... man, they are clueless.

That's why I am so grateful to have a strong community of recovering people around me - they understand because they have been there. My f2f meetings and time spent with the women in recovery are my sanity most days.

Praying for acceptance works for my family, but I admit I don't see them or talk to them every day like you do with your H. I would pray about it and then definitely talk this through with your therapist.

Until then, keep posting. Keep processing.

Hugs,

phinny

Don W

Becky, must wait till I get out of work to read this thread. Hope it helps knowing that until then I'll be thinking of you,

bikewench

Becky....

Losing one's mother to addiction is ...
well...
beyond a tragedy...


who was there for that little girl...



we need certain things to happen as we grow up... to be right..
and a big one is to have a mother that is there for us...

you've been on your own for a long time Angel...

and that's hurt you.. and caused you to use to escape the pain...

but your fighting your way back...
I can feel how hard your working...
and sweetie... you are making progress...
and you are on the right path...

and no...
people that aren't afflicted with a traumatic past do not understand...
but.. we do.. ;o)

and together... we'll straighten out all this shyte.. and blow it off once and for all...
walk free...

just gotta keep acknowledging to ourselves what happened...
release all the pentup pain we were not allowed to express..
stop minimizing the impact it's had on us...
straighten out all the quirky thoughts that keep us prisoner...


just keep seeking...


have faith...
praying for you...

shutterbug

Would there be anyway that your husband could go have a single "information" session with your therapist? Would he go for that? Maybe hearing things from an outsider would help?

OH....AND....ask him if he would be willing to go to a Friends and Family of Bipolars support group?

Tell him to research depression, anxiety and bipolar on his own.....I know that when i was initially researching bipolar D, i came across a lot of literature that explains why it's so important for us to stay on our meds. Maybe reading that kind of information written by a third party would help.

And if he won't read it then just tell him he has no right to talk about something he knows nothing about and doesn't care to even try and understand....and until he decides that it's possible that he could be wrong then you refuse to fight with him about it any longer......just a suggestion.

Hope you find some peace soon.

Hugs,
Jenna

angelgirl

Thanks so much all for your replies,,

Phinny,
Thanks,, I do have much support, I have Celebrate Recovery, that's a 12 step Christian group, they are great, but I haven't dug deep enough yet into what I need to with them, although I will begin the 4th step very soon, and I know alot will come out of me then.. I am very divided in how I feel about the step. One part of me dreads it, but the other part of me is really afraid of the step, but it doesn't matter, I need to get through it, I want to do it, it is part of the process of me getting better, being a happier person. I do fear crying, I hate to cry in front of anyone, it is just in the "hard" part of me.. I am not a real hard person, but I have held feelings for so long, that I have hardened certain parts of me. I know this will help in softening this hard part.. Which is also something I need,.
But I also have other groups, I attended up until this week, dual diagnosis, that is done
this week, but I believe I am beginning the bipolar support group very soon, my therapist wants me to do that, so I am going to check that out. I really like these groups, even if I have to pay for them.. I may do an anxiety support group too. Yep that might sound like alot to some, but hey, the more for me, the better, at least for now.. So I do have support, it's just living with someone that has a problems with my medication. That makes life so difficult, and frustrating. I am dealing as best I can, I just really needed to get it out. Thanks much

Hey bike,

Ya know I love ya girl..

You always understand SO well...

You really are amazing how you can see so much behind what people write, you have a REAL talent,, you should be a counselor.. Really.. Thanks so much for being there always and taking the time to always post such thoughtful posts.

Yes, you are right in how I feel in everything you wrote..

It was an extremely painful childhood, as well as extremely painful once
I lost my mom.. That is really when my life fell apart. I seemed to hold it together
while she was alive, i mean I did do drugs, and drank ALOT, I did seek love in all the wrong places as well, I am sure that contributed to my teenage pregnancy (think?)
I do believe that was me always seeking love,, from anyone really.

I did alot of bad things that got me into alot of sticky situations, as far as men are concerned when I was young. I learned alot the hard way, all seeking the love that I
wanted so badly, that my dad WOULD NOT provide, and my mom wasn't able to often.

I did not grieve when she died, I held it in, and took care of my 48 year old dad, that I hated all of my life, until then, suddenly, we grew close, I was all he had,, I was his friend, his comforter. I took it all on. I just wanted my dad to love me.. But he was using me,, he used me for comfort,, then he got remarried a few years later, and once again, I was dropped off the earth and treated the same as I was treated when I grew up. No understanding, no love, and extremely judgmental and hard on me.. I was so angry. Angry at losing my mom and losing my dad, and I only had my dad for such a short time,, my mom though really too, but I loved her with every single fiber of my being.. Really. That was a horrendous loss for me. I didn't begin to grieve until after
I got into treatment. I still believe I have so much grieveing to do, for so many things..
I talk about my mom here often, and am always afraid someone will say enough already.. But it is terribly painful for me. I did talk about her in my IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) and I started to cry, (which I do NOT do well in public) and
\the counselor said a bit coldly, she has been dead for how long?? and you still are this upset by it??
Well, that took care of me talking about it there. I couldn't anymore. She toild me I needed more therapy. That is when I started my therapy back up..

Anyway,, I know that no one totally understands that hasn't been through addiction, but, I can't deal with the constant grilling over my meds. I am so tired of it.

Thanks all for listening and replying. I appreciate it much!! I do love you all..

Becky

best

Becky

Your husband won't understand, unless he can stand in your shoes. That won't happen so lets try plan #2

You can gather info on line about bi-polar disorders and depression.
The info you would want to gather and print for him to read...
Such disorders can be controled with proper use of meds (Rxs) and that a person who is taking such meds should remain taking them...even when they don't feel the need. Remaining stable is what the meds give. Not taking them allows for the disorder to come back.

angelgirl

Thanks Jenna,

Funny you mentioned that,, I asked him today about getting a day off, he drives semi, and works M-F and he puts in 50-60 hours a week, so he is't normally home until very late, right now we can't at all afford for him to take a day off, at least for just a couple weeks, we need a couple of full checks,,
badly, they are shutting off my, heat, electril, water/sewer, and cable TOMORROW if we can't pay ALL of them with his paycheck, so hopefully it will be enough, because I am behind, and not one of those listed will wait another week.. So, anyway, we have to wait a couple weeks, but I asked him about that, and he has NO vacation left, because last this last spring and last winter when I was using, he had to use ALOT of his vacation at that time, because I was so sick so often, or I was in the hospital, or whatever. I really believe he used at least 3 of the 4 weeks (if not more) of this years vacation up on me and my addiction So he has no vacation left. Oh, I wonder if he harbors any anger and resentment about that?? I think last year was EXACTLY the same iwht his vacation.. BUT ya know what, I am planning that this next year will be different,( if I am still married to him..).. after all of this.. I believe he is just so sick of all of my crap.
But he did agree ti going to an apprt. when he can, and Barb ( my therapist) can get us in, in a couple of weeks. It just makes me angry, because we have been through this before, with my drug and alcohol counselor, LAST YEAR when my whole family (husband and kids) went and had a session with my therapist. She told him I needed to take the meds then?!!!!
I almost feel like he just is picking, or he just doesn't want to underwstand,,. .
I don't know. I just know that I am completely frustrated with it all..

Thanks so much,
\Love,
Becky

shutterbug

I see....and I understand more now about where things are at....so yeah...he's probably frustrated too. And maybe last year he was so stressed out that he didn't want to hear the part about you still needing to take meds? I know i often tune out things i don't want to hear. It's prolly easier for him just think all meds are bad and unnecessary than to have to try and figure them all out. I don't know. Just don't give up....talk with him as frankly and calmly as you possibly can and tell hime how much you desperately need him to stop fighting you on this issue.

Maybe even give him a list of the meds you are taking and tell him to call a pharmasist and ask if any of them are even remotely addictive or able to be abused. It's got to be hard for him to understand...i can see that because of a post a mother wrote several days ago....i'll go fetch the link for you....maybe it will help to see it from the other side and the worries they have?

BRB

shutterbug

Well...there's not much to the thread like i had thought, but here it is anyway if you're interested:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74675

angelgirl

Yes best, you are right
My therapist did give me information to give him to read. I forgot to give it to him, then one a day I was cleaning up my desk and i came across the pamphlets,, I handed them to him, and asked him to read them. He said, Yes, that he would..

Well, I think it was the next day that I picked them up, UN-read.. He didn't bother. I really thought he was going to, but should have figured it wasn't going to be that easy.. I will need to go through this process, until sometimes when he actually reads it.

See, I was recently diagnosed with bi-polar, well, I was diagnosed about
15 years ago, but then it was often called manic -depressant, what a terrible titale, I was younger and more foolish, so all of the doctors and therapists I have seen since then would ask my diagnosis, and I would say, anxiety, and depression, I did NOT want to admit that anyone had labeled me be manic-depressant,, I felt it sounde way to crazy. Until a few months ago, I was diagnosed AGAIn, only now they have a much more politically correct LOL way of saying it, BO-POLAR, (does sound much better doesn't it? )

My point here is, he can really see my depression, he can also see my anxiety, he has ALWAYS seen both in me, I have panic attacks, and that makes the anxiety easy for him to see. But with a recent diagnosis for bi-polar, I believe he just thinks they are all crazy and just labeling me things and wanting to fill me with meds.. I do believe that is what the problem is..

BUT there are more problems.. So many more problems.. I have realized as I thought about it that, there is so much more going on here. We are having some problems. Other problems, and this is his way of taking it out on me..
See, he comes home from work very, very frustrated, from driving all day, as you can imagine what the road rage is like, when you are on the road M-F,, all those hours. Not necessarily him, but the other drivers as well..
He is also having trouble with the boss, but, he is bringing all of this ANNGER home with him, because he has no one else to take it out on, or talk to all day in that semi,, so by the time he comes home, he is ready to rip me apart for whatever, and this is the thing he has picked..
Last night when he came home, it was about 8 oclock PM, and I was cooking his supper and doing laundry, and hanging clothes on the line, just basically trying NOT to sit down at all, because I wasn't feeling well, due to NO sleep the night before, but i didn't want to go to bed that early, I don't liek to take my meds that early, and I also can't go to bed that early, cuz the dog needs to go out much later than that, or she will pee on the floor, so anyway, I kept moving, he began picking about my meds, and nagging abotu them, I was saying little,because I really felt terrible, and was really not in the mood, I was so tired, I just couldn't go there last night,, So I finally said "whats wrong with you".

He said,, " YOU SHOULD VIDEOTAPE YOURSELF SOME NIGHT, AND WATCH YOURSELF, AND SEE HOW YOU ARE,"!!

Well, I stood there for a second with my mouth hanging open, I hadn't done anything wrong, I was only cooking his supper and doing laundry, I hadn't even said much, because I was so sick from no sleep,, Gosh, that hurt ALOT!! It really hit me,, like a cement wall!!

So you see, there is so much more to it than my meds. I am realizing. It just takes me a bit to catch on.. But he is using my meds now as leverage against me.. NOw rhis is his thing,, He is going to continue to fight with me about the meds. I don't know if him reading pamphlets will help at all, BUT I am going to try anyway. I have to..

Thanks Best, for letting me get this out too here.. I neded to,, I have just hit some hard times lately..

LOVE YA,
Becky

bikewench

Becky...

sounds like you have a couple of different issues happening...
your trying to deal with your inner disorder... and your husbands issues as well....

to me.. it sounds like it's been rolled up into one big gigantic painful ball..

But.. your husband has no right to dump on you... no matter how bad his day was... unless he erases it later with a kiss and a hug and an I;m sorry...
so.. tell him I said that.. ;o)


nope..
you just keep working on yourself....
and your gonna get well...
and take good care of yourself...
and be strong against the world...

I believe this...;o)

Don't let the day to day crap get you down...
cause it's stuff your gonna leave behind one day.

just put all your strength and effort into getting well... and blow anything off that detracts from that... even if you only do it in your own mind...

we give ourselves away...
and when we get nothing back to replace that...
we are in negative love state...and that hurts...
lots...

so..

one day at a time...
together...
we will...

praying for you everyday

angelgirl

I LOVE YA BIKE,, That really is about all I can reply to your post,,
You are SO KIND, SO UNDERSTANDING, AND SO WISE!!!!

THANK YOU
I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU!!!

Becky

RX-7

Hello Becky
wondering how you are doing, pray that you are doing well.
Huggs
Ryan

mendingheart

Oh Becky,
YOu are always there for all of us, now is time to be there for YOU. You have worked so very hard to be where you are, and the good news is, you are still willing to see with your eyes open, and know you would like to yet be over there, a little better each and every day.
Take time for you, and do what is working for YOU., No one else remains at home with you during your difficult times and your support system (the ones of a positive kind ) are your anchor to keep up the hard work.
Big hugs to you today, and know I am thinking of you.

troubleathome

I am sorry to hear that your husband is not being supportive-
I can relate- my husband is bi-polar, and has gone to the doctor/therapist because I asked him to go. He is on meds. (doesn't take them the way he should be) and I am completly frustrated with the whole situation! I asked yesterday for any thoughts on my situation. And I recieved a lot of feedback-
I don't want him to stop taking the meds; I just want him to be honest with his docs and take it correctley- he's not helping anyone by what he is doing.
I do not have bi-polar or any other illness- but I do come from a home where my father severly abused illegal drugs while I was growing up- and along the way did form some of his habits. (no longer have these habits)
I cannot imagine what a day is like when you go through an episode- I just know what it is like on my end- and I am thinking it sucks all the way around.
I did talk to my husband last night about some of the things I wrote about yesterday-
And it actually was a good conversation. (must have been a good day for him)
I hope things get better at home for you- I know I hope the same for me as well.
Have a peaceful weekend!

shutterbug

troubleathome.....about your husband taking his meds properly: It helped me to get one of those 7-day dispensers where each day has 4 different compartments and you can pull out just the pills for that day and take them with you in your pocket or purse. Just thought I'd mention in case you might not have tried that yet.

Also.....i gathered up a plethera of info for friends and family of bipolars a while back (at the request of my own former best friend who wanted to understand my illness better) and i put it all into one thread. I will dig it out of the back pages and bring it to the top in case you are interested.

Hang in there....both of you! I know it's rough, but you can make it. I know you can.

Hugs