shutterbug

You said you can understand me and I feel that you do....that's for letting me feel that SOMEbody does.

"love addict" --> that's the best way I've ever heard to describe my fairytale dreams of being loved unconditionally and actively by just ONE person in my life. I AM a love addict...I am also, on occation, a food addict....and I think both come from my child hood of being made to feel bad for needing either. So many times...I knew things would have been better for me if I hadnt' ever had to ask my dad for lunch money and if I hadnt' had to scrounge up something to eat while my step-mom, step-sister and father all set down at the table for a full-course meal nearly every night. And I don't even dare to start talking about what my desires of wanting to feel loved brought me b/c I'm already suicidal enough to pull up any more of THOSE memories at the moment.

margo

Hi Shutterbug - you got some really good replies to this post, including love and encouragement. No one is trying to tell you that your feelings aren't valid, they're just asking you to try to step back and see it from a different perspective. I read the threads in F&F and mostly what I saw were people who were very concerned for you and your safety. The topic of infidelity is a touchy one as many women and men have had alcoholic/addicted partners who have had affairs and it has been a very painful experience for them, myself included, and it is bound to trigger some. To go to the F&F forum and start a thread talking about the love between you and a married man (be it "brother and sister love" or whatever) is something that in hindsight you might have thought twice about. It is up to each of us to post responsibly and to think before hitting the submit button. People will often post looking for someone to cosign their BS, but people who really care do not do that. We don't need to start a forum for just "codie issues" as there is no need - the topic can be addressed on many of the forums that already exist. Try to step out of your hurt for a moment, Jenna, and you will see that this place is filled with people who really do care about you, me included.

splendra

It seems a lot like a surgical procedure. Surgery hurts things get cut and moved and stitched maybe we did not give you enough anesthesia....maybe you have a high tollerance for the anesthesia we used or a low threash hold for pain.

We are all addicts here some like to call themselves codies well that means addict in my book. I think of codie to mean love, romance, sex or, relationship addict. I think these additions are the underlying cause of other addictions. When I call myself a codie I mean I am an addict and my disease is just as deadly as any other addiction. It means I am disconnected from myself and I form psuedo-relatiionships designed to escape intimancy and reality although I tell myself I want to feel close to some one and to be loved but, my obsessive compulsive disorder leads me to do the very things that lead me away from what I say I want. I choose people to have relationships with who are not whole and they being the mirror to my addiction I am deluded thinking they are the source of my joy or sorrow and I keep seeking to control and squeeze out of another individual what I need to find in myself and thru my connection to my HP. I get sicker and sicker until some brave soul comes and has the nerve to cut this tumor out of me with the percission of a surgen their eyes seem like steel as they put me under their knife and they utter words that cut me deep because that tumor has been growing for a long time and buddy it is huge it has been pushing aside all my organs wraping around my nerve fibers making me numb to my pain and it is not the surgery itself that hurts so much as it is the pain that I have not felt for all these years while the tumor grew and took over my whole life it is nobodies fault but, there is lots of room now for grace and healing....

shutterbug

Equus...I know...I wasn't trying to say that you feeling uplifted by handling my situation with kid gloves was or is the wrong thing to do. I respect you immensly for remaining a voice of calmness and reasoning in everything that I can remember that you said. I'm actually glad that others were able to learn SOMEthing, ANYthing from that whole ordeal. It just struck me a little negative in MY eyes...b/c here "I" was hurting while others were healing and I was the one coming to that place to find some healing in the first place. It's kinda like going to the atm to draw out some money and someone comes along and bumps into you and you end up dropping a few dollars without realizing it until later when you go to the grocery store to buy something you really felt you needed. That person or persons who bumped into you DIDN'T mean to make you lose something, they didn't MEAN to end up causing you to have to go without groceries b/c maybe they were trying to push you out of the way of a rambunctious kid on a bike heading directly on a colision course with you......And THEN the next completely innocent person came walking along and found that $10 bill that once was my reason for visiting the atm to begin with. That person did NOTHING wrong by picking up the money found and maybe for the first time in their life they even tried to find the rightful owner...but yet the person who lost it feels upset because someone else now has what they were going after to begin with. And the person who found the money now feels better about themselves because for the first time they didn't just stick it in their pocket and move on...instead they TRIED to help return it to the rightful owner. NO matter....how much EVERYONE in this story had good intentions....the result is that the person who went to the atm to draw out their last few dollars...now has more than when they started with before deciding to go and pull the money out.

I don't know if that analogy makes sense or not. I'm just saying....it's nobody's fault....but the fact is that I am still hurting and others involved in bringing me some of that hurt (however unintentional) where free to carry on with thier lives as if nothing ever happened....except that maybe they felt that they did a good deed for pushing me out of the way of a potential danger.

Does any of that make sense?

I'm really glad that some people were able to put that extra $10 in their pockets to help with the things THEY need to better their lives....I just wish it had not have been MY $10.

I truly believe that I am one of the most non-judgemental people I know. But regardless of how understanding anyone may be or try to be....when people are saying to you things like "how dare you" and "why did you post this" and "why did you come to this forum" and "(this person you care about) a liar, creep, perv, manipulator, adulterer (oh and so are you) and "it's just her disease" and every other demeaning comment that was made....it's just a tad bit difficult to react to that and to judge that they have their own motives in mind instead of wanting to help and support"

And yes...I also understand that the way my thread came across that it seemed as though I was saying "please condon my behavior b/c it's what makes me happy and I want to continue it and be able to supported in that". It took someone pointing that out to me for me to understand that's how it came across even thought that was not my intentions. I understand that I completely presented the entire situation in a very bad way.

And you say "give the same as you would want to get back" -- my ENTIRE life revolves around this...and if it didn't and if I didn't try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt then I would have completely went off on several people yesterday instead of trying to explain myself better. And I don't blame Ryan one bit for doing just that b/c it was VERY hard for me to keep from doing the same. I know I wasn't totally able to do that 100% but I think I should be commended for the way I WAS able to contain my raging emotions to many of the things said to me.

And yeah....as relatively little I may have ended up judging people....you can be ASSURED that I am judging myself completely 100% - no holds barred! And that IS a horrible way to have to live...it's about to push me over the edge and I dont' know how to stop it.

So to tell me to try harder than I did yesterday not to judge other when what they are saying to me are vivid judgements....I take offense to that...since I truly believe I stood as strong and as still as I could have...more so that many others possibly could have under those conditions and while already struggling with myself so much BEFORE any of that even happened.

that whole judging part you said...I know you are TRYING to teach me something there....but it's just like what Gooch or someone else tried to do the same in what he said in my final thread. He said "this forum didn't hurt you".

Sometimes....there truly is a time when enough is enough you need to take a step back from trying to teach someone any more about their wrong doings or wrong ways of looking at things.

People, especially sensitive and severly depressed people like myself, can only take so many "face reality's" and "you're thinking is off" and lessons what he was trying to teach me that "it's not the FORUM that hurt you...it's that you ALLOWED yourself to be hurt...that no one can hurt you unless YOU allow them to."....people can sometimes ONLY take SO MUCH in one day or even one week.

Got it dude. It's a good lesson to learn...I just didn't need anyone else to point out my wrongful thinking when HE and YOU can plainly see that I'm already hurting and kicking myself enough. I feel like i'm continueing to be kicked while I'm already on the floor.

The time for me to try and learn something from any of this has far passed at the moment b/c if I don't tend to my deadly emotions first then that WILL be the result in my life shortly....death. I just can't handle being told any more that I have MORE things to work on b/c it would be SO EASY right now to just jump off that 10th floor and be free from it all together just to be able to escape what already feels like an impossible life of hurts to ever truly heal from and someday become healthy inspite of. Don't give me any more to try and "think" about and "learn" about right now....please....I just need to be able to try and survive at the moment.

It's like telling a starving person, laying in their death bed, to get up and wash the dishes that have piled up in the sink from when there USE to be food around.

Why not instead go find them some food to eat! Instead of trying to tell them what they should do or that they are lazy for not tending to the dishes dispite their current situation.

Like I said....sometimes...enough is enough. Let me get to a point where I am not starving to death before trying to teach what things I need to do to keep from ever getting in such bad shape to begin with...it just doesnt' make sense that way and it NEVER works. Heal first THEN teach when the right time comes.

shutterbug

ASpouse...I am truly fighting myself tooth and nail at the moment to be as compassionate and understanding with these words as I possibly can. I know that you truly do not realize how the above words come across to me and what they represent to ME...so I will not let myself become as reactive as my whole body and mind is screaming to be at this moment.

Just please....try and understand...that if you DON'T understand someone else's illness then it's usually best to keep your opinions quiet and let those who do respond.

And I am quite capable of understanding quite a lot of things which is why I able to maintain this much composure at the moment. But just for your own personal knowledge....just because I am mentally ill...that does not mean that I don't have any common sense and can't understand what others are telling me (I may be chosing to shut off some of those things and not think about them at the moment to keep myself from a total breakdown - but I do and can understand what most people are trying to explain. In fact...again...just for your personal knowleged....I have scored in the genius level range on several IQ tests...as do a great MANY people with mental illnesses. (For one a prime example: Abraham Lincoln also was bipolar and suffered from severe depression and suicidal tendencies).

Just my two cents....hope you can understand that I have no ill feelings toward you...just some of the words that have been chosen and used.

hopealwayz

Jenna,
Please don't leave.
You are wanted around here and I hope you always remember that.
Big hugs for you.

bikewench

Jenna...

you were awesome...!!

you handled it very well.. and still are...
your trying to work through your hurt feelings... and everyone should just let you do that.

I mean.. goshamighty... stuffing shyte got us here in the first place...

yeah..
feelings aren't on a light switch..
but man.. I wish they were.. ;o)

you just keep speaking your truth Shutter.. !!!

Don W

Eveyone, If your here to argue please return to F and F. This is a mental health recovery board. Personal issues shouldn't be aired here. Moving from board to board in order to argue isn't good for yourselves or others. I've been made aware that these same problems have been dicussed over at F and F. Why have you moved here? Please stay aware that people just into recovery or identifing their mental issues come here. PM's are there to discuss personal issues. I think everyone needs to take a moment and step back. Focus on issues not personalities. I don't think it is proper to discuss another member in public forum. I've decided to lock this thread. It is heading in the wrong direction. Everyone is welcome to redirect there focus on recovery on another thread. Don W