Increasing Severity in Depression and Symptoms
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Increasing Severity in Depression and Symptoms
Heyyyy, everyone.
So, I'm pretty much at my wits' end. It just feels sometimes like nothing helps? I've had several coping mechanisms (some healthy, some not--good coping includes things like writing, art, sports, reading, etc. while unhealthy tools include developing eating disorders) and over the past year or so my anxiety and depression have become almost unmanageable. I'm functioning bare minimally--like I take care of the kids and pets and keep the housework done, but that's about it. And even then I'm kind of on autopilot--it's like I'm not even inside my body or present mentally. If I was working, I wouldn't be able to maintain reliability as an employee, since my reserves are just completely maxed out regarding functionality.
I tried recently to get back into rhythms that have always at least helped with depression and anxiety symptoms, namely running and restorative stretching and getting back to working toward some of my longstanding running goals. Within a week and a half, I was horrendously sick and unable to run until I recuperated, which hurled me right back into the throes of just being terrifically depressed, which then jumpstarted a lot of anxiety. There has also been a hint of nihilism about everything as a result--like why bother doing anything? This has been a pattern. I'll try to go back to the coping tools I know work for my mental health, only to end up too sick to keep it up for longer than a month at a throw. On average, I get sick every 6-10 weeks, and nothing I've done has made any difference in whether I get sick or not (supplements, sleep, stress management, etc.) I feel like crap 24/7--I have a handful of annoying health issues that refuse to be mitigated in spite of my absolute best efforts. Skating, which I treat strictly as play for the sake of play, has even sounded too arduous.
The anxiety has started to affect my sleep now, keeping me from falling asleep, and when I do fall asleep, bringing about really, really, REALLY bad nightmares. I can't EXPLAIN how utterly exhausted I am. WHAT THE HECK!
I can't seem to shake thoughts of my mom, and I'm not entirely sure why--maybe it's the fact that I watched Yellowjackets and Juliette Lewis' character looks a LOT like her. My oldest daughter and husband agreed immediately when I brought it up. In any case, I keep revisiting the week leading up to her actual death.
It was a bad week--like I was eight months pregnant and incapable of doing much outside of lying on the couch and eating and trying to survive the resulting achalasia attacks. My stepdad showed up at our house at random one morning and mentioned my mom was in the ICU and that it was decidedly not good. An accidental overdoing it on the blood pressure medicine, I was told.
Going into her room, it was worse than what I'd been led to believe. She was completely unresponsive and on life support. And it wasn't an accident--she overdosed on her blood pressure medication, which she actually recovered from, but then she vomited and aspirated and wound up in multiple systems failure. That was how she wound up in the state she was in.
The next days proceeded strangely--she was making gains, she wasn't making gains, she shouldn't have care escalated, she should, etc. I spent full days with my stepdad in my mom's hospital room, just trying to make it through each one reading The Witch Elm and texting family. The palliative team came by repeatedly. Doctors came in with updated treatment plans and suggestions. Nurses did the same. She didn't wake up once and didn't respond to any stimuli in this time. If she pulled through, she was going to have severe cognitive implications and would lose several fingers due to the low blood pressure.
Halfway through the Week From Hell, things came to a head and it was looking like it was time to pull the plug. My stepdad picked me up to drive me to see her and convene with my siblings. On the way, he rear ended a car in front of us--which then landed me in the hospital for an emergency ultrasound and monitoring and stress testing.
Two days later, it was official that there was no hope for her and so my stepdad opted not to escalate care. She died several hours following.
I had the baby some weeks following (thankfully I made it to 37 weeks and change.) I had to be induced due to preeclampsia/high blood pressure and an abrupt decrease in amniotic fluid. It was a traumatically painful experience as I didn't get the epidural with it... yikes. But! The baby was completely healthy and fine. PHEW. He's almost fifteen months old now and just a total joy. (Sappy mom moment. I freaking LOVE him. And my other two.) <3
Six months or so after, my dad had three strokes. He's still recovering and not back to his old self. He's working hard toward it, but it's so hard to see literally the strongest man in the room go through this. He was legit like a comic book hero--big, capable, selfless, funny. The proportions and appearance were the same (think Batman Animated Series Bruce Wayne, Superman, Buzz Lightyear, Mr. Incredible, Brom Bones, etc.) I really think the shock of my mom caught up to him and that contributed to his strokes.
For some reason, I haven't been able to pull myself out of the experiences of that week. I'm not sure I ever really processed that week's events, to be honest. So much was happening around it with the baby and the kids and my AH's drinking and (very) recent sobriety and everything else and then my dad getting sick and so on. I feel like enough time has gone by that I should be feeling better than what I do, and I just don't. If anything, I'm just going downhill. WHY?
I have no idea if this should be classified as like. A traumatic!experience, but who knows.
As it stands, I just keep feeling more and more depressed, pessimistic, angry, anxious, on a hair trigger, sleepless, purposeless, and lost. I don't know if it's because of the events leading up to now or if it's my brain going completely wonky or some weird prolonged PPD or whatever. I know they say there's no time limit on grief, but longer than a year sounds like it's time to pack up the BS and start functioning more.
I'm in therapy but there's always so much to pick through I don't seem to make any real progress at any point. Should I do a grief support group--like is that even a thing? At least my Lexapro is HOPEFULLY being renewed... it's not the MOST helpful medication but it DOES take the edges off. How the heck do I improve my sleep when even sleep aids and all the sleep hygiene BS methods don't seem to do anything? How do I axe the irritability and ENDLESS EXHAUSTION? These are REAL QUESTIONS BRUH.
I hope all of you are well. Hugs to all!
So, I'm pretty much at my wits' end. It just feels sometimes like nothing helps? I've had several coping mechanisms (some healthy, some not--good coping includes things like writing, art, sports, reading, etc. while unhealthy tools include developing eating disorders) and over the past year or so my anxiety and depression have become almost unmanageable. I'm functioning bare minimally--like I take care of the kids and pets and keep the housework done, but that's about it. And even then I'm kind of on autopilot--it's like I'm not even inside my body or present mentally. If I was working, I wouldn't be able to maintain reliability as an employee, since my reserves are just completely maxed out regarding functionality.
I tried recently to get back into rhythms that have always at least helped with depression and anxiety symptoms, namely running and restorative stretching and getting back to working toward some of my longstanding running goals. Within a week and a half, I was horrendously sick and unable to run until I recuperated, which hurled me right back into the throes of just being terrifically depressed, which then jumpstarted a lot of anxiety. There has also been a hint of nihilism about everything as a result--like why bother doing anything? This has been a pattern. I'll try to go back to the coping tools I know work for my mental health, only to end up too sick to keep it up for longer than a month at a throw. On average, I get sick every 6-10 weeks, and nothing I've done has made any difference in whether I get sick or not (supplements, sleep, stress management, etc.) I feel like crap 24/7--I have a handful of annoying health issues that refuse to be mitigated in spite of my absolute best efforts. Skating, which I treat strictly as play for the sake of play, has even sounded too arduous.
The anxiety has started to affect my sleep now, keeping me from falling asleep, and when I do fall asleep, bringing about really, really, REALLY bad nightmares. I can't EXPLAIN how utterly exhausted I am. WHAT THE HECK!
I can't seem to shake thoughts of my mom, and I'm not entirely sure why--maybe it's the fact that I watched Yellowjackets and Juliette Lewis' character looks a LOT like her. My oldest daughter and husband agreed immediately when I brought it up. In any case, I keep revisiting the week leading up to her actual death.
It was a bad week--like I was eight months pregnant and incapable of doing much outside of lying on the couch and eating and trying to survive the resulting achalasia attacks. My stepdad showed up at our house at random one morning and mentioned my mom was in the ICU and that it was decidedly not good. An accidental overdoing it on the blood pressure medicine, I was told.
Going into her room, it was worse than what I'd been led to believe. She was completely unresponsive and on life support. And it wasn't an accident--she overdosed on her blood pressure medication, which she actually recovered from, but then she vomited and aspirated and wound up in multiple systems failure. That was how she wound up in the state she was in.
The next days proceeded strangely--she was making gains, she wasn't making gains, she shouldn't have care escalated, she should, etc. I spent full days with my stepdad in my mom's hospital room, just trying to make it through each one reading The Witch Elm and texting family. The palliative team came by repeatedly. Doctors came in with updated treatment plans and suggestions. Nurses did the same. She didn't wake up once and didn't respond to any stimuli in this time. If she pulled through, she was going to have severe cognitive implications and would lose several fingers due to the low blood pressure.
Halfway through the Week From Hell, things came to a head and it was looking like it was time to pull the plug. My stepdad picked me up to drive me to see her and convene with my siblings. On the way, he rear ended a car in front of us--which then landed me in the hospital for an emergency ultrasound and monitoring and stress testing.
Two days later, it was official that there was no hope for her and so my stepdad opted not to escalate care. She died several hours following.
I had the baby some weeks following (thankfully I made it to 37 weeks and change.) I had to be induced due to preeclampsia/high blood pressure and an abrupt decrease in amniotic fluid. It was a traumatically painful experience as I didn't get the epidural with it... yikes. But! The baby was completely healthy and fine. PHEW. He's almost fifteen months old now and just a total joy. (Sappy mom moment. I freaking LOVE him. And my other two.) <3
Six months or so after, my dad had three strokes. He's still recovering and not back to his old self. He's working hard toward it, but it's so hard to see literally the strongest man in the room go through this. He was legit like a comic book hero--big, capable, selfless, funny. The proportions and appearance were the same (think Batman Animated Series Bruce Wayne, Superman, Buzz Lightyear, Mr. Incredible, Brom Bones, etc.) I really think the shock of my mom caught up to him and that contributed to his strokes.
For some reason, I haven't been able to pull myself out of the experiences of that week. I'm not sure I ever really processed that week's events, to be honest. So much was happening around it with the baby and the kids and my AH's drinking and (very) recent sobriety and everything else and then my dad getting sick and so on. I feel like enough time has gone by that I should be feeling better than what I do, and I just don't. If anything, I'm just going downhill. WHY?
I have no idea if this should be classified as like. A traumatic!experience, but who knows.
As it stands, I just keep feeling more and more depressed, pessimistic, angry, anxious, on a hair trigger, sleepless, purposeless, and lost. I don't know if it's because of the events leading up to now or if it's my brain going completely wonky or some weird prolonged PPD or whatever. I know they say there's no time limit on grief, but longer than a year sounds like it's time to pack up the BS and start functioning more.
I'm in therapy but there's always so much to pick through I don't seem to make any real progress at any point. Should I do a grief support group--like is that even a thing? At least my Lexapro is HOPEFULLY being renewed... it's not the MOST helpful medication but it DOES take the edges off. How the heck do I improve my sleep when even sleep aids and all the sleep hygiene BS methods don't seem to do anything? How do I axe the irritability and ENDLESS EXHAUSTION? These are REAL QUESTIONS BRUH.
I hope all of you are well. Hugs to all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
(((JanuaryStarlight))). I am so sorry for the trauma in your life. You have been through so much.
Grief support may be of help to you. Grieving is hard work; support during this time could help you understand the process and deal with the varying stages.
Grief support may be of help to you. Grieving is hard work; support during this time could help you understand the process and deal with the varying stages.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
This is a lot to be going through JS, so much for one person to have on their plate and be dealing with. I agree with Leigh, any type of support or possibly a wellness professional, group support possibly (?) and maybe even a tweak to your Lexapro or another type of medication.
The things I mentioned above were my lifelines in early recovery along with AA meetings and lots of fresh air and sunshine, surrounding myself with friends in sobriety, and even taking on some service work to give me a focus on others rather than my anxiety and depression. It helped with tackling "life on lifes terms".
The things I mentioned above were my lifelines in early recovery along with AA meetings and lots of fresh air and sunshine, surrounding myself with friends in sobriety, and even taking on some service work to give me a focus on others rather than my anxiety and depression. It helped with tackling "life on lifes terms".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 19
I know Lexapro really helps me, but I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones. Talking about it with people who I feel really see me helps as well. There are some people who think A&D are your fault and you can tell and it only makes it worse. It’s okay to solicit and accept affirmation from people who know it isn’t your fault.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
So behind on these—sorry guys. Notifications didn’t come my way!
Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. ❤️ The spring session at the therapeutic riding center I volunteer at started up a few weeks ago and that’s helped a lot.
Since this post though I have been sick two separate times. It’s so frustrating 😖 Not only is running imperative to my mental health, but I also have running goals I want to accomplish and I’m not getting younger so the constant illnesses are a serious problem and massive setback. I started taking an immune supplement so hopefully that will help.
Hopefully y’all are healthy. Lots of love!
Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. ❤️ The spring session at the therapeutic riding center I volunteer at started up a few weeks ago and that’s helped a lot.
Since this post though I have been sick two separate times. It’s so frustrating 😖 Not only is running imperative to my mental health, but I also have running goals I want to accomplish and I’m not getting younger so the constant illnesses are a serious problem and massive setback. I started taking an immune supplement so hopefully that will help.
Hopefully y’all are healthy. Lots of love!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
