Abuse I've never got through
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 69
Abuse I've never got through
This is a massive tangle in my life which stems from and involves many things. To keep it as short as possible, I will list a few bullet points.
Grew up in a house where my nan was owner. Lived with her, my uncle (mums brother) and mum.
Growing up was ok mostly. Sadly though we had Parkinsons disease in our family. Here's some points.
- Mums bro was diagnosed at 30.
- Mum was diagnosed at 35
As a kid, considering the "weird" living conditions, growing up was ok. We especially enjoyed Christmas as it was a time to take all the bad away and enjoy the good with festive events.
One thing... Mum and nan would often argue like anything plus they were stubborn. Nan was always someone who was dismissive of anyone else's views. Her house, her rules, her say on everything and that was that. Mum and her used to argue easily which lead to weeks of silence (I'm mums son, so even though it was nothing to do with me as I was at school when they fell out, I was also given the silent treatment).
Anyway lets get to the point here.
What makes me feel so low is teens and adulthood. My mum was further advanced with her parkinsons disease at that point and needed help from me and nan.
Well, remember what I said about nan being a dismissive sort? I'd make a suggestion and be told to shut my mouth and get out by nan.
So in a way no longer was it where mum and nan fell out, but it was me and nan. It's really emotional abuse.
I mean heck, nan would lose her temper with mum, hit her, I'd try and defend mum and then nan would retaliate on me.
After the incident, due to that grudge nature of nan and always denying she did anything wrong, it would always be blamed on me. I could never resolve an argument with her because she always dismissed anything I said and claimed she never did a thing wrong.
Worse still, my mother who needed nan for the intimate tasks knew what nan was like (from all her fallouts when I was a child) and yet was a coward. She needed nan for some helps with her care so wouldn't stand up to her and actually behind my back would agree with nan and bad mouth me too. Even though I did nothing wrong.
I was struggling with my own mental health problems so that was the last thing I needed.
It makes me feel low each day, just how my own family who are dead but I still love were such a**holes, and yet because they are dead, It twists around in my head to only think of the good times that I miss.
For example, I miss my mum from when I was a child. The mum I had as a kid. But I hate the majority of how she was when I was in my late teens and an adult.
So often to get by I just have days in tears missing my mum thinking of the good past up until I was about 11. Other days to try and get by I think of what a complete b!tch she was and how her behaviour when she knew what nan was like was evil and she deserved to die.
Grew up in a house where my nan was owner. Lived with her, my uncle (mums brother) and mum.
Growing up was ok mostly. Sadly though we had Parkinsons disease in our family. Here's some points.
- Mums bro was diagnosed at 30.
- Mum was diagnosed at 35
As a kid, considering the "weird" living conditions, growing up was ok. We especially enjoyed Christmas as it was a time to take all the bad away and enjoy the good with festive events.
One thing... Mum and nan would often argue like anything plus they were stubborn. Nan was always someone who was dismissive of anyone else's views. Her house, her rules, her say on everything and that was that. Mum and her used to argue easily which lead to weeks of silence (I'm mums son, so even though it was nothing to do with me as I was at school when they fell out, I was also given the silent treatment).
Anyway lets get to the point here.
What makes me feel so low is teens and adulthood. My mum was further advanced with her parkinsons disease at that point and needed help from me and nan.
Well, remember what I said about nan being a dismissive sort? I'd make a suggestion and be told to shut my mouth and get out by nan.
So in a way no longer was it where mum and nan fell out, but it was me and nan. It's really emotional abuse.
I mean heck, nan would lose her temper with mum, hit her, I'd try and defend mum and then nan would retaliate on me.
After the incident, due to that grudge nature of nan and always denying she did anything wrong, it would always be blamed on me. I could never resolve an argument with her because she always dismissed anything I said and claimed she never did a thing wrong.
Worse still, my mother who needed nan for the intimate tasks knew what nan was like (from all her fallouts when I was a child) and yet was a coward. She needed nan for some helps with her care so wouldn't stand up to her and actually behind my back would agree with nan and bad mouth me too. Even though I did nothing wrong.
I was struggling with my own mental health problems so that was the last thing I needed.
It makes me feel low each day, just how my own family who are dead but I still love were such a**holes, and yet because they are dead, It twists around in my head to only think of the good times that I miss.
For example, I miss my mum from when I was a child. The mum I had as a kid. But I hate the majority of how she was when I was in my late teens and an adult.
So often to get by I just have days in tears missing my mum thinking of the good past up until I was about 11. Other days to try and get by I think of what a complete b!tch she was and how her behaviour when she knew what nan was like was evil and she deserved to die.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 69
I know its been a longer than planned post, oops but I appreciate the time anyone has taken to read it. It really means a lot as this is probably one one the biggest and hardest to move on from issues for me.
When I was in my 20's nan would get angry with mum and hit her. I'd defend mum. Nan would take it out on me (as said). Mum would thank me for defending her.
Yet with mum, it was like if she was on bad terms with someone, she would give them the silent treatment for weeks. Nan was like that too (thus how it was when they argued when I was a kid). As mum needed nan for intimate tasks she never wanted me to do, they had to talk again soon after.
Well talking meant mum was on good terms with her again. The problem was, nan could and did hold a grudge against me because I defended mum.
Nan would then speak badly about me to mum behind my back due to this "grudge" which sort of manipulated mum into thinking I was a bad person who had a go at nan for no reason (sheesh, I had a go at nan because she slapped mum in the face and grabbed her arm so hard it caused bruises). Even though mum knew what nan was like, the fact they were talking because of care needs meant mum could be manipulated to think badly of me.
The sh!t she wrote about me because of this. Letters to friends saying I'm a disgrace, shes ashamed to call me her son, how I always cause nan problems.
Admittedly I swore at nan but it was a natural thing. I see her slap mum in the face and say "Stop f*****g hitting her you evil b!tch". That's normal though right? It upset me so much.
I had no way out. I couldn't move out because mum needed me for some care tasks and also I was defending her. I couldn't report it because she would be put in a care home and I saw the impact a care home had on my uncle, he went downhill so rapidly.
Actually I did subtly try and report some abuse but I wasn't believed because they would say "no way, your elderly nan wouldn't do that". I recorded evidence of the abuse but decided against handing it in because mum would have to go in a care home and die sooner.
Just feels better getting it all out there and even if one person believes me (I've got the proof recordings I could post up), it helps.
When I was in my 20's nan would get angry with mum and hit her. I'd defend mum. Nan would take it out on me (as said). Mum would thank me for defending her.
Yet with mum, it was like if she was on bad terms with someone, she would give them the silent treatment for weeks. Nan was like that too (thus how it was when they argued when I was a kid). As mum needed nan for intimate tasks she never wanted me to do, they had to talk again soon after.
Well talking meant mum was on good terms with her again. The problem was, nan could and did hold a grudge against me because I defended mum.
Nan would then speak badly about me to mum behind my back due to this "grudge" which sort of manipulated mum into thinking I was a bad person who had a go at nan for no reason (sheesh, I had a go at nan because she slapped mum in the face and grabbed her arm so hard it caused bruises). Even though mum knew what nan was like, the fact they were talking because of care needs meant mum could be manipulated to think badly of me.
The sh!t she wrote about me because of this. Letters to friends saying I'm a disgrace, shes ashamed to call me her son, how I always cause nan problems.
Admittedly I swore at nan but it was a natural thing. I see her slap mum in the face and say "Stop f*****g hitting her you evil b!tch". That's normal though right? It upset me so much.
I had no way out. I couldn't move out because mum needed me for some care tasks and also I was defending her. I couldn't report it because she would be put in a care home and I saw the impact a care home had on my uncle, he went downhill so rapidly.
Actually I did subtly try and report some abuse but I wasn't believed because they would say "no way, your elderly nan wouldn't do that". I recorded evidence of the abuse but decided against handing it in because mum would have to go in a care home and die sooner.
Just feels better getting it all out there and even if one person believes me (I've got the proof recordings I could post up), it helps.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
That's a lot of weight to carry around Sam.
Have you been able to talk to a therapist at all?
If that's not in the cards, perhaps a support group for survivors of abuse? Abuse like that is incredibly difficult to deal with as a child, as you well know. You are basically defenseless.
This is something that you really need support for an I hope you will reach out for that.
Have you been able to talk to a therapist at all?
If that's not in the cards, perhaps a support group for survivors of abuse? Abuse like that is incredibly difficult to deal with as a child, as you well know. You are basically defenseless.
This is something that you really need support for an I hope you will reach out for that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 69
Thanks. Absolutely. I think the thing though tends to be out of all the issues, it's hard to know where to start in regards to therapy and groups. I mean, as known here, there's quite a few issues and what may seem a problem one day are stable the next. Stuff just creeps up on me again. One day I'm fine about the issue (so I wouldn't even know what to say when going for help), another day or just suddenly it creeps up and makes me feel low.
I guess it's just good to get that off my chest.
This evening is a struggle with the frustration of the experience and how it's a mental brain scramble....
I mean, an abuser (my nan) reverting her own actions to being my fault, even though I'd done nothing wrong apart from defend my mum against her actions (You don't just slap someone wheelchair bound and vulnerable because they are having a panic attack and you feel annoyed about it). Which left me in that position of defending mum to avoid the other option of reporting it with proof to safeguard (which would have lead to mum being in a care home and dying sooner).
My nan manipulated so much. As it was always my fault for this, that and the other, to members of the public she would paint a picture of how she's a caring elderly lady looking after her daughter. No mention of me (other than in a negative way). No mention of how much I helped mum.
Then at mums funeral I had to sit there when a support woman stood up saying a few words. Mostly of how great my nan has been to look after my mum all by herself without any support.
I don't want praise, I did what anyone would have done but it's a complete insult really. Nan had condolences cards addressed just to her off people saying they admire and respect her for doing the difficult task of looking after her daughter alone.
Then.... If that wasn't enough. I received some very nasty messages off nans sister. Claiming that rather than help my mother, I just ran away (after years of the abuse I moved out but I still went back to help with mum a lot) like a coward. I messaged back saying about the abuse and was called a liar and told that if I ever go near her sister's (my nans) house again, then there will be serious repercussions for me.
I guess it's just good to get that off my chest.
This evening is a struggle with the frustration of the experience and how it's a mental brain scramble....
I mean, an abuser (my nan) reverting her own actions to being my fault, even though I'd done nothing wrong apart from defend my mum against her actions (You don't just slap someone wheelchair bound and vulnerable because they are having a panic attack and you feel annoyed about it). Which left me in that position of defending mum to avoid the other option of reporting it with proof to safeguard (which would have lead to mum being in a care home and dying sooner).
My nan manipulated so much. As it was always my fault for this, that and the other, to members of the public she would paint a picture of how she's a caring elderly lady looking after her daughter. No mention of me (other than in a negative way). No mention of how much I helped mum.
Then at mums funeral I had to sit there when a support woman stood up saying a few words. Mostly of how great my nan has been to look after my mum all by herself without any support.
I don't want praise, I did what anyone would have done but it's a complete insult really. Nan had condolences cards addressed just to her off people saying they admire and respect her for doing the difficult task of looking after her daughter alone.
Then.... If that wasn't enough. I received some very nasty messages off nans sister. Claiming that rather than help my mother, I just ran away (after years of the abuse I moved out but I still went back to help with mum a lot) like a coward. I messaged back saying about the abuse and was called a liar and told that if I ever go near her sister's (my nans) house again, then there will be serious repercussions for me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's important to know that for therapy you don't have to know where to begin and end. It was explained to me that you should think of your thoughts like filing cabinets. Until you go through and deal with each cabinet, the mess that is inside will continue to come up.
I would walk into therapy one day thinking "wow, I feel good today, what am I doing here?" However, a trained therapist of the right kind can help guide you to going through what is inside those cabinets.
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's not, nor was it then, your fault.
Big hugs!
I would walk into therapy one day thinking "wow, I feel good today, what am I doing here?" However, a trained therapist of the right kind can help guide you to going through what is inside those cabinets.
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's not, nor was it then, your fault.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,672
Kinda like my very dysfunctional family of origin. Not going to share- but to say I understand and empathise. My older bro recently in a text message (where he cut off all ties, claiming foo fatigue) told me he knew our family 'had destroyed you'. I too live with ghosts, especially at this time of the year- it was always the perfect excuse to drink and play the victim. I am only talking about me here, not you. I still struggle in keeping the past where it belongs, to accept and let go. Just when I think I have it all sorted in my emotions- well it is like the past just patiently sits in the dark recesses of my mind...waiting.
All I know to do is to keep on with my recovery, keep trying, writing, doing- in the present with an eye to the future and trying to learn lessons from a truly dark past.
My prayers and support to you.
All I know to do is to keep on with my recovery, keep trying, writing, doing- in the present with an eye to the future and trying to learn lessons from a truly dark past.
My prayers and support to you.
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