Jared112987

I've been clean for 1 month and 4 days. Everything seemed going great, no more anger, happy with how life was becoming eaiser, but in the last week or so I've been getting really bad anger outbursts and the worst part is I only take them out on my mom who really has done her best even while using to make my life as best she can. I've said some horrible things to her latly as I did while using, but I really lash into her now and for no reason. I've noticed I get worried about her dying alot latly and today she was supposed to pick me up from school for a doctors appointment at 1:15 and she didnt show up until 1:40 the whole time I really thought she crashed her car because she's allways on time, she then said she got caught in traffic and I lost it yelling that there was no traffic in that time of day and that she ***** everything up. I've been using that one alot latly, telling her she only ***** my life up and does nothing good and she's worthless when that's the way I felt about myself while using. My mom used to really care when I would say these things but after years of this verbal abuse she's just immune to it. I know she doesn't care about me anymore and she really does hate me, and she has reason to with the things I've said and done. Yet she just doesnt seem to get how hard of a time I'm going through, she just keeps pushing and doesnt give up, saying things time after time that make me explode. It's no reason for me to do so and I really know I'm an ******* who treating her the way I do, because she's the last person who deserves it. I'm at such a crossroads here, I finally got my life and **** together but now I'm treating her terrible and I've lost the caring and loving mother I once had. She is th eonly thing in my life to remain constant and I've even managed to **** that up. I feel so much anger and resentment towards her because I dont agree with decsisions she's made for me in the past and believe they contributed to my demise, but I know she only did them in love and in desperation. I feel so terrible for my actions and words towards her, I really have no control over myself it's horrible. Like now that I'm probation and I say sometihng to her like shut up, opr your lazy she pulls this your not following teh rulles of the house and thas violation of probaiton and I'm telling ur PO. Oh man I cannot explain how irrate this makes me, Im going through such a rough time and I used to put holes in the walls and completly freak out and she pulls this ******** over stupid ****? It really makes me want to ******* choke her when he threatens me with probation because she tihnks she can control me and have the upper hand and I love my mom but this makes me want to really hurt her. And the worst part is she does it all the ******* time she just doesnt get that I lose it when ever she says it or she doesnt care. I've really lost it hardcore in the last couple days and really doesnt want a realtionship with me because of it and at this point I'm fine with it, but I have no where to go. I know what I do is wrong but she has no consideration for how hard this all is for me to take on at once. Rome wasn't built in a day. I cant change myself completly that fast it irritates me so bad. Like I'm trying so hard and doing so well everywhere eles but I know I'm destroying what little of a bond we have left, if it's even there anymore. I know I make her unhappy and can tell from her blank expression and she tells me I robbed her of her life because of all the trouble I've been in and I will not show anyone she wants into her life respect, which is wrong but in a way I dont care I shouldnt have to respect anyone she wants in her life she can go have that life without me I dont want to meet any of her friends or her boyfriend or w/e the **** he is. I can go live with my dad but it will ruin what I have going for me, he's a rich alcoholic/x-pothead still smokes a few times a month. I dont know what the **** to do anymore, I keep plugging away at school and staying clean but in the mean time I break her down all the time. I cant even appolijize because I've done so so many times it means nothing to her anymore. It's like I used her all up, and it sickens me because she was once a happy proud mom and now she's just existing. I would and couldnt even if I wanted to but sometimes I just feel that everyones life would be better if I just took myself out of this world by swallowing a bottle of percs, atleast I'd die feeling the way I did escaping problems. I would never ever do it but still I feel helpless I dont mean to do what I do and I know I ****** up major in the past with drugs and the way I treated everyone around me. But I'm doing all I can to keep myself out of jail and doing so well and she just threatens me like its nothing with violations that will end me and ruin me worse than I already did to myself. I feel like I'm going crazy I get so angry like theres an animal inside me they way I did while I used only it bearly comes out and when it does its allways towards her. My only way of staying sober is staying in this house, but it could also land me in more trouble or destroying her more than I already have and it bothers me so much I really just want to leave her so she can have a life without me and be happy but on the other hand I'm selfish by thinking, would I really have these issues if she hadnt had me put on depression meds when I was 10 and my parents split up and I wasnt even depressed at the time? or If I leave I'm going to **** it all up and it isnt worth it for her to be happy because she caused me to be unhappy and angry almost everytime I was. But the difference is she does so unintentionally she relaly doenst know how she affects me or just cant understand it. She cannot take critizisiom and I just dont know what to do. I'm scared I'm really gonna lose it, I know she says she doesn't care about me or care what I say but in a way I think she does, but in another I see how blank she is now and I really think I might have caused permenent damage. I feel so lost and feel like I have together in all other aspects of life but I'm spiraling with my anger. And its only takin out on her.

pedagogue

I think a good start would be to write your mother a letter explain much of what you said up top. I think a letter might be easier than talking face to face (just an assumption) I think that letter will go a long way.

Parents don't know all of the answers, but I am sure she is trying.

-pedagogue

pedagogue

You might also want to inquire at your school for some counseling...specifically anger management counseling. You do not know how to deal properly with your emotions, and a counselor may be able to help you.

-pedagogue

equus

Do you think you might be getting some excess anxiety? Raised adrenaline can make people cranky, and make it harder to control their temper.

If this makes sense to you - if you find you worry too much or that you get physical symptoms like sweating, increased heart rate when you worry, then it might be worth having a chat with your doc. It's something that's very treatable.

pedagogue

Anxiety can play a role, but it does not seem to be the root of his problem, I think anxiety may be a symptom/by-product of a larger problem. You have A LOT of conflict involving/revolving around our mother....but I think it is probably more about you, and much less about her. I really think you should talk to someone about this, because it won't go away. You may be able to develop some coping skills in the interim to treat the symptoms (feelings of rage, impulsivity, etc), but you'll eventually need to address the problem.

What do you think?

-pedagogue

equus

I think if it makes sense to Jared then he should talk to a doctor. Anxiety is real and powerful and if someone is experiencing the surge of adrenaline equal to that of a car crash without the actual crash it CAN make it extremely hard to rationalise feelings and events.

However the crux is to begin a dialogue with a doctor. Jared - I feel strongly you need to talk to someone, please don't just live with this and hope it'll go away.

Jared112987

I have to do counseling for probation once a week, and I've talked ot the guy about it. And I have to talk to once at school for probation to. I don't trusts doctors and I'm doing much better now, me and my mom arn't fighting much as all for the last 3 days, we don't talk that much because I'm allways in my room doing homework or lifting but when we talk I made it a point not to lose it and havent. I might have anxiety, I probably do but it's not terrible it goes away and I get my mind off it . I just got a lot of **** goin on right now and I just can't wait to put it all behind me. I put the drugs and the old lifestyle behind me, I just wanna get this other case done, do good on probation, get off and go on with my life the way it is right now. Thanks for you imput and suggestions.

pedagogue

I hope you can get past it, but my concern is that if you don't address the problem...you won't get past it. You need to what works for you, but please don't do something because you are unwilling to give a doctor a chance.

-pedagogue

Jared112987

I've never dealt with it, I'm a good kid when I'm not using but I've allways had this other side to me that was dangerous, when I used it was alot worse though. It's kinda like an edge but it gets me into trouble sometimes but since quiting it only comes out at my mom and I have not lost it on her in the last few days and dont plan to. I'm lifting so much I have no energy to fight. I realized that the more I lift and the heavier the weights it takes my anger away and I feel a high. I've started lifting 4 times a day really intensely, I've been taking L-glutamine which heals your muscles in a couple hours so I can lift all I want. Don't worry its not a drug, its the amino acid your body creates that helps many different functions in the body.

equus

You're trying to look after your body right? You know if you want to be in good shape you have to do something, true?

You understand how a chemical can effect a muscle? You understand the body makes chemicals too? You know the brain is part of our body? You know the brain makes and uses chemicals to let us think and make decisions?

So - knowing all of that what would it take to get the penny to drop with you that you have to look after your mind too? That just the same as your biceps you have to work and do stuff to care for it?

If you walked into a room with your mum and you were thin, your skin drawn, your muscles wasting - would you see a certain look on her face? Is that the same look you see when what's happening in your head is showing?

Jared, it's not so bad just to talk to a doctor, the more adult you become the more they treat you as one and making the decision to talk to them would be very mature. It would show you can apply what you know about the muscles in your arms to the muscle in your head!!

splendra

(((Jared))))

Have you found your HP yet? I would like to reckomend that you get some help finding your HP if not and if you have a concept of your HP I would like to suggest that you start praying, Pray about your anger and about your relationship with your mom. Ask God to show you something wonderful!! And expect something wonderful to show up....best of all it is drug free to turn to your HP